Weird Makeup Inspo: Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

I recently bought the Are You Afraid of the Dark trilogy, because how could I not, and also...

Reading these books again really brought me back to being a weird kid, reenacting the stories in front of my Stepmom's video camera. Especially my literal ride-or-die (it's basically all horseback riding) story, "Cold as Clay."

In tribute, I did a non-scary eye look inspired by this two-paged tale of terror. Okay, terror is way too strong. Curiosity? Whatever, watch if you're into it.




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5 Beauty Lessons I Learned From My '90s Mall Job

Hang in there kids, it gets better. Serve it up in your Senior pictures, in spite of that mall haircut. #morelayersthanalayercake

A photo posted by Shannon Ray (Gloss And Dirt) (@glossanddirt) on May 11, 2015 at 5:41pm PDT

I grew up in a relatively small town, and teenaged it up in the '90s. So, suffice it to say, malls were everything. And kind of the only thing to do, save hanging out in giant groups in front of 7-11 and paging people from payphones. I worked at CHAMPS SPORTS in the mall, which is probably the most ill-fitting mall job I could ever have, as a staunch sports h8r.

Before we get started here, let me set the scene for you: I was wearing a pink ice ring and a gold anklet I got from the mall jewelry kiosk, which hit my ankle just above my Adidas shell-toes or Pumas, depending on the day at Champs. I had a haircut and chunky highlights also from the mall (see above), but more on that later. It was 1998.

This was actually my third job, and maybe where I learned the most. At least beauty-wise. My second job was at a car dealership, where I learned that men in their 30's will give 16-year-old girls cigarettes if asked, but that's not a super-helpful Soul Sunday lesson. Instead, let's go to the mall and see what I beauty info I gleaned from doing time there.

1. Jerry Maguire is an actual person.

Okay, so I straight-up lied to your face. There are only four beauty lessons here. This first one has nothing to do with beauty, but I needed to share this story with the world (i.e. the five people that will read this). My Assistant Manager's name at Champs Sports was JERRY MAGUIRE. And I could never get over it.

Him: "Hi, I'm the new Assistant Manager, Jerry Maguire"

Me: "Wait, what? Like JERRY MAGUIRE, Jerry Maguire????"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Wow! What was that like, when you first heard about the movie? Did you freak out? Did you scream in the movie theater? Did you pee just a little bit? Did you slap someone with a pair of satin gloves?"

Him: "No. It wasn't really a big deal."

Me:

YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE A MOVIE NAME, SIR. NOT EVEN A TOM CRUISE MOVIE. I spoke to him as little as possible after that.

2. Mall hair cuts can eff you up, man.

My actual haircut was pretty much this gif. It was very shitty.

I got my hair done in the mall because, uhh doy, I worked there and could strut my ass down there in less time than it took to drink an Orange Julius. A perfectly pleasant-ish woman close to retirement age would highlight and cut it to my non-specification every couple months. I said I wanted to have hair the color of Heather Locklear's (THIS IS SO '90s), and ended up with chunky highlights. I told her to give my a fun haircut, and ended up having THAT for my senior pictures.

Listen, #NotAllMallHaircuts are bad haircuts. Just choose your adventure carefully. And bring extra Heather Locklear pictures.

3. Work your shit, even when you get in trouble for it.

A part of the Champs Sports sporty uniform included khaki shorts. My shorts happened to be very short khaki shorts. During one of my short-shorted shifts, the Regional Manager came to visit the store. This man informed me that my shorts were too short. I told him I wasn't changing, and the only reason people even came in the store was because of my shorts. Oh, 17-year-old bravado, you are such an asshole-y card. I somehow did not get fired, or even in trouble, and I kept wearing the shorts.

Bottom line -- if ever there is a time to show all that gam, it's when you're a rude 17-year-old. So do you, and eff what a mid-level manager type has to say. Have you seen Kylie Jenner?

4. You can still lace up a Nike with really long acrylic nails.

My high school acrylic nails were long as hell. They were so long that they almost started curling back toward my palm. But I didn't let those plastic talons hold me back from completing my mall job duties. I could lace a K Swiss in record time. I could spray the Michael Jordan cologne sample on the drop of a dime. (Am I writing a poem right now?) I could ring up those no-show athletic socks tout suite.

Other non-mall job duties I could perform included: inserting/removing contact lenses, applying chocolate brown lipstick with just a hint of frost, and opening and closing the clasps on chokers from Contempo Casuals.

Don't you ever let someone tell you your beauty choices are limiting and ridiculous, even if they probably are.

