On This Extremely Sad Day In Celebrity News, Courtney Stodden Is Our Rainbow

via stodd's instagram

You guys, I can't talk about the very sad thing that happened today. I tear up just thinking about it, even though this terrible thing happened to a person that I don't know. I just hate knowing that someone is in that dark of a place, stranger or not. So I want to take this moment to say that I love and completely treasure the handful of you that are reading this, and to squeeze your loved ones as much as possible.
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I had to draw a line there, because everything that follows just seems even more ridiculous considering the circumstances. So please forgive my horrible soul, but it's now back to doing stuff like talking about weens and posting ridiculous cat gifs.

Or more pointedly (Get it? Yes, I still spell out "boobs" on calculators.), the big news that the Jackie O and JFK of our times, Courtney Stodden and her estranged husband Doug Hutchison, are back together! And RE-ENGAGED! That's not a thing, but let's them have it.

via eonline

I mean, if these two authentic love birds can't fly off into the sunset together, what hope do we all have? It's like seeing the raw passion from every Danielle Steele novel in print encompassed in one photo. Avert your eyes, H8RZ. Cheers to love.





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Video(s) Of The Day: Courtney Stodden Shoving Marshmallows In Her Mouth & A Dash Of SJP

If you happen to follow me on Twitter, you might know that I've been re-watching the shit out of Sex and the City over the past week or so. Because of this, I've been doing stuff like googling whether or not Mr. Winkle is still alive. I NEED ANSWERS. During this SATC binge-related research, I came across this brand new video of Sarah Jessica Parker in "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," which has a terrible new intro song that I can't even deal with, so if you happen to watch it ignore that part. Side note -- why is SJP's hair always so GD fantastic?

Anyway, I wanted to do a post that included the SJP/Jerry Seinfeld video, but I couldn't get the thing to embed. Maybe I really am getting too old for this shit. So instead, I'm posting this Courtney Stodden video because I feel like I've been neglecting my Earth angel.



Apparently Court has a new YouTube "show" called Courtney Naturally (uh huh), where she just does a bunch of silly nonsense that somehow becomes sexual. WE GET IT, YOU'RE DOING PENIS HAND GESTURES. 

My favorite part of this whole thing is that when CS started talking, my sleeping (mostly deaf) dog woke up in a start like I had straight-up slapped her across her muzzle with a pair of brass knuckles. Her voice is apparently kryptonite to canine ear holes.

I missed you, Stodds. Enjoy!



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Call the Police! Courtney Stodden Has Brown Head Hairs!

via eonline

Who is this ravishing beaut that looks like she's attending an amateur wigs-that-look-like-a-hair-band-groupie competition??? It's my favorite fetal sex kitten, C. Stodd! She effed with our brains and switched up her hair game by deciding to become a brunette, with extra crimp, pimp. She's also letting her rack breathe and going boob commando. How exciting!

I have to admit, I'm really jealous of Stoddie's baby fawn legs. Mine are like two honey baked hams, so my eyeballs are full of envy and acrylic french tips. But really, this picture of CS is really giving me flavors of this:



If you're worried about the freighting crimp job/creepy colored contacts combo from above, fear not. Just like Doug McOldiepantswhatever, she's not married to that look. Zing! Here's Courtney at the grocery store, looking like a simple and understated lady.

via nydailynews

Nothing says "I'm just picking up a few bags of frozen vegetable medley" like a miniskirt with a zipper that goes all the way up!

via realitytvgifs

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Sh*t Courtney Stodden Can Do Now That She's Single

As you may have read in my C Stodd-themed fan fiction entitled, "Dourtney Does Dallas," Courtney Stodden and Doug Whatever (I can't be bothered to google) are getting divorced. While this is a huge hit to those that believe in fairy tale love stories, this opens up (heh) Stoddie to a whole new world (of weens) of experiences as a single homegirl. Here are a few things she can now try on her path to being forever alone.

