THE TRAILER FOR THE WHITNEY HOUSTON LIFETIME BIOPIC IS HERE

I was 100% fully prepared to hate on this Whitney biopic from Lifetime. This is a really tough story to tell, about one of America's vocal treasures, and it's not like that network has a stellar rep when it comes to their tell-all celebrity biopics. So I was expecting straight-up horrible shit before I watched this.

BUT I WAS WAY WRONG, MAN. This looks really pretty frickin' stellar. Here's why I think this biopic might actually really, really work.

#1 -- Angela Bassett is directing.

And if you don't know that Angela Bassett can do no wrong in my heart, now you know.

#2 -- Ms. Houston is being played by Yaya from America's Next Top Model. And that show is my shit, even though it's one of the most ridiculous things on earth. (I love you, TyTy.) But I don't think that Yaya going to butcher this thing, because this reads very Whitney to me.

#3 -- The wigs aren't horrible. Whitney went through many hair changes over the time that this movie covers, and I saw very few bad wigs with my eyeballs.

Bravo.

Now we'll all be waiting to exhale until the premiere of Whitney on Lifetime on January 17th. (Sorry, I had to.)









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An Introspective Look (HAHAHA, YEAH RIGHT) At The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story

We open on throngs of screaming kids (Jesus, take the wheel) at a SBTB probable mall appearance in 1990. It's the height of the kids' popularity, and bitches be wilding, et al. "But it wasn't always this way," Screech ruminates, and we go back TWO WHOLE YEARS to see the rocky start.

Right from the jump off we learn that this is Screech's (okay, Dustin Diamond, complete birth name) story. Well, kind of. He's apparently an executive producer, but didn't contribute to the script. Or the production. This shit is way #unauthorized. And jankety.

We learn that the OG show was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, because HELLO, IT'S HAYLEY MF-ING MILLS. Google that shit if you're too young to pick up what I'm throwing down. Blah, blah, blah, it gets cancelled and morphs into Saved by the Bell. My favorite part during this "act" was the total shade thrown at Jennie Garth, who was up for the Kelly Kapowski part. The show biz-y mofo's were all, "We can do better." HAHAHA. Take that, Kelly Taylor!

The kids are doing their boring homeschool, or whatever you call on-set learin' times, and we get to see Slater wearing all of THIS. We also get to see Zach (Zack?) dying his roots. I feel you, bro.

The big wigs tell the kids that the ratings suck a fat one. But don't worry, the ratings are amazing in the next scene! Wowee wowee wow!

Now we're back to the opening scene, where girls are literally ripping the shirt from Zach(k)'s tiny body. Is this nip pic illegal? Also, everyone in this movies seems super Canadian.

We next see Screech going through such tough times as: not getting groupie strange and the wardrobe lady saying, "I hate working with kids!" Ruff. This all leads to daydreams comprised of whatever the eff this is:

via lifetime tv tumblr

Mark-Paul Z likes Lisa/Lark, but she's a Jehovah's Witness, so she can't go on dates. But then Tiffani-Amber and Mark-Paul (Yeezus, with all of the damn names) have to kiss, and they maybe like doing it, or something. Unclear.

I 100% had that shirt in 1993. I'm talking about Mark-Paul's. Why is this my life?

Everyone starts hating Screech/Dustin's ass because he laughed at Jessie/Elizabeth's hilarious "I'm so excited...I'm so...scared," pill scene, so he goes on a garbage-can-kicking/drinking-straight-vodka-from-a-flask binge. Sacre bleu! (Remind me to tell you the story of me throwing up in the yard of a party after drinking a water bottle filled with vodka at 16. It was a straight horror movie. You've got to come harder than that, Screech/Dustin.)

Then Screech/Dustin allegedly punches out this kid, which I can 100% guarantee did not happen IRL. He also does karate and drinks from a flask again. Where the shit does a 16 year old kid get a flask? I don't even have a flask and I'm a grown ass woman. Do I need a flask? Is that what the kids are doing these days?

All the kids are doing press tours, and poor Screech/Dustin has to go to Spartanburg, SC (NC?). NOT PARIS, USA. He again drinks from the flask, which may or may not have a dragon on it. It might be a yin yang symbol. Again, unclear. He also tells his dad that he got laid. Guh-ross, amirite?

