Who Would You Do: A Ranking Of Horror Movie Killers

I love horror movies. Even shitty ones. I also love to rank dudes. And as long as my brain and heart are keeping it 100, I really enjoy doing this because women are constantly being ranked like a mofo, and that is mildly-to-moderately annoying. So why not combine these two seemingly unrelated pastimes into a giant, awkward hodgepodge, by playing a game of who would you do, starring horror movie killers? Let's discuss who slayed our hearts (and other parts) and who killed us a little too softly.

#11 -- Pennywise the Clown

I mean, are you effing kidding me? If you find Pennywise attractive in any way, please escort yourself to the nearest exit. Those '90s-Pamela-Anderson-Lee eyebrows alone are enough to induce vivid-ass nightmares.

Verdict: I would rather stab my eyeballs out with one of those teeths than get on that.

#10 -- Chucky 

There's a murderer's soul trapped in a ginger doll's body, which makes for a pretty horrifying situation in the ol' sex department. And look how he's attacking that adorable, miniature King Jaffe. That bitch is just all shades of wrong, man.

Verdict: The only box that little guy is getting in is the one from the toy manufacturer.

#9 -- Freddy Krueger

Homie might not have the best looking mug on the block, but he can put together a decent outfit and even accessorizes pretty well. But his checkered past and sharp finger areas make him decidedly less sexually attractive.

Verdict: Hard pass on those knife phalanges. NOPE.

#8 -- Michael Myers 

MM has terrible hair, and we've only seen a flash of that precious murder face, but there's just something about this pasty-faced slow walker. Ladies love a man in a (janitorial) uniform?

Verdict: Solid maybe for that ill-fitting mask and those bedroom eye holes.

#7 -- Pinhead

Okay, so this dude's the biggest sadist in all of the universes, and his mouth is a real crime scene. But his makeup is kind of amazing, and his face is like a necklace hoarder's wet dream of a DIY Pinterest (heh) project.

Verdict: Ellie Goulding told me anything could happen, so who the hell knows.

#6 -- Jason Voorhees

I'm pretty, pretty sure under that mask lies a blazing hot mess, but I'm still intrigued by the mystery of it all. Someone call Dr. Tobias Fünke, I think I read too many R.L. Stine books in the '90s.

Verdict: Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

#5 -- Hannibal Lecter 

What's not to like about a smart, well-read doctor that loves to cook? And he's such a helper! (Note: The TV version of Dr. Lecter is seriously hot AF, no doubt.)

Verdict: Yes, but only eat at restaurants that you choose.

#4 -- Candyman

This guy used to scare the shit out of me, but in 1992 everyone was afraid of those freaky-bitches-that-popped-up-in-the-mirror-after-saying-their-name-multiple-times types. I see you, Bloody Mary. Upon further reflection (ZING!), CM is pretty hot (that jawline!) and is a boss at pulling off that sexy-whisper voice.

Verdict: Buzz on over to my (lady) flower.

#3 -- Buffalo Bill 

Bill is hot, and he knows it. He's so confident in his tuck! He looks phenomenal in a kimono! And even he would eff himself. Hard. You can't question that.

Verdict: He loves lotion AND dogs! It's a yes.

#2 -- Norman Bates 

Norm has mommy issues like woah and is a total creepy-ass weirdo, but they power of those bangs cannot be denied. MOM BONES + ME 4EVA.

Verdict: Reservation for two at the Bates Motel for this girl.

#1 -- The Scream Boys

Is it inappropriate that two "teenaged" boys are number one for me? Please, I talked about sexing a child's doll -- nothing is off limits. Billy Loomis is the sexiest low-rent Johnny Depp that ever perused the hair gel section of CVS.

Verdict: I will not make the obvious scream joke here. I WILL NOT.

Who would you do? Can this be a new ABC show?

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Quick Sh*t Hits

Hey guys, I've been a little distant lately. I've been in a deep, deep Game of Thrones hole, but, sadly, that's over for a year. Since I've been gone, here's what happening.

Henry Cavill has a perfect face and can "Look, Ma, no hands," the eff outta bicycle.



