Lazy Blogging: Read Something I Already Wrote

pic via allure

First off, this image makes my brain feel crazy because my eyeballs assume that it's a Magic Eye print, and force me to start searching for a Statue of Liberty, or something. Secondly, I wrote a fun slideshow for Allure this month, that gives beauty meanings to basic emojis. Because why not?

If you want to check it, do so here. If not, make up your own meanings. Or try to find Lady Liberty in the picture above. It's your brain, use it how you please.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

One of my favorite things to do on this planet is drankin' wine and watching garbage TV. Because I'm a trash box that will never quite fill up. So I did a little ditty for Allure this week called, "The 9 Most Fabulous Beauty Moments in Reality Show History, Re-Created." I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Check it out here, if you wish, Buttercup.



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Beauty On The Lam (Or When You're Moving And Your Life Is Crazy)

Oh hey, you sexy ass strangers. I've missed your asses (and/or faces, if you're prudish). I'm currently in my new place of living, which I can now tell you is Phoenix, Arizona. I'm staying in a temporary housing sitch until I get that real real place, so that's my deal as of this second. It's been a crazy ass week, and I kind of feel like this.

I've had to take care of a ton of beauty sh*t on the fly, so I bring to you the following tips, which would also work if you're some kind of badass fugitive person that Angelina Jolie would play in a TV movie. I'm assuming you're reading this on a burner cell phone with internet access.

The Bare Minimum (Just Trying Not to Frighten Children) Makeup Kit -- Just because I moved on Halloween, doesn't mean I'm trying to look so scary that dogs tuck their tails and cockroach-walk away from my ass. But you know that TSA doesn't eff around with bringing liquids on a plane, so I had to WAY whittle down my normal purse makeup wares, while still keeping enough sh*t on my person to not look TERRIBLE terrible.

I pretty much kept it to the essentials: something to even out my bleh skin (Kat von D Lock-It Powder Foundation, $34 from Sephora), a stub of my ride-or-die brow pencil (Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow Pencil in Blonde, $2.99 from drugstore.com), a mini sample of any mascara, and a nude/clear lip gloss (Model Co Shine Ultra Lip Gloss in Strip Tease, $16). This little set has kept me looking mediocre, and for that, I'm thankful as hell.

Getting Away From My Roots -- I don't have a current hair person, home address or a life plan, but you know what I do have? White trash blonde(ish) roots with dark brown hair. And homie don't play that sh*t, so I have to do something about that awfulness.

nice'n easy root touch-up for dark brown, $5.40 (target)

Full disclosure, I just got back from Target, and I actually bought the wrong crap, so I haven't EXACTLY used this stuff yet. I've heard it's great for blending away roots, and since I can't order my regular go-to color, Couture Colour, due to not having an actual address, and because I have exactly zero leads on a new hair guru, this is what's happening.

It costs roughly $5, so I'm not expecting effing Blake-Lively-with-a-fresh-blowout-esque beautiful hair, but it'll do, pig. It'll do. I'll let you know how it goes on a scale of crazy 1940's era hobo to Connie Britton.

Lazy Weapons of Gross Destruction -- I told you mofos a couple weeks ago about my new favorite dry shampoo, and let me tell you, that b has been holding it down in these trying times. (House/apartment/I'll live anywhere at this point is exhausting, yo.) I've also been turning to another one of my quick fix products many a night, lately.

koh gen do cleansing spa water, $13 (sephora)

I love Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water, like, a lot. I put it on a cotton round and rub that mess all up on my mug, and it's like using a makeup wipe deal, but it's really gentle and leaves your face soft as a bumble bee body (no stinger). It allows me to be one of those horrible "I don't wash my face at night" people without the whole sleeping in my makeup part. I usually follow up by washing my face, but sometimes that just isn't in the productive adult person nighttime cards. WHEN IN ROME, you guys.

So bottom line, I'm back, and stuff. I'll be moving into a permanent place later on this week, so it might take me a couple of days to get the internets, and such. But I promise I'll try to not be super sh*tty and post as much as possible via stolen wifi, or whatever. (Don't read that part, police or potential neighbor people.)

If you're a Phoenix-area person that doesn't enjoy stabbing people, let me know. I want to go to a concert this weekend, and I need friends.

Until then, I'll be doing a lot of this.

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The Lazy Diaries: The Best Product to Get Yo' Self Tan on With Minimal Effort

Being lazy is almost a full-time job, you guys.

And looking like you have two effs to rub together, while still doing the bare minimum, really needs to be in the Olympics, because that ish is straight CHALLENGING. Especially if you're trying to keep your self tanning game tight and un-Lohan-ish.

I've been on a self tanning kick because I dyed my hair really dark, as I always tend to do, and if I don't maintain at least SOME level of self tan, I look like a dead, or at least undead, person. It's quite a conundrum. I also ran out of one of my other favorite lazy tanning products, Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Moisturizer, so I've been scavenging through all of my self tanning products that people have sent me and I've yet to try. That's when I came across this little delicious gumdrop of tan.

dr. dennis gross alpha beta glow pad for body, $45 for 8 pads

Here's the thing -- I really pretty much love every effing Dr. Dennis Gross product that I've ever tried, and I've even used the hell of the face version of these, so I don't really know what my dumb dumb effing deal was about not trying the body pads earlier. Sometimes I feel like I need to see receipts on my brain waves. Sh*t's spacey. (And not even cool like Kevin Spacey.)

