GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Burger King's "Black Whopper"

Burger King’s Halloween Whopper will be its first intentionally frightening burger http://t.co/dzELHy4X3r pic.twitter.com/2JtLRLklz3

— BGR.com (@BGR) September 21, 2015

I could be on an episode of "True Life: I Love Black EVERYTHING." Because my heart and soul are black as eff, and you know this, and I tend to think the darker the better (in all scenarios). So much so that my husband and I were watching some show on Discovery ID, like every second of every day in my life, and it was about some goth kids murdering someone. He was like, "I can't believe you weren't a goth." And I said, "It's too much work and feelings. Otherwise, I would have been." The point of that pretty pointless story is that I like black shit. A lot.

BUT THIS HALLOWEEN-Y "BLACK WHOPPER" LOOKS MF-ING GROSS. Why do I want to eat a black bun? How does that even make this a Halloween hamburger? Nary a candy corn or a snaggle-toothed pumpkin in sight.

How boring.

And ordinary.

And not even really trying.

Just pour some liquid smoke in a box and tell me it's a "Ghost Whopper." I'll respect that more.





via a hopefully inaccurate report from Business Insider



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Your New Workout Jam

WARNING: I'm pretty sure one of these dudes says the f-word a couple of times, but who can really tell in this life. Just maybe don't play this in the ball pit at McDonald's. Or maybe do. I don't really care.

The name of this song is "GYM" in Papyrus font, for starters. And, actually, this whole song and video are like the Papyrus font personified, so it's really quite fitting. If there is something for adults akin to a Girl Scout badge, I really think that I deserve one for making it through the song.

I really have a lot of questions here.

Do you believe this guy's guns are as hard as lead by using his home gym thingy next to the radiator? Did he say "pumping it till it aches?" Did he also say "I GO GYM ON THE REGS?" Around the 1:00 mark, is there another song playing? Do you like to stay "busting weights with your mates?" Don't answer that, because it's obviously a yes. What's a "pro-in" shake? Why is the glass shaped like that? Are all glasses in Europe shaped in such a way? Was he really running that fast? It seemed more speed walk-y to me, but maybe I'm a bad judge of speed. Where did that third guy come from? What's on that piece of copy paper taped to the wall with packing tape? Did the surprise dude say his muscles are "kind of coned?"

At this point in the video, I started to travel to an alternate universe where this video didn't even exist, and shitty workout equipment had never been invented, so I don't really know what happened after that.

I'm never playing another YouTube video again.

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(Hot) GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Alexander Skarsgård In Drag

Who's that hot blonde? Alexander Skarsgård serving up Drag Race realness. He redefines the phrase "golden girl!" pic.twitter.com/hko3nwGcU4

— James Patrick Herman (@TheGlamourGuy) August 4, 2015

If you've ever lain awake nights thinking, "I wonder if that sexy-ass Alexander Skarsgård would make a gorgeous, 6'4" lady?" here's your answer: It's a clear and resounding, "YES, BITCH." Now you can sit back, relax, pour yourself a tall, frosted glass of Goldschlager and swallow that mofo whole. (I'm not sure that entire euphemism worked even a little, but you get it. At least kind of.)

Alexander kept it grown and sexy last night at the premiere of his lastest movie, The Diary of a Teenage Girl, which took place at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, and included a pre-movie drag show. If I have learned anything today, it's that I am not living my best life. I'm living, like, my seventh best life.

Alexander Skarsgård looking fabulous at the premiere of 'The Diary of a Teenage Girl' this week. pic.twitter.com/qulJ0HSRgz

— The Film Stage (@TheFilmStage) August 4, 2015

And if you think that just because such a giant man chose such an disproportionately tiny clutch to carry, or that because he looks 573% more eleganza in a floor-length, sequined dress than I ever could, would dull my attraction to this beautiful, Swedish meatless meatball, YOU ARE DEAD MF-ING WRONG. (Also, if you think that last sentence was the most awkwardly-worded thing you've ever read, you are dead right. Welcome.)

I will firmly keep AS(s) in the "will do" column, semi-sad wig ends be damned.

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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: All Of Us, For Not Being On A Jet Ski With Jennifer Lawrence And Amy Schumer

Jlaw #maniac

A photo posted by @amyschumer on Jul 30, 2015 at 7:30am PDT

I mean, can a bitch hop on one of those banana boat things? An inner-tube? Some type of shit?