5. Cocoa butter is the tits.

My manager at Champs Sports was a giant of a man with deep, glowy skin, and probably the last person I would think would give my a beauty love to last a lifetime. He was a really manly type of dude.

But one day, after a long shift of my adolescent complaining about dry hands, he opened a drawer and tossed me a tube of something. "What's this?" I said, completely unfamiliar with this new lotion he had tossed into my Edward Scissorhands hands. He was like, "You've never heard of cocoa butter? Try it." AND THAT'S WHEN I FELL IN MF-ing LOVE. (With the cocoa butter, not the manager. He was like 30-something.)

If you have read this blog for even three seconds, you know I have an undying, ride-or-die love for cocoa butter. It's one of the only products I have used consistently for over 15 years. And I owe it all to that man, whose name I can't remember, because it wasn't Jerry Maguire.

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Random-Ass Beauty Obsession: Drew Barrymore In Bad Girls

Sometimes a beauty look just sticks in your brain craw and doesn't dislodge, no matter how much time passes, or how much that beauty look is based upon a revenge-seeking prostitute (actually, bonus points for that!). Especially if it graces your awkwardly pubescent eyeballs just as you've turned the horrible age of 13. For me, that iconic beauty moment comes via Drew Barrymore in Bad Girls.

You've probably never even seen this movie, as it's regarded as pretty much a heaping cinematic garbage bag, but I really can't be trusted to judge it clearly. This movie has all the markings of something that I love. It starred a ton of badass bitches like Andie McDowell (!), Madeline Stowe (!!) and Mary Stuart Masterson (!!! until infinity):

THE BEST NOT-OPENLY LESBIAN LOVE STORY EVER TOLD

It's set in a romanticized version of ye olde west, which I love:

And it was released in 1994, when I looked like this:

Needless to say, I needed some sexy and solid beauty inspo at the time, and Drew provided all that and a bag of chips -- because it was the '90s, man. If you're in middle school and looking for a beauty hero, this really speaks to you in your most I-just-got-my-first-period of times.

Take that, Language Arts Where the Red Fern Grows diorama project, I'm busy trying to figure out how I can bleach my hair, when I'm not even allowed to ride my bike to the neighborhood 7-11!

And if that's not enough to draw you in, there were also bedazzled chokers!

And suspenders and eyelet undergarments as shirts and platinum curls with tendrils!

And more hats than a girl in 1994 could dream!

And don't even get me started on the touch-of-brown-but-mostly-nude matte lip.

Just looking at these pictures again fills me with a burning desire to be an underage saloon prostitute who's not afraid to shoot a dude. LILLY LARONETTE 4EVA.

Who's your unconventional beauty icon? Don't even cheat and say Rose from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. That's so obvious.







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An Introspective Look (HAHAHA, YEAH RIGHT) At The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story

We open on throngs of screaming kids (Jesus, take the wheel) at a SBTB probable mall appearance in 1990. It's the height of the kids' popularity, and bitches be wilding, et al. "But it wasn't always this way," Screech ruminates, and we go back TWO WHOLE YEARS to see the rocky start.

Right from the jump off we learn that this is Screech's (okay, Dustin Diamond, complete birth name) story. Well, kind of. He's apparently an executive producer, but didn't contribute to the script. Or the production. This shit is way #unauthorized. And jankety.

We learn that the OG show was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, because HELLO, IT'S HAYLEY MF-ING MILLS. Google that shit if you're too young to pick up what I'm throwing down. Blah, blah, blah, it gets cancelled and morphs into Saved by the Bell. My favorite part during this "act" was the total shade thrown at Jennie Garth, who was up for the Kelly Kapowski part. The show biz-y mofo's were all, "We can do better." HAHAHA. Take that, Kelly Taylor!

The kids are doing their boring homeschool, or whatever you call on-set learin' times, and we get to see Slater wearing all of THIS. We also get to see Zach (Zack?) dying his roots. I feel you, bro.

The big wigs tell the kids that the ratings suck a fat one. But don't worry, the ratings are amazing in the next scene! Wowee wowee wow!

Now we're back to the opening scene, where girls are literally ripping the shirt from Zach(k)'s tiny body. Is this nip pic illegal? Also, everyone in this movies seems super Canadian.

We next see Screech going through such tough times as: not getting groupie strange and the wardrobe lady saying, "I hate working with kids!" Ruff. This all leads to daydreams comprised of whatever the eff this is:

via lifetime tv tumblr

Mark-Paul Z likes Lisa/Lark, but she's a Jehovah's Witness, so she can't go on dates. But then Tiffani-Amber and Mark-Paul (Yeezus, with all of the damn names) have to kiss, and they maybe like doing it, or something. Unclear.

