BREAKING NEWS: Britney Wears A Crop Top, Looks Like An Angel

She wouldn't be @britneyspears if she didn't wear a crop top to her son's soccer game. http://t.co/NwatMeDGUi pic.twitter.com/r9JBzSJaoB
— Yahoo Celebrity (@YahooCelebrity) March 16, 2015

Okay, so "breaking news" might be a bit of a stretch. This was a week ago, but have you met me? I'm the worst and also roughly 0.002% timely. But maybe you find it charming? (Insert that closed-eyed emoji thing. What is that thing supposed to rep, shame? It's what my dog does when she's embarrassed as f about pooping in the house, then just keeps pooping in the house, so I'll go with shame.)

Anyway, here's Britney Spears, warming all of our disgusting hearts with the warm sunshine of her awkwardly-cuffed jeans. If you don't love this woman after seeing her traipse around a GD soccer field with the plebs wearing probable Candie's™ wedges and sipping on a red Gatorade, then I don't even have words for your face anymore.

If you can't recognize a heavenly being walking among us like a damn episode of Touched by an Angel, then I must bid you good day, sir.

P.S. I was looking for a gif to insert here, as I am wont to due, when I came across this:

And I was all, "I love that. It's like I made it...myself. Oh, shit. I made that. Myself." Aaaaaaaand scene. Good day. I need some wine.







Pin It

10 Times When We Were All A Miranda Hobbes

Remember when everyone and their Aunt Susan were wearing MF-ing "I'm a Carrie" baby tees during the height of Sex and the City's popularity? That was annoying in itself, but I always felt like it was some straight bullshit that I never saw ONE PERSON repping Miranda's clique via t-shirt. I'm not even sure that shit was ever in production.

I could never understand why Miranda was so reviled by pretty much every human on Earth. Some people say she was a pessimistic rude ass, I say homegirl was realistic. But even if you fancied yourself a "Samantha" or even a "Charlotte," there were times that we all had a little Miranda in us. Like it or not (and I love it), we've all been about that Miranda Hobbes life at some point.

#1 -- When, in life, this was an actual outfit choice.

It's just one of them days that we all go through. Yet, Miranda looks jaunty as shit.

#2 -- When confronted with this:

And her only valid option was to do this: 

NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE. Eat your feelings and hide the evidence.

#3 -- When "exciting" stuff wasn't that exciting.

#4 -- When she just wanted eat her friggin' I'm-in-a-rut food without a Judgy McJudgesalot on her jock.

Can't a bitch just eat some cold noodles in peace?

#5 -- When she didn't feel the need to see any of her exes, like, EVER ever again.

Somebody's got to move out of town. I don't want to see you buying TylenolPM and clearance Herbal Essence shampoo at CVS.

#6 -- When she was compelled to eat trash cake.

Seriously, if you haven't eaten cake from the garbage, I don't even know you.

#7 -- When the father of her unborn child proposed to her with a second-hand ring, and she responded appropriately.

Which is with a solid, "What are you, fucking crazy?" obviously.

#8 -- Baby showers.

Nobody wants to guess candy bar poop.

#9 -- When hiding was easier that facing an awkward ass situation.

#10 -- When she was over it, and just had zero effs left to rub together.

We feel you, sister. Hardcore.

Deal with it, guys, we're a Miranda. Even though sometimes we're all pretty Stanford-y.

Pin It

Listen.

Pic via Huffington Post

I like this mess, because it looks like it's straight outta Compton Contempo Casuals circa 1998. That was my mother effin' heyday, so you know how you get stuck in that ish. Good job, Miley. You are super reppin' the late 90's like a serious boss.


Pin It

Breaking News: Britney Spears Looks Super Hot

Pic via Daily Mail

The worst kept secret in the world is my huge love for Mizzz Britney Spears. I love this b. Crazy, sane, Cheeto-stained fingers, mama no care. This is my homegirl for life. So I'm proud to say that my girl is looking guuuuuuurd thanks to the X Factor. I even have those shoes, but mine aren't YSL, they are, ahem, Baker's. Yep, Baker's.

You know if she was sitting at home she's be in frappuccino spotted sweats and a tank top, sans bra. (P.S. The girl are looking "freshened up," no?) So I'm excited for Brit Brit, even if I don't watch this show. I wish I could do a long ass soak off of those french manicured acrylics, but beggars can't be choosers.

Keep it going, honey boo boo!



Pin It

Sir...

Shall I call you Mr. DumDum? Your name is awesome. Thank you for coming on Judge Mathis and sharing it with us all.


Pin It

Reason #1987384 That You Hate Me

I effin' love Mob Wives. If you don't watch this hottest of a hot mess, you are so missing out. This Funny or Die video is pretty damn spot on. Especially Renee.

