Tan-talizing Details On Getting A Perfect Faux Tan (I Know I'm The Worst, But I Can't Resist A Dumb Pun)

I am STAUNCHLY anti-sun. Like, don't go outside without a (not-shitty-for-you) sunscreen and a hat, anti.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want it look like the sun has shone on my literal ass every once and a while. After all, at least it makes my mind grapes believe that my cellulite doesn't look at cellulite-y. Just let my baby brain believe things, okay?

Because of all of these neuroses, I have learned to become pretty dependent on self tanners. In fact, I've probably already written a variation of this article 30845092 times before, but I'm really too old to remember (and too lazy to check). Regardless, I've compiled my best tips and products that will give you the easiest and least ridiculous-looking tan known to science. Yeah, science!

Prep Your Mess

Every blog post/article/weird tan person's advice that's ever existed tells you to exfoliate before self tanning. So that's some real 'no doy' advice. But the most effective way to exfoliate pre-tan that I've ever found? A basic bitch washcloth. Use a washcloth to gently scrub your skin in a circular motion, and it will exfoliate like a scrubby little champ.

If you're really adverse to this method, feel free to scrub it up with a body scrub, or whatever, but just avoid using anything that leaves any kind of oily residue. It will way f up your application, and leave you with a faux tan straight out of Splotch City. Another ingredient to avoid is any salicylic acid, or the like. Your tan won't stick, and it will go right down the friggin' drain with your next shower.

Once you're out of the shower, and completely and thoroughly tried off, apply regular lotion to the parts of your body that just love to soak up self tanner like I like to soak up a glass of wine. That includes: feet and ankles, knees, wrists and hands, and elbows. Now go to a cool (temperature, not attitude) and non-steamy room, so you don't sweat your ass off, and it's time to tan.

The Body Rubdown

This post is going to mainly focus on a full-strength fake tan, but that's not the only option. If you prefer to get your lazy on (hey, soul sister!), or just want something not-so-tan, Jergens Natural Glow is a great (and easy) option. Use it daily for a darker result, or every-other-day for something more subtle, you demure lady. No, I won't hold your opera glasses.

If I'm going full stunt queen with the fakery, I'm using St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse. Always and forever. It dries fast as hell, it's really easy to apply, and it has never, ever let me down. The only downside: it will stain the craps out of your palms, so I always apply it with the St. Tropez Mitt, or more recently, plastic gloves. And that's only because I ripped the mitt in several places, because I trash every-friggin'-thing in life. It's my destiny.

So after you've applied the plain lotion to the necessary places, start applying the tanner in a circular motion to your body. To avoid weird creases from bending and gymnastics and such, here's the best order of application: legs and butt, trunk (front and back), and finally arms. We'll deal with the face in a minute. After you've finished with the whole bod, take off the gloves and rub a dab of lotion on each wrist all the way around. This will keep you from having a significant line of tanner that screams, "HEY Y'ALL, LOOK AT ME! MY TAN IS FAKE!"

Now let's move onto the mug.

Face Time

I typically don't just slap self-tanner on my face all willy nilly, like I do with the rest of my body. I mean, you CAN, just make sure that you put moisturizer on your face and neck before, so you don't end up with straight crazy face.

Once again, there are a couple of options when picking your face formula. I usually pick tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum for gradual color, because I'm just usually not that tan on the body area, and remember, the whole crazy face thing? (Of course you do, my brain still feels shaken and stirred from having that GIF in the periphery of my vision.) And if you're looking for a drugstore option, Jergens also makes a face formula that's pretty decent.

For more of a TAN tan, I really, really love Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Glow Pads. Can you guess why? Yep, it's because they're easy. DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL BY NOW? But they also have all of that good-for-your-skin stuffs. So these are pretty much on little-baby-unicorns-jumping-out-of-your-birthday-cake-levels of good.

Okay, that's it. Go on and bronze yourself silly.

