In Get-Off-My-D-Hole-I'm-Still-Into-This News: THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW SEASON OF TEEN MOM 2 IS HERE.

Get More:
Teen Mom 2, Full Episodes

A little rundown of this gem of a trailer -- Jenelle is obviously still going to be my hate-vorite this season. If you can stare into that crazy roots/Tiffany choker/eyebrow situation and NOT feel love, then I'm sorry for you. Plus, her boyfriend has highlights and wears leather cuffs! Please let him be in a Daughtry cover band. Not to mention, Babs is back, mofos! Babs saying, "I didn't paht the needuhl in huh ahm," while wearing a dalmatian-esque slinky top should be my life's new ringtone.

And chunky highlights girl might be getting a divorce from the new Affliction-shirted hubsand! Sacre bleu.

Oh, and those other two boring turkey sandwiches with a side of sour cream and onion chips are there, too.  I hate that I love you, Teen Mom 2.





Pin It

The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video

I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.

I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




Pin It

Should I be Turned On, or Weirded Out Right Now?

via ohnotheydidn't

Mario Lopez's wife tweeted this picture are few days ago, and it's making me feel all kinds of confused. Even the Windex bottle feels awkward, and had to turn away. On one hand, it's Mario Lopez, and he's pretty hot. And it's a picture of dude ass. On the other hand, homeboy's decorating a Christmas tree with a toddler. It all feels borderline illegal in my bathing suit area.

Ugh. That's curly mullet gets me every time.



Pin It

Another of My Infamous MAHH-JOR Celebrity Run-Ins: 80's Fruit Edition

I had another celebrity sighting today, you guys. This one involved a comedy giant from the 80's...

That's right, people. I saw mother effin' GALLAGHER today in this b. If you are under 30, you might be all, "Whaaaaat?" So here's a little run down. My homeboy was a big prop comic (think Carrot Top without the eyeliner and ginge) that was best known for smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer. Are you LMFAO-ing yet? Anyone?

Fast forward to today. I'm working my day-to-day retail job (yes, I have one of those) and in walks Gallagher. I recognized that b immediately, but obvs said nothing to him. I'm only passive aggressively creepy as eff. But boo boo did leave a little something behind that completely confirmed my suspicions.

Yep, I photographed a stranger's used coffee cup. I have hit a new all-time low. Although the server at Bob Evans (He likes Bob Evans, you guys!!! Just like regular people.) had a tiny bit of trouble with the spelling, here is the complete confirmation that I'm a total on the street paparazzi.

I bring you ALL of the hot, breaking news. Be jealous. Sigh...

Pin It

I Hate Everything: To Infinity and Beyond!

Hey guys. I'm just sitting here (no doy) typing away, and I have to get 50 layers of sexy wrapped up in a 40 year old woman's body shoved in my face. Thanks, Brooke Burke.

pic via brooke's twitter

pic via brooke's twitter

Seriously, that's a hot b. I can only take solace in the fact that she wearing a scrunchie in a non-ironic way. But it's probably so her hair won't get damaged. Damn. I have roughly nine years to get my body looking this guuuurd. I bet BB didn't eat rice and chocolate for dinner. AFKLSFHJLFH.

P.S. She also has four kids (or something, I'm not googling that mess). I might as well hang it up.



Pin It

Have You Guys Heard? Miley Cyrus Works Out.

I must start this out by saying that I follow ol' MC (no, not Mariah Carey) on Twitter. I know, there is no good reason for a damn 31 year old woman to follow Miley Cyrus, but here we are. I have noticed a trend with Miley over the past couple of weeks. B LOVES to show a belly-showing self photo on the Twitter. Don't believe me?

Okay, honey boo boo. OH-KAY. Yoooooou (Soulja Boy, Tell 'Em) look good. You been pilates-ing more than Joseph Pilates could ever even imagine in his wildest dreams, during an amazing night's sleep after reading Good Night Moon or even a Berenstain Bears book on working out. We gots it. But you know who has two thumbs and can't even judge yo' ass? This guy.

