Weird Makeup Inspo: Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

I recently bought the Are You Afraid of the Dark trilogy, because how could I not, and also...

Reading these books again really brought me back to being a weird kid, reenacting the stories in front of my Stepmom's video camera. Especially my literal ride-or-die (it's basically all horseback riding) story, "Cold as Clay."

In tribute, I did a non-scary eye look inspired by this two-paged tale of terror. Okay, terror is way too strong. Curiosity? Whatever, watch if you're into it.




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Bronzy Beauts: My Favorite Shimmery Neutral Shadows At Every Price

I love a bronze eye on basically every-damn-one. It's one of those pretty universally flattering shades, regardless of skin tone/hair/eye color/friggin' astrological sign/whatever. It's just a go-to deal for me -- if I find myself in one of those what-am-I-even-doing-with-a-face-today moods, I throw on a bronze-ish eyeshadow and move on to not caring about another topic.

Because I have really been on that bronze train for the long-haul, I've come across my fair share of great shadows. So here is a complete roundup of my favorites, with bonus picks, because I'm indecisive like woah.

The Super-Power (Susan) Powders

My pick for high-end shadow is probably the eyeshadow I use more than anything else on this silly ol' planet, and that is Smog from the OG Urban Decay Naked Palette ($54). You can also buy it solo ($18), if that tickles your fancy more specifically. The lighting on this picture is half-shitty, so just take my word for it when I tell you that Smog is bronze with a dash of olive. It's perfect, in my eyes. And on my eyes.

For a drugstore shadow, I've chosen the nameless bronze (it's the fourth one over on the top row) from the Maybelline The Nudes Palette ($10). The shade of this dude is very similar to Smog, and the texture is pretty solid. It's just a little less silky than some of the more expensive brands. For the price, I can totally live with it. I'm not THAT much of a princess. This is still good shit.

I also chose two runners-up for powder shadows, and it seems that both of these cats may or may not be discontinued.

Baroque from the Kat Von D True Romance Palette seems to be completely gone from the Sephora website (RIP), and the Revlon PhotoReady Graffiti shadows seem to be only available on Amazon. Well, a day late and a dollar short are kind of my life themes, so at least I'm consistent?

If you do seem to happen upon either of these shadows, they're both more of a "true bronze" than the other two. If that's a thing. 

 I Don't Think You're Ready For This Gel(y)

So, remember 3.6 seconds ago when everything was discontinued and I sucked? Apparently my selection for the best high-end gel shadow, the Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows, are also discontinued. MUFE sent me some of these gel shadow pencils a while back, AND I LOVE THEM. Looks like I'll be taking up hoarding.

Luckily, it looks like the Aqua Shadows have been replaced with the Aqua Matic ($21), and this Satiny Warm Brown shade looks really similar to the old-school #22E bronze baby. So I'm not THE WORST the worst. Just almost.

For a more affordable gel-ish option, I really can't get enough of ColourPop in Game Face ($5). It's the bronziest of the bronze, and has a liquid metal finish. It also costs less than a Venti large coffee from Starbucks. So pretty much "Gimme (Gimme) More" was written about these shadows. I need them all.

My honorable mention goes to Maybelline Color Tattoo in Bad to the Bronze ($6.99). This almost has more of a golden taupe hue, so it's a little cooler-toned. Color Tattoo shadows are really pretty badass, because they last FOREVER. Like, I had trouble washing the swatch off of my arm levels of forever. If you have trouble with your shadow lasting all day, this will change your damn life.

life-changing makeup moment

Okay, that's it. I've exhausted my bronze shadow files. If you have others that you think I need to try, let my ass know. I clearly can never have enough. And on that note...

BYE.




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My Three Favorite Mascaras Right This Minute

I'm a pretty fickle sister when it comes to mascara. I rarely am all, "Damn, I love this mofo!" But, I currently feel that way about THREE mascaras. Don't slut-shame me.

Watch and let me know if you feel the same. Or other ones I need to try. I'm always open to adding more to my repertoire. (I'm wiggling my eyebrows in a creepy way right now.)




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What's Up, Smashbox Master Class Palette III?

I was forced to shclep my lazy ass across town to the ol' Sephora today, because I was dangerously low on the love of my life, the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er. I've shoved 10 months of use in a six month expiration bag with that puppy, and it was way past friggin' time. Drier than a bone status.