Dance to "Single Ladies" at her high school friends' weddings. Boo boo is DAMN 19 YEARS OLD, so she has roughly 20 more years of attending friends/acquaintances/dude that works at the neighborhood gas station's weddings. Time to get the Beyoncé hand flip perfected, honey.



She and this baby are roughly the same age, so this seems like kismet. I smell a collabo!

Double date with Kris Jenner or whatever newly divorced Housewife of Somewhere. The Stodd-ster LOVES the media, so it seems like this sh*t would go hand in Sadsville hand. Is Taylor from RHOBH still single? Danielle Staub?

I know, I went too f*cking far when I brought up the likes of Danielle Staub.

Make even better music videos. Now that she's single, CD can focus on important sh*t, like making her top-notch music videos that feature things such as:

Sexy candy shots on a nightstand!

Pharaohs!

These things are all fantastic, but you should always strive for more, so I'm hoping that future Stodden-ton vids go more in this direction:


via reddit

So topical and accessorized, sprinkled with near nip slips and white pantyhose! I think we should all pitch in and get Court a gift certificate for keyboard lessons for her Divorce Party, that she's sure to throw herself.

Love is a lie. RIP.








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My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.

YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!



Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.

 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.



Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.

Nope.

And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?

I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.

And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail

C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.

Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.

Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.



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RuPaul Gives My B (Courtney Stodden) Some Effing Spot On Career Advice...In a Car.

You guys know my ass has feelings for C Stodd. I just can't quit her gold lame-covered ass, no matter how many battery pack-lit pairs of underwear homegirl puts on. But, I also love RuPaul, because he's everything I'm not and want to be -- a drag superstar, a badass b*tch, ridiculously cheek-boned, and tall as f*ck.

And after watching this video, I desperately need to ride around in RP's volvo and get some major life advice. Boo boo was on effin' point with that career bizznass for Stoddie. I need that sh*t.

If Ru ever comes out with a Oprah Life Class-esque deal, I'm there. My ass (and everything else) is a hot ass ham sandwich of a mess.

I know, I know. It's way too late for your asses to not judge me.


video via world of wonder






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Oh, Courtney Stodden. You Bring Rainbows to My Life.

Warning: C Stodd drops several effs in this video, so watch it with headphones, or something, if you are at work. Or turn it the hell up if you work somewhere that embraces yelling eff super loud. (Can you pick up an app for me if that's the case?)



Here's my favorite teenage dream, pretending to be her (Emo? Hipster? Rocker? Hot Topic employee?) sister, Courtland. She's been making these weird videos of her "sisters" lately, which I'm afraid is turning into some creepy role play game. Homegirl MIGHT need to pick up a couple of part-time shifts at Subway or something. She seems bored, and I'm concerned. And why 30 seconds of this video is spent in an "I'm giving birth" pose, I am not quite sure. But at least Stods has a sense of humor about her...life. Okay, now I feel sadness.

Okay, I'm good again. KOALAZZZ ROOL.



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Guess Who's Wearing Underwear That Require a Battery Pack?

pic via buzzfeed

Psshhhh. As if there was a question in your mind/heart/loins. It's my homegirl, C. Stodd, OBVIOUSLY. She chose this elegant ensemble (that's pronounced on-som-blay if you're fancy, like me and Stodd) for the release party of her new single, Reality. If you have a strong stomach and constitution, go over to Buzzfeed and see the pics of Hot Stoddy and her dad interacting. It's, errm, uncomfortable (un-comfor-ta-blay). And while you're into the whole clicking deal, please go watch Court's new music video for Reality over at eonline. Yep, that's exactly how I saw all of that playing out. Yeeeep.

Let's get a little good juju going (or eat some Jujubes, if you want) after all of that.



I think we all needed that.






