GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Burger King's "Black Whopper"

Burger King’s Halloween Whopper will be its first intentionally frightening burger http://t.co/dzELHy4X3r pic.twitter.com/2JtLRLklz3

— BGR.com (@BGR) September 21, 2015

I could be on an episode of "True Life: I Love Black EVERYTHING." Because my heart and soul are black as eff, and you know this, and I tend to think the darker the better (in all scenarios). So much so that my husband and I were watching some show on Discovery ID, like every second of every day in my life, and it was about some goth kids murdering someone. He was like, "I can't believe you weren't a goth." And I said, "It's too much work and feelings. Otherwise, I would have been." The point of that pretty pointless story is that I like black shit. A lot.

BUT THIS HALLOWEEN-Y "BLACK WHOPPER" LOOKS MF-ING GROSS. Why do I want to eat a black bun? How does that even make this a Halloween hamburger? Nary a candy corn or a snaggle-toothed pumpkin in sight.

How boring.

And ordinary.

And not even really trying.

Just pour some liquid smoke in a box and tell me it's a "Ghost Whopper." I'll respect that more.





via a hopefully inaccurate report from Business Insider



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Miley Cyrus' New Music Video Is Grossing Me The Eff Out

Miley, what's good? Not this.

I don't even really HATE hate the song -- I can deal-ish with it. What I can't handle is the actual visuals of the video, where Destiny Hope Cyrus dumps a bunch of different shit all over her face and then spits it out. Sometimes it's in slo-mo, sometimes it reversed, but it's gross all the ways.

I don't want to see your tonsils, homie. With or without milk coating them.

 
And is glitter even safe to have all up in your mouth like that? I can't think about it anymore. I'm getting nauseated and I need a major palate cleanser.

Okay, that should be sufficient. Sweet dreams.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Your New Workout Jam

WARNING: I'm pretty sure one of these dudes says the f-word a couple of times, but who can really tell in this life. Just maybe don't play this in the ball pit at McDonald's. Or maybe do. I don't really care.

The name of this song is "GYM" in Papyrus font, for starters. And, actually, this whole song and video are like the Papyrus font personified, so it's really quite fitting. If there is something for adults akin to a Girl Scout badge, I really think that I deserve one for making it through the song.

I really have a lot of questions here.

Do you believe this guy's guns are as hard as lead by using his home gym thingy next to the radiator? Did he say "pumping it till it aches?" Did he also say "I GO GYM ON THE REGS?" Around the 1:00 mark, is there another song playing? Do you like to stay "busting weights with your mates?" Don't answer that, because it's obviously a yes. What's a "pro-in" shake? Why is the glass shaped like that? Are all glasses in Europe shaped in such a way? Was he really running that fast? It seemed more speed walk-y to me, but maybe I'm a bad judge of speed. Where did that third guy come from? What's on that piece of copy paper taped to the wall with packing tape? Did the surprise dude say his muscles are "kind of coned?"

At this point in the video, I started to travel to an alternate universe where this video didn't even exist, and shitty workout equipment had never been invented, so I don't really know what happened after that.

I'm never playing another YouTube video again.

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All Of Our Nightmares Have Come True: Justin Bieber Is An Underwear Model

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:18pm PST

I'm not one of those crazy end-of-the-worlders, but it's the end of the world. I'm certain of this because the universe's most irritating infant, Justin Bieber, is showing off all of his cookies and milk as the newest Calvin Klein underwear model. And if that isn't the biggest sign of Earth's impending doom, I don't know what is.

If you don't feel like vom-ing enough, here's a little more fuel to your barf fire.

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:07pm PST

NOPE. Not today, Satan. Not today.

And now, because I've subjected you to the Bubonic Plague of things to see with eyeballs, here's some adorable salve.

It's so slippery, and his little hooves/paws/foot things can't even handle it! And neither can my heart. Goodbye.



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The WORST Back-To-School Commercial Your Eyes Have Ever Seen

I remember shopping for back-to-school shit being a stressful time. It was such a cluster eff of items to buy, and all you really gave two craps about was getting the best Lisa Frank folders. "So help me, if all of the damn unicorns folders are sold out and I'm stuck here looking at college rule composition notebooks..."

But one thing is for sure when it comes to this trying time of year -- if you need denim, at least four haircuts, backpacks, boots and pants, new shoes, or to get yourself an outfit, you're in luck. East Hills is your one-stop shop in this mofo, clearly. There is literally nowhere else you should even go if you live in St. Joseph, Missouri. I will not allow it.