But not crazy face silly. I WILL KNOW.

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How To Self Tan Like A True Boss B*tch

I have this weird ass internal struggle, man. I love OTHER people's natural skin tones, from super porcelain to deep mocha, that sh*t is straight up gorgeous. But when I'm forced upon my own sad epidermis in its untouched state (especially in photographic evidence), I'm all, "JESUS GOD I LOOK TERRIBLE. And so un-Jessica Alba glowy. What the crap am I doing with my life?" This leads me straight to the bottle...of self tanner. Probably of the sauce, too, but every day can't be my own personal friggin' therapy session.

I've been big on the self tanning scene (in my own bathroom) for well over ten years. I avoid sun exposure like the Black Plague-era peeps avoided rodents, so this has become the only solution to my self-induced dermis hate seshes. Over the past decade of (tanning) rubs, I have gotten the application of these elixirs down to an effing SCIENCE. Let me teach you the tips to achieving an even, non-sh*t faux tan, if you're into that kind of thing.

Rub-a-dub Dub

Listen, I know you've read this step roughly one trill-y times from every beauty publication from here to Venus, but it really is the basis to a solid fake tan. EXFOLIATE YOUR BODY LIKE THE SLOUGHING WILL BRING THE SECOND COMING OF RYAN GOSLING. My OG way to exfoliate is truly the most original of the gangsters in the skin cell shedding game -- a plain ass wash cloth. I have found it to be really the best in the universe. Plus, you probably already own this. If not, borrow one from your Gam Gam. But if I'm feeling lazy -- hey, it must be a day ending in 'y'!

 Sorry...using a loofah-esque exfoliating glove will also do the job. It's your world, do you.

At this point in your shower/bath/bath house/outdoor grotto, you are also going to want to shave whatever body parts that you typically shave. It will prep your skin even more, plus you don't want to shave off your fresh-to-death tan in one and a half days, or whatever.

Hydrate the Rough Stuff

After you've exfoliated yourself back to newborn status, it's time to protect the areas of your face/body that are prone to soaking up too much tanner, leaving you looking a blotchy hot ass mess. You can apply your regular facial lotion to your face, unless it has alpha hydroxy acids and such in it, which will make your tan wash right off your mug. Next, take a body lotion and moisturize all over your feet and ankles, knees, elbows, wrists and hands. Use a decent amount and don't skimp. These areas tend to be drier and rougher and the lotion will act as a semi-barrier to the tanner, keeping your ish even and looking toooight.

Protect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I used to skip this step, because I fancied myself a professional and thought I could handle my business. But, I have learned that using a glove or a mitt to protect your hands from that dreaded OPS (orange palm syndrome) really makes your life a hell of a lot easier. Mitts work best for mousse formulas, while gloves are better for stuff like lotions and gels. When applying the tanner, use small circles to work it in. If it also contains a bronzer, no need to call the governor if it looks streaky when you finish. As long as you're hitting all the spots, and applying evenly in circles, your actual tan should look fine.

There's another small issue you face when using tanning hand condoms -- having really pasty hands. I remedy this by taking the mitt/glove and rubbing whatever excess tanner that is remaining on the hand protection on the backs of my hands. I then rub more lotion on my hands and wrists and wash just the palms of my hands. Your extremities will keep a nice glow without screaming, "LOOK AT MY HANDS! THEY ARE FULL O' SELF TANNER! ORANGE APLENTY OVER HERE!"

What Not to Wear (and Do)

Your tan is all applied, so here comes the annoying part. Do not touch anything at all for a solid 30 minutes. NOTHING, I say, good sir. No sitting, no clothes, zero things. In fact, it's best if you can avoid clothes for an hour, really. Go ahead and book yourself an nudie vacay. When you do get dressed, wear something that is blousy and not tight. I'm talking mumu status. Wearing stuff like bras and jeans will seriously eff up your tan game. And you can forget wearing white. Or winter white. This is why most b's like to tan up at night, so you can just go the eff to sleep after half an hour or so.

