I Found My People: Grumpy British Oldies Forced To Listen To Pharrell's "Happy," Promptly Hate It.

I have to say something that probably goes against current popular opinion. I hate Pharrell's "Happy." It's like musical version of some bag of b-holes telling you to smile. Don't tell me when to smile.

So power blasting a song telling me to be happy doesn't, in fact, make me feel happy. It makes me wonder when the shit it's going to end. Like this guy:

I feel you, sir. If people still wore watches, I would totally be looking at mine right now. But ol' timepiece isn't even my favorite elderly person in this video. I found my not-down-ass soulmate:

He's surly as eff, enjoys a pink shirt, can't clap two hands together, and is somewhat androgynous, as old people are wont to be. This man is perfect. I want to binge-watch a Columbo marathon with him.

Oh, and screw this guy. (Figuratively, of course.) You know what actually makes me happy? This:

)


happy video via buzzfeed Pin It

25 Things I Would Rather Do Than Partake In Black Friday

I just can't with Black Friday, you guys. Maybe it's because I've worked a lot of them. Maybe it's because I have internet access, a couch and zero effs to give. All I know is that THIS is not on my agenda in life.



I can't believe that no one scooped up that Sponge Bob onsie, yet.

So instead for being involved in that anarchy, I'm here, telling you the 25 things I would gladly do rather than be inside a retail establishment today.

1. Abstain from petting and/or looking at pictures of puppies all day.



2. Watch a Two And A Half Men marathon.
3. Not eat bacon.
4. Get a tight, tight spiral perm.

5. Re-paint an apartment that I'm vacating.
6. Diligently shop online for a 1987 Cathy Calendar. Ack, all the way around.

7. Touch a possum's (opossum if you're fancy) tail.
8.  Go on a "date" with Dustin Diamond.

9. Return something to Ikea.
10. Eat a sh*tload of canned English peas.
11. Listen to Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Women" on repeat.

12. Figure out what the eff that jelly sh*t is inside a fruit cake.
13. Read Yahoo Answers...answers.

14. Perfect the dark brown lip liner/frosted white lipstick combo look.
15. Have Glamour Shots taken with Richard Simmons.
16. Hang on a Teeters Hang Ups.
17. Hit up the Golden Corral chocolate fountain with Tonya Harding.

18. Put together an intricate, to-scale model of one of Beyoncé's summer homes.
19. Get into a twitter war with Tara Reid.
20. Make an ass ton of non-alcoholic Jello Jigglers.

21. Hang out at a Chess King with Stefan Urquelle.
22. Decorate oversized Hane's t-shirts with puffy-painted squiggly lines.
23. Churn butter.
24. Watch middle schoolers' YouTube videos.
25. This:

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6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.

via yandy.com (obvs)

You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.






 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.

via halloweencostumes.com

I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

via yandy.com

WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.

via buycostumes.com

I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.

via buycostumes.com

WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.

via forplaycatalog.com

Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.

Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.


#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.

via lookhuman.com

NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.

What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.



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THIS SH*T HAS GONE TOO FAR, JUSTIN BIEBER. Go to your room immediately, young man!

pics via Bieb's instagram

I know that I need to get of of Justin Bieber's jock. (GROSS.) But when ish like this is popping up on my instagram, I CANNOT IGNORE IT. What in mother eff is all of this? That far right picture just makes me feel illegal. Please stop showing me your toddler underoos, Biebs. And working out in overalls isn't overalls is just ridiculous. And stop photographing yourself by the heavy weights. We all know you just power walk and use your mom's strap-on ankle weights. You aren't fooling my ass.

But my biggest issue is the I-undid-one-overall-strap thing that is happening. ARE WE REALLY HERE AGAIN? Because you know who wore this look better?

DONNIE EFFING WAHLBERG, B*TCH. You can't even rock the 'alls as hard as Jordan.

Okay, maybe Jordan. Homeboy has a rat tail halfway to his ass.

P.S. Can we all just drink in this photo for a moment?

My life will never be as wonderful as it is at this moment. NKOTB 4 EVA.




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BREAKING NEWS: Beyonce Got Bangs.

pic via usweekly

I don't like them. Nor do I enjoy your ensemble. (To be read en-sam-blay.) Carry on.

