Adele Makes A Really Hot Dude

Thank you for the birthday wishes I had a wonderful time! I was my hero x #gottahavefaith pic.twitter.com/FMSPQPUGMD

— Adele (@OfficialAdele) May 6, 2015

I have to say that Adele is really covering all of the hot-ass bases for me here. I already think that regular, ol' everyday Adele is a major sexpot, but she really upped the sexy ante by dressing in drag as George Michael for her birthday, seeing as I have a well-documented thing for GM. (P.S. Reading the comments on that video still brings me some strange sense of delight and wonder. People are effed in the brain.)

Also, how does a bitch get invited to an Adele birthday party, because I want in. I can dress as any dude you want me to, Addie. David Arquette in Scream? You got it, dude. Donald Trump? Begrudgingly, but, sure. Jordan Catalano? Obviously. Shit, I'll even dress up as Brain Brian Krakow, if it suits you. I WANT IN.

Plus, it sounds like a much better time than this dumb party:



 I just got a Drakkar Noir contact headache from that bullshit. THANKS, BIEBS. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT.






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My New Favorite Lip Homies

I have pretty major issues when it comes to hoarding lip stuff. I've got balms, glosses, lipsticks, chapsticks, not to mention other lip things that I'm not even sure what they do, stashed like friggin' contraband all around every area of my life. (I almost said every orifice, but no, that's too far. Even for me.)

But you know what I don't have? A MF-ing gangster lip serum. You know why? Because I've never heard of one. Not to mention one for an old and sad sack set of lips like mine. Enter Murad Rapid Collagen Infusion for Lips ($24), stage right.

Murad sent me these angel tears shoved sweetly into a plummy tube about a week ago, and I am hooked on this stuff. It gives your lips a plump and pillowy feel, but IT'S NOT THAT CHEAP-ASS STINGING TRICK. We're onto you, stingy lip shit. This is all about moisture and straight-up science. (I'm guessing.) This is what Murad says:

"Instantly smooths and hydrates for an ideal base under lipstick, gloss or balm. Simultaneously boosts micro-circulation for plumper, fuller lips while working over time to reduce the appearance of vertical lip lines and wrinkles" 

MICRO-CIRCULATION. That is more science-y than Mr. Wizard (RIP).

Another perfect usage of this serum (!!!) is as a base for matte lipsticks. It just erases any weird and unfortunate drying and discomfort issues that you might typically have with lip stuff that's on the matte-y end of the spectrum. Also, that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, and for that, I deeply apologize.

But it does bring me to my next current favorites, more ColourPop Lippie Stix.

I already bought a couple of the Lippie Stix a while ago, and I decided that I needed to get more, mostly because they're FIVE GD DOLLARS and I really love the formula. This time around, I decided to do the deed with Frida, Dalia and Cookie.

Lordt, do I love these Lippie Stix. They're just easy. You can use the edge of the stick as more of a lip-lining-tool-deal, and they aren't too big and cumbersome to work with, which is nice when you're using a bold/bright/whatever lip color. They're just an all-around damn delight.

So as long as these puppies are $5, I'll be like:

(But, only like five times, because times. Because it's only five dollar bills.)




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THE TRAILER FOR THE WHITNEY HOUSTON LIFETIME BIOPIC IS HERE

I was 100% fully prepared to hate on this Whitney biopic from Lifetime. This is a really tough story to tell, about one of America's vocal treasures, and it's not like that network has a stellar rep when it comes to their tell-all celebrity biopics. So I was expecting straight-up horrible shit before I watched this.

BUT I WAS WAY WRONG, MAN. This looks really pretty frickin' stellar. Here's why I think this biopic might actually really, really work.

#1 -- Angela Bassett is directing.

And if you don't know that Angela Bassett can do no wrong in my heart, now you know.

#2 -- Ms. Houston is being played by Yaya from America's Next Top Model. And that show is my shit, even though it's one of the most ridiculous things on earth. (I love you, TyTy.) But I don't think that Yaya going to butcher this thing, because this reads very Whitney to me.

#3 -- The wigs aren't horrible. Whitney went through many hair changes over the time that this movie covers, and I saw very few bad wigs with my eyeballs.

Bravo.