As far as activities go, your ass needs to lay low for at least an hour. Don't do anything that will make you sweat or get you wet (DON'T BE SICK). If your self tanner contains a bronzer, you're safe to wash that sh*t off after four hours of lazing around and being fed grapes. You can also now wear white after your first shower, so you finally make your way to a P. Diddy white party, or whatever.

Tell him I said, "BIGGIE 4EVA."





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The Lazy Diaries: The Best Product to Get Yo' Self Tan on With Minimal Effort

Being lazy is almost a full-time job, you guys.

And looking like you have two effs to rub together, while still doing the bare minimum, really needs to be in the Olympics, because that ish is straight CHALLENGING. Especially if you're trying to keep your self tanning game tight and un-Lohan-ish.

I've been on a self tanning kick because I dyed my hair really dark, as I always tend to do, and if I don't maintain at least SOME level of self tan, I look like a dead, or at least undead, person. It's quite a conundrum. I also ran out of one of my other favorite lazy tanning products, Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Moisturizer, so I've been scavenging through all of my self tanning products that people have sent me and I've yet to try. That's when I came across this little delicious gumdrop of tan.

dr. dennis gross alpha beta glow pad for body, $45 for 8 pads

Here's the thing -- I really pretty much love every effing Dr. Dennis Gross product that I've ever tried, and I've even used the hell of the face version of these, so I don't really know what my dumb dumb effing deal was about not trying the body pads earlier. Sometimes I feel like I need to see receipts on my brain waves. Sh*t's spacey. (And not even cool like Kevin Spacey.)

Regardless of my bullsh*t, I finally got around to trying these things, and THEY ARE MY B*TCHES. This formula is the only full-on self tanner that I can actually use in the morning before work, get dressed 30 minutes later, and look like a reg person and not an insane (Clown Posse) one. And it takes me less than five minutes to apply. You rub the towel thingy on your skin in circles, follow up with body lotion, and that's it, kitten. You're on your tanned ass way.

Yeah, it's seriously that easy. And I'm about that life. My only gripe about these is that they aren't some damn magical box that replenishes itself at my demanding ass will.

Get your own damn lazy on here.




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Well, All Five of My Senses Just Rejected Themselves From My Body, So Tan Mom Must Have a New Music Video Out.

You guys, seriously, don't watch this sh*t. It's the actual worst thing.

Tell me about it, Fancy Cat. TM name drops some annoying asses in this mess, like Teen Mom Farrah and Michael Lohan. Why not mention Puck from The Real World while you're at it? I mean, we're just mentioning random ass people, right?

But really, when will this Tan-Mom-trying-to-sing-grossness nightmare end? A kiosk-bought acrylic clip-in pony tail does not a terrible pop star make, Patricia. But I will say that homegirl is totally killing it with the brown lip liner and frosted white lipstick, 1998 style. (Spoiler alert: No, she's not.)

But, I do have a few (least) favorite moments in this sh*t cesspool. Around the 1:55 mark, she she's talking about how she's sober now and says, "Hell no to the no." Most prolific lyric of our generation? Then around 2:09, she drops the bomb on us THAT SHE HAS A SKIN CARE LINE.

But the best part comes at 2:15, where SHE'S WEARING A LACE THONG AND A SMILE. That poor Italian Greyhound probably has a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome and permanent ringing of the ears. The only bright spot in this student horror film is the chest hair dude's dance moves. That sh*t on point.

 I know I won't, no matter how much bleach I pour into my ear holes.





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If I Were an Octopus, These Are the 8 Beauty Products I'd Hold All the Time

There are a million beauty products out there, and I feel like I've tried at least 78% of them. And don't get me wrong, I love a lot of products, but these are my mandatory must-haves. I LOVE THESE BABY MOTHERS. I NEVER LET THEM GO.