I 100% had that shirt in 1993. I'm talking about Mark-Paul's. Why is this my life?

Everyone starts hating Screech/Dustin's ass because he laughed at Jessie/Elizabeth's hilarious "I'm so excited...I'm so...scared," pill scene, so he goes on a garbage-can-kicking/drinking-straight-vodka-from-a-flask binge. Sacre bleu! (Remind me to tell you the story of me throwing up in the yard of a party after drinking a water bottle filled with vodka at 16. It was a straight horror movie. You've got to come harder than that, Screech/Dustin.)

Then Screech/Dustin allegedly punches out this kid, which I can 100% guarantee did not happen IRL. He also does karate and drinks from a flask again. Where the shit does a 16 year old kid get a flask? I don't even have a flask and I'm a grown ass woman. Do I need a flask? Is that what the kids are doing these days?

All the kids are doing press tours, and poor Screech/Dustin has to go to Spartanburg, SC (NC?). NOT PARIS, USA. He again drinks from the flask, which may or may not have a dragon on it. It might be a yin yang symbol. Again, unclear. He also tells his dad that he got laid. Guh-ross, amirite?

Everything starts going crazy (in the most tame way possible). Jessie and Kelly quit, and Screech/Dustin starts taking the marijuanas. THE GATEWAY DRUG. After being a total druggy, Screech/Dustin get blackmailed over a video of him smoking pot. I mean, how much can one person take?!?

Finally, the children all graduate and we can put this shitshow to bed. This was the least scandalous unauthorized form of anything that I've ever seen. I was 0.000000% shocked by anything. Good job not being terrible kids, I guess?

Did you watch this mess? What did you think?




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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-Themed Video Roundup That You've Always (Never) Wanted

Did you go see the TMNT movie this weekend? I didn't, because I'm a grown ass woman and too old for that shit. But because of the release, there have been a plethora of ninja turtle-related videos being passed around like a tray of the cheesiest of cheesy hors d'oeuvres.

Let's dive right in, first with some live action (action) from the OG-ish turtles on Oprah's show. Get ready for a cheese-splosion.



This is from 1990, but if you said it was from 1890, I'd be inclined to believe you. Damn, technology, you've come a long way in...almost 25 years. Shit, I'm old.

This whole bit looked like a rejected skit from Chuck E Cheese. The kids' faces in the audience spoke volumes.

They're like, "I'm only here because my mom wanted to take a day off work. I wish I was in computer lab playing Oregon Trail. This is some straight bullshit."

This entire video gave me adjacent-embarrassment issues. Oprah, you've come a long way, baby. And one of those guys in the turtle suits (sorry, did I ruin the illusion?) went on the be Brad Pitt. (No, he didn't.)

Speaking of embarrassment, poor Vanilla Ice.



Not only is he starring in a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese commercial, he's playing himself as a current-day stock boy. On one hand, I feel like I wrote this commercial. On the other, times are tough. If this is Ice's real life situation, hook me up with a job, bro. I'll bring in my resume.

With VI's "Go, Ninja, go" moment in mind, let's watch the most adorable TMNT video that's ever been made.



If the real movies contained buckets of fat and sleepy pugs, I would be there on MF-ing opening night. With a jumbo popcorn and Twizzler straw for my drink.

me, trying to get the last piece of popcorn

You're welcome for inserting "Go, Ninja, go, Ninja, go," deeeeply into your brain areas. Send your hate mail directly to me c/o Vanilla Ice, because he'll probably be my shift manager at my new job.




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A Video Roundup Version Of Chicken Soup For The Soul

You know I'm a sucka ass sucka for videos. But I don't want to watch some "Gangnam Style" bullshit, I want to see things that soothe my soul. With this in mind, I have compiled some of my favorite videos that I have come across in the past couple days, in hopes that they will bring comfort and joy to you and yours.

DMX on a Slingshot



WARNING: NSFW LANGUAGE LIKE WOAH. This is DMX. Don't go bumping this as you walk into your boss' office with a boombox on your shoulder. (I don't know your work environment, but it sounds super-cool.)

I do have some questions and/or ponderings about this video. Is DMX using the audio from this as an intro to a new song? I feel like he's putting on a bit of a show here. You know that he's not sitting at home, binge-watching Game of Thrones, and barking like a dog. He's eating Twizzlers and popcorn, and drinking wine slushies like the rest of us. Stop playing, Mr. X. #celebritiesarejustlikeus

Paranormal Pugtivity



I don't even really have anything that I can add to this. No comments or embellishments are needed on perfection. Play on, player.

This Person Dancing

Post by Bang Bang Bang.