Now we'll all be waiting to exhale until the premiere of Whitney on Lifetime on January 17th. (Sorry, I had to.)









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Dammit, I'm Back On The Gloss

I've been on a major lipstick bender for the past few months. It's been a pretty ride-or-die matte lipstick moment in my life, really. Then all of that flew out the window when I got a box of samples from tarte, which included EIGHT SHADES of the LipSurgence lip gloss ($19). I peed my friggin' pants a little, then I fell in love.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

It was like lip gloss screamed, "I'm back, bitches!" in my heart. And it was like we had never parted. Like The Notebook or some shit.

tarte LipSurgence lip gloss in tipsy, $19

Is this too dramatic? Sorry. I've always been an over-actor. Bottom line, these homies are legit. They're super shiny, not sticky, are pretty long lasting (for a gloss), and come in a variety of cupcake-y colors. Here are the ones that I gave a whirl:

I arranged them in order of what I felt like I would wear most to least, but that's really a load of bullshit, because there was not one that I was all, "Ick, nast," about. And that's saying something, because I hate 99% of all things.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

But I would wear every single one of these puppy dogs in the drop of a dime piece, no questions asked. The colors are sheer, but still pigmented, and I think they would be gorgeous on a wide range of skin tones. EVERYONE WINS.

If you want to check them for yourself, see the full tarte LipSurgence cornucopia of offerings here.


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The 5 Best Places To Wear The Upcoming Lorde For MAC Cosmetics Collabo

face chart via nymag's the cut

Are the kids still saying "collabo?" Nope? Great. You might have heard that Lorde and MAC are releasing a limited-edition line of makeup, much like Rihanna and whoever else that I don't feel like googling, in the past. There aren't a ton of detail on what kind of products will be included, but I'm pretty sure that we can expect some kind of dark and lovely lipsticks that evoke feelings of witch covens and ripped fishnets from this shit. So, AKA, I can't wait. I'm also hoping from some dramatic brow realness from this line, but we'll see when it debuts June 5th.

In anticipation of this vampy-ass goodness, let's discuss the best places to don our Lorde-y faces while we roam this earth.

#1 -- A stiletto nail salon.

#2 -- A Stevie Nicks Dress Warehouse, if that existed.

#3 -- A Rebecca Gayheart hair flip off, also, if that existed.

#4 -- An AHS: Coven viewing party, obviously.

#5 -- To visit the Royals, or just Prince Sexy Pants Harry.

The best place to not wear your new high-end goth-esque face? A Taylor Swift tea party at her New England beach house.

 You know she'd be all, "OMG, you're so random. I can't even deal," and write a song called "Passive Aggressive Burgundy Lips" about you.

Are you guys into this makeup collaboration? Or will I be the only one dragging my old ass out to stock up on undead lady lipsticks?







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Ohhhh Sh*t. I've Got Some New Brow Business Up My Wizard's Sleeve.

I'm not shy about my eyebrow obsession. And for the past 9,384,032 years (I'm a vampire), I've used a brow pencil/powder/gel combo that is both fabulous and time-consuming as f*ck. But, as of last week, I MIGHT have found a product that combines all of those steps and still leaves my brows looking like a bad b*tch.

anastasia dipbrow promade in dark brown ($18 + free shipping)

Meet Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade. I kept hearing rumblings about this stuff on the interwebs, and after going to a Sephora and coming up empty handed, I just ordered that sh*t right from the Anastasia of Beverly Hills website.

It's very similar to a waterproof gel eyeliner (YOU CAN USE THIS TOM FOOLERY AS EYELINER), but also holds your brows in place like a hair pomade. It's perfect for annoyingly oily faces, like myself, or for peeps that live in a sweaty ass climate. Or for b*tches that like to have banging ass brows.

Using this stuff doesn't require a f*cking degree in aerospace, either. I went for a (kind of) natural look here, so if you want more definition on your peeps you can use more product. No biggie smalls.

For the first step, just draw a line using a thin, angled brush (a brush isn't included, so calm your tits) from the corner of your inner brow all the way to the tail, following your natural arch. In step two, follow along the top of the brow, starting a little ways back, if you want to keep it natural. If not, start at the front of that sh*t. I'm not the boss of you. For the final step, just fill in the entire eyebrow with what's left on the brush, following the direction of the hair growth. Done, b*tch. DONE.

