GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Burger King's "Black Whopper"

Burger King’s Halloween Whopper will be its first intentionally frightening burger http://t.co/dzELHy4X3r pic.twitter.com/2JtLRLklz3

— BGR.com (@BGR) September 21, 2015

I could be on an episode of "True Life: I Love Black EVERYTHING." Because my heart and soul are black as eff, and you know this, and I tend to think the darker the better (in all scenarios). So much so that my husband and I were watching some show on Discovery ID, like every second of every day in my life, and it was about some goth kids murdering someone. He was like, "I can't believe you weren't a goth." And I said, "It's too much work and feelings. Otherwise, I would have been." The point of that pretty pointless story is that I like black shit. A lot.

BUT THIS HALLOWEEN-Y "BLACK WHOPPER" LOOKS MF-ING GROSS. Why do I want to eat a black bun? How does that even make this a Halloween hamburger? Nary a candy corn or a snaggle-toothed pumpkin in sight.

How boring.

And ordinary.

And not even really trying.

Just pour some liquid smoke in a box and tell me it's a "Ghost Whopper." I'll respect that more.





via a hopefully inaccurate report from Business Insider



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Halloween Is My Favorite Holiday: A Retrospective Look

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have already seen this picture of the soaring heights of my Halloween costume creativity, paired with some nonsense child that clearly doesn't hold a candle (zing!) to my costuming endeavors. Actual child, please.

As you can see, it's an understatement to say that I MF-ing love Halloween. I've always preferred a costume to boring human attire, so this holiday is right up my alley. It's an alley that leads straight to Crazy Town, so tread lightly. Don't believe me? Do you know who else loved costumes?

Thank you. Little Edie is my homie 4LYFE, but she crazy. Get on our level.

My favorite Halloween memories are not the ones that include the slutty monkey outfit that consisted of a faux-fur bra/ears/tail that I constructed myself, or even these mermaid stripper boots that took me almost 349852039 years to shoddily hot-glue into life.

They are of my childhood costumes, 99.9% of which were purchased at some shitty pop-up Halloween store adjacent to the mall. During this time, I had a bratty habit of wearing my OG costume for weeks on end before trick-or-treating, and getting completely burned out on that costume. So much so that I would sometimes make my mom buy an entirely different costume. I know, I know. What a dick.

Here's a perfect example: I got a bride costume one year (ick, nast, inappropriate), but don't worry, I only chose it because it had a white, stretchy sateen bodice trimmed with sequined elastic. And a tulle-y, possibly mullet skirt. I'm also remembering white lace fingerless gloves, although my brain might be confusing that detail with this. Or this. I have a shitload of fingerless lace gloves in the old memory bank. (I unfortunately can't find a picture of this damn getup, but I do have this picture, which is equally inappropriate for a child.)

I wore that shit over and over, because, doy, it was like a ballgown to my second grade self. I was fancy as eff. And a child bride, but whatever. When Halloween week finally rolled around, I was so over the bride costume. It had become like my favorite acid wash jean skort -- nothing special.

So I did whatever any rude kid would do; I whined until my mom bought me a bumblebee costume that I wanted strictly because it had antennas made from gold glittery balls on springs attached to a headband. The glitter ended up all over my stupid face by the end of Halloween night. But I deserved the risk of a scratched cornea for being such a crap ass.

I also don't have a picture of the bumblebee costume, because I suck, but here I am serving it as a witch in a wig. Don't ask me what homie next to me is supposed to be, but he's really utilizing that tarp/disposable tablecloth well.

Halloween rules, every other holiday drools.



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The Halloween Tutorial You've Always Wanted In Your Life: Honey Boo Boo

I'm such an old. I can't even do peace fingers the "cool" way.

Are you guys all hyped for Halloween? That shit is my favorite time of year. You can look completely ridiculous and not get one single judgey look. So I felt it necessary to do a solid Halloween tutorial.

And because I'm always on time, like Ja Rule and Ashanti, I picked Honey Boo Boo. Yes, I have a calendar.





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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Ariel Halloween Makeup Edition

It's almost Halloween up in here (up in here)! That's my ride-or-die favorite time of year, and to kick off ye olde costume season, I did a little tutorial for The Little Mermaid for my latest "Get the Look" Allure Insiders video.

