The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video

I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.

I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Whatever the Hell Kind of Effery This B is Pulling

Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.



Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.

Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.




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Ethan Hawke, You're Code Platinum Freaking Me the Eff Out.

via buzzfeed

You guys. No, a scary clown, Iggy Pop, and current Billy Idol didn't have a threesome (or maybe they did) and produce this person. THIS IS ETHAN-REMEMBER-HOW-HOT-I-WAS-IN-REALITY-BITES-HAWKE. Now before you get all up on my jock, I know he's in some play or some sh*t and that's what this look is all about. But b*tch isn't on stage when this shit was taken. Put on an effin' hat, witch hazel off that eyeliner, and get some deeeeeeep moisturizer on your mug before subjecting all of our retinas to this mess.

More of this, less of whatever the gross is happening up there. I'm done. I'm eyes are making my mind grapes hurt.

And some wine. Lots of wine.



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We're All Getting Old/Where the Hell Have I Been News

Pic via Daily Mail

Jessie Spano is like one second from pooping popping out (I don't know where babies come from) a kid. How did I not know this? It wasn't in the Saved by the Bell Fans 4EVA!!!! (yes, four exclamation points) newsletter.  In other news, she and her husband obvi love a well-worn military jacket. Are those grommets, sir? How historically accurate of you!

P.S. I don't know this man's story, but if he's not a soap opera or Cinemax late night movie actor, he totally missed his calling.

And on completely unrelated topic, this is what Ashanti has been wearing lately, courtesy Bossip:

Oh, honey. I don't even know where it's safe to rest my eyes in this piece. That lace applique is working hard for its money. But on a positive note, "Foolish" is still totally my jam! That's some good ish.



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Why Do I Feel Funny?

With the recent leak of the cover, I have been feverishly thinking (Not that way, sick brains!) about Lindsay Lohan's soon to be released Playboy issue. I mean, there is a lot of potential for awkwardness. It had to be re-shot, so what kind of crap was produced in the first go-round? Was this pre or post fixing the meth teeth? I can't remember, and I'm too freaking lazy to google it. Am I on meth?

Anyway, all of this got me thinking about celebrities posing for Playboy or simply being on the cover. There have been a lot. Some good, some bad, some that are just...awkward. So here's my list of the top five most awkward celebrity Playboy cover models and/or pictorials.

Honorable (or horrible) Mention: Shannen Doherty in German (???) Playboy

What in the hell IS this? Nobody does this to Brenda Walsh's face! This mess looks like it was painted by a blind monk that worked as Kelly Taylor dictated. Hell to the naw! (Copyright: Whitney Houston)

# 5 Teri Polo

I personally enjoy my Teri Polo starring alongside the likes of Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro in family friendly-ish films, not attempting to mouth love a strawberry and showing me her hootenanny. No ma'am.

# 4 Carnie Wilson, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson (TIE!)

I can declare a tie! Shut your mouth. Don't get me wrong, they all looked great for their a-hem "spreads" (I'm sorry, gross.), but this is how I like and picture my Carnie, Tiffany, and Debbie (I'm not calling you Debrah) Gibson.

Now THIS is glamor, okay Carnie? Tell me you can tear your eyes away from those earrings. I dare you!

Can't you just SMELL the Electric Youth perfume wafting from this photo? And that hat? It beats boobs any day, any time.

 

Speaking of hats, can you even with this? Because I sure as hell can! This picture is what happens when a festive Christmas wreath marries a door knocker and births a ginger angel.

# 3 Latoya Jackson

We all know that Toy Toy is the cray cray of the Jackson clan (which is really saying something), but on the real I can't even mess with this cover. Between the studded jacket, those nails, and the glitter star earring that's bigger than her face, I can't even hate on this magical carpet ride.

# 2 Donald Trump

Why? And...No.

# 1 Candice Bergen

This is like finding a video of your parents doing it. Just a whole big ol' bag of no. What would Murphy Brown say about this? I would rather see Miles and the painter/handyman/whatever that dude did in a warm embrace than this. (I want to see that anyway.)

At least she didn't get nakey. That's something her shoulder pads could never unsee. Pin It

Speaking of Dry Heaves

Pic via Us Weekly

Hey, Wilmer. You might want to take your tongue out of 19 year old Demi Lovato's mouth, and use it to try to get yourself some work. The last (Possibly?) paying gig I saw you in was a LMFAO music video.

I kind of feel like Wilmer Valderrama has based his life on Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused. 

What was that gross line from the movie? 

  "That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age." 

Yep, he's totally doing that.

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Code ORANGE!

