My Open Letter to the VMAs

Hey MTV,

How's it been going for your asses lately? I'm pretty well-outside your target demographic, so I don't usually watch your sh*t much, anymore. (Except Catfish. Get Slow Clap from last night's episode his own True Life, immediately.) But I did DVR the VMAs to see if there was anything that my old ass gave one f*ck about, and here's what I noticed.

Every b*tch on the block is super up-in-arms over Miley Cyrus' "risque" performance, to which I say, mullet, please. Homegirl is 20 YEARS OLD. Do you know what my trash bag ass would have been doing on a stage at this age? Thank you, universe, for no cell phone cameras in the early 00's, or I would have proof of my skank antics. I'm not impressed.

I do have two issues with Miley, as of late. First, I know that I'm as old as sh*t, but what's with the tongue thing? You have a long tongue area. Yay?

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

My other problem with MC is this:

Boo Boo Thang thinks she can dance. And you, MTV VMAs, are encouraging that effery. Listen, Miley seems like a nice enough, albeit kind of annoying, young lady. But I have f*cking had quite enough of this world collectively pretending like this baby Pinocchio can twerk. It's not good, Miley.

By this time, I'm sure you've seen Rih Rih's (and her friend that looks like Monica circa '99) unimpressed c-face over Miley's performance. But, here's the best reaction from the crowd:

I feel you, sir. It's all very, very confusing. Let's move on.

Next, I need to holla at the costume department, because you guys need to get your sh*t together. Most of the "older" (Heeeey, dudes my age. Whaddup?) guys' clothes were WAY TOO F*CKING TIGHT and unflattering. We ain't in our 20's anymore, Robin, and stretchy suits only stretch so much. Lycra isn't a damn miracle worker.

Then the angel of my heart, and the star of the VMAs showed up, right in the middle of JT's 2 hour long concert.

No, not all of 'N Sync. (By the way, can we talk about what an awful name 'N Sync is for a boy band? It's the cheesiest. Sorry, Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.)

I'm talking about this magnificent unicorn:

Chris Kirkpatrick, in all of his ill-fitting suit glory. (RIP, multicolored Chris Kirkpatrick braids. My weave wept for your passing.)

I mean, look how OUT OF SYNC he is with his dance moves. IT'S EFFING ADORABLE.

 And his "super try hard" face. Or, it could have been his pants ripping, because like I said...

Sh*t was tight last night in the mens' suit department. But the best second of the night was this moment:

K-Pat's all like, "Damn, I don't know if my nearing-middle-aged ass can keep dancing. ARRRGGHHHA. What's next? 'Bye Bye Bye' hands?" And then JT's like, "Are you serious, man? It's 30 seconds. Try mall walking on Sundays, or something, dude." NIGHT OVER.

So, listen, MTV. Just let Chris Kirkpatrick come out with a dance show, or some sh*t. But let the man's suit out a damn inch or two.

Love Always,

Shannon

P.S. This sh*t was awkward for all, JC.

Your singing portion was over, time to take a seat. Stop trying to make a solo happen. This isn't an episode of Glee.

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Karate Moves So Sweet That They Can Demolish Buildings (Set to Faux Backstreet Boys Tunes)

You guys, coochie cutters can really bring the heat, when necessary, because this dude is straight killin' it with his kuh-rat-tay. Here's the apparent story behind this hot damn mess (via YouTube):

So here's the story... For those of you from Southern Ontario, it's likely that you went to Canada's Wonderland in Toronto during the late 90's/early 2000's in the Summertime. I have very fond memories of the roller coasters, waterpark and food at the amusement park. One year, I went with some friends and we came across the new video karaoke; essentially, you pay them some money and they create a blue screen video of you and your friends singing a song. They would broadcast the song, including the videos of whoever was singing at the time, on the outside of the building.They had all the hits at the time, including a number of songs by the Backstreet Boys. While I never had the guts to go in and sing something, we happened to be outside the place when this guy went in for his solo. The park staff were stunned, and my friends and I were on the ground crying with laughter! Needless to say, I wanted this video, and the staff were kind enough to oblige. I spent the rest of my spending money for the day on the VHS copy of his performance, and to this day, I still consider it money well spent. It's been hiding in a box in my basement for years, and today, I converted it to digital. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you WTF Backstreet's Back. Enjoy!

Dammit, if time machines ever get invented, I'm setting it to 1999 so I can totally creep on this Danielson.

Werk that locker key, boo.



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It's Ryan Gosling's Birthday, Girl.

In celebration of the hotness that is currently Ryan Gosling, let's look upon another time. A time when the Gos Sauce was not SO hot...