Regardless of my bullsh*t, I finally got around to trying these things, and THEY ARE MY B*TCHES. This formula is the only full-on self tanner that I can actually use in the morning before work, get dressed 30 minutes later, and look like a reg person and not an insane (Clown Posse) one. And it takes me less than five minutes to apply. You rub the towel thingy on your skin in circles, follow up with body lotion, and that's it, kitten. You're on your tanned ass way.

Yeah, it's seriously that easy. And I'm about that life. My only gripe about these is that they aren't some damn magical box that replenishes itself at my demanding ass will.

Get your own damn lazy on here.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via realitytvgifs

This week for Allure, my love and hours spent watching trash TV all pay off with "Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Watching Way Too Much Reality TV." Go check it out here.



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Trash Box Nail Tutorials: Glitter Sand Art Edition

Did you guys ever have on of these sand/glitter deals as a kid?

You would flip it over, and then the sand/glitter mixture would move around and make another boring formation. It was one of those things that was half cool to look at and half thing that your parents bought to shut you up.

Well, today's nail idea is based on these boringly badass art memorabilia.

SOMEWHAT similar, right? Oh, who the eff knows. I literally made this sh*t up five minutes ago. If you happen to want to try this quasi-nail art look yourself, here's what you'll need.

Three glittery nail polishes. I chose Dimepiece and Stun from Floss Gloss, because I effing love the kids, and Follow Me on Glitter from Nicole by OPI from the Kardashian Kollection because I really, really hate myself. Let us never speak of me buying anything Kardashian-related ever again, mmmmkay?

Here's what you do:

Step One -- Paint on the first color about halfway up your nail.

Step Two -- (There's so much we can do. P.S. If you don't click on that link and watch it in its entirety, I hate you.) Paint the second color slightly overlapping the first, and almost to the tip of your nail.

Step Three -- Take the third color, overlap a little with color two, and to the end of the nail.

Step Four -- Take color number one and blur the edges between the first two colors, so it's not a straight, blah ass border between. DONE!

The best way to get an opaque glitter look with one shot with this sh*t is to lay the brush flat on your nail and glob it on. This is a textured look, so you don't want it to be perfect. Go ahead, eff it up a little.

Easiest. Nail. (Kinda) art. EVA.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I delved into the scariest beauty sh*t that you should try. Check it out here.


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Lazy B Diaries: Beauty Crap You Should ACTUALLY Do

Hiding Dirty - behind my Snuggie.

 I have not been shy about the fact that I am the laziest of the lazies. If laziness was in the Olympics, I would have medaled in the Junior Olympics back in the day, and now be a contender for the Senior Olympics. (Old.) Even if you are totally on my team, there are some things that you should actually still take care of in your beauty world.

1. Clean your makeup brushes: I know, that ish is SO annoying. But you should really try to clean those b's once a week. Ugh, it's the worst. But neglecting to clean makeup brushes can actually damage the bristles. Not to mention it can totally eff with your skin if you are using dirty mess all over your face. (Duh.) If you don't feel like getting fancy and buying a brush cleanser like this one:

MAC Brush Cleanser, $13

You can use a baby shampoo or a gentle facial cleanser. Do this, seriously.

2. Don't leave your lips nakey: Even if you want to you bare-faced, throw on some type of lip product. Gloss, lipstick, chapstick with a hint of color...Something! You can cover your eyes with sunglasses, but nothing screams, "Look at my washed out face," like bare lips.

Pic via Buzzfeed

Do  you want everyone looking at you like this??? I didn't think so. Keep something easy like:

 

 Maybelline Baby Lips Lip Balm

Or one of my favorites:

Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter

on your person all the time. You never know when you're going to run into your ex-boyfriend. Don't look a hot mess.

3. Style your "bang area": Even on days when you just want to air dry your hair, blow dry/style the front. Trust. You won't have that weird, cowlick/but wait I don't have a cowlick/I look crazy hair thing going on. This is literally what my hair looks like if I don't do this, and let all of my hair air dry.

I'm not exaggerating. Don't let serial killer Aileen Wuornos be your hair twin. You want to look bad ass, but not THAT kind of bad ass.

4. Wash your freaking face at night: Ugh, I hate this one the most. Washing my face at night seems as daunting as swimming the English Channel every night. (Is the Chunnel under the Channel? That would make sense, but I'm no Magellan.) But this ish is really important, as much as it sucks. Sleeping all night with a nasty makeup/oil/dirty gross marination on your skin is not cute. If you want to skip a cleansing, skip the morning wash. Not washing at night leads to congested skin, clogged pores, acne, and just all-over grossness. (It's a medical term.)

What is your beauty dread? Being a girl is the worst.



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