Busta Rhymes Fell Off A Stage, Because We're Too Old For This Sh*t

A video posted by Mess Kid (@messkid) on Nov 11, 2014 at 5:20am PST

Listen, Bus a Bus. Sometimes it's hard to accept the aging process. I totally understand that. It's like you wake up one day, and you've got hang-y down elbow skin. I feel you deeply on this.

But you know what you don't start doing when you realize you're getting old as shit and making rap videos/ads for minivans? You don't try to hang with the young dudes and turn all things all the way up near the edge of a stage. Especially when the last time we saw you, you looked like this:

Remember Busta Rhymes' BET Awards outfit? Here are 15 times when rappers looked like things. http://t.co/dtWGbCqHST pic.twitter.com/RR6r8zmC4k
— Complex Music (@ComplexMusic) August 3, 2014

It's okay, Busta. There's nothing wrong with staying home and diving into a great book with a single glass of wine, then calling it a night no later than 9:30pm. Or maybe catching a matinee movie. Let the kids be kids, with their drinking and stage dancing. Trust me, no one enjoyed several Crown and diets and a stage dance quite like me in the early-to-mid '00s, but it's time to hang our hats on those memories, B. Our time for such tom foolery has passed, and huzzah to that!

Let's just accept that we're too old for this shit and quietly settle into middle age gracefully. Call me if you want to start a book club. I'm still reading Amy Poehler, but I'm open to your suggestions.




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I Found My People: Grumpy British Oldies Forced To Listen To Pharrell's "Happy," Promptly Hate It.

I have to say something that probably goes against current popular opinion. I hate Pharrell's "Happy." It's like musical version of some bag of b-holes telling you to smile. Don't tell me when to smile.

So power blasting a song telling me to be happy doesn't, in fact, make me feel happy. It makes me wonder when the shit it's going to end. Like this guy:

I feel you, sir. If people still wore watches, I would totally be looking at mine right now. But ol' timepiece isn't even my favorite elderly person in this video. I found my not-down-ass soulmate:

He's surly as eff, enjoys a pink shirt, can't clap two hands together, and is somewhat androgynous, as old people are wont to be. This man is perfect. I want to binge-watch a Columbo marathon with him.

Oh, and screw this guy. (Figuratively, of course.) You know what actually makes me happy? This:

)


happy video via buzzfeed Pin It

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Trojan Condoms' Commercial Is Letting Us Know That Old People Are Doing It

Haven't felt like you wanted to vomit nearly enough today? This should solve that.



Well, my uterus just shriveled up and died like a Craisin, so there's that. My brain knows, deep in its recesses, that oldies occasionally get freaky. But, my eyeballs and ear holes don't need that data.

via realitytvgifs

Thanks, Trojan. I'm barren.






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Quick Sh*t: Watch Vin Diesel Lip Synching To Katy Perry And Dancing To Beyoncé All By His Lonesome. In Cargo Shorts. #Surfboard

Post by Vin Diesel.

If that didn't make you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably Superman, and therefore, invincible. Congratulations.

P.S. I see that Vin is still trying to make tank tops and camo cargo shorts happen, like it's 2004 all over again. Yay?


via Vin's Facebook page


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Shut The Hell Up News O' The Day: Maddox Jolie-Pitt Is Way Grown Up And We're All Old.

Hey guys, remember Maddox Jolie-Pitt?

Here's how I remember him, in all his highlighted, mohawk-haired glory. So cute and 5-ish! (Maybe, I don't know how old kids are...ever.) Well, get your damn granny panties on, because homeboy is, like, 25 now.

pic via huffington post

Okay, so he's 12, BUT STILL. How did I not know this? I feel like I've been Rip van Winkle-d. Is Suri Cruise driving now? Did Shiloh get her Master's in Aerospace? If Blue Ivy is doing bachelorette booze cruises already, I quit this planet.

Okay, I guess I'll go wine and dine myself into feeling like less of a dumb dumb old.



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And In "Holy F*ck, I Feel Old" News, Spencer Pratt JUST TURNED 30.

via buzzfeed

YOU GUYS, HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE THAT SPENCER IS JUST NOW 30 YEARS OLD? HOOOOWWWW? I feel like The Hills was on MTV roughly 2 trillion years ago. Is time somehow going by really and and really effing slow at the same time? Is this an episode of Quantum Leap???

Oh, by the by, Spencer, just because you're now 30 doesn't mean you have to stock up on shirts from the Men's Warehouse Two and a Half Men collection. You're thirty, not disgusting.

 Oh, yeah...

via mrhankey

We're still not that into you.





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My Open Letter to the VMAs

Hey MTV,

How's it been going for your asses lately? I'm pretty well-outside your target demographic, so I don't usually watch your sh*t much, anymore. (Except Catfish. Get Slow Clap from last night's episode his own True Life, immediately.) But I did DVR the VMAs to see if there was anything that my old ass gave one f*ck about, and here's what I noticed.

Every b*tch on the block is super up-in-arms over Miley Cyrus' "risque" performance, to which I say, mullet, please. Homegirl is 20 YEARS OLD. Do you know what my trash bag ass would have been doing on a stage at this age? Thank you, universe, for no cell phone cameras in the early 00's, or I would have proof of my skank antics. I'm not impressed.

I do have two issues with Miley, as of late. First, I know that I'm as old as sh*t, but what's with the tongue thing? You have a long tongue area. Yay?