Mob Wives 2: The Christening from Sophia Bush

My favorite style icon from Mob Wives is hands down Big Ang. I'm seriously in love with this woman. She and I are kindred spirits. Leopard? Dark hair? Those lips?



Are you guys watching this ish? Let's talk about it.

P.S. Yes, that second Big Ang portrait tattoo is mine. Get off my jock.


Pin It

Lose the Scaly Skin: The Best Heavy Duty Body Moisturizers

I love a good greased-up appendage. (Not like that, sick brain!) I have always preferred a crazy, super-heavy, moisturizing body lotion/oil/greasy fun product. It's my mom's fault. When I was a kid, she was constantly slathering on her Nivea body lotion (not to mention tanning oil), and let me tell you, that b had the softest skin EVA! Over the years, I have developed my own beauty list of my favorites, and now I am here to share them with my homegirls!

First up is Nivea Creme. It is SER-I-OUS. I poo poo you not. I started using this mess in high school, so it's my O.G. (That's Original Gansta for you youngins.) jam. It makes your skin really shiny, which I really love! It's around $8 at your local general store. (Like the old west!)

Ugh, you guys. Cocoa butter isn't just for pregnant chicks' bellies anymore. I LOVE cocoa butter. Especially Palmer's. It's so rich and creamy and ridiculously moisturizing. And is SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE. Need I say more? CHOCOLATE! This badass b is around $5, and you can pretty much snag it anywhere. (I mean probably not Hot Topic or anything, but you get my point.)

P.S. Store it upside down so you can get it out more easily! See, I'm helpful!

Palmer's is the Thelma to my Louise, but I did find another cocoa butter that I'm kind of into. I was at Target, and I wanted some cocoa butter (shocker) and the Boot's Cocoa Butter Body Butter was on sale for $8.50 (It's usually $9.99) so I picked it up. Sadly, when I got it home and opened it, I saw that somebody had stuck their grubby little paws all up in my Kool Aid. There were finger drag marks galore. Gross. And I had already thrown out my receipt. What's a nasty girl to do? USE THAT ISH! And you know what? I don't regret it. My legs are so soft right now, that it's worth the risk of Scabies and Typhoid Fever (Oregon Trail style).

Now hang on a second. I know you're going to think that I'm crazy. I like to use coconut oil as a body lotion. Slightly unconventional? Maybe. But it worked so well as a hair mask that I thought I would try it as a moisturizer. I liked that ish! Yes, it's oily. But it absorbs into the skin after a couple of minute, so hang on hussy! You can buy coconut oil at specialty grocery and health food stores. It has a bajillion (I counted.) uses!

That's it my squishy, oiled-up minxes! Do you guys like to grease yourself up like you're about to jump into kiddie pool with another chick? Or are you more of a tame, lightly moisturized lady? Let's talk.


Pin It

Seriously, Don't Watch This. It's Terrible.

Pin It

This is Badassness

Check this ish out. On the boutique website Edgeofurge.com you can make your own feather earrings! Now before you're all, "B, that mess is over with. NEXT!" You can put a bunch of different stuff on them, including UNICORN HAIR. Sign me the eff up!

Here are just a few options you can add. A wolf head? A skull thingy? Go check out all the options.

 

The possibilities are endless! Ahhhhh! What do you guys think? Cute? Or hell to the naaw?

Pin It

Gaga's Expensive Ass Craziness for Barney's

Have you guys heard about Gaga's holiday line with Barney's? Of course all of the clothes, accessories, even food is crazy, ridic expensive. I saw a chocolate shoe that was $95 or something. What the what? No. But I did fall in love with these press-on nails.

I mean, how friggin' cool are these??? I will not be buying them, because they are $45 per set, but I do think that they are badass. I might attempt to emulate them by raiding a Michael's and gluing crap on some regular, old Lee Press On Nails. Too much? Nah, I'm gaudy trash.

What do you guys think? Are you into this? Or do you think they are too hot to handle; too cold to hold?

P.S. If you are a DGAF richie rich, you can buy the Gaga nails here.

Pin It

Be A Hot Dirty (I Mean Clean) Hippie

On a recent trip to my parents' house, I discovered a new hippie/fantastic beauty item. My stepsister is very organic/outdoorsy/vegan, and she had left some Dr. Bonner's Peppermint Magic Soap in the shower. My cousin used it, and started freaking out saying how great it was. I didn't get a chance to use it, but when I got back home I decided to get some and see what all of the fuss was about.

I got this huge bottle at Target for $16.99. I originally wanted to use it just as body wash, which I did, and it was awesome. It gives you a minty, clean feeling that makes you feel tingly (not in a gross way). Then, I decided to use it to clean my makeup brushes. Holy ish, you guys! Those b's were the cleanest they have ever been, for serious. At this point, I'm on a Dr. Bronner's Peppermint high! I need to keep going! That's when I came up with my masterpiece...