#1 -- True Red Lipstick
 

kat von d everlasting love liquid lipstick in outlaw, $19 (sephora)

Please believe my ass when I tell you this -- nothing will take your facial area from "meh" to "cha-ching" like an amazing red lipstick. NOTHING. And this beaut is my hands-down ride or die b*tch. It stays on like a mofo, and it's matte. Which means, if you want it to be not-so-matte, you just put a creamy red lipstick over, and then IT STAYS AND ISN'T FLAT. Say somthin' now. 

#2 -- Eyeshadow Primer

urban decay eyeshadow primer potion, $20

Sometimes I feel like it's possible that I might die with the good word of UD's Primer Potion on my lips. Like, that's how f*cking much I talk about this stuff. But I literally could not wear a friggin' dot of eye makeup without it, so I press on. If you are oily, or have any issue with your eye makeup fading or shifting, and you don't use this sh*t, then I can't even with you anymore. GET THIS.

#3 -- Beige-y Blonde Brow Pencil for Any Hair Color

maybelline expert eyes twin brow & eye pencils in blonde, $2.39 (drugstore.com)

 Lemme tell you a little something about brow pencils, mmmkay? I don't give two effs what color your hair is, you need to use a blonde/ashy-colored brow pencil. Use the pencil to shape your brow, then fill it in with a brow powder (or even an eyeshadow, I don't give a damn) that somewhat matches your hair color. PLEASE don't use a black brow pencil because you have black hair. TRUST ME, I'VE BEEN THERE, GOT THE HORRIFIC PICTURES TO PROVE IT. DON'T MAKE ME SHOW YOU. Your face (and all the eyeballs of the world) will thank you.

#4 -- Gel/Cream Waterproof Eyeliner 

sephora waterproof smoky cream liner in matte black, $12

On the real, HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT THIS SH*T for the lower lash waterline and in-between upper lashes? Short answer: I effing don't. I apply this with a thin eyeliner brush by wiggling it between my eyelashes, and it makes them look roughly 4095830% fuller. This is one of those makeup steps that if I skip it, people are all, "Why do you look so tired?" And I'm like, "Eff you," then I go put it on, because those dicks are right. Plus, it's the only thing that I've ever used that stays on my waterline. You can pry it from my cold, dead hands. P.S. If you do that, I will haunt you. And it won't be the old man from the amusement park, either.

#5 -- Body Oil

spectrum organic unrefined coconut oil, $9.99 (the vitamin shoppe)

I'm just not that into body lotion, you guys. It makes my ass (and arms and back and legs) feel filmy, and homie don't play that.

I like to use coconut oil, because it has one billion uses, so you super get your money's worth. But I also mix it with body lotion if I'm into that crap that day. (I'm a fickle b*tch.) I'm also not exclusive with coconut oil, either. (SLUT!) I'll really use any body oil that doesn't smell like babies. Even babies don't want to smell like babies.

#6 -- Gradual Tan Body Lotion

jergens glow foaming daily moisturizer in medium to tan, $8.69 (target)

I have a weird thing with being tan/being not tan. I really love pale skin, and I hate the sun (save for the whole "that b keeps us alive" thing), but sometimes I like tans on my legs, but not on my face.



And this ish is my boss b*tch for a few reasons -- it's not lotion-y (see above) or heavy, it dries fast, and you can control your level of bronze to a non-crazy level. (GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINA AGUILERA!) Oh, and it's like $10. GET ON MY SKIN.

#7 -- Black Liquid Liner

vs makeup graphic liner pen, $14 (victoria's secret)

What are your feelings on liquid eyeliner? Are you scared of that sh*t? Because your ass shouldn't be. I wear liquid liner pretty much every day, and that doesn't mean I'm Amy Winehouse-ing the hell out of myself on the reg. You can use it just like you would a pencil liner, including smudging it up before it dries. It's just bolder and lasts longer on my oily mess of a face. My favorite type is a fine felt-tipped pen like the VS one above that I'm currently using. It's waaay easier to control than one of those brush deals, and much better for lazies than that bullsh*t you have to dip in a well like you're penning a friggin' letter to Ponce de Leon in the 15th century.