I literally have zero information about the circumstances in which this video was shot, but I don't even really need to know. This girl is flawless. She clearly enjoys pumping up the jam, so you best take several steps back. I just really hope that she's on a good glucosamine and chondroitin supplement. I'm concerned about the health of her shoulder joints.

Happy Thursay, mofos.


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Mug Makeover: Clueless (Cher Horowitz) Edition

I blame the friggin' "Fancy" video. For everything, really, but especially for re-resurrecting (yep, not a word) my Cher Horowitz beauty infatuation. I even wrote about this bangin' cinematic moment briefly in this Allure post, but that couldn't satiate my Clueless hunger.

So I decided that I really had no choice but to do a Mug Makeover for my favorite CH moment. Bonus points for the fact that it's super-easy to duplicate.

P.S. CLUELESS IS ON MF-ING NETFLIX, YOU GUYS, GET EXCITED.

The first step is to apply a nude/light brown matte eyeshadow to your lids. I used "Naked" from Urban Decay.

Next you'll want to line your upper waterline with a waterproof black liner (I used UD 24/7 Eye Pencil in "Zero") to make you look like you've got one billion lashes without mimicking Taylor Momsen's eyeliner habit. Because this eyeball look is trés natural, we're swapping out the black liner for brown (like MUFE Aqua Eyes liner in "Matte Brown") when it comes to lining your upper lid. Let the bottom lid go completely sans liner, then mascara away. I only did one coat (and a half), because Cher's makeup isn't very lash-centric.

For brows, I only defined the tail with Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in "Dark Brown." I also tried to make my brows a slightly straighter shape because, doy, that's what Cher has going on.

Throw on some bright pink blush (like MAC Blush in "Dollymix"). Go for something bright and girly with the world's tiniest touch of shimmer. TINIEST.

Finish your face with a solid nude lip. I started with a matte lipstick (Wet n Wild MegaLast in "Bare it All"), then topped it of with a shiny nude 'stick (L'Oreal Colour Riche Caress Stick in "Sheer Linen"). The idea is to have a decent amount of lip color with a touch of shine.

Okay, your face is done and you're a total Betty, but now let's tackle that mop. Start by straightening your hair, turning it under at the ends like you're doing "the Rachel" -- the later years. Then pull your hair into a really high ponytail, but don't make it too tight and pull it slightly to one side.

Grab a pen (or rat tail comb, if you're fancy), and pull out the section of hair close to your forehead a little. Then pull out some of the hairs around your face to make it grown and sexy. And messy.

If your pony needs a little more oomph, you can put a clip inside the back of your 'tail. It's like a little hair bra. You know -- it supports that shit and pushes it up.

That's the end! Your you-to-Clue(less) Mug Makeover is complete. Enjoy your new life as a rich, 90s, Beverly Hills teenager. I'll just be over here going about my life trying to not be a full-on Monet.

P.P.S. Why did this electronic Fashion Plates fabulous-ity never become a thing? You're boring, technology.

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Nick Carter Gets Married, Looks...Different.

pic via intouch

Apparently Nick Carter (of Backstreet Boys, you animal!) married this person yesterday. Is that what they wore to their wedding? Or was this some kind of paid-after-wedding-club-appearance? Oh, who gives a shit. We've got bigger fish to fry...Like Nicky's face happenings.

Listen, we're all getting to be old mofos. NC and I are about the same age, so I feel you, dude. But it's not even that he's looking decrepit in the mug, so much, just different. Like Ryan Seacrest and an attractive, yet hairless, cartoon wolverine had a baby.

Also, what kind of insane in the membrane bitch am I that I'm really irritated by the cake? The "Nick" should be on the black part and the "Lauren" should be on the pink, and they should be standing on their respective sides. GET YOUR DAMN LIVES TOGETHER. Unless...it shouldn't? I fancy myself a progressive person. Do whatever, Backstreet Boys alums. I can't be bothered.



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Aubrey Plaza Makes Us All Want Ring Pops To Add Life Drama

Ring Pop! - watch more funny videos

This video really has everything that I need in life: Aubrey Plaza's unconventionally dark weirdness, rock candy masquerading as crack rock, love triangles, and fanny packs. It's Ring Pop-levels of perfect.

I want THEM ALL.

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Get That 90s Beauty Vibe, In Completely A Non-Tragic Way

They say, whoever the hell "they" are (Illuminati?), that fashion and beauty trends are cyclical, and everything comes back after about 20 years. That means we're smack dab in the middle of the 90s again. I've totally been there and done that, in middle and high school, and it was all terrifyingly terrible. With those feelings in mind, I've taken these boomeranged 90s beauty trends and given them a slightly modern tweak, so I can avoid flashbacks of the most awkward time in my life. Now I will be able to continue living like a friggin' human being, for the most part, without having to listen to a "Jock Jams" compilation album on repeat.