Thoughts, people?


via usweekly



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I Don't...Understand...This...

I found myself staring at this InStyle cover yesterday in the grocery store, unable to move. This ish has me perplexed. WHAT THE EFF IS THIS PICTURE? Sofia Vergara is one of the hottest b's in the game right now, and InStyle is using this mess on the cover? B looks cray. If someone said, "Hey, what is Latoya Jackson doing on the cover of InStyle?" I would not even question it. And then I would slap them and unfriend them on Facebook, because Toy Toy is an obvious style icon. Duh.

I mean, please. Stop. Playing. B took inspiration from Britney Spears' I'm a Slave 4 U, threw in some woodland fairy and rolled with it. Flawless.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. It is hard to make Sofia Vergara look, ermmm, not so great and InStyle did that here. I also find it somewhat ironic that this is the 'color' issue, and ol' Sofs looks super washed out. Can a sister get a little bronzer?

What do you guys think? Am I right? Or am I the crazy brains around here? (Don't answer that.)



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The Big Ol' WTF From the SAG Awards

 

Seriously, Wiig? I hope that this is how we got here: Kristen was playing memory lane dress up (where you put on weird crap that you own from a million years ago) right before the SAG Awards, and she threw on her most heinous choker from circa '98. (She's funny! It amuses her!) Meanwhile, her friend was ironically (hilariously) gluing on Lee brand press-on nails right behind her. Somehow the nail glue droplets fell into the choker's attaching apparatus thingy, locking the horrible choker onto Wiig's neck! And Wiig has a scissor phobia, so she doesn't keep any in her house, rendering her completely unable to remove the gross choker! At this point, she just has to throw on her decent but pretty 'meh' dress and skedaddle! 

That's the only possible explanation. Or a wild west posse forced her to wear that mess at gunpoint. That's it.

P.S. I don't care that it's some old ass Fred Leighton bougie bougie boo boo stuff. A mess is a mess is a mess.

P.P.S. Her makeup looks pretty.


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Vinny Wants You to Pretend That He's Raping You...

 You can file this under "Ummm, No Thanks." That Vinny dude from Jersey Shore wrote a rap, and TMZ has the romantic lyrics:

"I ain't got a girl ... You ain't got a man ...
I've got a date for ya ... and it's in my pants."

The rap continues: 
"Oh you a fan? You wanna take a pic?
I like your crack girl ... I wanna take a hit.
Yeah I'm takin' it ... I'm a get you naked b*tch ...
We can f**k and make it fit... boomin s**t and slatin' it.
Actin' like I'm raping it ...
f** k her til she fakin' it."

But wait, there's more: 
"If I act like a d*ck ... slap me with your t*ts."

 Seriously? What the eff is this mess? I just can't with any of these Jersey Shore h.a.m. sandwiches. Just go swim in your dirty MTV money like Scrooge McDuck and quit rapping about fake raping b's.

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I Just Can't: Vicky Edition

Listen, I usually can co-sign just about anything that ol' Poshy Becks wears. I'm down with the tightness (That sounds gross.), the cray cray high heels (Love it!), and the on-and-off again hair extensions (Check!). However, THIS, I am not into. The leather (stirrup?) leggings are cool. The dress is fine. But together? Yeah, no. Maybe if the dress was shorter? Or just not there, and she was wearing a top? Or are these leather leg warmers? Oh, God. My heart hurts.

P.S. I TOTALLY endorse David Beckham, though. Just wear him. Pin It

Is Nothing Sacred???

Jennifer Lopez is producing and probably STARRING in a live-action remake of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, according to Deadline. I am not okay with this. (But I am okay with JLo's earrings here. Hey, girl!) Seriously, what the eff is next? Tom Cruise starring in a remake of Oregon Trail? Just because you like to wear hats, b, doesn't mean you can be Carmen Sandiego. No ma'am! Next! Pin It

Um, J Love?

Picture via TMZ

Listen, you vagazzling cray cray. Just because Kim Kardashian's face doesn't even resemble Kim Kardashian anymore, doesn't mean we need a replacement. We're good. In fact, we're over capacity. But please make more prostitute/masseuse Lifetime movies. Those are awesome. Thanks, b!

