What's Better: The Grammys Or GRAHAM-ys?

I'm not in love with awards shows. Yet I feel compelled to watch them for posterity's sake, even though I'm not 100% clear on what the f that means. So, I watched (parts of) the Grammys last night. I felt pretty warmed-over "meh" about them overall, but there were some high points for me.

But were they good enough to win out against these graham-y items? Let's decide in a head-to-head battle of goodness.

Sia's Kind-Of Grammys Performance VS Golden Grahams Cereal

Just like my use of posterity, I'm not really sure what the deal is with Sia hiding her face. I think it's an anxiety thing, which is fine. Homegirl is talented like woah, and we got to see Kristen Wiig prancercise about in a nude leotard. I don't mind. I consider myself a pretty staunch Wiig-let (this is not a thing), so I loved this performance.

Golden Grahams is a down-ass breakfast cereal. It's delicious and tastes like crunchy honey. End of list.

Winner: Grammys, by a thin scrap of nude leotard fabric.

John Mayer Looking Sexy At The Grammys, Against All Odds VS Alexander Graham Bell

LOOKING GOOD, MR @JohnMayer #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/SRAOUmff7U
— John Mayer BR (@johnmayerbr) February 9, 2015

JM is pretty well-rumored to be a bag of ye olde douche, so I usually find myself giving a hard pass to any kind of attraction to him. But last night? Me-ow. He looks like a sexy, non-tenured college professor who's writing a book about rocks in his spare time. Please, and thank you.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and had a boss beard.

Winner: Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not THAT driven by my little lady. Give me a beard hair's breadth of credit.

Sam Smith's Acceptance Speech VS Teddy Grahams

Sam Smith is utterly adorable. And inspirational. I want to carry him around in a baby bjorn and stroke his sweet little pink (face) cheeks.

If you don't like Teddy Grahams, you can just get the hell out of here. They're a delightful snack shaped like a teddy bear. There are few things better.

Winner: Sam Smith holding Teddy Grahams. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE. IT'S LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE IN THIS BITCH.

Jay Z's Reaction To Kanye's Grammys Tomfoolery VS Grannies

This moment is perhaps my favorite thing that Jay has ever done, and I MF-ing love The Black Album. The range of split-second emotions that we feel right along with him on this journey of horror and awe cannot be matched. It's incredible.

Grannies do dope shit like bake you cookies and give you five dollar bills. Plus, they do that thing where they get their hair done once a week and then sleep standing up to make it last. Grannies are the actual OGs. And kind of vampire-y.

Winner: Grammys. Sorry, grannies. I love you.

Did you watch The Grammys last night? What did you love? Hate? Love to hate? Hate to love? Are there any other combos? (Mmmmm, combos.)



Pin It

An Introspective Look (HAHAHA, YEAH RIGHT) At The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story

We open on throngs of screaming kids (Jesus, take the wheel) at a SBTB probable mall appearance in 1990. It's the height of the kids' popularity, and bitches be wilding, et al. "But it wasn't always this way," Screech ruminates, and we go back TWO WHOLE YEARS to see the rocky start.

Right from the jump off we learn that this is Screech's (okay, Dustin Diamond, complete birth name) story. Well, kind of. He's apparently an executive producer, but didn't contribute to the script. Or the production. This shit is way #unauthorized. And jankety.

We learn that the OG show was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, because HELLO, IT'S HAYLEY MF-ING MILLS. Google that shit if you're too young to pick up what I'm throwing down. Blah, blah, blah, it gets cancelled and morphs into Saved by the Bell. My favorite part during this "act" was the total shade thrown at Jennie Garth, who was up for the Kelly Kapowski part. The show biz-y mofo's were all, "We can do better." HAHAHA. Take that, Kelly Taylor!

The kids are doing their boring homeschool, or whatever you call on-set learin' times, and we get to see Slater wearing all of THIS. We also get to see Zach (Zack?) dying his roots. I feel you, bro.

The big wigs tell the kids that the ratings suck a fat one. But don't worry, the ratings are amazing in the next scene! Wowee wowee wow!

Now we're back to the opening scene, where girls are literally ripping the shirt from Zach(k)'s tiny body. Is this nip pic illegal? Also, everyone in this movies seems super Canadian.

We next see Screech going through such tough times as: not getting groupie strange and the wardrobe lady saying, "I hate working with kids!" Ruff. This all leads to daydreams comprised of whatever the eff this is:

via lifetime tv tumblr

Mark-Paul Z likes Lisa/Lark, but she's a Jehovah's Witness, so she can't go on dates. But then Tiffani-Amber and Mark-Paul (Yeezus, with all of the damn names) have to kiss, and they maybe like doing it, or something. Unclear.

I 100% had that shirt in 1993. I'm talking about Mark-Paul's. Why is this my life?