Chocolate Rain Nails

Yes, I used a "Chocolate Rain" reference in 2014. I know not what I do. The bad mofos at Floss Gloss sent me a sample of Blood, Suede & Tears a while back, and I have never gotten around to using it until now. There's a reason for my madness -- I have deep-seated issues with chocolate brown nail polish. It was my polish du jour (for every jour) in high school, so I'm almost still burned out on it. Like the Celine Dion Titanic song. It's all still filed under "too soon" in my brain.

But then I actually TRIED this polish, and it's pretty damn boss. I decided to top it off with my OPI Matte Top Coat to give it a more leathery look, and it looks 0% like my high school nails, but still has a hint of that 90s vibe. IN YOUR FACE, 1998!

Brows to the Max

my down ass brow pencil and well-loved anastasia brow powder

Okay, so maybe the 80s are the most known decade for big ass brows, but I refuse to think about sperm-y eyebrows of the mid to late 90s. I can't. I'm talking those lush-to-death Linda Evangelista brows that just won't quit. Those things are bad boys for life. (You know Puffy's going to try to sue me now.)

The biggest, boldest brows are built in two steps. (And in a day. Take that, Rome!) First, create the shape of the brows you want with an eyebrow pencil that's a couple of shades lighter than your hair color. Because this is the part that really shows on your skin, and doesn't stick to your hair, you don't want the pencil to be dark and super obvious. After you've penciled up, fill-in the stencil you've created with a slightly-darker-than-your-hair brow powder. Always follow the direction of the hair growth of your brows, to keep them looking natural and non-tattoo-like. Viva la bushy brows!

Kate Moss-esque Zero Effs Grunge Hair

The queen of 90s-I-don't-even-care-about-anything-I-just-happen-to-be-hot-and-my-boyfriend-is-Johnny-Depp hair is obviously Kate Moss. I mean, look at this picture. It's so meta 90s that you want to scoff your a-hole off. And Kate's like, "Wheeee! I just woke up this way! Next to Johnny mf-ing Depp in his sexy prime! I have quirky and adorable teeth! I kind of paved the way for Kirsten Dunst! I never got a thank you letter for that, but I'll let it go! Frozen! Adele Dazim! Isn't my hair so damn recklessly fabulous?"

Here's the best thing about this 90s hair resurgence: it's perfect for lazies. It really looks best with air-dried, messy hair, and this takes almost zero effort. And, really, second-day hair works even better, if you can stand it. I usually can't do second-day hair sans chapeau (thanks, seven years of French) but I treated my slightly oily hair here with the Jonathan Dry Dirt spray, which I was given a sample of, to sop up a little grease and add some texture and volume. My non-blow dried hair is limp as the limpest noodle (insert your own dirty joke, freak-a-leeks), so I've been using Dry Dirt on the daily, and it's the perfect mix of texture with a teensy bit of hold. The cherry on the 90s hair cake (that's disgusting) is a deep side part, so part it up. Okay, where's Johnny Depp? Side note -- how often do you think JD washes his hair? Twice a month, tops, I bet.

Gloom n' Doom Lips

Remember, like, seven paragraphs ago when I told you I was almost irreparably damaged in my beauty brain by my own brown nail history? I pretty much felt the same way about dark lips, man. As you can see by Exhibit A above, I really favored dark brown lips in my teenaged years. So when the dark lipped trend recently bared it's beautifully monstrous head again, I had to find a way to flip the script to let the darkness back into my life, without feeling like I was participating in a horrible Freaky Friday-like experiment.

I achieved this by pretty much living and dying by this picture of Lily Collins when it comes to dark n' lovely lips. Instead of a brown-ish based lip, I favor deep reddish burgundy, like Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. For maximum impact, I keep the rest of my mug relatively on the down low and let my lips do the talking. It's like my old school brown lip game, with a new school twist. As for my choker collection, it's been put out to pasture. Sorry, world, I'm not ready.

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10 Fierce Hair Times in Beverly Hills, 90210 History

Real talk -- I formed roughly 99.9% of my opinions in life from watching Beverly Hills, 90210. There are so many amazingly horrible things to soak up from the ten years of that show, that I could fill an entire blog with all of the wonders of that world.

One of the best and worst things about 90210? THE HAIR. Now, click through so we can talk about all of the glory and the madness that made up the best moments in 90210 hair history.


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