This is a such a hodgepodge of hot messes that I can't even decipher the very worst part. Is it the Miley Cyrus-esque girl yelling at us about backpacks? The terrified child? The extremely lackluster performance of the boots and pants guy? The haircuts lady actually trying to get a record deal? Someone needs to check on the welfare of the outfit girl, because she looks as if she was coerced into performing with some kind of hostage situation.

I'm sorry, people in this commercial. None of you seem to be willing participants in this amazing piece of art. (Except haircuts.) And I'm sorry for ruining your life by thrusting this upon your senses, anyone reading this.

Good evening to you.

via gawker


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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Topless Fire Bro

There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.

Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.

via realitytvgifs

Sorry, dudes. This b-hole ruined it for everyone. This is why you can't have nice things.


via buzzfeed

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This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things -- Terrible Infomercial Product Edition

Sh*tty eff, you guys, how have I lived this long without the Style Screamer? I can't believe that I've been able to walk to cars for over 30 years and made it out alive. Lady luck has clearly pulled me through by the skin of my friggin' teeth.

On the real real, if you were really in an effing life-threatening sitch, are you going to pull on your bedazzled-ass cluster tassel? Or will you be scraping a mofo's windows of their soul out with your Hello Kitty beer bottle opener on your key chain? Plus, I'm pretty sure good, old-fashioned, been around for 4.7 million years screaming yo' damn ass off would do quite nicely. I'm totally for protecting yourself in creepster situations, but this is just unnecessary.

Did you notice that 99% of the men in this video were just guilty of walking in the stairwell with a hood/kind of looking Jersey Shore-ish? But listen, if you're really freaked out by Pauly D types hassling your ass outside the Aeropostale, get a whistle for like $1. True story -- my mom bought me a pink whistle to keep in my backpack in middle school in case anyone tried to abduct me, and decided to give it to me on Valentines Day. I threw it out, because...

Thug Life. And middle school angst.

P.S. If you're reading this, Mom, please don't buy me this.









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My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.

YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!



Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.

 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.



Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.

Nope.

And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?

I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.

And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail

C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.

Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.

Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.



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Weekend Update: Justin Timberlake Totally Got the Color Me Badd Haircut.

I mean, seriously, bro, could you LOOK anymore like this dude? (Chandler Bing voice.)

No, not shoulder-padded-not-really-cute-enough-to-be-in-Milli-Vanili, and not Kenny-G-stole-the-suit-from-The-Mask. Not even Hoops McPosing4mylyfe. I'm talking the Ozzy Obsourne eyewear thief in the back. The only difference is C.M.B. dude's brows are tweezed thinner than Kate Moss' ass in the 90's.

Exhibit B:



I rest my case on that sh*t. And the worst part is, this isn't even JT's most unfortunate haircut.

Never forget.

RIP doucherows and the weirdest rectangular brows I've ever seen.

Peace be with you, Little Orphan Annie hair.

And, of course,  a big l'chaim to the Ellen-with-a-spiral-perm days. I just feel bad for the b*tch that has to hair wrangle the ish of that mop and flat iron and pomade ever piece to death.

Next time, just get "the Rachel," champ.



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LEAVE JUSTIN BIEBER ALONE! HE JUST WANTS TO WATCH THE SPORTS LIKE A REGULAR!

HAHAHAHA. No, he doesn't. He wants to be a super pain in the ass, duh squared.

Oh, Biebs. When will you stop with this tom foolery? YOU AREN'T EVEN PRETENDING TO ENJOY YOURSELF. If you are going to bring a police officer and a giant bodyguard (where the eff is Kevin Costner?!?) to a basketball game, and be a total c block of people actually being able to watch said game, the least you can do it put on a fake ass smile and pretend your silly ass wants to be there. Kind of like what I have to do when one of your songs come on. It's just polite.

Now, let's talk about whose 1998 tricked out Camaro seats you had to skin to get that shirt. SOMEBODY loves tigers, you guys. That tattoo is about to bite off your areola, boo. I won't even mention that stone-washed hat, because I can't even see it. It's dead to me.

We're done here. I couldn't even fully enjoy looking at this picture of David Beckham, who was also there.

Okay, yes, I could. What a relief. My eyeballs aren't broken.



all pics via daily mail


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Highly Refined and Sophisticated (NO.) Boy Band Video

Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:

• Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
• Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
• Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
• LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
• Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
• Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
• Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
• Sh*t ton of track pants -- CHECK
• Upper arm bandana -- CHIGITY CHECK
• Bulletproof vest/life jacket hybrid apparel -- CHECK
• Kid wearing a furry pimp hat -- CHECK
• Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
• Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
• Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK

These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.

Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)

Yes. Bye, b*tch.

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Justin Louise (???) Bieber, You Stop That Right Now and Go to Your Room!

I can't can't take much more of this, Biebs.

pics via JB's instagram

I know that changes are happening to your body that you don't really understand, yet, but Imma need you to pull your pants up more in the crotchal region. And you probably don't really need gloves when you're working out on Soloflex. And posting topless ass pictures of yourself under the pretense that you're mocking the media isn't fooling any hoes, honey. Now go into time out, and I'll bring up a Berenstain Bears book about keeping your mother effing shirt on in public. And, yes, you can have one more pack of Gushers and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler.

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Vanessa Hudgens Obviously Used My Budget to Make Her (Sure to be Hit) Teaser Video for $$$ex.

Baby V, what the hell kind of effery is this mess? Does the title desperately need three dollar signs? Leave the innocent pool noodles and fanny packs of the world alone. They don't want any part of your nonsense. And how did you b's film this in my first piece of sh*t apartment? I can't believe they let you paint a wall in there. They wouldn't let me do that crap.

Quick side note about said POS apartment, that is NSFL. It (of course) didn't have a washer and dryer in it, so I would use the on-site laundromat. One day, there was a notice on the door from the police saying that a man had been stealing panties (bleh on that word) from the washers, using them for masturbatory purposes, and then PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHERS. Listen, I get the stealing underwear thing. Whatever, you're weird. BUT PUTTING THAT SH*T BACK? That's some code red grossness. I don't know if dude skipped middle school health class, but you can't get b's pregnant by proxy.

Sorry for the perv story, but it's one that needs to be told. Passed down to generations, and such. So anyway, this video is terrible. End of list.

P.S. I realized today JUST how old I am. In order to watch Smirky McSmirkerson's video twice, I had to mute the sound. Next time I'll just remove my hearing aide.




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What the Eff Kind of Michael's Flower Section Explosion Outfit is This, Ke$$$$ha?

via eonline

The worst thing about this nonsense, for me, isn't even the silk flower sh* show. It's those terrible, three times shinier than a Hooter's girl pantyhose. Holy balls, those things are atrocious. But on the real, gluing rejected faux flower petals about your crotchal region does not an outfit make. And I'm pretty effin' open as to what constitutes clothes. If Ke$h didn't create this outfit herself with a glue gun and leftover materials from a few discarded Bridezillas bridesmaids' bouquets, then homegirl should demand a hefty refund to her PayPal account. Because that Etsy picture she ordered this mess  from did NOT represent the real outfit well, obviously.

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Friggin' Biebs, Stop Making Me Talk About Your Ass!

via daily mail

JB's been in ol' London town for a bit now, and at times been seen wearing this dumbass gas mask. Why? Who the hell knows. I am more curious about the well-being of the person that vomited up those shoes. And why does Biebs look like something from the Super Mario Bros here?

Also, is he having some kind of spinal issue? Is his next album (cough) inspired by Quasimodo? And how did he go back in time and steal my circa 2003 Old Navy sweater that I wore when I worked as a bank receptionist? Is he some sort of wizard? If so, I'd like to put in my request to borrow his pointy hat thingy.

Yes. Yes, I am. Now Bieber, stop the silly nonsense. You look a fool. Again.




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Nope.

I don't even want to know what kind of effery those pant are, or what sorority (my apologies, sorority people) girl you stole this whack ass pose (and pants) from, but this sh*t is damn ridiculous. There's only one thing we can do to remedy this situation.

 

Yep, much better.

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What Kind of Effery is Anne Hathaway Wearing on Her Dome Area???

Listen. I know that there is a large(ish) group of mofo's that straight hate Anne Hathaway. I am not one of those people, I think that she's just fine -- in general. But this...

pics via daily mail

I can't go for that sh*t. Homegirl looks half a grandma, half a turrible craft project gone awry. And this hat is CLEARLY her straight jam right now, because she's wearing this mess multiple times. Annie Boo Boo, whaddup? It's not protecting your lovely porcelain skin from ish, and crap's making your hair look super wig-like underneath. Believe it or not, no matter my pro-fake hair stance, that is NOT complementary. And don't you b's even start telling me that this glorified Gam Gam's upside down hanging flower pot rip off is haute couture, or whatever. I don't give a damn. It's gross.

Not doing this sh*t with you, Hatha-path. Take it off. (And let me burn it.) It's for the good of humanity.







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