I've had a thing for homeboy since The Tudors, and he sure hasn't gotten any uglier.

Also, Biebs is going to space.

 

If this is the first impressions aliens get of Earthlings, we're all f*cked.

And this happened, too.

via twitter

Listen, Juno, I like your ass, but you can't have my Skar-y.

Lastly, this exists. Goodnight, cruel world.


What's been going on with your asses? And what TV dramzzzz shall I be sucked into next? TALK TO ME.


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ET Should Probably Go Home.

I'll give a Fruit by the Foot to any b that can make it through this video. Not a Fruit Roll Up. What am I, effin' made of money? I'll throw in a pack of gusher to anyone that can send out a memo on what's up with that mouth situation. Mr. Bubble? Anyone?

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The Creepiest Ass Toys From My Childhood.

Bah Humbug, b*tches. In the vein of me hating the holidays, I thought I would compile a list of the worst/creepiest toys that I can remember from childhood. I immediately thought of this first one, because it combines grossness with kids' annoying curiosity, leaving parents answering a ish load of awkward questions. (Well, not me. My mom bought me a book about sex when I was five. Yep, I was THAT kid. Explains a lot, doesn't it?)



I mean, in theory, I get this toy. Puppies are cute, and stuff. But pretty much performing c-sections on stuffed animals gets into extremely high creep levels for me. Not to mention, after you pull those little w's out the first time, isn't the point of the toy over? What do you do next? Fake wean them?



I actually had Teddy Ruxpin, so I can attest to the fact that homeboy was creepy. He blinked and crap, which I realize was CUTTING DAMN EDGE in '86, or whatever, but it was creepy. I'm also not crazy about the commercial. Kid is like borderline getting bullied by the class, and the toy is saving his ass and making him cool. Great.



I DID NOT HAVE EITHER OF THESE, praise the Lord. Because is anything weirder than a doll that is roughly your size and the basis of a horror movie? Terrifying. Why did toy companies do this to our child-sized asses?!? Plus, the jingle is super stalker-y. Gross.



Now this last one, I don't have any real complaints about. Except that her bright nonsense may keep your ass awake all night, and you'd be too tired to make paper mache balloons in art class the next day, or something. (Don't forget yo' smock!)  I can't remember if I had PJ Sparkles (Hot name, by the way.), or just coveted her, but a huge light up bow and a freakum dress that converts into an elegant ballgown with a tug of a hand? I'm sold.

What toys freaked you out when you guys were kids? And if you're like, "That Bratz doll that came out last year." I will straight slap you.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Jared Leto's Browless Ass

via huffpo

Ho-leeee mother eff, you guys. What in hairless cat face hell happened to Jordan Catalano?

Jared Leto and a friend on their way to lunch.

I know that this sh*t is for a movie, but get this b some brow toupees or something, man. I can't be having that mess all shoved up in my eyeballs. It's freaking me out.

Jared is usually a stone cold ass fox, so this is some harsh crap. I will donate my hair to make this man some emergency brows, if need be. I AM FRIGHTENED. What the eff would Rickie say about this?

Oh. Well, Rickie's too busy being hot to worry about Jordan/Jared's eyebrow game. But you know who's not? My ass.

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Obligatory Halloween Post: Crap That Scared Me When I Was a Kid

I effing love Halloween. I love scary ish, costumes, when stuff gets weird -- all of it is awesome to me. And I've always been this way.

Oh, who's that badass witch, complete with wig and possible brown face (yikes)? Yup, that's me. I go all out, even at five. I really tried to find a picture of the year when I dressed up as a birthday cake and made my costume, but it's mysteriously missing. Count yourself lucky.

Anyway, I always loved scary crap, whether it happened around Halloween or not. I LOVED Roald Dahl as a kid, and The Witches was one of my favorite books. And the movie was my total jam, but that ish was scary.

Am I right, or what? Anjelica Huston is a lovely woman, but that b horrified me when I was a kid. A couple of years later, I got into Christopher Pike/RL Stine books. (And don't come to me with that Goosebumps garbage.)

I read so friggin' many of these books in late elementary/middle school. They were all based around teenaged kids with secrets and crap. I can't really remember, but I feel like they were scary versions of Swan's Crossing.