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It's a National Holiday! (AKA It's Hot Stoddy's Birthday)

OMG, you guys. I felt like this day would never come. It's my soul sister, Courtney Stodden's, 18th Birthday! (Yes, in human years. Don't go there.) So she obvi talked to E! News about this monumental occasion, and here's what she got for her big day:

pic via eonline

It's an Italian Greyhound named...Dourtney. What? That's totally normal. I once had a dog that I somewhat ambiguously named Dannon, after myself, and then a yogurt company totally stole that ish from me. (Spoiler alert -- that never, ever happened.) Well if you're going to pick a name from singing the Name Game song about yourself, it really could be worse. At least it's not Fourtney. Or Mourtney.

So Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people in the world. I don't even know what my life would be like without you. Cue the playing of Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You. (No, don't.) Now that Hot Stoddy is 18, we can look forward to an ish-load more of this kind of thing:

pic via courtney's twitter

Yaaaaay...?



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The Day I Have Been Waiting for: My Beauty Interview With Hot Stoddy!

Pic via Courtney Stodden

If you guys have been reading this blog for any time at all, you know that I have a slight obsession with Courtney Stodden. And now that I have a tiny bit of street cred, you know that the first thing I wanted to do was try to get an interview with my favorite homegirl.

And she actually agreed. I know, right? So, I now present to you, a beauty interview with Courtney Stodden...

Q: Eeeek! I'm so excited to be interviewing you. I'm somewhat obsessed with you. But I'll try to keep it professional up in this piece. Do you have a number one favorite beauty product of all time?

A: The pleasure is all mine. My favorite beauty product would have to be my self tanning micro mist by Sun Laboratories. It gives you a beautiful sun-kissed glow, easy to use and best of all it's animal cruelty free which is extremely important to me.

 Blogger's Note: Um, who else has two thumbs and loves to self tan? (Spoiler alert: This girl!)

Q: It takes me roughly a million years to get ready every day. There are so many steps to being girly! You look like you like to get pretty glammed up on the regular. How long does it take you to get ready?

A: Depends what is on my agenda for the day. If I am just hanging around the house, not doing too much ... it takes me about a half an hour of time to shower. But, if there is a photo shoot that I need to be at or simply just going out for the evening, I'd say roughly around 2 1/2 hours.

Q: How about perfume? Do you have a favorite? Or  what do you like to smell like? (I like to smell like sugar cookies, like any normal, 31 year old woman.)

A: I'm in love with Pink Sugar perfume - smells just like candy. Just squirt yourself with some of that stuff and you'll have every guy wanting a taste, haha.

Blogger's Note: Pink Sugar is my favorite. I want to bathe in that mess.

Q: I'm always looking for a new shampoo and conditioner combo. Is there one that you just LOVE?

A: I am currently using Redken shampoo & conditioner for blondes. It does the job nicely.

Q: One final question: How many pairs of lucite heels do you have? Is it like one favorite pair? Or a million different ones? Oh, and is your foot better?

A: I couldn't have enough 8in heels in my closet! And yes, my foot is feeling much better ... thank you for asking! xo

Blogger's Note: I also am a fan of very high heels. I'm feeling a BFF vibe. Anyone else? No, just me?

Okay, I will go back to obsessing over the enigma that is C. Stodd from afar, and stop creeping her out.

Thanks so much to Courtney for allowing be to be weird with her!



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Happy Mother's Day From C Stodd

Hot Stoddy, you are so thoughtful! A fishnet tube dress, mullet-ish hair, and boobies pushed up towards the heavens are just what moms want. I can't wait until her armband line comes out (you know it will). I will totally squeeze my stubby little b's into one.

Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Nice armoire. Too bad mine is cooler.

As if. I wish I had that mess. And a kid like Chip.




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Another Day, Another C Stodd Post

In these new pics from Celebuzz, Hot Stoddy claims to go "makeup free" and pose in a bathtub. (But, no, seriously, America. This girl is UNDER 18. Where are you with your iced tea and cookies, Chris Hansen? Someone should be taking a seat.) Anyway, Court has never looked a) younger or b) prettier I can honestly say without a drop of snark.

