Jamie Foxx Did A Weird Rendition Of The National Anthem This Weekend

Come with me on a short, non-magical mystery tour of Jamie Foxx (most '90s pseudonym ever, that's still in use) singing the National Anthem at that boxing thing this weekend. I say "boxing thing," because I didn't watch that shit. It's sports, which I avoid more than trips to the gynecologist.

You probably watched it. I feel like a lot of people did. But, did you truly absorb this performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner," or were you too effed up on Tostitos Scoops? I mean, it's not horrible. We don't have a Rosanne situation here. And I'm no singing expert...

but this just feels like so lounge singer-y. Listen, I loved "Blame It" and "Unpredictable" as much as the next annoying white girl in their 20s at the time, but why did this even happen? Was Mariah not available? Or even Mariah lite, I mean, Ariana Grande? Or even Eddie Murphy as Randy Watson? Give me something to work with, man.

On the positive side, please believe I'm going to start ending all of my sentences with "fallelujah -- deep pause -- hallelu..."

P.S. Someone please tell what the shit this jacket was all about. NO ZIPPER NEEDS TO BE THAT LARGE, SIR. So many pleather animals died to make that atrocity. RIP to all the plocodiles and plythons on the planet.

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The WORST Back-To-School Commercial Your Eyes Have Ever Seen

I remember shopping for back-to-school shit being a stressful time. It was such a cluster eff of items to buy, and all you really gave two craps about was getting the best Lisa Frank folders. "So help me, if all of the damn unicorns folders are sold out and I'm stuck here looking at college rule composition notebooks..."

But one thing is for sure when it comes to this trying time of year -- if you need denim, at least four haircuts, backpacks, boots and pants, new shoes, or to get yourself an outfit, you're in luck. East Hills is your one-stop shop in this mofo, clearly. There is literally nowhere else you should even go if you live in St. Joseph, Missouri. I will not allow it.

This is a such a hodgepodge of hot messes that I can't even decipher the very worst part. Is it the Miley Cyrus-esque girl yelling at us about backpacks? The terrified child? The extremely lackluster performance of the boots and pants guy? The haircuts lady actually trying to get a record deal? Someone needs to check on the welfare of the outfit girl, because she looks as if she was coerced into performing with some kind of hostage situation.

I'm sorry, people in this commercial. None of you seem to be willing participants in this amazing piece of art. (Except haircuts.) And I'm sorry for ruining your life by thrusting this upon your senses, anyone reading this.

Good evening to you.

via gawker


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