Oh sh*t. This is the best. I can't even hang with those accessories.

Sweet headband.

Aaaand with a cameo from JT's hair. Yikes

Now back to the current day.

 Pretty much.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Shaun White's Seashell Boobs and Dinglehopper

pic via shaun white's twitter

I've been posting a lot of semi nude men lately, but this is just crossing (heh) the mofo line. This is Shaun White's Halloween costume. Get it? He's Ariel. (Ginger, tail, dinglehopper...) I secretly have a warm spot (Shut up! It's warms -- in spots -- sometimes.) for ginger dudes. For some reason, I think that they are sexual in one way or another. Two words: Prince Harry. I think it's because I have a red haired recessive gene in my family, and it's nature trying to keep the red huurrr going strong. Whatever. I do find Shaun White's hair sexy, but only if it was on my head. B has some good ass hair, right? So I did a little research, AKA googled, and here's what he says are his hair tips to People in like 2010:

“My secret is an awesome new product – called water,” White deadpans. “It’s pretty curly on its own. I just use the hotel shampoo and conditioner and wash it every other day, because otherwise it gets huge. Two days of snowboarding in a helmet helps — it looks better dirtier.”

Smug b.


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Random Homie: Redken for Men Clean Brew Extra Cleansing Shampoo

I'm into a dude (shampoo). Here's how it happened. Redken sent me a sample of their Clean Brew shampoo, and after my husband's diva ass refused to try it, I decided to give it a go on my own dirty mop. From Redken:

"Anti grit technology, with a premium blend of malt, brewer’s yeast and orange zest, intensely cleanses to eliminate dirt and oil while helping to purify the scalp."

I thought to myself, "Yep, I need all of that ish. I'm grossly dirty and oily." So I used it, like any boss b would, and I haven't looked back. I like to use this shampoo once or twice a week to get rid of all of my oily/dirty mess. I follow it up with a a semi-deep (Heh.) conditioner, and my hair is like an effin' dream. It smells like a boy, but that doesn't bother me in the least. Clean dudes smell good, right?

I will caution ladies with vibrantly dyed/fragile/dry hair from using this. It could eff up your world. But if you're oily or use a lot of styling products, jump on the dude shampoo clarifying train. There's plenty of room on board for all of us broads. Toot toot!

If you're into it, you can purchase here for about $14.




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And Now, for the Creepiest Thing I've Ever Written...

 I have a weird brain. These strange things just pop into my head at times, and I don't know where the eff they come from. If I lived in the 50's I'd probably be forced into having electroshock therapy right now.

The other day, I'm sitting around, and I think, "You know who I'd like to date? Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast."

That's my man.

I mean he's such a gentleman. You know he would be so accommodating. (Be our guest, and all that ish.) And that b is French! He's a butler (or something), so he can clean.

Lumiere is my number one pick of the NON-HUMAN DISNEY CHARACTERS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DATE. (You can stop reading at any time. I know that there's something wrong with me.) Now before you call the FBI or something, I'm not talking about sexual weird crap. I don't need to be on My Strange Addiction. I'm not in love with the Eiffel Tower or anything. But...

Sexy.

My second pick is the Genie from Aladdin. He can grant you wishes, and has some badass gold bracelets I'd like to borrow. The con? He's voiced by Robin Williams. Um, nevermind. I don't want to date Mrs. Doubtfire...Or do I?

Yep, he's a bird.

My next non-human BF is Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. He's funny, and gives girls shiny presents. Actually, he might be a pimp. Be on alert.

Look at those tassels!

The last dude (?!?) on my list is the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. He can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. And the b can't talk. Are there any downsides?

Are you guys repulsed by me now? Or do you think that I missed someone (thing)? Please don't say something gross like the Tramp or Pinocchio. I can't even with that mess.



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Kan-Yeezy's New Kicks

Okay, I was trying, obvs unsuccessfully, to be cool with that headline. Sigh. This is Kanye West's new Nike sneaker (Is that what you say? It sounds like an old person to me.) called the Nike Air Yeezy II. I'm sure that mostly chicks are reading this, so most of us will not be wearing these. Or perhaps you will, I'm not up in your dude-shoe-wearing bizz like that.

Is it me being old, or do these look dangerous? I feel like I would be ripping the ish out of my car interior and such with that spiked mess. The back of these things are very reminiscent of this:

And if you don't recognize Cera from The Land Before Time, I bid you "Good day!" Slap yourself across the face with a pair of white gloves, and go to Blockbuster. (Too soon?)

Are you guys into these shoes? If you were a dude (or yourself) would you wear them?



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