Baby Bieber Sent Himself To Time-Out, Is Now Sorry

Post by Justin Bieber.

Did Biebs make this video after a good nap and tum tum full of Koala Yummies™, or something? Because he is pretty, pretty emo over being such a bad b for the past year or so, and wants you to know that that isn't the real him. He was just playing it up for a role on a "ripped from the headlines" version of Law & Order: SVU where toddlers throw tantrums for a year, maybe. I don't know his life.

So, all we know about the real and mysterious Mr. Bieber (old sport) is that he cares about people and emphatically uses the f-word. Totes kewl.

Play on, Sir Biebs, play on. I guess. I can't really be bothered right now.

I'll be back when I'm feeling more spirited. Until next time.



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SNL Making Fun Of Baby Bieber Is The Best Thing They've Done In Years

Very few things bring me more joy than watching Kate McKinnon bring the hardcore douchey-baby-vibes with her Justin Bieber impression, and this is her masterpiece. This is the GD Mona Lisa of faux Bieb-ing.

"Yo, my pee-pee's in there," is my new mantra. I'm going to chant it in yoga and shit. While wearing a codpiece.

And just in (Justin? Sorry.) case this is too Bieber-adjacent for your tastes and you need to get the stank off, here's your palette cleanser.

You know I never leave you on a shitty Justin Bieber note.




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Tori Spelling Might Not Know Where Babies Come From

I have to keep it honest. I haven't seen True Tori because I've heard that it's fakety fake fake and, more importantly, IT'S NOT MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER. Or even anything remotely related to Donna Martin (or even Ray Pruit), so why bother?

Upon watching the trailer for the upcoming season of True Tori, I have discovered that there are so many issues with this show, which we are to believe is a damn slice of life from the Spelling/whatever-dude's-name-is home.

Namely, we are supposed to believe that Tori has never seen a picture of the (probably faux) mistress person? And it's been, like, a year? Pshaw, lady. Pshaw to that. You would have googled that mofo in 2.3 seconds. You would have probably set up a google alert in her name.

I'll take TS on the Maury show and lie-detect her ass to prove that that shit's not true. Not to mention, even if we're to believe that complete and utter nonsense, we are also to accept that you're walking around with 8x10 glossies of homegirl in a manila envelope? Unopened? Just one more pshaw over that, because it needs it. PSHAW.

But let's move on to the real meat and potatoes of this pot pie of ridiculousness. TORI REVEALS THAT SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT.

Okay, so you don't even know? Are finances so dire that boo boo can't buy an EPT test? I'll send a check for $6, if that's the case. Or start a kickstarter. Or maybe steal a deluxe ribbon from one of Candy Spelling's gift-wrapping rooms and sell it on eBay.

Also, is it unclear how one becomes pregnant? Because she has four kids, so I would think one might have figured that shit out by now. Maybe get to googling that, too.

Bottom line, I can't deal with this hot mess express of a purported reality show. Someone just watch it and tell me what happens. And maybe let me know how fake it is on a scale of Big Foot (not fake) to Lindsay Lohan's head hairs (fake).

Instead, I think I'll watch the world's worst pseudo fall on repeat.



How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold her close to where you are?






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'Scuse Me? News: Eva Mendes Is SEVEN MF-ING MONTHS PREGNANT

Remember Eva Mendes?

Remember when she and Ryan Gosling were a thing, and we were all, "Ugh, but I get it, they're both super hot and have hair perfection on lockdown?"

Except for the tight-rolling pants over a boot deal. Stop trying to make that a thing, Ry. It's not.

Then remember when everyone was like, "Those two sexy ass mofos broke up. No one has seen them together in 34974298 years!" And we all breathed a sigh of relief and waited for a telegram from RG saying that he was sending one of those Cinderella pumpkin carriages to pick us up and bring us forth to him?

Well, get ready to order an extra body pillow with the Gosling pillowcase upgrade for backup, because Us Weekly is saying that homegirl is all the way knocked up. And not even like just-peed-on-the-stick-thingy-five-minutes-ago pregnant. Seven months pregnant. Like, that puppy is close to being pooped out, pregnant. (Isn't that how babies are born?)

Luckily for you, I got this EXCLUSIVE picture of the baby that they're probably having. I know, I know. This is HUGE. Screw you, People magazine. You ain't got nothing on my exclusives.

What do you guys think, is Eva Mendes PREGNANT pregnant? Or is she just pregnant with a case of the b-faces, as per usual?

UPDATE: It's true! It's all effing true.

 
And it's all People's fault.

