Lazy Blogging: Read Something I Already Wrote

pic via allure

In the last few minutes of your holiday weekend, take a couple seconds to check out this post that I wrote for Allure, called "The Best Holiday-Movie Beauty Looks," about, well, the best holiday movie beauty looks. 

I was watching Love, Actually on Christmas and still couldn't get over the level of gorgeousness that Keira Knightley possesses. Life just isn't fair. Happy New Year.

See who else I included on the list here.

Pin It

Allure Insiders Get The Look: Throwback National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Makeup Tutorial

It's the holiday season, FOR REAL for real. I know this because I got all up on a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation hair and makeup tutorial this month for my Allure Insiders video. If you're into looking like a minx-y Beverly D'Angelo, watch away.

Now I have to go, because I have bought exactly ZERO gifts for ZERO people. Sorry I'm the worst, friends and family.



Pin It

Makeup Quickie: Easy, Slightly Badass St. Patrick's Day Eye, Completely Sans Cheese

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is kind of one of the best makeup days o' the year, because you can pretty much get away with whatever the eff you feel like doing to your face. Glitter? Great. Neon green shit? Sure. A full-on gingery leprechaun beard made from dyed Barbie hair? As you wish, Princess Butercup.

But, if you're looking for something that's easy and has a slight edge, without screaming, "IN YO' FACE, SHAMROCK SHAKES," then follow me down this easy ass yellow brick road of St. Paddy's face fun. There are three easy steps to this eye, and then you can get on with the drinky drink times.

Step One: Line the bottom of your eye (waterline included) with a green eyeliner, swooping it up a little at the end.

Step Two: Top the line off with some green eyeshadow, and smudge it up a bit.

Step Three: Cat eye your ass off with some black liquid liner goodness on your upper lash line.

Done. Off you go to find the Mobile Leprechaun.

Pin It

Drunk Blogging: Valentine's Day Is Dumb.

via realitytvgifs

I don't know why this day exists. I tried to wikipedia it, but I don't know what the eff 72% of those words mean. But you know what I do know? Valentine's Day is super dumb, you guys.

I'm old, boring as sh*t and married now, but I was once a young buck, and I've had kind of almost a million boyfriends. (#humblebrag)

Do you know how many Valentine's Days that I actually remember? ZERO. Okay, that's a semi-lie. I remember one. When I was 14 (don't worry, it's not about to get Chris Hansen-ish), I was "hanging out" lite with this guy. Like, we didn't even acknowledge each other at school because he was a Senior and I was a Freshman that looked like this kind of thing:

THIS IS REAL LIFE.

You get the idea. So, it's dummy dumb idiot Valentine's Day and I get off the bus and get to my house, and there's one of those gigantic, white-teddy-bears-holding-a-heart-or-some-bullsh*t sitting on my doorstep. And somehow (I guess he called me on my rotary home phone) I found out it was from hangout homeboy:

ACTUAL DUDE.

And that was the moment that I knew that this holiday is crazy. I don't need your overpriced bear, bro. We aren't on that level, and even if we were, that sh*t was probably $57 dollars at a mall kiosk. You ripped yourself a new a-hole. I don't like flowers (I like them growing in the ground), I don't like chocolate, and I don't like jewelry. Like, tell me you like me on a random Tuesday over some cheese sticks, or something.

Why reserve that stuff for one designated day of the year? Because you know what? I love your asses every day of the mf-ing year. If I could make it rain some champs and chocolate through via the internets every day all of your faces, I would. That's the real real.

Now back to regularly scheduled b*tchery. Are you guys into V Day? VD? Vampire Diaries? Tell me your stories.



Pin It

25 Things I Would Rather Do Than Partake In Black Friday

I just can't with Black Friday, you guys. Maybe it's because I've worked a lot of them. Maybe it's because I have internet access, a couch and zero effs to give. All I know is that THIS is not on my agenda in life.



I can't believe that no one scooped up that Sponge Bob onsie, yet.

So instead for being involved in that anarchy, I'm here, telling you the 25 things I would gladly do rather than be inside a retail establishment today.

1. Abstain from petting and/or looking at pictures of puppies all day.



2. Watch a Two And A Half Men marathon.
3. Not eat bacon.
4. Get a tight, tight spiral perm.

5. Re-paint an apartment that I'm vacating.
6. Diligently shop online for a 1987 Cathy Calendar. Ack, all the way around.

7. Touch a possum's (opossum if you're fancy) tail.
8.  Go on a "date" with Dustin Diamond.

9. Return something to Ikea.
10. Eat a sh*tload of canned English peas.
11. Listen to Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Women" on repeat.

12. Figure out what the eff that jelly sh*t is inside a fruit cake.
13. Read Yahoo Answers...answers.

14. Perfect the dark brown lip liner/frosted white lipstick combo look.
15. Have Glamour Shots taken with Richard Simmons.
16. Hang on a Teeters Hang Ups.
17. Hit up the Golden Corral chocolate fountain with Tonya Harding.

18. Put together an intricate, to-scale model of one of Beyoncé's summer homes.
19. Get into a twitter war with Tara Reid.
20. Make an ass ton of non-alcoholic Jello Jigglers.