Everyone starts hating Screech/Dustin's ass because he laughed at Jessie/Elizabeth's hilarious "I'm so excited...I'm so...scared," pill scene, so he goes on a garbage-can-kicking/drinking-straight-vodka-from-a-flask binge. Sacre bleu! (Remind me to tell you the story of me throwing up in the yard of a party after drinking a water bottle filled with vodka at 16. It was a straight horror movie. You've got to come harder than that, Screech/Dustin.)

Then Screech/Dustin allegedly punches out this kid, which I can 100% guarantee did not happen IRL. He also does karate and drinks from a flask again. Where the shit does a 16 year old kid get a flask? I don't even have a flask and I'm a grown ass woman. Do I need a flask? Is that what the kids are doing these days?

All the kids are doing press tours, and poor Screech/Dustin has to go to Spartanburg, SC (NC?). NOT PARIS, USA. He again drinks from the flask, which may or may not have a dragon on it. It might be a yin yang symbol. Again, unclear. He also tells his dad that he got laid. Guh-ross, amirite?

Everything starts going crazy (in the most tame way possible). Jessie and Kelly quit, and Screech/Dustin starts taking the marijuanas. THE GATEWAY DRUG. After being a total druggy, Screech/Dustin get blackmailed over a video of him smoking pot. I mean, how much can one person take?!?

Finally, the children all graduate and we can put this shitshow to bed. This was the least scandalous unauthorized form of anything that I've ever seen. I was 0.000000% shocked by anything. Good job not being terrible kids, I guess?

Did you watch this mess? What did you think?




Pin It

50 Things I'd Rather Watch Than The Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer

As I'm sure you've heard MF-ing everywhere today, the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out. I know that a lot of people are really excited about this sexual release (heh, I'm 13), but I happen to give exactly zero effs about this movie. I was not into the books, and now this trailer is even making me question my attraction to Jamie Dornan, which is some extreme shit.

So, instead of forcing myself to feign interest in this nonsense, I've created a list of the top 50 things that I would rather watch than the Fifty Shades trailer. Please join my ass.

#50 -- Gregg's comedy routine

#49 --The Sex and the City episodes when Carrie is dating Aleksandr Petrovsky

#48 -- Kim Zolciak's solo reality show

#47 -- The Neverending Story 2

#46 --  This, forever.

#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8

#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other

#43 -- Anything this kid does

#42 -- Old people eating soup

#41 -- A documentary about math homework

#40 -- Someone doing math homework

#39 -- A teacher grading math homework

#38 -- Any infomercial

#37 -- That guy picking up all of those Cheetos

#36 -- A movie about Britney Spears eating Cheetos

#35 -- Tammy thinking it wasn't not funny

#34 -- Paris Hilton dancing to her own music (I'm sure that happens a lot)

#33 -- One of my parents trying to open an email attachment

#32 -- A stranger browsing for culottes at Kohl's

#31 -- The Amy Fisher adult movie

#30 -- A John Wayne Bobbitt adult movie

#29 -- Dogs eating ice cream

#28 -- Cats eating ice cream

#27 -- The "My Heart Will Go On" Music Video

#26 -- A short animated film based on Cathy comics...

#25 -- ...voiced by a drunk Jessica Simpson

#24 -- Farrah Abraham crying

#23 -- Heidi Montag crying

#22 -- On the Line

#21 -- A Creed/Nickelback tribute band playing live

#20 -- Someone making a Fred Durst dick pic collage

#19 -- Tara Reid getting a pair of flared jeans hemmed

#18 -- Baby spiders hatching (nope, never mind)

#17 -- A trained baby spider circus (better)

#16 -- Trya Banks doing a monologue about herself

#15 -- A surveillance tape of alley rats rolling about in garbage

#14 -- Two glasses of milk warming to room temperature on the kitchen counter

#13 -- Katie Holmes painting her nails with a nude polish

#12 -- A remake of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

#11 -- Everyone in the world trying on Crocs at once

#10 -- A cow eating a bag of baby spinach

#9 -- Third graders learning how to play the recorder

#8 -- Richard Simmons creating an original choreography to "Party Rock Anthem"

#7 -- Myself in the mirror eating a pizza Lunchables

#6 -- Kristen Stewart washing her face with a bar of Ivory soap

#5 -- A rousing ShowBiz Pizza performance

#4 -- Dry ass toast sitting on a used Subway napkin

#3 -- Elizabeth Berkley reprising her Showgirls role in a community theater production

#2 -- All of the Kardashians shopping for hoop earrings at Claire's Boutique

#1 -- The Bachelor (just kidding, I choose death)

Are you guys excited about this movie? Am I just being a crotchety ole bitch, or what?


Pin It

True Blood Musings: All Blah-ed Out Over You

We open on a LA kara-tay dojo, apparently.

Okay, not really. It was a yoga place with this short-shorted homeboy leading a bunch of peeps through what seems like a pretty obnoxious vinyasa flow.

Wait. But why? Is this dude Jason in disguise? Did LaLa hit up the West Coast, after being inspired by the Lana Del Rey song, and take up downward dogs?

Let's discuss after the jump.

Pin It