While I was re-upping on my homie, OF COURSE my eyes had to wander over the rest of the store's offerings. What am I, a nun? While on this peruse-fest, my eyeballs fell upon a true beauty: the Smashbox Master Class Palette III -- Color & Contour. I really was in no mood to purchase this mofo. It's $65, and I'm not exactly at Scrooge McDuck-levels of wealth right now.

But when I cracked this b open, I knew I was sold. Guess I'll eat garbage the rest of the month. Whatever. The first thing that you see are several tutorial sheets on how to do a bunch of fun shit like contouring and specific fancy eyeball things. The back cover has blank face charts so you can create your own little makeup looks. So artsy! It's very fashion plates-y and exciting.

Then you get to the real good good. Try to contain your oooooh and ahhhhs. TRY, I SAY!

What really convinced be to get this thing was the wide variety of shades in shadows and the inclusion of not only three totally wearable blushes, but also completely matte versions of a countour color, bronzer and highlighter. It's pretty much as close to perfection as anything can get for my ass. And eyelids. And face parts.

 I decided to just play around a tiny bit with some of the brighter and more unique colors. I really like a solid 97% of the shadows, and I feel like it might make my mediocre ass branch out a little more and use more color on my eyes.

I also took a hot minute to throw some contour/highlight/blush-type characters on my mug. Everything blends really, really well, and I feel like it will work well for most skin tones. My very fair and deeper skinned peeps, you might want to check the palette in person to see if the countouring shades would work for you.

Overall, here's my justification for getting this b: if I'm paying $50-ish a palette for ten-ish shadows, why in effs sake would I not plop down 15 more clams for, like, four times as much shit? This is a no doy for me. Broke assness be damned.

If you want to see all the specifics on this baby, check it here.



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Makeup Quickie: Easy, Slightly Badass St. Patrick's Day Eye, Completely Sans Cheese

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is kind of one of the best makeup days o' the year, because you can pretty much get away with whatever the eff you feel like doing to your face. Glitter? Great. Neon green shit? Sure. A full-on gingery leprechaun beard made from dyed Barbie hair? As you wish, Princess Butercup.

But, if you're looking for something that's easy and has a slight edge, without screaming, "IN YO' FACE, SHAMROCK SHAKES," then follow me down this easy ass yellow brick road of St. Paddy's face fun. There are three easy steps to this eye, and then you can get on with the drinky drink times.

Step One: Line the bottom of your eye (waterline included) with a green eyeliner, swooping it up a little at the end.

Step Two: Top the line off with some green eyeshadow, and smudge it up a bit.

Step Three: Cat eye your ass off with some black liquid liner goodness on your upper lash line.

Done. Off you go to find the Mobile Leprechaun.

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I'll Pay For That: The 5 Beauty Products That I Straight Up Refuse To Live Without

It's no secret (or it shouldn't be if people are honest) that one of the boss b*tch things about blogging about beauty stuffs is that you get to try products and such for free a lot. I always tell your asses when this happens, and I only talk about sh*t that I legit like and would feel good about telling you to try. I would never suggest something that I think is actual sh*t, because I would feel like a big old bag o' asses doing that. I have sent many, many a email to peeps saying that I won't review/talk about their product because it didn't work for me, or I wouldn't use it on the reg.

That being said, I'm pretty comfortable with using a variety of products at any given time, and just snatching up whatever is in my beauty arsenal. There are a veritable sh*t-ton of shampoos, eyeliners, mascaras, lipsticks, blah, blah, blah, that are all perfectly great, and that I can use without issue and enjoy them all. But, there are a few beauty items that I just simply won't live my life without, and will find a way to own, always. You've probably heard me talk about most of these one billion times because, uh, I tell you everything. So, don't slap my face off or anything if some of this sounds redundant.

#1. Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde

Go ahead, release all of your "DUHHHHs" into the universe, because I'm always talking about these thangs. But when it comes to eyebrow pencils, I will never, ever, ever let these Maybelline Expert Eyes Brow Pencils in blonde go. And not in a half-assed, hold-on-for-14-more-seconds-Rose kind of way.

These mofos cost around $3, depending on where you buy your mess, but are worth even more to me than Brenda Walsh's b*tchiness. They have actual staying power, aren't waxy, and are a great ashy color that works for any brow color. (Ladies with darker skin tones, or want a bolder brow, top the pencil with a darker brow or matte eyeshadow color.)

#2. Latisse

Before I started using Latisse years ago, I was really scared to try it. I had seen a lot of people that had used it and had semi-crazy spider lashes, and it was just way too much for me. But here's the real deal -- when you first start using Latisse, you use it every night until you get to the lash length that you're all about. After that, you move on to the maintenance phase, which means you just use it a few times a week to keep your lashes that length. So you're in control of how crazy-lashed you look.