Here's Jennifer Lawrence driving Amy Schumer around on a GD jet ski, gallivanting around like a couple of Ariels, while I went to jury duty today. (Also, how long can I milk that annoying situation? Just today, or what?) I hate watersports (ZING-A-THON!) and even I want to get in on this action.

And this wasn't the only activity of the day.

Human pyramid

A photo posted by @amyschumer on Jul 30, 2015 at 7:23pm PDT

Of course, Jen and her tiny, baby-sized belly button are at the top of the pyramid. If I were part of these festivities, I would mos def be the homegirl lying in the front, and not because I was wearing a knee brace and just got a fierce-ass perm. I just hate participation.

Actually, I wouldn't even be on the boat. If Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence called me on a three-way call, one from a phone that was shaped like a pair of lips and one from a clear plastic phone with colorful wires inside, and personally invited me to go frolic in the sea, I would be like, "Sorry, bitch, I'm watching Judge Judy in a room darkened with blackout curtains." And then I would shove more white cheddar popcorn into my pie hole. Because that is my actual life.

Let's just try to end this on a positive note.

SOS, send more popcorn.








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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Ben Affleck's Beautiful Puppy, Who Doesn't Have Time For You

Ben Affleck is the kind of guy who would buy you a puppy for Christmas & not realize it was an irresponsible choice. pic.twitter.com/ySzmtL7ZU4

— Sabrina Yawncough (@ms_yawncough) July 20, 2015

Have you heard the very, very important news that the Affleck family has a relatively new puppy? I don't know why you wouldn't already have this information, as it should be the hearth of your brain knowledge, but maybe you've been busy doing open heart surgeries for a living and haven't heard.

This unnamed fluffy bundle is undoubtedly adorable, but also clearly doesn't have time for your shit, or walking. He or she must be a fan of the Arianna Grande mode of transportation, which is understandable. Walking is for boring plebs.

Here are some other things this puppy doesn't have time for:

• Ben Affleck's (possibly/seemingly) ungrateful attitude about having such an adorable treasure. 

 

 

•  Ben's flippy wave bangs.

•  To pick up some Salon Selectives from Target. She'll just get some later on Amazon Prime.

• To keep caring about the second season of True Detective. "But, really, is that Rose from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead?" she keeps thinking. It's tedious on a puppy brain.

Keep doing you, fluffy baby. Don't let 'Fleck dull your shine. Or make your paws touch the ground.




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GUUUUUURL(s) Of The Day: Brendan Fraser And Martha Stewart Went Horseback Riding

Brendan Fraser came riding with me and muffin and betsy on sat . his horse freckles is the same horse he rides in Texas rising his new program on history channel

A photo posted by Martha Stewart (@marthastewart48) on Jun 28, 2015 at 4:22pm PDT

In "Okay." news of the day, Martha Stewart shared with our pleb-y eyes that she and throwback dream dude Brendan Fraser went horseback riding together on horses with hair that's way more fancy than ours. Sounds...fun? Let's see what Brendan's horse thinks about this hodgepodge hangout.

I'm reading this as: luxurious and hating it.

We also gleaned from Martha's weirdly punctuated post that BF has a new show on the History Channel called "Texas rising," but probably "Texas Rising." Because I'm a professional (DON'T), I researched this show, and here is what B-boy's character looks like.

Brendan Fraser better get nominated for an Oscar. #TexasRising pic.twitter.com/c11tARay8t

— Andrew Laureno (@LaurenoClassic) May 26, 2015

Uhhhh...What?

GUUUUUURL.


story via buzzfeed



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(Possible) GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Jamie Dornan's Facial Hair Situation

MET JAMIE DORNAN

A photo posted by Mehra Amiri (@mehraelle) on Apr 25, 2015 at 5:58am PDT

Hey, remember when I actually did shit like GUUUUUURL Of The Day on the regular? I barely do, too. Sorry for being an XXL POS. I'll send you an Edible Arrangement. (No, I won't, and you know it.)

I had to bring this mess back because we really need to talk about the sexual being that is Jamie Dornan and the possibly non-sexual accoutrement that's happening on his face. Maybe we should have a look from a different angle? Maybe that will somehow switch it from patchy and mustache-y to grown and sexy?

"Mr. Grey will see you now" Jamie Dornan is a sweetie 💙 xx

A photo posted by Tequin Greaver (@tequingreaver_) on Apr 25, 2015 at 6:02am PDT

Erm, okay. Listen, I'll take JD any ol' way (except as Christian Grey -- ick, nast), but this is making me feel nothing in my bathing suit area. Nothing.

