Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Glam As Eff Celebrity Kids

We already know that celebrities primarily have their crap together, looks-wise. As if that doesn't wound your ego enough, how can we even feel semi-cool when so many celebrity kids are such badass mofos? Instead of just being insanely jealous of these small humans, I've gleaned some valuable lessons from their far-more-glamorous-than-mine lifestyles, and how they can enhance our boring, adult lives.

Lesson #1: Maddox Jolie-Pitt's brave ass bleached mohawk haircut reminds you to take a chance and get that gutsy cut.
 

If a five year old (or whatever, I'm terrible with kid ages) can get a haircut that's avant garde as sh*t, then maybe you can get more than a trim next time you hit up the Cost Cutters. Our hair can be a kind of living, growing security blanket, and changing it can take balls, but it's also an accessory that you wear every damn day so it better be pretty cool. If you feel like chopping that sh*t and matching your spirit animal Jennifer Lawrence, listen to Sara Bareilles' "Brave" on repeat three times and do it. It's just hair, IT WILL GROW BACK.

Lesson #2: Suri Cruise's constant elegance shows you CAN get your sh*t together and do a DIY mani.

Oh, who is that, Blair Waldorf? Nope, that's mf-ing Suri Cruise, who is in preschool, or some sh*t, wearing t-stap heels and a chic, floral, bubble-hemmed dress. This picture is really putting a harsh microscope on the extent of my laziness. While I find it hard to wash my hair on the reg, Suri already knows how to wear hear metallic handbag in a cross-body fashion.

I know, I know, Suri. I feel your eyes of judgement. I'll paint my toenails tomorrow.

Lesson #3: Skyler Zoe schools us on letting your beautiful curly-haired flag fly.

Hair is the world's biggest case of that annoying old tripe, "you always want what you can't have." But embracing the natural texture of your hair can be a gorgeous thing, and if you don't believe me, just ask this kid's ridiculous lovely locks. Living in these modern times (old), there are roughly 83 trillion hair products out there, so find the right combo that works for your hair and work that sh*t.

Not you, Biebs. Not you.

Lesson #4: Stafani/Rossdale kids are beacons for not being afraid to try a trend.

Listen, these kids are f*cking way, way cooler than you.  Do you have a badass professor-y looking tweed vest? Are you currently wearing a bow tie with a checkered shirt? Didn't think so. But even though we are all infinitely more pedestrian than these tiny children, we can still learn from their edge and flair. Don't be afraid to wear that bold ass purple lipstick! Zuma (Zima? Zumba? Simba?) would totally encourage it. Feel like wearing some super-extreme cat eye liner? Kingston approves. He's wearing flame shoes. Trust him.

Lesson #5: Levi McConaughey needs you to chill the hell out.

I know, I know, life's a b*tch and then you die, and all that jazz. But we could definitely learn a little something from the offspring of Matty McC, and be a little more hippie and zen-like. Stress is one of the biggest things that can wreak havoc on your beauty life and your life life, so learning to deal with it will actually make you hotter. You've got to do what you have to do to decompress -- workout if it helps, drink so damn cozy time tea, read yourself a bedtime story, I don't give an eff. Figure out your deal and make yourself feel better. And maybe try walking a bandana-wearing dog, or something.

Lesson #6: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt says do you and forget everyone's opinions.

Shiloh is a down-ass little person. She's all about breaking down gender barriers and schooling b*tches on being themselves. Shiloh does and wears what she wants, and I love it. If a kid this young can be true to their style and to themselves, then the horrible adults of this earth can all do the same.

Lesson #7: Louis Bullock lives by the motto, "When in doubt, hat it out."

LLASC, you guys. (That's Louis loves a smart chapeau, if you're a lame.) Listen, there's not much better in this life than a bangin' statement accessory, and hats near the top of the list. My favorite thing about hats? They cover dirty hair, AKA irrefutable visual evidence of my laziness. But they also add style, sass, grunge, weirdness, femininity, or whatever deal you're working with to a basic bones outfit. So take a page from lil' Louis' style book and put a hat on that sh*t.

What celebrity kid do you guys love? Did I miss anyone? Blue Ivy asked me not to mention her. She said her life is none of our damn business.



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Dammit, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. Stop Trying to Out Cute Each Other in My Heart!

via buzzfeed

Sonofab*tch. Ryan Gosling is cuter than a friggin' panda holding a baby koala wearing a monocle and an ascot. It's almost like this sh*t can't even be real. I think that Ry Gos might be an alien/android hybrid sent from outer space to steal our hearts, and ish. I mean, a person COULDN'T be cuter than this b, like, ever. Right?



Mother effer. J Law, you are making my heart explode. Why are you so cool? I really can't even handle either of these b's. It's too much. It's making me feel an emotion, and that' sh*t's not cool with me. Oh, and reporter dude that asked about her "peaking too early?" You, sir, are a dick. Can't a b*tch have LIKE FIVE MINUTES of happiness after winning an Oscar? Rude as eff. And that's saying something, coming from my ass.