EDIT: I just remember that I WROTE a Christopher Pike-esque book in middle school. It was horrible. (Clearly.)

But something that really scared the ish out of me was Are You Afraid of the Dark?



The sad part is that I was TOO OLD TO BE SCARED OF THIS MESS. I remember CRYING over an episode about a ghost and couldn't sleep, and I was like 15. That is not even appropriate. I am so dumb.



What were you guys scared of when you were kids? I'm still scared of ghosts. Homey don't play that mess.


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Happy Halloween, Eyeballs!

I've kind of got a thing for Alfred Hitchcock. No, not a sexual thing, weridos. And no, not because his last name is awesome. I remember seeing Dial 'M' for Murder when I was a kid and thinking it was all kinds of badass. So I'm super excited about the upcoming movie Hitchcock, detailing the making of Psycho. The only negative about this whole deal is that it makes me want to watch Psycho, and that ish isn't on Netflix. Which is just effing rude, and makes me want to flick Netflix in the armpit. ( I don't even know what that means.)

But speaking of scary mess, have you guys seen the pictures of the skeleton formerly know as Matthew McConaughey?

pic via daily mail

I know that this nonsense is for a movie role, but holy damn. This is the scariest thing I have ever seen. I'm assuming that the people he is walking with are his parents, and they came to see him because they are concerned for his ass. Look past his mom's glamorous metallic leather jacket and at her expression. B is horrified. I'll pour out a little of my milkshake for my skinny homie later.

Will you guys be into watching Hitchcock? Are you afraid by MMc's ass right now?


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Should I Be Scared?

I need to go bleach my skin.


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Time to jump in our spaceships!

So, before you play this at full volume in your cubicle, it's super NSFW language. I mean, obvs. It's Tupac, y'all.

But seriously...

Now, let's all ride or die.



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Don't Fall Asleep Tonight...

Because this might scare the tee tee out of you. (Wear your Nighty Nights just in case.)



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Nope. Completely Natural!

I LOVE this photo montage from US Magazine cataloging Kate Gosselin's face over the past several years, and speculating over the procedures that she's had done. The first picture looks like a woman on trial for the murder of her abusive, preacher husband. The most recent looks like a crazy b trying desperately to become a regular on the RHoBH. Oh God, she's probably reading this (You know she has herself on crazy Google alert status updates.), and I just gave her an idea for her next career move. Dammit! Pin It

Code ORANGE!

I was perusing the ol' Facebook earlier today, checking out people's Halloween pictures. (One of my favorite pastimes, BT-dubs. I can silently judge people. But now I'm blogging about it...Whoopsie?) I noticed an issue with a lot of girls/ladies/young women/whatevs. No, not the slutiness/tininess/low rent-ness of the costumes. Do your thang, girl! It's Halloween! No, this was something much more sinister. So many b's were way too damn tan! It looked like a dang Valencia orange grove up in there! Let's explore this issue...I'll even talk ish about myself!


I mean, sh*t! Look at me! I was too tan even on my wedding day. And those pictures WON'T DIE! I was a tanorexic b for a looooong time. Not. Cute. But don't worry! I'm not the only one.


Ol' Xtina (Remember that?!?) has been too tan forever, along with a long list of other celebrities. See: Everyone on Jerseylicious. (Yes, I'm stretching at the term "celebrity.") Baseball mitts, anyone?


Oh these two. Even swag-a-rific designers aren't immune to this is. You know Anne Hathaway is thinking, "If this b gets his crazy ass bronzer all over my porcelain skin, I will scream!" (You know she's a stomping, screaming kind. Look at her face. It's okay, Annie. I am too!) I can't even with Donatella. She's just filed under: Too. Much.


And you KNOW I couldn't forget about America's sweetheart! B*tch got 99 problems, and her tan is one. Honey, you SELL SELF TANNER. Get it together!

I'm pleading with everyone. Being too tan is not cute! It's a real thing! C'mon peeps. Let's kick this ish together, and self tan in moderation. (NO TANNING BEDS!)

PSA, anyone? Pin It