Let's discuss. Am I going through a metamorphosis that's rendering me a dried-up prude? Or is this just decidedly in the "not cute" column? Help.

via buzzfeed




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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Topless Fire Bro

There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.

Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.

via realitytvgifs

Sorry, dudes. This b-hole ruined it for everyone. This is why you can't have nice things.


via buzzfeed

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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Katy Perry's Craft Store Grill

This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.

Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.

via realitytvgifs

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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Paris Hilton's Fetus-Sized Crop Top

via pp face's instagram

Haven't you guys missed P Hilly so much? Of course not, but didn't you almost forget about her ass? Still no? Sorry. I usually treat Paris like I treat my need to go to the gym (pretend it's not there), but when homegirl shows up at a fashion show in a top from the new "Slutty Toddler B*ches Collection" she just started, you can't ignore it. Eff, I probably just gave her a new idea for a clothing line.

I'll be honest -- I really can't fault this b TOO MUCH, because I used to buy Old Navy terry cloth toddler shirts and wear them as crop tops. They were, like, a 4T. In my defense, it was the early 00s. Everything was super-disgusting back then. At least I was.

i miss myspace.

Speaking of the Hilts, I have a little bit of a backstory with her. When I was in Las Vegas one weekend, back in the Hilton sister heyday, I couldn't stop running into Paris' ass. I first saw her in Bebe (SHUT UP, IT WAS 2007), where her bodyguard handed my cousin and me signed postcard-sized head shots of PH, because we were standing within a 10 foot radius of her in her sweatpants, I guess. I then saw her later that night at a club, where she awkwardly danced in the elevated VIP section next to LL Cool J. By the time I saw PP and Nicky walking though the casino carrying cats in their arms the next day like queens of damn Sheba, I was done with that sh*t. I have enough Paris Hilton anecdotal stories to last a f*cking lifetime, thank you very much. It's still too soon for me to see her face.

And really, after writing all of this, I'm starting to question my life choices.

I need a drink. Thanks, Paris.



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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Trojan Condoms' Commercial Is Letting Us Know That Old People Are Doing It

Haven't felt like you wanted to vomit nearly enough today? This should solve that.



Well, my uterus just shriveled up and died like a Craisin, so there's that. My brain knows, deep in its recesses, that oldies occasionally get freaky. But, my eyeballs and ear holes don't need that data.

via realitytvgifs

Thanks, Trojan. I'm barren.






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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Will Smith, For Having a Chico's Kind Of Day At A Grammys After-Party

While skimming this article over at BuzzFeed, I came across this photo of Will Smith at a Grammys after-party:

pic via buzzfeed

What. The. Eff. Is. Happening. Here? This looks just like an outfit that your Auntie Paula, who is a middle school receptionist with this haircut, would wear with some kicky clogs to work because, TGIF. Or maybe an ensemble a woman who is going on a first date post-divorce with a nice manager of a local Honda dealership that she met on Plenty of Fish would put together. This is not an outfit that a man wears to A GRAMMY EFFING PARTY.

Stella needs to get her groove back.





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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Vagina Armpits, As Brought To The Forefront By Jennifer Lawrence

I have a long and sordid history with vag 'pits. I lived through the early-to-mid 2000s, when you couldn't walk to the f*cking mailbox without wearing a tube top, so, of course, this is very familiar territory for me. So. Many. Skin. Folds. And thanks to J Law's unfiltered ass at the SAG Awards the other night, it looks as if all of our armpit afflictions might have a new celebrity spokesperson.

via people

I don't know if the general population has been calling excess armpit fat/skin/whatever that sh*t is by this name, or if it's just an underground movement, but I'm glad it's all out in the open. Thanks, Jennifer, once again you've saved us all with your limitless bravery.

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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Kris Jenner, For Ruining One Of My Favorite Songs Of All Time

My fave new rap group @nicolerichie @KrisJenner

Jan 15, 2014| Source: Keek.com

Mother of a b, Kris Jenner, is nothing sacred in this world? Never mind, I think that we already know your answer to that sh*t. Even Nicole Richie's presence in this video couldn't elevate it beyond terrible-to-quite-terrible levels, because Kris Jenner is attempting to rap one of the greatest songs of all historical times and completely effs it up. Salt-N-Pepa's "Shoop" is pretty much a hymn for me, and now it's ALL JUST RUINED!