I might have even attempted my own Ariel-esque hair flip in this video. You'll have to watch and find out how that turned out, although I'm sure that you can deduce the outcome, you little Sherlock Holmes.

Happy (almost) Halloween!



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6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.

via yandy.com (obvs)

You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.






 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.

via halloweencostumes.com

I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

via yandy.com

WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.

via buycostumes.com

I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.

via buycostumes.com

WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.

via forplaycatalog.com

Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.

Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.


#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.

via lookhuman.com

NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.

What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Shaun White's Seashell Boobs and Dinglehopper

pic via shaun white's twitter

I've been posting a lot of semi nude men lately, but this is just crossing (heh) the mofo line. This is Shaun White's Halloween costume. Get it? He's Ariel. (Ginger, tail, dinglehopper...) I secretly have a warm spot (Shut up! It's warms -- in spots -- sometimes.) for ginger dudes. For some reason, I think that they are sexual in one way or another. Two words: Prince Harry. I think it's because I have a red haired recessive gene in my family, and it's nature trying to keep the red huurrr going strong. Whatever. I do find Shaun White's hair sexy, but only if it was on my head. B has some good ass hair, right? So I did a little research, AKA googled, and here's what he says are his hair tips to People in like 2010:

“My secret is an awesome new product – called water,” White deadpans. “It’s pretty curly on its own. I just use the hotel shampoo and conditioner and wash it every other day, because otherwise it gets huge. Two days of snowboarding in a helmet helps — it looks better dirtier.”

Smug b.


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Neil Patrick Harris' Family Never Fails to Make a B SQUEEEEE!

via neil patrick harris' twitter

Listen, I'm not even kid obsessed, or anything, but this ish is freaking ridiculously adorable. Kids in Halloween costumes are already really cute, but the whole family? In themed costumes? Squeeeee, b*tch. SQUEEEE!

P.S. Lil' Dorothy is totally into it, but Lil' Lion looks vaguely pissed. And NPH's husband is possibly the cutest.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure

Tonight is Halloween. (duh) That means if you don't clean your ish up tonight, after a wild night of crazy faced debauchery, you will look a hot, hot mess tomorrow. Go read my Allure blog for tips on how to clean up your Halloween hair and makeup mess.



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Happy Halloween, You Scandalous B's!

I know that this is turning into an "I heart Richard Simmons" blog, but I don't give an eff.



I also have another favorite Halloween video to set yo' ass off today.



Now go get your slutty baby doll costume on, or whatever. Get that candy, girl!


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If You Don't Send Me Hate Mail Over This Halloween Video, I Don't Even Know You Anymore.

This is the bottom of the trash heap, people. Enjoy my downward spiral.

Happy Halloween, b faces!


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Obligatory Halloween Post: Crap That Scared Me When I Was a Kid

I effing love Halloween. I love scary ish, costumes, when stuff gets weird -- all of it is awesome to me. And I've always been this way.

Oh, who's that badass witch, complete with wig and possible brown face (yikes)? Yup, that's me. I go all out, even at five. I really tried to find a picture of the year when I dressed up as a birthday cake and made my costume, but it's mysteriously missing. Count yourself lucky.

Anyway, I always loved scary crap, whether it happened around Halloween or not. I LOVED Roald Dahl as a kid, and The Witches was one of my favorite books. And the movie was my total jam, but that ish was scary.

Am I right, or what? Anjelica Huston is a lovely woman, but that b horrified me when I was a kid. A couple of years later, I got into Christopher Pike/RL Stine books. (And don't come to me with that Goosebumps garbage.)

I read so friggin' many of these books in late elementary/middle school. They were all based around teenaged kids with secrets and crap. I can't really remember, but I feel like they were scary versions of Swan's Crossing.



EDIT: I just remember that I WROTE a Christopher Pike-esque book in middle school. It was horrible. (Clearly.)

But something that really scared the ish out of me was Are You Afraid of the Dark?



The sad part is that I was TOO OLD TO BE SCARED OF THIS MESS. I remember CRYING over an episode about a ghost and couldn't sleep, and I was like 15. That is not even appropriate. I am so dumb.



What were you guys scared of when you were kids? I'm still scared of ghosts. Homey don't play that mess.


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