Everything starts going crazy (in the most tame way possible). Jessie and Kelly quit, and Screech/Dustin starts taking the marijuanas. THE GATEWAY DRUG. After being a total druggy, Screech/Dustin get blackmailed over a video of him smoking pot. I mean, how much can one person take?!?

Finally, the children all graduate and we can put this shitshow to bed. This was the least scandalous unauthorized form of anything that I've ever seen. I was 0.000000% shocked by anything. Good job not being terrible kids, I guess?

Did you watch this mess? What did you think?




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A Scene From The Saved By The Bell Lifetime Movie Is Here, And It's The Best Worst Thing Ever

YOU GUYS. It's almost time for the masterpiece that is The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story (cool name, dude) to be thrust upon our souls. (It comes on September 1, so clear your MF-ing palm pilots for that day, YOU'RE BUSY.)

If this sneak-peek is any indicator of the class of film that we have in store, we are in for a massive-ass treat. This shit looks terrible. But that should come as no surprise, because the "movie" is somewhat based on Dustin Diamond's book that he wrote about his experiences on the show. And if you've ever seen anything from real-life Screech Powers, he's kind of known to be (ALLEGEDLY) a pretty tool-y tool.

Side-stepping those issues, who are these actors? I feel like Napoleon Dynamite might have been the casting director. Here's a dramatic recreation of how I think casting went:

Casting person/director/I don't know these things: "Hey, assistant person, I need for you to find any group of four white people, an African American person and a Hispanic person. Doesn't matter who. Oh, and grab some blonde hair dye, an eyebrow pencil and as many pairs of pleated pants as you can find. And if they still make those bendy hair roller things, get some of those. 

Assistant person:
 

Aaaaaaand scene.

All of those things being said, I can't wait to watch the shit out of this. Assistant, bring me my Filofax so I can set it aflame to clear my schedule forever and ever.



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The Top 10 Reasons That Lifetime Movies Are The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To You

I don't love very many things. Like, probably three to seven, max. But GD-it, I LOVE LIFETIME MOVIES. I'm pretty certain that I have seen a solid 90% of them, too. After single-handedly keeping the Lifetime networks alive for the past 20 years, I have cultivated my top 10 reasons why you should be all up on Lifetime movies.

1. The titles. Even JD Salinger couldn't have come up with a better name than, "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?"

2. Like a fine wine (what's that like?), they just get better with age. There's nothing better than a 90s LM starring the likes of Fred Savage or Tiffani (I'LL NEVER LET GO OF AMBER, SO SUCK IT) Thiessen. But ultimately, it's all about Shannen Doherty, and don't you forget that shit.

3. You can relive your favorite true crime stories without trolling super creepy message boards, and getting flagged by the FBI. Thanks for the memories, "Drew Peterson."

P.S. YOU'RE HOT, ROB LOWE, SO QUIT PLAYIN'. YOU'RE CONFUSING OUR SEXY PARTS.

4. Bitches be crazy. Lifetime movies usually involve at least one way over-the-top crazy ass crazy, which is the ultimate in entertainment.

Okay, okay. This isn't even from the Lifetime version, but I can't live my life without this GIF.

5. You get to see Lindsay Lohan do shit like this, which never gets old.

6. Where else can you experience ground-breaking television moments like the guy from Office Space clutching women's underwear to his chest? Nowhere, that's where.

7. High fashion moments in history. Do you like dudes running in the shortest of short shorts in the 80s? (Who the f doesn't?) Turn on Lifetime Movie Network for five minutes.

8. Regardless of the movie plot, it will be dramatic as shit. Looking for titles that contain the phrase, "The Perfect ______," will lead you to the highest dramatic return for your time.

Bonus points if it stars someone from either Charles in Charge or Melrose Place.

9. They make history fun! And murder-y. Lizzie Borden was (ALLEGEDLY) guilty as hell, I now know. AKA, Lifetime movies make you smarter.

10. This is where bad friggin' hair lives comfortably, and is 0% ashamed of itself.

Mother, may I get a terrible haircut that involves wispy bangs? Don't lie. This is one of the top seven worst haircuts you've ever seen.