See? I totally  win the douche award from at least '99-'01, and possibly even currently. Please believe if Twitter (or even Myspace) were around in the late 90's/early 00's, my everything would probably be all over everything. Praise baby Jesus that I'm an old ass b.

pic via buzz feed

So go 'head Miley. You do you.


Pin It

Sheild Your Eyes: The Top 6 Worst Beauty Trends of All Time.

There have been some hot, hot messes of moments in beauty history. Most of them occurred in the 80's or 90's, which means people were photographing the hell out of them. (YES!) I have cultivated a list of the best of the worst, and included pictures of myself rocking these horrors. You. Are. Welcome.

Crimped Hair
Why in the hell were crimpers even invented? Someone please tell me. That ish is disgusting. So someone said, "You know what I want? My hair to look rumpled, frizzy, and fried ALL OVER." And sadly, some b's are still trying to make the all-over crimp happen.

C. Aggs, during her Dee Snyder phase.

Me, in my hot b phase.

Sperm Brows
If you have read this blog even once, you probably know about my unnatural love for eyebrows. So I feel personally affronted when people massacre the hell out of their poor, defenseless brow. I call those puny, over-tweezed eyebrows (or lack thereof), sperm brows. Because they look, well, like a spermatozoa. (Or at lease that's what I learned in 8th grade. I haven't looked at a magnified petri dish, or anything.

I don't know where to rest my eyes, so I'll just pick the sperm brows.

Pam Anderson has been a decades long offender of this crime. Um, I have nothing nice to say. Let's move on.

My own tweezer happy time.

Mine weren't code red on the insane scale or anything, but not great.

Body Glitter
Seriously, you guys. I effing HATE body glitter. Is anything more annoying and gross? That ish gets every-damn-where, and it is just plain ridiculous looking.

Dancing with the BLEEEHS and glitter.

 And in reality, this is what that crap ends up looking like.

Now THIS is gorgeous.

 In my deep, deep quest through the magical forest that is google image searches, I found some wonderful pictures featuring body glitter.

I wish the black bar was over the body glitter, pregnant lady.

I want to slap the sh*t out of this person.

I want to go shower right now. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of myself slathered in glittery gel made by Wet n' Wild. (Duh, that's the kind I had.)

Big Ass Bangs
If you had two hairs to Aquanet together in the 80's, chances are you had bangs that looked like ish. I know that I have roughly 203840392 pictures of myself with big ass bangs, each one more unfortunate than the other. If you weren't alive during this gorgeous trend, let's delve into what this horrible mess actually looked like. (And you shouldn't be reading this terrible blog, young lady/man!)

A typical big ass bang. Hot.

I blame this trend on Step On Me Tanner. EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT.

Yep. Here I am.

OH. MY. GOD.

Like a damn boss, this one.

If you can tear your eyes away from my ribbon, check it.

You are welcome, for all of that.

Chunky Highlights
This trend started in the very early 2000's, and some people are sadly still doing the chunky highlight, to my dismay. The point of a highlight is to get that natural, sun kissed look to the hair. Can we all agree that this mess needs to be put to rest?

Kelly Clarkson, the OG of this trend.

Not good, you guys. Not good.

Brown Lipstick/Lip Liner

I was all up on the dark brown lip in the late 90's. That was my jam. Could anything be MORE unflattering? Let's see: 

Adding a choker's not helping, C-Dog.

My choker's not helping this sitch, either. But those nails are!

The only lip offense worse than the dark brown lipstick is its more horrifying cousin, the brown lip liner.

No wonder Eminem wrote all of those rude ass songs about his wife.

This is seriously what that crap looks like:

Like you just came from a $450,000 crack party.

Now for an added bonus, here are some flawless examples of glamor. Think of it as a little extra beauty credit.

I just met you, and this is crazy...

I don't even know what is happening here.