I mixed the Dr. Bronner's with Burt's Bees Citrus Facial Scrub and Obagi Foaming Gel. I know that this sounds like a crazy hippie/yuppie hybrid with an identity crisis, but I don't give an eff! My face has NEVER felt so soft. This morning, I used the Dr. Bronner's and the Obagi on my Clarisonic brush, and it was ahhhh-mazing, too. (Just watch out for your eyeballs!) I read that the peppermint version isn't good for the sensitive-skinned sisters, so keep that in mind. But they also have milder versions, like lavender.

You can also use this stuff for boring crap like cleaning your house, laundry, and hand soap. Blah, blah, blah. I don't care about any of that. All is know is I love this ish. Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Magic Soap FOR EVA!!!

Pin It

Are You Going to Try This Ish? Or am I Cray-Zay?

So I got brave today. I've been wanting to try the open-toed bootie/wedge/whatever the hell you wear on your feet and sock trend, but I've been scared. I decided to do it today. I was getting my beloved Russian mail order bride (rude) bangs cut, and I said, "Eff it. I'm wearing socks and wedges. Bite me, world!"

I'm into it, guys. I can't lie. I can't wait to try different socks, tights, hospital shoe covers, cotton balls, everything! What do you guys think? Are you willing to give this look a try? It's okay if you hate it. I won't judge you. (Yes, I totally will.) Speak yo' mind! (And the rest will follow...Shout out: En Vouge) Pin It

This. Is. Awesome.

Via WOW Report. Pin It

Oh, R. Simms!

All these other hoes need to sit the eff down. This b is the OG Stunt Queen. And I'm sorry, but I WISH I could rock a pair of hose like Richard Simmons. Those are some nice stems! (Stems credit: Cher Horowitz) Pin It

How to Smell Like Food

Not like a hot ham sandwich (which sounds delightful) or anything. Think sweet. If you are totally over vanilla, come on over to the cotton candy side of the sugar factory.

This is my down-ass b, Pink Sugar. It smells so good! The only downside is it make me hungrier than I already am (And girl, I'm houwngry!). Whenever I wear it, people ask who baked cookies. Yep, I like to smell like a baked good. Don't judge me.

If  you would also like to smell like you came straight off a carnie's cart, or fresh from the Walmart bakery (Who doesn't?!?!?) this little gem can be purchased here. Pin It

Time to Freshen That Mess Up!

Okay, I have not been overly barraged with Summer's Eve commercials (Although, I kind of have, and I give them snaps [shoutout Clueless] for the creativity. And spot buying power. Damn I see those b's a lot.). Anyway, this is not a post on your feminine hygiene. I don't know your life, maybe you have that on lock down; maybe you don't. So get your (my) mind out of the gutter (impossible) and let's talk about your hair.

Do you ever feel like your hair is just kind of...meh? Not that shiny, not very lively, not very Jhirmack bounce back beautiful hairy? So you use more conditioner and products, and you still have bad hair? You might need a little clarifying in your life. Using a clarifying shampoo can get rid of all of that stuff we use every day. Moroccan Oil, Biosilk, leave-in conditioner, whatever. Once again, I don't know your life.

 This is what I currently use. It's from Rusk, and it's pretty cheap ($10-$12) and you can buy it at CVS or wherever you choose to do your moderately low-rent beauty shopping. I use this stuff two to three times a week, but like I have said before, I am oily as hell. I also have super-fine hair. So that works for me. Whether I have platinum blonde, black, or somewhere in-between hair. But here's another little beauty factoid about me. I'm not scared, and I'm extreme. Just do what works for you and your hair type. 

If you're like, "But I dye my hair Rihanna cray cray red! Won't it fade my hair???" Yeah, probably. So if you're scared, or you have super fragile(istic) hair, consult a professional. Which I am not.

What do you guys think? Are you super clarifyers like me? Or do you like to let it marinate?
Pin It

Get My Sharpie.

 

Time for my dogs to up their eyebrow game. 

Edit: Crap. You can't use a hot phrase like "eyebrow game" twice. B's notice that.

via buzzfeed

Pin It

OH. MY.

Story on your boyfriend here. Pin It

I'm a Terrible Person

Let's just go into this knowing that, okay? So last night I was watching Intervention (Obvs.), and I became transfixed on something other than the standard craziness ensuing. I noticed something and it got my cray cray photographic memory working, and BAM here we are. Let us take a journey, because I believe a non-drug related intervention may be in need for some of these poor, unfortunate souls. (Shoutout to Ursula the sea witch!)

Pin It

Nail Art is the Shizz...And if You Don't Know, Now You Know!

In case you guys haven't had internet access or lost your spectacles or something for six months, nail art is super hot right now. I've been trying out a variety of craziness, and today is no different. Today's little summer camp arts and crafts project is ridiculously easy, too. Check out what I've been up to after the jump. (You know you want to see my hot ass mess.)


Pin It