Another point of contention when it comes to Latisse? Sh*t's expensive, man. The regular retail price is $120 for a bottle that is supposed to last a month. (P.S. Look for Latisse deals in your local area, you can find it much, much cheaper.) In reality, a bottle typically lasts me at least six. I can stretch that sh*t to the max by the technique that I use to apply it. If you want to know how, email me. I won't post it on the interwebs because it's slightly shady when it comes to sterility and such, and I don't want erry'body getting pink eye. But the friend that taught me this application technique is a medical aesthetician, so it's not wildly inappropriate.

You can also buy a generic version of Latisse, called Careprost, to cut down on costs. I just ordered some online, and it costs about $35 after shipping, although it might be coming from Mars for legal reasons. I'm not going to post a link to purchase it, because it is a prescription product, and I'm no legal effin' eagle...

and I don't want to go to jail and sh*t for recommending something semi-illegal. It's probably not 100% legit, but I'm not sure. Google at your own risk.

#3. Beauty Blender

Because my skin is a big ol' pile of poo, covering imperfections with foundation/concealer ranks high on my list of beauty priorities. I don't really remember my life before using the Beauty Blender, but it was probably also a pile of poo. Okay, enough about poo.

If you aren't that familiar with this little pink egg, it's a reusable makeup sponge that you use while damp. It's kind of pricey (like $20 per sponge), but they really last forever if you wash it on the reg. I've tried other cheaper brands that are of a similar idea, but none stack up to this little b*tch. It applies foundations and concealers evenly, and prevents your makeup from looking cakey. This just generally prevents the look of hot messiness on your mug.

#4. Clarisonic Mia

Listen, I know that Clarisonic products aren't cheap. But I got my Mia as a gift from my mom over three years ago, and homie is still going strong, so it's not a bad investment for $100. The only differences in the MIA and the full-sized (AKA more expensive) Clarisonics are the lack of ability to change the brush speed and you can't use a body brush on the OG Mia. No biggie smalls.

There are drugstore brands of face brushes out there, but I have to admit that I've never used them. The big difference is that the drugstore brushes have spinning heads, while the Clarisonic uses sonic vibrations to cleanse the skin. If you want more science-y deets, you can read more here. All I know is that if I go on an absent-minded bender and forget to use this baby for a period of time my skin is like, "What the eff, guess I'll just break out even more now. You're welcome." My skin is an a-hole, part 40938.

#5. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion

Are you guys sick of me talking about PP yet? TOO BAD. I recommend this product to literally every single person I've ever talked to about makeup, both in real life and on the 'net. It makes your eyeshadow last all damn day, makes colors more vibrant, and doesn't allow those sneaky eyeshadow bastards to crease and get crazy.

Whenever I recommend Primer Potion I have people tell me that it's just too expensive for them, which I totally understand. Spending $20 on something that seems so unimportant in the scheme of things is tough to do. There are a couple of options on saving some dough on PP. You can always buy the travel size for $12. Because you use such a tiny amount, this baby-sized tube should still last you a really long time.

I also frequently find Primer Potion at places like Nordstrom Rack on discount, because Urban Decay changed the packaging a while back. So you can feel free to stock up on the old package types, and hoard the hell out of them. I SHALL NEVER RUN OUT. Muahahaha!

What beauty products do you guys refuse to live your lives without? Spill yo' sh*t!

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How To Get Yo' (Makeup-Wearing) Mug To Last All Day

There are few things worse than spending a big ol' chunk of time on your makeup, only to discover that it was all in vain by lunch, because that sh*t is fading like a mofo. Don't let yourself me the poster child for a sad sack of a made-up face, and check out how to keep your face on your face.

All Primed Ever-y-thang

Primer is super-important when it comes to making your 'face' last into eternity. It's like the foundation...to your foundation (ugh x2). I know I have told your asses two billion times before, but using Urban Decay's Eyeshadow Primer Potion (urban decay, $10-$20) is a game changer when it comes to your eye makeup. It makes that gross creasing sh*t a thing of the past, all while intensifying shadows and keeping all of your eye stuffs in check. Seriously, as long as I have two pennies to rug together I WILL BUY THIS SH*T.

As far a foundation primer goes, I have had some issues with those bad boys. The only primer I have ever found to not melt right off of my insanely oily face is this one from Murad. But if you're oily-faced and ballin' on a budget, I find that applying a little pressed powder to your face pre-liquid foundation really cuts down on shine and that b*tch of an oily/blotchy/muddy mess that tends to happen to the sebum-inflicted ladies.