I was perusing the ol' Facebook earlier today, checking out people's Halloween pictures. (One of my favorite pastimes, BT-dubs. I can silently judge people. But now I'm blogging about it...Whoopsie?) I noticed an issue with a lot of girls/ladies/young women/whatevs. No, not the slutiness/tininess/low rent-ness of the costumes. Do your thang, girl! It's Halloween! No, this was something much more sinister. So many b's were way too damn tan! It looked like a dang Valencia orange grove up in there! Let's explore this issue...I'll even talk ish about myself!


I mean, sh*t! Look at me! I was too tan even on my wedding day. And those pictures WON'T DIE! I was a tanorexic b for a looooong time. Not. Cute. But don't worry! I'm not the only one.


Ol' Xtina (Remember that?!?) has been too tan forever, along with a long list of other celebrities. See: Everyone on Jerseylicious. (Yes, I'm stretching at the term "celebrity.") Baseball mitts, anyone?


Oh these two. Even swag-a-rific designers aren't immune to this is. You know Anne Hathaway is thinking, "If this b gets his crazy ass bronzer all over my porcelain skin, I will scream!" (You know she's a stomping, screaming kind. Look at her face. It's okay, Annie. I am too!) I can't even with Donatella. She's just filed under: Too. Much.


And you KNOW I couldn't forget about America's sweetheart! B*tch got 99 problems, and her tan is one. Honey, you SELL SELF TANNER. Get it together!

I'm pleading with everyone. Being too tan is not cute! It's a real thing! C'mon peeps. Let's kick this ish together, and self tan in moderation. (NO TANNING BEDS!)

PSA, anyone? Pin It

When Pants-less-ness Goes Too Far

Listen, Aggs. I still love you, but this is just more than my poor eye/heart combination can take. What exactly am I viewing here? Tights and boyshorts? A leotard and a t-shit? (I seriously typed that first. It fits.) At least she wore her sensible and sassy Chico's pleather coat over this mess. I mean, really. Some things are sacred!

Photo: US Weekly Pin It

What the Hell am I Looking at Here, Exactly?

We all know Paz de la Huerta is a crazy ass crazy, but this is a man down level of cray cray. I literally do not know where to rest my eyes. I'm not even mad that she's wearing my dream prom dress from '97. Or that her skin is half a day glo shade from that salmon on acid dress color. Or that her hair looks like one of those shitty Spencer's wigs you buy for your slutty Shania Twain Halloween costume and then wear home tossed askew on your walk of shame the next morning. What in the disgusting effery is that lipstick?!? She looks like she just made out with this dude. Who the hell am I kidding? I love this bitch. Pin It

WTF in HAM Hell is Happening?

First I come across these pics of Lilo kissing (???) her mom that should come with a complementary vat of Lysol and radioactive-proof eye shields. Then ol' horsey Montag pops up looking CRAAAAYY-ZAAAAY! What in the overly bleached hell is happening?!? If you want to see more of this mess and you have had your swine flu vaccinations as well as your tetanus (Heh...anus...) shots, check out more of the Lohan crew over at Rumor Fix. For more of Heidi, who has obviously jumped on the train to low-rent, brokedown Anna Nicole-ville, hop on ova to TMZ.

P.S. Lohans - Think of the CHILDREN!!! That poor little boy having these people raise him. Oy vey. Pin It

Hey, Katy?

 

Quit fighting the hot, honey. You can start by borrowing my bottle of hair dye. See you at Sally's! Pin It

This. Is. Horrifying.

So you guys remember this chick, right? The supposed 16 year old that's constantly making creepy sex faces that married the old dude from Green Mile? Well, it gets grosser. You have GOT to read her twitter. This crap is highly disturbing coming from a "16 year old girl." I feel all kinds of illegal right now. Pin It

Listen, Biebs. I Think YOU Have Bieber Fever.

This ish is getting ridiculous. Who is Justin Bieber's stylist? Me circa 1997? And listen, honey, I love lesbians. But you are seriously toeing the line into Lesbionic town here. You are wearing onyx stud earrings and a sweater I SWEAR I bought on clearance from Contempo Casual in 10th grade. No mf-ing cute. (Unless it is, in fact, 1997.) Pin It

Hold Me. I'm Scared.

Seriously, WTF is this? This is Michaele Salahi of RHWoDC, and White House party crashing fame. I have no words. Except maybe sit the eff down, madame.

P.S. The dude performing with her is DJ UPS. Yep. This is really happening. Pin It

I'm Pretty Sure This is the Worst.

This is a Crossroads/Terminator cluster f. Brit, you are 30. And you are not Avril Lavigne circa 2002. You just flashed a ginger child. I am not okay. Pin It

Gross.

I just can't with Tom Cruise. He might be the actual worst. No, seriously, T.C. Please sit down.

P.S. We all know that you requested that Taylor Lautner's abs be photoshopped onto your (???) body. Okay, bye bye now. Pin It

I know I'm old, but daaayum.

What exactly is cute about this? I feel like I'm having a flashback. Of this.

 

You're headed down a slippery slope, Biebs.

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