P.S. If you want to buy one of those RG dish towels, you can do so here. Fifteen dollars never spent itself so easily.

P.P.S. The interviewer in the Gosling vid is pretty cool, too. Props to her for not being a dick.



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In I'll Be Your Agent News: A List of Appearance Gigs for Lindsay Lohan

As many of you b's may have heard, TMZ reported (then unreported) yesterday that emails from a talent agency were circulating saying that Lindsay Lohan was available for hire to do appearances at events such as weddings and barmitzvahs. So even though it turns out that this mess probably isn't true, it prompted me to think of what the best use of Lilo's appearance talents might be. I now present to you -- the top five new appearance gigs for Lindsay Lohan.

My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Okay, so this show hasn't been on for a hot ass minute. But she could ride in on a Mardi Gras float in a showgirl outfit or something. Effin' perfection. How am I not an agent?

Grocery Store Grand Openings. There's probably free food and wine samples at these sh*ts, Linds. And they'd probably let you use those badass giant scissors. I would do that crap for free.

Cat Adoption Drives. Homeslice can help the community and cute animals. Maybe boo needs a little furry love in her own life, too. (Not in a dirty way, creeps.) Maybe you and Ali can go halfsies on the kitty litter, or something.

Breakdancing Competitions. There are a ton of a-hem "interesting" dudes (and ladies -- remember that?) at these things, I'm sure. And they've got so sweet, sweet moves. You bring the cardboard, they'll bring the funk, yo.

Netflix Kiosk Openings. Okay, it's not as glamorous as a REAL movie premiere, but $1 rentals are pretty affordable. And you can always pop into CVS afterward and score some designer imposter body splash. Win win!

 But on the real, Lilo, I love your ass just the way you are. Never change.

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The Only 90's Tori Spelling Photo Round Up You'll Ever Need. (You Are Freaking Welcome, People.)

If Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus and broccoli had a baby, this would be its hair.

This is a helluva lot of look, T Spell. Helluva lot.

I really just wanted to post BAG's hair in this picture.

What is happening? Even the dog is freaked the eff out.

Dream 90's wedding. Annnnnnd cue vomit.

Somebody get the V05 Hot Oil Treatments in bulk. Immediately.

Holy sh*t. Lumiere is hanging from Donna Martin's ear. Times are tough, man.

My God. No. Is this a Project Runway/Michael's challenge?

I can't ever stop with this movie. WATCH. IT.

Oh, brother. Trim your bangs.

Like I could leave out mutha effin' Violet. Harry Potter bit homegirl's look.

And THIS. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS:



P.S. I still totally dance like this. I am joking 0%.


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Can I Just Be a B Face for a Minute?

pic via people

I came across this picture of Katherine Heigl over on People's Style Watch (or something). They were saying how Heigs was somehow rocking this look. And I was like:

pic via buzzfeed

Um, no. No, she is not. The dress is FINE (I hate that word.) if you like to be pretty effing boring. But I cannot co-sign on those HOSE (not even tights) and those shoes. I don't even have a problem with brown and black together, I kind of dig it, but there's something very, very elderly about this whole shebang.  And while I'm nitpicking, could the necklace BE (Chandler Bing voice) more of an awkward length for that neckline? And what is that necklace, anyway? It looks like a tribal tramp stamp from the year 2000.

Okay, I'm going to take a nap and take some St. John's Wart to try to get rid of my sh*tty attitude. Maybe I can get this puss off my face. (I love saying that. Best saying, EVER.)



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Breaking News: Jennifer Lawrence is the Most Charming/Adorable Human

I mean, seriously. I liked it so much, I want to put a BFF charm on it.


video via buzzfeed


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Someone Get Brenda on The Phone...

And the phone better look like this or I'm going to be pissed.

The New York Post is reporting that Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay (or Jennie Garth and Luke Perry if you're boring) are dating EACH OTHER. Oh, hell naw. I know that Shannen Doherty is married, (Yes, it's important to stay up to date on IMPORTANT celebrity relationship statuses. And Education Connection commercials still qualify a person as a celebrity.) but she needs to drop her dude so she can get up on this. KELLY TAYLOR CANNOT WIN.

pic via ny post

P.S. Their respective reps claim that the two are just "close friends." Ummm hmmm. That means their no no's have seen each other. B, please. These two are practically bumping and grinding to Next's Too Close in the picture above.



Pshhhaw, I say to you. Pshhhaw. And on a completely unrelated note, I just ordered this shirt:

What? A capped sleeve baseball style screen printed baby tee is totally in for fall '12. I don't dictate the trends, people.



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Wait, Lifetime Hasn't Already Made This Ish Into a Movie?!?

TMZ broke the exciting news (to me) that Lifetime is currently casting a movie depicting the life of Anna Nicole Smith. So, YES to that news. I love a tawdry ass Lifetime movie. Is there anything better? Here are my picks for to play this, ahem, interesting cast of characters.