If you are a normal-to-dry person, goody on you. You really have your pick of primers. It's a great way to get a smooth canvas before your foundation application train starts rolling. Just skip putting it on your eyelids -- that's just asking for more creases in your eyeshadow than A.C. Slater had in his pleated Z Cavariccis.

Set It Off

If I'm looking at a long-ass day ahead of me, I know that I will be finishing my face with a setting spray. It's like a hairspray for your face, without actually using hairspray on your face. My favorite setting spray is far and away Model in a Bottle ($18-$21). I've been using this good good for what feels like forever, and it's completely mandatory for me on special occasions/hot and humid/never-ending days. I've tried other brands, but they can all take a seat, because I love this sh*t.

Lips For Days

Long wear lipsticks have come a long ass mf-ing way, you guys. Gone are the days of the chunky, gross lips of yesteryear. And I have found a couple of truly ride-or-die, crazy long-lasting lipsticks that will last forever, ever.

Kat von D makes (made?) a great, lasting lip called Everlasting Love Liquid Lipstick (one pictured is Outlaw) that I CAN'T FIND ANY-DAMN-WHERE, except for on amazon for, like, $2.5 million dollars. Here's another kitty Kat lip that seems semi-similar, but let us all wish on a Magic 8 Ball that Sephora brings the OG back.

I was sampled the hot pink goodness above that is MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Rouge in Fuchsia (Sephora, $24) a while back, and it's still a staple for me when it comes to a statement lip.

The color is really intense, and it will last a looooong ass time, from A.M. coffee times to glass whatever-your-life-is-about of wine. Or until the cows come home. I don't know how you mark your time. But, if you yearn for a NeverEnding (lip) Story, this lipstick is the one for you.

Do you guys have any tips for a long-lating face game? Spill your secrets in the comments, or forever hold your peace and be selfish.




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Commit Assault And Battery On Your Under-Eye Assailants

There are very few things that can kill your "I'm looking pretty damn fine" swagger quicker than under-eye issues. That is, except maybe these pants that I just witnessed Tiffani (Amber, I refuse to stop saying this) Thiessen wearing on Lifetime Movie Network.

 

Oh, 1995 fashions, what a cruel mistress you were. Almost as hated as the bags, puffiness, dark circles, and a myriad of other drama-starters that were the original focus of this blog. There is not a perfect fix for any of these rude ass situations, unfortunately, but we can greatly improve upon them. Thank you, Yeezus. (He'll just take credit anyway.)

Get Your Natural Remedies On

I LIVE for a great DIY solution to beauty problems. Well, that and wine. And bacon. Luckily, there are a couple of boss b at-home remedies for under-eye circle/bag/puffiness that rivals the Stay Puft dude from Ghostbusters. The first one involves tea bags. Of the tea variety, only. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any kind of inappropriate anatomy joke with this, so shut your yam holes.

After you've brewed yourself a cup of delicious tea something, preferably a concoction with caffeine, like black or green, put the bags in the fridge to cool. You want caffeinated goodness because it helps to reduce puffiness and swelling. As in buh-bye baginess. The coldness from refrigeration also helps with this dreadful bag situation. Now all that remains to be done is to lie back with the bags on your eyes for ten minutes or so. HOLY TRASH BOX, THAT WAS SO HARD TO KEEP IT TOGETHER AND BE AN ACTUAL ADULT. So many dirty opportunities wasted. I hope you're happy, mom.

Fresh out of tea bags? (Not a word!) Cucumber slices are also a great option to de-puff. Same deal applies -- cold cucumber slices, putting them on your peepers for ten minutes. Your swollen soul-windows are on their way to being history.

Carrying a Conceal(er)ed Weapon

I'm pretty sure that a great concealer could be the eighth Wonder of the World, and I've been using this Koh Gen Do Liquid Treatment Concealer (Sephora, $48) on the daily from the moment they sent it to me. It's not super heavy, but it's moisturizing as a mofo. It also has great stuff like brightening properties and jojoba and shea butter. My photography skills are as lame as they get, so please ignore them, but this stuff is the new Supreme of my concealer coven.

No matter your concealer choice, the best way to blend away your under-eye shadows is with a firm (but also lenient) ring finger application. Pat the concealer on the area from the inner corner of your eye, while blending out and down toward your cheekbone. If you have really, really dark circles, use a concealer with a more yellow tone -- it cuts those hard-to-hide blue-ish hues more.