Simple, right? So if you're into bitchin' brows with little to no hassle, ch-ch-check this pomade goodness here.



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Fun Times With The New Eddie Funkhouser Cosmetics Line. (See What I Did There?)

I really could write an entire post here about my high levels of jealousy that my last name isn't Funkhouser, but I'll save (most of) my neuroses for every other effing thing that I write. Eddie Funkhouser, who is badass/rocker-chic makeup artist dude, just came out with a new line of cosmetics. So, of course, I really wanted to try all that new new, and the nice EF peeps sent me some stuff to sample. Why anyone on this Earth indulges in my pleas and annoyances, I don't really know.

I first tried the Girls on Film Palette ($14.99), which is made up of non-blahsville colors like pink(ish) tones, blue and silver. They all blend pretty damn nicely, and are a welcome change from the neutral tones that I am always shoveling all over my eyeball lids.

Speaking of neutrals, OF COURSE I had to try the Utlimate Smoky Eye Palette ($14.99), too, because I'm a brat that just told you how much I love neutrals. Thanks for ignoring me. I really love this little angel of a compact, and I completely enjoy that a base/highlight eyeshadow shade is included, because it indulges my lazy lifestyle. I'm bout it, bout it when it comes to that easy life.

Speaking of neutrals (part deux), I also have a total lady boner when it comes to nude-y girl lip colors. For lipstick, I went for the Hyperreal Nourishing Lip Color in Innuendo ($11.99). It has an uber creamy (sorry, I'm disgusting myself with that word, but it's accurate) texture, and has the slightest pink touch to nude, to make sure you don't look like an undead person. It's pretty, pretty without being too princess-y.

The nude n' lovely gloss is the Hyperreal Hydrating Lip Gloss in Unapologetic ($10.99), and this beast has earned a permanent place in my purse. (It's a modern day tongue twister!) I'm a sucker ass sucker for a pink/nude gloss sans glittery goop, and this stuff is pretty killer.

via realitytvgifs

The best part of this line? It's affordable! So I can totally be a sucker for all this badassery, without having to actually sucker...never mind. Check out all of the Eddie Funkhouser fun for yourself here.




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My Latest Non-Beauty Tenderonis

I know that I'm usually up your asses with beauty this and beauty that, so today I'm taking a break from that sh*t and talking about my current ride-or-die b*tches of the non-beauty world.

Bkr Water Bottle in Bambi

bkr water bottle in bambi, $28

You guys, I am OBSESSED with this damn water bottle. When the bkr (pronounced like beaker) people sent me one of their water bottles, this one is called Bambi, I didn't think I'd give an eff about it. I have roughly 34543580 water bottles, and I usually feel a big ass "meh" about them. I MEAN IT'S A WATER BOTTLE FOR EFF'S SAKE.

 But there something about this one that makes me use it every day. Maybe it's the fact that the mouth part is small like a plastic water bottle. Or that water just tastes good as f*ck from glass. Or that it's small, so it's not heavy. I don't know. But I love it. Get off me. And people are always weirdly complementing me on it. So, if you like strangers giving you random complements, this is the bout it, bout it bottle for your ass. Check the full color selection here.

Urbanears Zinken Headphones in Olive

urbanears zinken in olive, $99.90

Holy sh*t, man. These headphones are the HBICs. I've been wanting to try some DJ-style headphones for a while, but I never got around to getting any. So, when the Urbanears peeps sent these to me, I pretty much lost my damn mind. There are some ridiculously badass features on these little puppies, like: a socket that allows another set of headphones to plug into for music sharing (if you actually happen to like other people), they're collapsible, and there's a cool little microphone/remote thingy that has a button that will pause your music and pick up calls when it's plugged into your phone.

Like I said -- f*cking awesome. Oh, and you really and truly can't hear ish when you've got them on. So, if you love ignoring b's (Who doesn't?!?), they're perfection. Check out all the colors and such here.

All Cat Errrythang

So, this one is a little random, but I CAN'T STOP BUYING SH*T WITH CATS ON IT.

I know, I'm a grown ass woman, and I have a child's cat phone case. With effing ears on it. Jesus take the wheel, because my ass can't stop. And, sadly, this is just a fraction of the cat bullsh*t that I have.