Anna Nicole Smith --
 
My picks for Anna Nicole are Amanda Bynes as young AN, and Lilo as the older. And if you don't agree with me on this one, then...



Howard K. Stern -- In case you aren't completely up to date on Anna's daily life (What have you been doing???) Howard was ANS's long time lawyer and maybe lover (gross) and fake baby daddy.

I think that Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld would be a great Howard. He's like a good 20 years older, but whatevs, it's fine.

Anna's son, Daniel --

Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars is a pretty damn close match to AN's son, Daniel. I don't even know if he's really an actor, and he would have to do a little brow maintenance, but that ish is on point.

P.S. When I was googling to find a picture of Daniel, the FIRST picture that came up was a picture of his dead body. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE? Is that what we're doing now??? The answer is no, we are not.

J. Howard Marshall -- This was that old homeboy that Anna married when she was like 20 and he was like 2840329.

If Herbert from Family Guy isn't a dead ringer for J. Howard, I don't know who the eff is. Ol' Herbs is clearly a cartoon, so maybe they could work a little Roger Rabbit magic on this piece.

E. Pierce Marshall -- J. Howard's son, who fought AN in court forever because she wanted homie's money. (Whaaaaaat?)

I think George W. Bush is a shoe in to play this dude. They're both from Texas, and let's be real -- old white guys pretty much look the same. My dad is also a good candidate.

Larry Birkhead -- Dude was a paparazzi, Anna's REAL baby daddy, and always seemed somewhat douchey. (Seriously, the movie is going to be so freakin' awesome.)

Larry HAS to be played by Keith Urban. They are total chunky highlight twinsies.

Will you guys be watching this trainwreck of a TV movie? Please believe, I will be calling into work the next day, because this ish will be parrr-tayyy time at my house. Do you have any better ideas of casting for these hoes? Let's discuss this mess.

Thanks to Sara for emailing me this hot mess and forcing me to write about it.


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People Are Doing Crap to Their Hair and Stuff

Pic via US Weekly

Betty Draper (birth certificate name: January Jones) is now a ginger. Don't worry, her b face is still in tact. I'm not saying that to be an a-hole. I, myself, have a b face. People are always like, "What's wrong, sugar pie? Why so glum?" And I'm all, "Nothing. This is what my face looks like." So I feel you, B-Dubs.

Pic via E! Online

And in young buck news, Demi Lovato is now doing the pink tip deal. Does anyone else think that Demi is looking less and less Demi Lovato-like? She's a cute kid either way, I'm just saying. And why wasn't this pink hair mess around when it was age appropriate for me to do this ish? I missed out. My life is turrible.

Pic via Buzz Feed

Well at least there's this.


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Miley Cyrus has an Intolerance to Gluten, Human-Sized Shorts

Pic via Huffington Post

Unwad your panties, no-pants police. Miley is just wearing short shorts, like any 19 year old (or however old she is) girl. And she's probably wearing her fiance's shirt, which brings more "Awwww, how sweet!" feelings than this does:

(No, it totally doesn't.)

But I will say, that suitcase it hot. And you can give it to me whenever you wish to, Mi Cy.



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Why Do We Give a Vajazzle About Raven Symone's Lady Business?

The interwebs have been accusing Raven Symone of loving on the ladies, specifically some chicky poo from America's Next Top Model. So Olivia (Cosby, duh.) took to her Twitter to speak up on the rumors. She's pretty much telling us we're in her business more than this cat.

Pic via Huffingtonpost.com

Pretty much, b is saying that she ain't saying! Which is fine. I don't need to know what Raven's lady parts are doing (or who) 24/7.

What I DO want to know is, why this mess was cancelled.

Yes, I watched this show. And I liked it. Kind of a lot.

The only other thing I want to know from Raven Symone is if she knows where Bill Cosby bought this.

I'm in love with a sweater. (That should have been the name of the T-Pain song.)


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Lisa Turtle is Totally Stressing Me Out, You Guys.

Lisa Turtle (WTF kind of last name is that, anyway, Saved by the Bell writers???) A.K.A. Lark Voorhies (a forever sexual name) did a little interview with OMG Yahoo about what she's been up to in recent years. Here it is.

Ummm, I need to have Lark's email, cell phone, and home address info. I'm worried about her. Something doesn't look right. And I mean that without snark. What's up, Larkie poo? Here's a comparison if you hadn't seen her since she went to the toga party and wrecked her mom's car:

Pic via US Weekly

She just looks so...different. But, upon further review, I think I MIGHT have an inkling of what's going on. In the picture on the left, you can see a light spot on her forehead, near her hairline. I suspect that Lark might have vitiligo (what Michael Jackson allegedly had that lightened his skin). So, she might have a quite uneven skin tone now on most of her face. But the rest of her body looks unaffected.

Ugh, I don't know. All I know is whatever the case may be, we need to work on that hair and makeup situation, STAT.

We can fix this! It takes a village to help a cray beauty situation, but I've got you, L. Turts.




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