#8 -- (Fullish) Powder Foundation

mac studio fix powder plus foundation, $27

 Hey, have you guys heard the sh*tty word that I'm oily as f*ck? Oh, yeah, I think I've mentioned it.

 

Ryan Gosling -- making eye rolling adorable since 1980. (Yes, I googled his birthday. Get off me.) Anyway, due to this extreme oily situation, I oftentimes need to use a powdered foundation for a couple of reasons. I initially use it as a primer, as in after moisturizer and before liquid foundation, just to set up a barrier between the oil factory that are my pores and more liquid particles. I also carry this boo thang in my purse for touch ups, because it's a little more substantial than some thin and flimsy powder. I've used it for years on years on years, and it's on my dream team.

Well, I'm fresh out of legs. (Tentacles? Testicles? All of the above?) What would your asses hold if you were an octopus? Oh, and let's get real. If I really were an octopus, this would totally be me.

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Don't Serve Life for These Beauty Crimes

Holy eff balls, man, being a human lady can be hard at times. It can be really tough to get your ish together beauty-wise, and just live your life like a person. Luckily for you, I've experienced many a beauty tragedy, and I have learned from my grossest mistakes.

Dalmatian-esque Self Tanner Jobs

Poor LL. The tragic victim of the Cheetos 'Stache. (Duck lips are unrelated.)

This is a very common occurrence with those of us who enjoy hitting the bottle of self tanner. Luckily, there is the world's easiest solution to this mess.

Do like this bang-coiffed child and exfoliate your sh*t before you apply your tan. A plain ol' washcloth works best for the bod, but take a little more care with your mug. You don't want to be too harsh and eff your skin up. Just use your brain area and your best judgement. But, I will say that I find a washcloth most effective for removing existing splotchiness, like on Lilo's stubborn upper lip area (or other annoying areas like armpit creases, knees, elbows, etc).

Creased n' Greasy Eyeshadow

Is there a bigger c-block to bangin' ass eyeshadow times than creasing on you lid? Imma go with "no." This is one of the easiest beauty blunders to overcome, and I owe all of that to Urban Decay's Primer Potion ($20). You just need a little dab of this magic to cover your eyelid, and I even use it on my lower lash line to keep eyeliner and such in check. I literally recommend this sh*t to everyone, and I refuse to shut the eff up about it. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

via mrhankey

OCD Nail Probs

I've told you guys before, I don't give two effs about trying to stay in the lines when I paint my nails. It's super pointless and time-consuming. You can have 100% gorgeous and glossy nails, without a steady hand and being a freaky ambidextrous circus performer. Just worry about painting the entirety of those b's, and them let them dry COMPLETELY. After they're dry, take that same raggedy washcloth, or loofah, or whatever deal you want, and scrub the skin around your newly painted nails. IT WILL COME RIGHT OFF. You can feel free on move on about your life, people. This is now a non-issue.

What other beauty probs do you need me to get to solvin'? Sound off in the comments, or send some smoke signals. Whatever. I got you, boo.




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The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video

I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.

I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




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Tanning Mom Is Bringing You Your New Favorite Club Banger (Nope. She's Totally Not.)

I know, you guys. I'm effing writing about Tanning Mom AGAIN, like a b*tch. But when you come across some straight effery like this right here, it really can't be ignored.

TMZ once again has the good good (or the bad bad) on ol' Patty Krentcil, and has released this clip from her song that will be released tomorrow. Honey child has the voice of an angel this lady. And those lyrics are effing flawless. So set the ish out of your alarm clocks tonight so you can buy this song first thing in the morning, and you can rock out with your SMOCK out all day tomorrow.

practical AND shapeless

I'm sure you hate me for bringing this nonsense song into your life and ear holes, but at least we know that TM kind of hates birds? (Or something?)