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

My other problem with MC is this:

Boo Boo Thang thinks she can dance. And you, MTV VMAs, are encouraging that effery. Listen, Miley seems like a nice enough, albeit kind of annoying, young lady. But I have f*cking had quite enough of this world collectively pretending like this baby Pinocchio can twerk. It's not good, Miley.

By this time, I'm sure you've seen Rih Rih's (and her friend that looks like Monica circa '99) unimpressed c-face over Miley's performance. But, here's the best reaction from the crowd:

I feel you, sir. It's all very, very confusing. Let's move on.

Next, I need to holla at the costume department, because you guys need to get your sh*t together. Most of the "older" (Heeeey, dudes my age. Whaddup?) guys' clothes were WAY TOO F*CKING TIGHT and unflattering. We ain't in our 20's anymore, Robin, and stretchy suits only stretch so much. Lycra isn't a damn miracle worker.

Then the angel of my heart, and the star of the VMAs showed up, right in the middle of JT's 2 hour long concert.

No, not all of 'N Sync. (By the way, can we talk about what an awful name 'N Sync is for a boy band? It's the cheesiest. Sorry, Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.)

I'm talking about this magnificent unicorn:

Chris Kirkpatrick, in all of his ill-fitting suit glory. (RIP, multicolored Chris Kirkpatrick braids. My weave wept for your passing.)

I mean, look how OUT OF SYNC he is with his dance moves. IT'S EFFING ADORABLE.

 And his "super try hard" face. Or, it could have been his pants ripping, because like I said...

Sh*t was tight last night in the mens' suit department. But the best second of the night was this moment:

K-Pat's all like, "Damn, I don't know if my nearing-middle-aged ass can keep dancing. ARRRGGHHHA. What's next? 'Bye Bye Bye' hands?" And then JT's like, "Are you serious, man? It's 30 seconds. Try mall walking on Sundays, or something, dude." NIGHT OVER.

So, listen, MTV. Just let Chris Kirkpatrick come out with a dance show, or some sh*t. But let the man's suit out a damn inch or two.

Love Always,

Shannon

P.S. This sh*t was awkward for all, JC.

Your singing portion was over, time to take a seat. Stop trying to make a solo happen. This isn't an episode of Glee.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Atreyu From The Neverending Story All Growed Up

pic via buzzfeed

You w's know that The Neverending Story is my perpetual jam. So I'm going to make this little ditty fast, because I went to a spin class (Shut up, I do stuff sometimes.) and I have actually take a shower. Being a grown up can suck it, seriously. Anyway, the cat with the chunky highlight and the gun show is (kind of) current day kid that played Atreyu TNS. Yep. There he is. Mmmmkay.

In other news, I hope he got to keep that sweet, sweet snake pendant necklace. I've been trying to buy one like that for like 20 years. And you know he kept that tunic and still wears it. I can see it in his arched eyebrow.



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There Was a 25th Anniversary Full House Reunion (AKA Damn, It Feels Old to be a Gangsta)

Well, minus the Olsen twins -- of course. (How rude!) But Kimmy Gibbler's annoying ass was there, and even Steve (Aladdin's voice dude) came. Not to mention, all the mens have matching sunglasses (cute!) except for Stamos, because that ho is waaay to hot to cover that mug.

I need Aunt Becky's anti-aging secrets, because b looks good as hell. And who would've thought that Candace Cameron would be the one to turn out to be a stone cold fox?

pics via DJ Tanner's twitter


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Someone Get Brenda on The Phone...

And the phone better look like this or I'm going to be pissed.

The New York Post is reporting that Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay (or Jennie Garth and Luke Perry if you're boring) are dating EACH OTHER. Oh, hell naw. I know that Shannen Doherty is married, (Yes, it's important to stay up to date on IMPORTANT celebrity relationship statuses. And Education Connection commercials still qualify a person as a celebrity.) but she needs to drop her dude so she can get up on this. KELLY TAYLOR CANNOT WIN.

pic via ny post

P.S. Their respective reps claim that the two are just "close friends." Ummm hmmm. That means their no no's have seen each other. B, please. These two are practically bumping and grinding to Next's Too Close in the picture above.



Pshhhaw, I say to you. Pshhhaw. And on a completely unrelated note, I just ordered this shirt:

What? A capped sleeve baseball style screen printed baby tee is totally in for fall '12. I don't dictate the trends, people.



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It's a National Holiday! (AKA It's Hot Stoddy's Birthday)

OMG, you guys. I felt like this day would never come. It's my soul sister, Courtney Stodden's, 18th Birthday! (Yes, in human years. Don't go there.) So she obvi talked to E! News about this monumental occasion, and here's what she got for her big day:

pic via eonline

It's an Italian Greyhound named...Dourtney. What? That's totally normal. I once had a dog that I somewhat ambiguously named Dannon, after myself, and then a yogurt company totally stole that ish from me. (Spoiler alert -- that never, ever happened.) Well if you're going to pick a name from singing the Name Game song about yourself, it really could be worse. At least it's not Fourtney. Or Mourtney.

So Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people in the world. I don't even know what my life would be like without you. Cue the playing of Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You. (No, don't.) Now that Hot Stoddy is 18, we can look forward to an ish-load more of this kind of thing:

pic via courtney's twitter

Yaaaaay...?



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