And I leave you with one final picture of myself, looking like a tiny, tiny 90's Eastern European man. I can't even explain why I ever looked this way.

I am not ready for that jelly. Wow. Please make me feel a little less sh*tty about my beauty journey and post your own beauty messes in the comments.

I hate myself. My shame spiral continues.

Pin It

Lazy B Diaries: Beauty Crap You Should ACTUALLY Do

Hiding Dirty - behind my Snuggie.

 I have not been shy about the fact that I am the laziest of the lazies. If laziness was in the Olympics, I would have medaled in the Junior Olympics back in the day, and now be a contender for the Senior Olympics. (Old.) Even if you are totally on my team, there are some things that you should actually still take care of in your beauty world.

1. Clean your makeup brushes: I know, that ish is SO annoying. But you should really try to clean those b's once a week. Ugh, it's the worst. But neglecting to clean makeup brushes can actually damage the bristles. Not to mention it can totally eff with your skin if you are using dirty mess all over your face. (Duh.) If you don't feel like getting fancy and buying a brush cleanser like this one:

MAC Brush Cleanser, $13

You can use a baby shampoo or a gentle facial cleanser. Do this, seriously.

2. Don't leave your lips nakey: Even if you want to you bare-faced, throw on some type of lip product. Gloss, lipstick, chapstick with a hint of color...Something! You can cover your eyes with sunglasses, but nothing screams, "Look at my washed out face," like bare lips.

Pic via Buzzfeed

Do  you want everyone looking at you like this??? I didn't think so. Keep something easy like:

 

 Maybelline Baby Lips Lip Balm

Or one of my favorites:

Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter

on your person all the time. You never know when you're going to run into your ex-boyfriend. Don't look a hot mess.

3. Style your "bang area": Even on days when you just want to air dry your hair, blow dry/style the front. Trust. You won't have that weird, cowlick/but wait I don't have a cowlick/I look crazy hair thing going on. This is literally what my hair looks like if I don't do this, and let all of my hair air dry.

I'm not exaggerating. Don't let serial killer Aileen Wuornos be your hair twin. You want to look bad ass, but not THAT kind of bad ass.

4. Wash your freaking face at night: Ugh, I hate this one the most. Washing my face at night seems as daunting as swimming the English Channel every night. (Is the Chunnel under the Channel? That would make sense, but I'm no Magellan.) But this ish is really important, as much as it sucks. Sleeping all night with a nasty makeup/oil/dirty gross marination on your skin is not cute. If you want to skip a cleansing, skip the morning wash. Not washing at night leads to congested skin, clogged pores, acne, and just all-over grossness. (It's a medical term.)

What is your beauty dread? Being a girl is the worst.



Pin It

Let's Play the 'I'm Trash' Highlights for Adults

You guys remember Highlights Magazine, right? It was at your Dr.'s office and crap when you were a kid, waiting to get your tetanus shot or whatever your pediatric deal was. You had to find a pair of scissors in a picture of an owl's nest or some mess. You were supposed to locate the stuff that didn't belong. That was the point. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you should get a subscription. That ish was the bomb. (Yep, it's '97 all over again.)

So let's play a little Highlights. Pick out all of the things in this picture that prove that I am a trash bag. I won't even make you flip to another page for the answers!

1. I have weave tracks falling out of my head. (A least it's not real REAL hair. Silver lining!)
2. As you can tell by my steering wheel, I am both an unsafe driver and a dirty b, because I put my makeup on in the car. (And obvs smear junk all over the car.)
3. I often have black crap on my fingers because I use them as a cosmetic brush.
4. It's hard to tell in this picture, but all of my nails BUT my thumb nail are painted.
5. If this were a scratch-and-sniff photo, you would know that my makeup brushes kind of smell like McDonald's french fries. I haven't been to a McDonald's in years.

Wow, wasn't that nostalgic and fun??? I am an equal opportunity b. I hate myself as much as everyone else, so it evens out...

What makes you guys trash? Or are you way to classy to answer that question?



Pin It