But, at least I'm in hot company, because Olivia Wilde is into "PAWS" shirts, too. So take that, mofos!



Sonofab*tch, I forgot how bad Take That was. Slow snaps in the rain all around. Ugh. I just hate watched all 3:59 of that mess.

P.S. If you ever find yourself caught in a super-sexual rain storm, TAKE OF YOUR FUR HAT WITH FLAPS. That sh*t makes no kind of damn sense.






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Adding Crack-y Fuel to My Crazy Addiction: Lip Chap Edition

This is usually how I feel in life, and there are deep roots to this issue --

NO, I don't have a drug addiction issue, I have a LIP PRODUCT ISSUE. See, I took Accutane for acne when I was 15 or 16, and it caused my lips to be so mother effing dry that they cracked and peeled all around my mouth. It was a sexy, sexy time, and I had to keep some kind of lip sh*t on my person at all times. So ever since then, I've been all...

YES, IT'S A FLAVOR OF LOVE 2 REFERENCE. GET ON BOARD.

To say that I've tried a trabajillion kinds of chapsticks, treatments, blams, blahhhhhs is (hardly) an exaggeration. And I have now added some beast level sh*t to my arsenal.

me & the girls mentha revive lip moisturizer lipstick topper and base, $7

Meet the Mentha Revive Lip Moisturizer Lipstick Topper and Base from me & the girls -- This. B*tch. I am in love with this w. With full disclosure, I haven't used it as a base or topper for lipstick, because I can't even make it there. I just want solo time with this stuff. It's like a hybrid Kenny G/Michael Bolton of mullets in the lip balm world; all smoothness, with business in the front and party in the back.

yeah, boo. it's that smooth.

Plus, it's good for your ass (not your ASS ass) and vegan. Check out more deets and get your own here, because I'm not sharing this lip chap with you b's. MY LIPS FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE BUTTER ON THEM, AND BUTTER IS DAMN DELICIOUS.

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Seriously, Guys. Make Me Stop This Sh*t.

I think I have a bad disease. In my brain area.

via bieb's instagram

I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.

I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.

P.S.

P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.

P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.




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Random Homie: Mariah Carey's OPI Stay the Night from INPINK

My hands look like they're made from glittery moon rock, you guys, and I mean that ish in the best way possible. The nice people over at INPINK sent me a sample of the highly anticipated (in my heart) OPI/Mariah Carey callabo polish, Stay the Night ($9) and also a sassy little pave bracelet ($20), which I have been wearing the eff out of.

Now let's talk the polish. It's a black, matte polish with a pink glitter in it. And the finish is called sand, which means it dries to a sandpaper-type finish. It's seriously unlike any other nail product I've used. It's like a pumice stone, but glittery as sh*t. (Is that THE WORST description, ever?) You just need two coats of polish to get this sweet ass finish, but don't use a top coat because it's meant to look like SAND, hello. And I feel like the wear of the polish will be really long, because I've been wearing it for three days, and don't really have any chips. That's pretty unheard of for me, because I am hard as hell on my nails. They are like my own ten personal swiss army knives...that are attached to my hand.

See? It's still looking damn good, people. I'm totally into it. It makes me feel like this:

via mrhankey

 I really recommend this ish, if nothing more than it's different than anything I've ever tried before. Go visit the INPINK site to see all of the Mariah Carey/OPI possibilities. Hellllllooooo, moon fingers!




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Get Out Your Pen and Paper -- Your Holiday Wish List Will Start Here.

You. Guys. There are collectable Jem and the Holograms dolls coming out! And look how badass they are. (Except for the fact that Jem is being assaulted by the doll stand. Yikes.) But besides that...

via mrhankey

And the Jem dolls don't stop there. You can also get boring ass Jerrica.

Or for the dude in your life, Rio. (Who is wearing pantent leather boat shoes.)

You can also get Synergy or "Classic" Jem (AKA pink pleather dress) if that's more your bag. If you are a rich b, you can see where to buy this mess here. By the way, these hoes are $125 each, so you might have to sell your vintage collection of The Babysitters Club to afford this. WWCD? (What would Claudia do? That was my b.)



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