Sincerely,
America

P.S. Take that dress off. It's not 2009. Pin It

Is This Real Life?

No, not this picture of Blondie and Andre the Giant. But I googled "Steven Seagal" and this came up. And wouldn't you rather look at that hot duo of sex than this?


I mean you see this enough. Every day, when you pop in your "Songs from the Crystal Cave" and you just jam the eff out. I see you. Anyway, can I get to the damn point? According to the San Antonio Press, Steven Seagal is now working for the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Office to guard to Mexico-USA border. Like for a job. Like not an acting one. I mean, for real, kid. I feel you.

P.S. I need that ring, Seagal. Pin It

I'm Changing the Name of This Blog...

To icantstopobsessingovercourtneystodden.com. But seriously, WTF world??? Please go look at ALL of these pictures of her "just another day at the pool" over on Superficial.

P.S. YOU ARE WELCOME! Pin It

WTF in HAM Hell is Happening?

First I come across these pics of Lilo kissing (???) her mom that should come with a complementary vat of Lysol and radioactive-proof eye shields. Then ol' horsey Montag pops up looking CRAAAAYY-ZAAAAY! What in the overly bleached hell is happening?!? If you want to see more of this mess and you have had your swine flu vaccinations as well as your tetanus (Heh...anus...) shots, check out more of the Lohan crew over at Rumor Fix. For more of Heidi, who has obviously jumped on the train to low-rent, brokedown Anna Nicole-ville, hop on ova to TMZ.

P.S. Lohans - Think of the CHILDREN!!! That poor little boy having these people raise him. Oy vey. Pin It

Is This Supposed to Make We Want to Buy Expensive Ass Ish?

I mean, what is this effery? This reminds me of one thing...

Yep. These hot b*tches are possessed. Only explanation.

P.S. Thanks to my homegirl, Kristen, for the tip.

P.P.S. If any of you hoes want to suggest a blog topic or whatevs you can always email me at glossanddirt@gmail.com Pin It

What Kind of Effery Happened Last Night?

I hate the VMA's. That ish is boring. I literally caught 2.3 seconds. This is what I saw.

Is this what we are doing now? Too. Much. Bitch couldn't even walk with that ish on her head.

Listen, Biebs. You have left butch lesbian and are starting to look lipstick. You are wearing a friggin' YSL BROACH for God's sake!!! This crap is getting ridiculous. I don't even know what is happening. You are one step away from looking like Betty White. Pin It

Hey, Katy?

 

Quit fighting the hot, honey. You can start by borrowing my bottle of hair dye. See you at Sally's! Pin It

Let's Talk About This Krap.

 Have you guys heard about this line the Kardashian sisters are doing for Sears? Well they had a launch party last night for said line, and they are wearing the wares. Please hop on over the the Sears website so you can view this Kardashian Kollection. Okay, are you back? Let's talk about this mess.

First of all, stop with the "K" bull ish. It's not "kute." Now let's talk about the clothes. They are pretty much what I would expect. Kind of tacky and cheap looking, okay, fine. Not too shocking. You know what is shocking the eff out of me? The frigging price!!! Take Kourtney's outfit in the picture above. The top is $96 and the skirt is $99. B's, you are out of your damn minds. Almost $200 for a SEARS OUTFIT?!?

Target has been doing successful collaborations with REAL DESIGNERS like Alexander McQueen and Zac Posen for years, and at slightly above their normal, low prices. Dresses are usually $30 to $40. And customers understand the the quality will not be the haute couture of the normal high-end designs. I really don't know where these people get off. WTF? You are turning away your Sears customers by pricing this crap so highly.

What do you guys think? Are you into these looks? What about the prices? Pin It

Get Ready to Feel Old as Eff: Part 198430918

This b is pregnant. (Not like, here in this picture. Don't be gross!)

Hilary Duff announced her pregnancy via her website. Now let's all just pour a little out for our homies that were her big veneers. (Remember that??? Then like a week later she filed them down?) Pop bottles.

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I Just Can't.

There are so many reasons that this is sad.

via buzzfeed Pin It