You can't tell how bad these Faux-di Arias extensions are from this picture, but they were nightmare inducing. I still think about them regularly. Like, Season-One-Orange-is-the-New-Black-Piper's-flashback-extensions bad.

Speaking of bad Jodi Arias hair, this is her real-life cellmate:

Try not to fall in love.




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Oh, Liz & Dick.

As I told you yesterday, I am doing a little mini review (???), or maybe just my random thoughts on last night's cinematic blah-sterpiece that is Lifetime's Liz & Dick. Here are some moments I felt necessary to photograph while I watched.

I need this snake thing.

It's Creed from The Office!

This whole scene was so fake and weird. It looked like it was filmed in front of an Olan Mills studio backdrop.

I'm sorry, but I love everything about this image.

Miranda's STEVE from Sex and the City! (He only had one ball.)

Totally my favorite moment from the movie. "Man Marries Duck! Court Cries Foul!" I can't even handle it.

Homeboy's hair was TURRIBLE the entire movie.

Lindsay looked the most like Elizabeth Taylor when she was in the "White Diamonds" phase. By a total landslide.

My thoughts of the movie as a whole -- the pace was completely weird. It was like a period of a few years was drawn the eff out over 1:45, and then twenty years were shoved into an awkward fifteen minutes. It was like, "Oh, hey. We're getting back together. We're married again; oh wait -- just got divorced. We're older -- Burton died." That is sadly not even an exaggeration.

A couple of other notable things included that the beauty mark drawn on Lilo's face kept jumping sides. It would be on the left side of her face, then in the next scene on the right. CAN YOU NOT KEEP TRACK OF THAT ISH? Keep a journal, or something. Then, there was an entire scene about Elizabeth Taylor having "pudgy hands." Like a ten minute scene spent on the topic. I sh*t you not.

Overall, I was pretty bored. It wasn't terrible, but I definitely would not watch that mess again. And I think that Elizabeth Taylor would be PISSED about the movie. Did you guys watch it? What did you think?



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Wait, Lifetime Hasn't Already Made This Ish Into a Movie?!?

TMZ broke the exciting news (to me) that Lifetime is currently casting a movie depicting the life of Anna Nicole Smith. So, YES to that news. I love a tawdry ass Lifetime movie. Is there anything better? Here are my picks for to play this, ahem, interesting cast of characters.

Anna Nicole Smith --
 
My picks for Anna Nicole are Amanda Bynes as young AN, and Lilo as the older. And if you don't agree with me on this one, then...



Howard K. Stern -- In case you aren't completely up to date on Anna's daily life (What have you been doing???) Howard was ANS's long time lawyer and maybe lover (gross) and fake baby daddy.

I think that Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld would be a great Howard. He's like a good 20 years older, but whatevs, it's fine.

Anna's son, Daniel --

Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars is a pretty damn close match to AN's son, Daniel. I don't even know if he's really an actor, and he would have to do a little brow maintenance, but that ish is on point.

P.S. When I was googling to find a picture of Daniel, the FIRST picture that came up was a picture of his dead body. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE? Is that what we're doing now??? The answer is no, we are not.

J. Howard Marshall -- This was that old homeboy that Anna married when she was like 20 and he was like 2840329.

If Herbert from Family Guy isn't a dead ringer for J. Howard, I don't know who the eff is. Ol' Herbs is clearly a cartoon, so maybe they could work a little Roger Rabbit magic on this piece.

E. Pierce Marshall -- J. Howard's son, who fought AN in court forever because she wanted homie's money. (Whaaaaaat?)

I think George W. Bush is a shoe in to play this dude. They're both from Texas, and let's be real -- old white guys pretty much look the same. My dad is also a good candidate.

Larry Birkhead -- Dude was a paparazzi, Anna's REAL baby daddy, and always seemed somewhat douchey. (Seriously, the movie is going to be so freakin' awesome.)

Larry HAS to be played by Keith Urban. They are total chunky highlight twinsies.

Will you guys be watching this trainwreck of a TV movie? Please believe, I will be calling into work the next day, because this ish will be parrr-tayyy time at my house. Do you have any better ideas of casting for these hoes? Let's discuss this mess.

Thanks to Sara for emailing me this hot mess and forcing me to write about it.


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