The (Eye) Cream Machine

Ugh, eye area, why must you be so delicate and crows' feet prone? And why do I have to be so into expensive sh*t? My favorite eye serum is Obagi's ELASTIderm Eye Complete Complex Serum (Skinstore, $93.60), because it doesn't make me breakout, and it's moisturizing without being heavy. But, it costs roughly three arms and seven legs, so I can only get this stuff on very rare occasions. 

A close second for me is Glytone Anti-Aging Eye Cream (Amazon, $29.83), which is more affordable and still has all those cat's pajama-esque ingredients like caffeine (remember that?) and vitamins, or whatever. Whatever you end up using, just use something. It'll keep your crinkly eye issues at bay for longer, so don't skip that mess.

This eye care stuff is serious business. Tread lightly.

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Fun Times With The New Eddie Funkhouser Cosmetics Line. (See What I Did There?)

I really could write an entire post here about my high levels of jealousy that my last name isn't Funkhouser, but I'll save (most of) my neuroses for every other effing thing that I write. Eddie Funkhouser, who is badass/rocker-chic makeup artist dude, just came out with a new line of cosmetics. So, of course, I really wanted to try all that new new, and the nice EF peeps sent me some stuff to sample. Why anyone on this Earth indulges in my pleas and annoyances, I don't really know.

I first tried the Girls on Film Palette ($14.99), which is made up of non-blahsville colors like pink(ish) tones, blue and silver. They all blend pretty damn nicely, and are a welcome change from the neutral tones that I am always shoveling all over my eyeball lids.

Speaking of neutrals, OF COURSE I had to try the Utlimate Smoky Eye Palette ($14.99), too, because I'm a brat that just told you how much I love neutrals. Thanks for ignoring me. I really love this little angel of a compact, and I completely enjoy that a base/highlight eyeshadow shade is included, because it indulges my lazy lifestyle. I'm bout it, bout it when it comes to that easy life.

Speaking of neutrals (part deux), I also have a total lady boner when it comes to nude-y girl lip colors. For lipstick, I went for the Hyperreal Nourishing Lip Color in Innuendo ($11.99). It has an uber creamy (sorry, I'm disgusting myself with that word, but it's accurate) texture, and has the slightest pink touch to nude, to make sure you don't look like an undead person. It's pretty, pretty without being too princess-y.

The nude n' lovely gloss is the Hyperreal Hydrating Lip Gloss in Unapologetic ($10.99), and this beast has earned a permanent place in my purse. (It's a modern day tongue twister!) I'm a sucker ass sucker for a pink/nude gloss sans glittery goop, and this stuff is pretty killer.

via realitytvgifs

The best part of this line? It's affordable! So I can totally be a sucker for all this badassery, without having to actually sucker...never mind. Check out all of the Eddie Funkhouser fun for yourself here.




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Get Yo' Fiery Eyes On With This "Catching Fire" Inspired Makeup Tutorial

If you feel like getting them eyeballs to "Catch Fire," watch the Hunger Games-inspired tutorial below.






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I've Been Hoarding an Awesome Eyeshadow Palette Like a Total B Face.

When I tell you guys that I'm the worst, I'm not just being hyperbolic. Like, I am literally the worst at all things. I've had a really badass eyeshadow palette for like two months, and using it on the reg, like almost every day, and I haven't said sh*t. And that's like my job(ish).

But, LOOK. I'm trying to fix it. So let me effin' do this already.

Smashbox's Photo Op Eyeshadow Palette in Softbox II, $39

When Smashbox sent me their Photo Op Palette in Softbox II a while back, I knew it would be my jam immediately. It's a great mix of matte shadows and shimmery ish, and it's neutral, so my old ass won't look like a damn tween. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a tween. Or a twink. I'm just jealous that I'm not either.)

Here's a sh*tty-ish up close look at the colors. I literally like them all, which is super rare for me when it comes to palettes. I'm usually meh-ing the f*ck out over at least a couple of them. In my "everyday eye" look I've got happening above, I'm using all of the shadows but juniper. I have bare as my base shadow/under the brow deal. I used truffle from the crease to the lash line, then sumatra under my eye and in the crease. I then blended it out a little with russet. I finished by using a little sandstorm in the inner corner and inner lid. It's a pretty natural look, and a touch smoky. But not in a too slutty for daytime kind of deal.

Bottom line -- bee's knees, cat's pajamas, giraffe's fishnet stockings, butterfly's fancy hat, this palette is the sh*t. You can ch-ch-check it out for your own damn self here.



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