I have a rich, deep history with this song, so spin it for me one more time, Spinderella, and it goes like this: When I was in middle school, I had the CD/cassette of "Shoop," and I listened to it every damn day on my Disc/Walkman (I can't remember which of these this was...it was the early 90s) as I rode the bus on the way to school. I then started writing the lyrics to the song so I could memorize them, which I did, and I STILL KNOW ALL OF THEM TO THIS DAY. So, the moral of the story? Kris Jenner just ruined my childhood. Thanks a bunch.

No, seriously, I bought some chips today and I can't stop thinking about them. I'm going to shove all of them into my mouth hole.





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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Unicorn Anthem Of Our Lives

Remember when I used to do that whole 'GUUUUUURL of the Day' deal? Yeah, I should probably get my sh*t together and actually try to do things that I'm supposed to do more often. Just like my middle school guidance counselor said, I should really apply myself more.

So in the spirit of getting back on (off?) the wagon, here's a video from yesteryear (2008) that I am just now discovering, even though I have a full subscription to every unicorn-related newsletter from here to eternity. I must have been too busy vajazzling in '08, causing this gem (zing!) to slip though my grubby paws.



I don't know who this delightfully bowl-cutted young man is, but I want in on this Unicorn Kingdom Club. Move, Miss Emily, get out the way. "Just close your eyes and grab onto the horn, " is a motto I can totally get behind.

video via reddit


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Miley's Thirsty Ass Eyebrow Situation

Listen, I know that my slacking ass hasn't had a GOTD in roughly 3948753487 days, but times are tough, and whatnot. But after peeping the scene that is Mi Cy's current brow landscape, I couldn't let that sh*t slide.

via lily allen's ig

I don't really quite understand exactly WHAT IS HAPPENING where her eyebrows should be, but I do know that these are dire and desperate moments in brow history.

It looks to be a supreme bleach job, but I'm really hoping against all hopes that is all some kind of makeup tom foolery. Miley, I know that you are expressing your expression-y expressions of being young, wild and free, but SONOFAB*TCH, think of the children ('s eyeballs that have to see your eyebrow insanity). If this starts to become a thing, I will lose my mf-ing mind, and apparently my brow area.

I know you're just being Miley, but this thoroughly confusing eyebrow conundrum of epic proportions has earned your place as GUUUUUURL of the Day.

P.S. If Brit Brit is throwing you eyebrow shade, you know that that ish is out of control.





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GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Highly Refined and Sophisticated (NO.) Boy Band Video

Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:

• Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
• Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
• Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
• LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
• Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
• Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
• Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
• Sh*t ton of track pants -- CHECK
• Upper arm bandana -- CHIGITY CHECK
• Bulletproof vest/life jacket hybrid apparel -- CHECK
• Kid wearing a furry pimp hat -- CHECK
• Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
• Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
• Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK

These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.

Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)

Yes. Bye, b*tch.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Non-Elegance That Is "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls."

I was watching Snapped last night, which is surprisingly boring for a show about murder, when I realized how much I really, really hate something.

This is a screen shot of the opening of the show, and there's my annoying nemesis -- "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls." I've always been confounded and irritated by the painted nails/multi strands of pearls deal, stemming from my mid-90's, teen talon (long-as-hell, chocolate brown, acrylic nails) days, when posters of this mess was plastered up everywhere and in every damn nail salon.

ugh. like i'm going to pay for this crap.

ohhhh. so glamourous and edgy.

bigger balls.

Listen b's, don't sue me for using these pictures. I'VE GOT TO DEMONSTRATE SH*T. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to feel when I look at this crap. Understated elegance? A reminder that I hate french manicures? Rich b*tches love clutching all of their pearl strands at once?

I give up on looking at things with my eyes.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Whatever the Hell Kind of Effery This B is Pulling

Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.



Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.

Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Hot B*tch That Sings the Theme to The Neverending Story

I feel like a piece of sh*t, you guys. The Neverending Story is one of my down ass b movies. I totally love that crap, and have been searching for a headband like the damn Childlike Empress for my entire adult life. Now that I have actually written that, it seems a little odd, but I don't give an eff. That thing is amazing, and needs to be replicated on my head. So the fact that I have never seen the music video that accompanies the NES theme song is banana pancakes.

HOW HAVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS?!? I seriously thought this sh*t was a joke video that homeboy made at a state fair, where you can record fake music videos. But this is real, man. THAT HAIR EXISTED ON A REAL HUMAN'S HEAD. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll, and a lot a bit third grade boy. And if that's your singing face all the time, Imma need you to stop singing. It's frightening. And porn-y. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my brain area. I can appreciate the fact that you're giving me full-on FACE, but I can't handle it.

Nope. Not today, sir. Not today.




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