Miley Cyrus' New Music Video Is Grossing Me The Eff Out

Miley, what's good? Not this.

I don't even really HATE hate the song -- I can deal-ish with it. What I can't handle is the actual visuals of the video, where Destiny Hope Cyrus dumps a bunch of different shit all over her face and then spits it out. Sometimes it's in slo-mo, sometimes it reversed, but it's gross all the ways.

I don't want to see your tonsils, homie. With or without milk coating them.

 
And is glitter even safe to have all up in your mouth like that? I can't think about it anymore. I'm getting nauseated and I need a major palate cleanser.

Okay, that should be sufficient. Sweet dreams.




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Miley Cyrus Seriously Has Zero Effs Left To Give

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:13am PST

If you thought that Miley had hit the epitome of the least amount of effs to give before, you were wrong. Oh so wrong. And here's your concrete proof.

Homie performed the other night in Miami at Art Basel, and this is the ode-to-Cher's-If-I-Could-Turn-Back-Time-video outfit she wore. Well, part of it. There were some semi outfit changes.

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:23am PST

There was the addition of this appendage.

You know the nights been a good one when you stole a shirt from a stripper

Une photo publiée par Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) le Déc. 12, 2014 at 3:23 PST

Then a gifted stripper shirt for her bathroom ensemble.

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Dec 12, 2014 at 1:46pm PST

And she finally just gave up on all the tops and wore disco ball pasties. You know, when in Rome, and all.

I have to hand it to Miley. She does whatever the shit she feels like, and doesn't feel the need to apologize for it. Do your thing, butterbean.

But if you feel like your eyeballs now need a little refreshing cleanse after all of those nearly-nude hijinks, here are some sibling beagles playing with a toy snake. Happy Friday in this beyotch!




vid via tastefully offensive Pin It

Miley Cyrus Show's Off Fall's Biggest Trends: Ice Cream Nips And Pill Glasses

pic via miley's instagram

"Oh, hey, guys. I don't really get why everybody is all up on me about being over the top, and shit. I'm just being Miley. HAHAHHA. Remember that? But f'real, what's the big ol' deal about letting your boobs free? And wearing DIY pill googles? At night? And having a worrisome glitter-rash? Pshhaw, get a life, y'all. IT AIN'T NO THING." - Miley***

***Not a direct MiCy quote, so don't be pinning that crap to your inspirational Pinterest board (bored?), or whatever.

Listen, I actually can't find any effs to rub together that Miley is running around sans turtleneck. Or even dickie. Whatever. If you want to wear food-centric pasties until your nips quit that bitch, I really don't care. It's your silly-ass life.

But when homie posted this picture, I really COULD NOT cosign on the outlandish behavior.

via instagram

In case you have a case of the I-can't-see-upside-downs, it says "Punk's Not Dead" with a picture of Britney Spears shaving her head.

I WILL HIDE YOUR ARTS AND CRAFTS SUPPLIES. Do not mess with my Brit Brit. Meanwhile...



Brit's killing us softly with ankle socks.

 

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I Can't Even Think Of A Witty Headline, Because Miley Cyrus Has A Bowl Cut

To be honest, I don't even know what to say here, except that Mi Cy must be really trying to out-do her dad in the haircut department. If that's the case, homegirl is killing it. Trust me, I know that your 20s are a huge time of experimentation and finding yourself and all of that effery, but GD-it, this is one step over the line sweet Jesus.

pics via huffington post

Miley looks like she just was just rejected from guest starring on the OG version of 90210 as a new Beverly Hills High rabble rouser that's trying to get Donna to "do" pot. Or Kelly's sister that was given up for adoption, and is now back to try to take over her life and sleep with Dylan.

Miley, listen to Brenda, and get the eff out of here with that hair. You can come back when you want to be serious.






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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Miley's Thirsty Ass Eyebrow Situation

Listen, I know that my slacking ass hasn't had a GOTD in roughly 3948753487 days, but times are tough, and whatnot. But after peeping the scene that is Mi Cy's current brow landscape, I couldn't let that sh*t slide.

via lily allen's ig

I don't really quite understand exactly WHAT IS HAPPENING where her eyebrows should be, but I do know that these are dire and desperate moments in brow history.

It looks to be a supreme bleach job, but I'm really hoping against all hopes that is all some kind of makeup tom foolery. Miley, I know that you are expressing your expression-y expressions of being young, wild and free, but SONOFAB*TCH, think of the children ('s eyeballs that have to see your eyebrow insanity). If this starts to become a thing, I will lose my mf-ing mind, and apparently my brow area.

I know you're just being Miley, but this thoroughly confusing eyebrow conundrum of epic proportions has earned your place as GUUUUUURL of the Day.

P.S. If Brit Brit is throwing you eyebrow shade, you know that that ish is out of control.





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6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.

via yandy.com (obvs)

You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.






 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.

via halloweencostumes.com

I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

via yandy.com

WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.

via buycostumes.com

I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.

via buycostumes.com

WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.

via forplaycatalog.com

Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.

Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.


#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.

via lookhuman.com

NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.

What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.



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SONOFAB*TCH, Miley Cyrus, This Time You've Gone Too Far.

There's a line that just can't be crossed in life, you guys. I semi-defended My Cy after the VMAs when everyone was giving her sh*t, because she's a young buck and we've all been there. But her latest nonsensery HAS GONE TOO DAMN FAR.

E Online has some quotes from Miley's Rolling Stone interview, in which SHE TALKED MAD SH*T ABOUT BREAKING BAD, the best show that has ever graced eyeballs in eyeball history.

Listen to this crap:

"Breaking Bad I just got into, but I haven't been able to keep up with it as much. There's just a lot of him coughing. I'm in the first season, and the coughing is driving me crazy."

"Like, we get it. You're dying. Do you really need a whole two-minute scene of another cough attack? It's too much. In every bad situation, how does he get out? He just starts coughing."

Ummmm, what? Listen, Miley, homeboy('s character) HAS CANCER. I'm sorry that his coughing is too offensive to your sensitive eardrums. That sh*t is straight rude. Get it together, boo.

See if I ever give you a hall pass for acting a trash bag again. Walter White 4 EVA, mofo.




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Have You Guys Heard? Miley Cyrus Works Out.

I must start this out by saying that I follow ol' MC (no, not Mariah Carey) on Twitter. I know, there is no good reason for a damn 31 year old woman to follow Miley Cyrus, but here we are. I have noticed a trend with Miley over the past couple of weeks. B LOVES to show a belly-showing self photo on the Twitter. Don't believe me?

Okay, honey boo boo. OH-KAY. Yoooooou (Soulja Boy, Tell 'Em) look good. You been pilates-ing more than Joseph Pilates could ever even imagine in his wildest dreams, during an amazing night's sleep after reading Good Night Moon or even a Berenstain Bears book on working out. We gots it. But you know who has two thumbs and can't even judge yo' ass? This guy.

See? I totally  win the douche award from at least '99-'01, and possibly even currently. Please believe if Twitter (or even Myspace) were around in the late 90's/early 00's, my everything would probably be all over everything. Praise baby Jesus that I'm an old ass b.

pic via buzz feed

So go 'head Miley. You do you.


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Listen.

Pic via Huffington Post

I like this mess, because it looks like it's straight outta Compton Contempo Casuals circa 1998. That was my mother effin' heyday, so you know how you get stuck in that ish. Good job, Miley. You are super reppin' the late 90's like a serious boss.


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