Tipsy Tutorials: Classic Beauty Look

This might be the dumbest thing I've ever done. (I got tipsy and made a makeup tutorial, if that wasn't clear.) Watch at your own braincell risk, man.

Then watch this.

Because I'm sorry and shit.








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BREAKING NEWS: Adam Levine Now Has Gwen Stefani Hair

via AL's twitter

No, this ain't no hollaback girl, sadly, it's Adam Levine and his new head rug. Yeezus, take the wheel. After resting my eyeballs on this, I think that we can all now officially calm our tits on the great debate over whether Adam Levine is hot in a skeeze way or not. This cat's face speaks volumes on the "Would you still?" topic. You can just feel the "eff no" in the windows to his soul.

It seems like when AL bleached his hair to Courtney Stodden on the color scale, and it really brought out the douche in his bone structure. What makes it worse is that he's totally got his "I look super hot right now" face on in the picture, but for me it's reading more "I live in a basement with mannequins."

What do you guys think? Am I being a super bitch? Is this actually hot? Tell how me to live.



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Drunk Blogging: Valentine's Day Is Dumb.

via realitytvgifs

I don't know why this day exists. I tried to wikipedia it, but I don't know what the eff 72% of those words mean. But you know what I do know? Valentine's Day is super dumb, you guys.

I'm old, boring as sh*t and married now, but I was once a young buck, and I've had kind of almost a million boyfriends. (#humblebrag)

Do you know how many Valentine's Days that I actually remember? ZERO. Okay, that's a semi-lie. I remember one. When I was 14 (don't worry, it's not about to get Chris Hansen-ish), I was "hanging out" lite with this guy. Like, we didn't even acknowledge each other at school because he was a Senior and I was a Freshman that looked like this kind of thing:

THIS IS REAL LIFE.

You get the idea. So, it's dummy dumb idiot Valentine's Day and I get off the bus and get to my house, and there's one of those gigantic, white-teddy-bears-holding-a-heart-or-some-bullsh*t sitting on my doorstep. And somehow (I guess he called me on my rotary home phone) I found out it was from hangout homeboy:

ACTUAL DUDE.

And that was the moment that I knew that this holiday is crazy. I don't need your overpriced bear, bro. We aren't on that level, and even if we were, that sh*t was probably $57 dollars at a mall kiosk. You ripped yourself a new a-hole. I don't like flowers (I like them growing in the ground), I don't like chocolate, and I don't like jewelry. Like, tell me you like me on a random Tuesday over some cheese sticks, or something.

Why reserve that stuff for one designated day of the year? Because you know what? I love your asses every day of the mf-ing year. If I could make it rain some champs and chocolate through via the internets every day all of your faces, I would. That's the real real.

Now back to regularly scheduled b*tchery. Are you guys into V Day? VD? Vampire Diaries? Tell me your stories.



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This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things -- Terrible Infomercial Product Edition

Sh*tty eff, you guys, how have I lived this long without the Style Screamer? I can't believe that I've been able to walk to cars for over 30 years and made it out alive. Lady luck has clearly pulled me through by the skin of my friggin' teeth.

On the real real, if you were really in an effing life-threatening sitch, are you going to pull on your bedazzled-ass cluster tassel? Or will you be scraping a mofo's windows of their soul out with your Hello Kitty beer bottle opener on your key chain? Plus, I'm pretty sure good, old-fashioned, been around for 4.7 million years screaming yo' damn ass off would do quite nicely. I'm totally for protecting yourself in creepster situations, but this is just unnecessary.

Did you notice that 99% of the men in this video were just guilty of walking in the stairwell with a hood/kind of looking Jersey Shore-ish? But listen, if you're really freaked out by Pauly D types hassling your ass outside the Aeropostale, get a whistle for like $1. True story -- my mom bought me a pink whistle to keep in my backpack in middle school in case anyone tried to abduct me, and decided to give it to me on Valentines Day. I threw it out, because...

Thug Life. And middle school angst.

P.S. If you're reading this, Mom, please don't buy me this.









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SONOFAB*TCH, Miley Cyrus, This Time You've Gone Too Far.

There's a line that just can't be crossed in life, you guys. I semi-defended My Cy after the VMAs when everyone was giving her sh*t, because she's a young buck and we've all been there. But her latest nonsensery HAS GONE TOO DAMN FAR.

E Online has some quotes from Miley's Rolling Stone interview, in which SHE TALKED MAD SH*T ABOUT BREAKING BAD, the best show that has ever graced eyeballs in eyeball history.

Listen to this crap:

"Breaking Bad I just got into, but I haven't been able to keep up with it as much. There's just a lot of him coughing. I'm in the first season, and the coughing is driving me crazy."

"Like, we get it. You're dying. Do you really need a whole two-minute scene of another cough attack? It's too much. In every bad situation, how does he get out? He just starts coughing."

Ummmm, what? Listen, Miley, homeboy('s character) HAS CANCER. I'm sorry that his coughing is too offensive to your sensitive eardrums. That sh*t is straight rude. Get it together, boo.

See if I ever give you a hall pass for acting a trash bag again. Walter White 4 EVA, mofo.




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BREAKING NEWS: Justin Bieber is Annoying, Pees in Bucket.

Is ANYONE surprised that Biebs acts like a little sh*t? No. He's also apparently a member of some after school club called "The Wild Kidz." So cute. And he hates Bill Clinton? SO EDGY.



But sadly, JB is just following a long line of douches that like to pee in stuff when there are totally bathrooms available. When Lord Disick has already done that sh*t, it's totally over.

Don't worry, I'm not even going to talk about Bieb's outfit. I'm just done with it all.

In fact, I would rather just watch this video all day than any of this effery.



Enjoy not sleeping tonight.


Biebs video via TMZ



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