21. Hang out at a Chess King with Stefan Urquelle.
22. Decorate oversized Hane's t-shirts with puffy-painted squiggly lines.
23. Churn butter.
24. Watch middle schoolers' YouTube videos.
25. This:

Pin It

Quick Sh*t: Happy Labor Day, B*tch.

via reddit

Sookie Stackhouse (street name Anna Paquin, if you're stupid Blah-ll) and I have the same affliction -- Bitchy Resting Face. People are always asking what the eff is wrong with me, and I'm all, "Ummm, what? I was thinking about kittens." It's hard out there for a b*tch (face).

Happy Labor Day, mofos.

Pin It

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone in the World's (But Honey Boo Boo's) Christmas Card

via buzzfeed

This is HBB's family Christmas card. Every other family in the universe needs to cancel their appointment at the Sears Portrait Studio, because that ish is a wrap. You can't compete with all of this, so best not even try. Even the baby is like, "Is this really my life?" Not one person in this family has control over their posing. What are these faces, family?!? Why is Pumpkin (I think. Or is that one Chubbs? The one in the back.) turned completely to the side like she doing her own damn glamour shot in a camo hoodie? And the front two sisters CANNOT work their angles anything like HBB. I really do think that Honey Boo Boo and I are totally in synch with each other. I don't know what that weird Shrek hair deal is happening on her head, but I would have LOVED that ish when I was a kid...Or now, whatever. Shine on. Do you.

via realitytvgifs

Pin It

The Creepiest Ass Toys From My Childhood.

Bah Humbug, b*tches. In the vein of me hating the holidays, I thought I would compile a list of the worst/creepiest toys that I can remember from childhood. I immediately thought of this first one, because it combines grossness with kids' annoying curiosity, leaving parents answering a ish load of awkward questions. (Well, not me. My mom bought me a book about sex when I was five. Yep, I was THAT kid. Explains a lot, doesn't it?)



I mean, in theory, I get this toy. Puppies are cute, and stuff. But pretty much performing c-sections on stuffed animals gets into extremely high creep levels for me. Not to mention, after you pull those little w's out the first time, isn't the point of the toy over? What do you do next? Fake wean them?



I actually had Teddy Ruxpin, so I can attest to the fact that homeboy was creepy. He blinked and crap, which I realize was CUTTING DAMN EDGE in '86, or whatever, but it was creepy. I'm also not crazy about the commercial. Kid is like borderline getting bullied by the class, and the toy is saving his ass and making him cool. Great.



I DID NOT HAVE EITHER OF THESE, praise the Lord. Because is anything weirder than a doll that is roughly your size and the basis of a horror movie? Terrifying. Why did toy companies do this to our child-sized asses?!? Plus, the jingle is super stalker-y. Gross.



Now this last one, I don't have any real complaints about. Except that her bright nonsense may keep your ass awake all night, and you'd be too tired to make paper mache balloons in art class the next day, or something. (Don't forget yo' smock!)  I can't remember if I had PJ Sparkles (Hot name, by the way.), or just coveted her, but a huge light up bow and a freakum dress that converts into an elegant ballgown with a tug of a hand? I'm sold.

What toys freaked you out when you guys were kids? And if you're like, "That Bratz doll that came out last year." I will straight slap you.



Pin It

Annnnd THIS is Why I Can't Deal With Holiday Foolery.

What the hell did I just watch? Why did this have to be filmed two hours from my house? What is happening with Travolta's hair helmet? Does he understand that 50 somethings (or anyone, really) shouldn't be wearing and utilizing chain wallets? Did the soldier guy even know the cop? What grade school Audio/Visual Club shot this video? Should someone tell those children to omit this tragedy from their resume? Since when is doing a jazz square repeatedly considered dancing?

I could ask these questions all damn day.

via logotv

Pin It

I Know I Said I Hate the Holidays...

But I really love Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is You." And this rendition with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots is pretty effin' awesome. Plus, the little girl with the glittery flower on her head is totally my soul sister. All the other kids are staring into the camera the whole time and she's like, "I'm just performing for myself. These other kids are so needy." Plus, there was this...

The side eye that she's giving this boy is awesome. She's all, "What the eff is this kid doing? Friggin' amateurs. What is this, a Barney table read? I've really got to talk to my agent about this mess." She is amazing.

And the fact that Mariah looks like she's wearing star pasties is definitely helping the situation. Faux dress pasties are always a plus in my book. Now let's reflect our younger years with the OG version.



Okay, holiday mode is off again, unless Ryan Gosling rides up to my house on a unicorn in a Santa suit...Side saddle style.



Pin It

Happy Mother's Day From C Stodd

Hot Stoddy, you are so thoughtful! A fishnet tube dress, mullet-ish hair, and boobies pushed up towards the heavens are just what moms want. I can't wait until her armband line comes out (you know it will). I will totally squeeze my stubby little b's into one.

Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Nice armoire. Too bad mine is cooler.

As if. I wish I had that mess. And a kid like Chip.




Pin It