BUT. BUT. BUT. Honey boo boo, you have makeup on. You are wearing roughly the same amount of makeup that an average (read: not a ridiculously over dramatic person like myself) woman would wear on a daily basis. I see foundation, brow pencil, mascara, and a little eyeshadow.

I applaud your understated look (minus the soapy tub shots), Courtney Stodden. But you can't play a player. I see you (and your makeup).



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I Know That I Said I Was Done...

Pic via Daily Mail

But I just can't quit my boo. The most disturbing thing about these pictures is that C Stodd isn't wearing shoes while riding her bike. Do you remember how badly that ish hurt when you were a kid? You thought you were going to be a bad ass and go (shoe) commando, but then you just cried like a b.

Go see the other pics at Daily Mail. It involves Court playing volleyball by herself. She's just normaling, you guys. It's not weird.





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Aaaaaand I'm Done.

I've had a slight obsession with Hot Stoddy for a while, but sadly it's been tapering off in the past few months. I don't think I can handle this b anymore. I love a hot, hot mess, but this ish is getting to insane levels of gross.

I can't watch this video without feeling like I am complicit in some kind of illegal something or other. And this isn't even close to being the worst.  C Stodd has a YouTube Channel featuring some full-fledged creepy ish. A video of her jumping rope in lingerie and a 'countdown' (Until her 18th Birthday, natch. Bleh.) video in which she moans (Literally.) about her foot hurting are some of the material included. It's all pretty nauseating.

So sorry, Courtney. I'm not going to use the old "It's not you, it's me" thing. It's you and your creepy deal. (Deal = Husband) I wish the best for you, and hope you get placed with a nice foster family soon. One that believes in wearing clothes.



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So Now We're Running In Stripper Heels?

 Photo via Radar Online

Actually the weirdest thing about this picture is not the fact that C Stodd is wearing lucite heels while jogging (Is it pronounced yaw-ging?), it's the fact that b now has a bodyguard. What in f's sake does she need security? Are those diamond-encrusted stripper shoes? B, please. And homeboy needs to go visit a Men's Warehouse, ASAP. That is an ill-fitting mess of a blazer if I have ever seen one.

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We've Been Waiting a Month for THIS?!?!

The Donny Clay Show with Courtney Stodden from Jason Alexander

I told you guys a while back that C Stodd was making a Funny or Die video. Weeeell, looky here. It sucks. And I really like Jason Alexander (not the Britney Spears ex-husband one). Remember when George Costanza blamed 'shrinkage'? Awesome. But this? No.

P.S. I'm holding myself back from making a "No soup for you!" reference, because I do have a modicum of dignity. (No I don't.)

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Stand By...

C. Stodd made a video for Funny or Die, which will be released on Thursday. AND it was directed by Seinfeld's Jason Alexander. Oooookay? I don't even know where to go from here. Stay tuned so we can talk ish on Thursday...

P.S. To tide you over, go check this out from Gallery of the Absurd.


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Now This B is Just Effing With Us.

Pic via Radar Online

You guys, try to hold back your jealousy. Just because the overly-aged alien that we call Hot Stoddy wore a prom dress to the mall yesterday, and you did not, is no reason to be mean to her! Although it does make sense. B got married to a dude the age of her Gramp Gramp before she was old enough to go to prom!  It's an "A-ha!" moment for us all.

P.S. In what world does that purse even come CLOSE to going with that dress? Oh yeah, in C Stodd's alien homeland.

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This B is Just Playing Us Now.

I know you like old dudes, Stoddy-kins, but you are just being off the mf'ing chain. Too. Much. (What's new?) Kisses!
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Just Call Her 'Princess Hot Stoddy'

Get More: Music Videos, Free Music Videos

Our (or my) favorite sweet angel talked with the Fab Life, whatever that is, about some mess the other day. Sexy stuff like: I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, clear bra straps (I wish.). I seriously have no idea what the hell she is talking about. Give us more crazy sexy face, Court! And feathers. More feathers!

P.S. I bet if she took that damn arm band off her ish would be green.


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