Okay, okay, I'm leaving. You can bill me for that extra Cinco marg that you'll have to have to erase this sh*t from your brain. (No, you can't.)




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TAN-dem Homies: My New Jams in the World of Self Tanning

You guys know that I love some fake tan swag. I've been using self tanners since most of you were wearing those awkward ass bloomer underwear with the lace and ruffle crap on them. But lately, I have been wearing my REAL SKIN. (Okay, that sounds insane. I'm not Buffalo Bill, or anything. But, it puts the lotion on its skin.) Probably due to mostly laziness, I haven't been self tanning as often. That doesn't mean that my white ass hasn't been trying ish to bring to you b's. Just because I am currently going through a goth phase, doesn't mean you have to.

I have found some ERRRMAZING tanning products that have been sent to me over the past couple of months. One that I am currently totally on board with is Vani-T Bronzing Custard (about $25).

The lotion-y good good.

Using this little lovely potion a few times a week on my legs keeps them from looking like my pegs fell off that little b from The Ring. What can I say? Sometimes I like tans on my legs, not on my face.



I just had to stop writing to watch my absolutely tootley favorite moment in history. If you don't love Steven, you may go ahead and excuse yourself. (And not to excuse your beauty.) I am COMPLETELY obsessed with this Bronzing Custard. It smells really good, and has absolutely zero of that tell-tale self tanner reek. And I have never seen a streak, and blotch, or any other standard tanning faux faux pas. It has also been used by the likes of Victoria Beckham, Jennifer Anniston, and MY BORING ASS. But the best thing about the Vani-T products:

• Are rich in natural and organic ingredients
• Contain NO mineral oils or paraffin
• Contain NO parabens
• Contain NO sulphates
• Contain NO talc, bismuth oxychloride
• Contain NO petrochemicals DEA, TEA
• Contain NO artificial colours*
• DO NOT participate in animal testing
• Are high in vitamins, active ingredients, luscious natural oils and pure botanicals

So if you like to smell like angels and look like Posh Spice, this one's for you, honey bunny. Check out more about Vani-T here. Now we've covered that bod, but there are (many) times that I also like tans on my face. (Sorry, Steven.) And I have fallen in love with a facial tanning towel. Awkward.

Oh, hey, new boo boo.

Meet by favorite tanning boyfriend (Yes, my life is sad.), Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Glow Pad, ($18-$65). This stuff is beyond the cat's pajamas. It's like the werewolf's ballgown, or something. As long as I have been using self tanners, I have never found something that gives me an even tan on my face. I've always looked like I might/might not have just finished a mud wrestling match on my mug. But this little towelette (How much do you love that word?) packs may-juh punch, and it has more than enough product for your face, neck, and chesticles. My face tan also lasted a week, which is unheard of in the self tanning world. Trust me, I checked message boards and ish. (Nope. No, I didn't.) Oh, and by the way, this mess EXFOLIATES your skin, and stuff:

Alpha Beta® Glow Pad is the only anti-aging, exfoliating sunless tanner that contains active Vitamin D (the sun vitamin) to provide smoother, healthier skin and natural radiance year-round. Microencapsulated DHA and Soy Protein deliver color deep into skin to prevent fading through surface exfoliation.



'Tis true, Miley. Find out more about the Glow Pads here. Now go put a tan on it, then see how it do.







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Oh...My...Stars...

Pic via In Touch Weekly

 You guys. It's tanning mom, and she doesn't look THAT insane! Honey Boo Boo got a little side bang kickin', nice lippie happening, and letting the girls show. (Okay, that went too far.) But most importantly, B STOPPED TANNING! What's her address? I want to send her one of those recordable congratulations cards. Go head, lil' mama.



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