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Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Bieber Edition

The word on the street (yes, I just watched Real Housewives of New York) is that Biebs might be the future bod (gross) of Calvin Klein underwear, or maybe he just wants to be. For one of those possible reasons unknown to good damn common sense, he posted these pictures of himself topless as a newborn baby today on his Instagram account.

via jb's instagram

Listen, JB. I know you just got out of Grade 7 (he's Canadian) science lab, or whatever, but this is what a Calvin Klein underwear model looks like.

Now that your eyeballs have soaked all of this up, you can take 5-7 seats, Baby Bieb Bieb. But all is not lost. You have landed the 2,398,403,280 place runner's up gig: TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS TUESDAY!

Now go cover up.


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Jennifer Love Hewitt Had Her Baby, Named It Something Not Really Annoying, And Kept A Secret. (Hold For Applause)

pic via usweekly

I'm pretty f*cking proud of the Hews, man. Not only did she just pop out that baby child (which is apparently a girl type) yesterday, but she also had a SECRET WEDDING (which, let's be honest, are the only fun kind) AND DIDN'T EFFING TALK ABOUT IT.

This might not sound like a big deal for the average human being, but we're talking about Jennifer Love Hewitt, here. Homegirl can't NOT talk everything that happens to her every damn hot second, so this is insanely huge for her. Plus, I haven't heard about the bedazzled status of her lady loins, so I guess we're on an upswing.

JLH also named her kid Autumn James, which is actually not a horrific name. Because let's be honest, these are some terrible baby naming times happening right now on this planet. From the time that I read this article on BuzzFeed a few weeks ago, crazy baby names have been haunting my brain waves, and it's all due to this picture:

While I'm sure you might think that Nayvie is super adorable while your child wears bows on their head that are bigger than Lichtenstein and glitter tutus, Nayvie is not the name of an adult person that's a tort law attorney. Or a bank teller. Or a pharmacy technician. Or just a 53 year old human. C'mon humanity, let's get it together for the future office workers (or even unemployed people, I don't give an eff) of 2045.

Bottom line? Congrats, J Love. You behaved like an adult with a semi-plan! So...

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THE ROYAL BABY IS HERE, So Let's Use Baby Products to Look Hot.

Hey, guys. Have you heard? THE ROYAL BABY WAS BORN YESTERDAY. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

I mean, yaaaayyy, and everything, but what it really got me thinking...

"If babies are born, and you have to buy a lot of sh*t for them, can you then use that sh*t for beauty purposes?" - Low Rent Carrie Bradshaw

johnson's baby shampoo, $3.99 at target

Baby shampoo is kind of a boss b*tch, yo. You can use it for a ton of things. My favorite use is for cleaning makeup brushes. Because, well, those sh*ts are made from animal hair...and this is a shampoo. It's gentle, so it won't eff up your brushes, but it will still remove gross oils and makeup gunk.

Bonus: Another great use for this mess is an alternative to shaving cream, which I personally hate. Because baby shampoo is so mild, it won't strip or irritate your skin, and it provides lots of glide (heh) for the razor.

johnson's baby powder, $2.44 at target

Baby powder is like the super OG dry shamps. Back a million years ago when I looked like this:

I could not LIVE without baby powder. My hair was super fragile (effing obviously), so I tried to wash it less, and baby powder was my jammiest jam that's ever jammed. Plus, it's the cheapest dry shampoo that's ever sopped up hair oil. Bottom line, unless you have dark hair, you need this sh*t in your life for $2.

Bonus: You also use b. powds to but the kibosh on foot stank when you're wearing shoes without socks. Fresh to death in this b.

shea moisture organic raw shea butter baby oil rub, $10.29 at target

Full disclosure, here. I've never used this specific baby oil, BUT I'M TOTALLY BUYING IT ASAP. Because here's my baby oil deal -- I love that sh*t to use instead of a body lotion. BUT, I hate the smell, and I'm not fond of rubbing mineral oil all over my skin, because I don't even know what the eff it is. So both of those issues are solved with this baby oil, and I almost want to have a baby so it's not weird for me to buy the ish out of this stuff.

Bonus: Baby oil is also great for removing pain in the ass eye makeup. Just swipe it on with a cotton ball, then follow up by washing your face like normal.

Look out, ROYAL BABY, because we're coming for your damn beauty products.

Hide yo' powders, hide yo' 'poos. But not your POOS poos. We don't want those, Josie Grossie.



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BREAKING NEWS: Justin Bieber is Annoying, Pees in Bucket.

Is ANYONE surprised that Biebs acts like a little sh*t? No. He's also apparently a member of some after school club called "The Wild Kidz." So cute. And he hates Bill Clinton? SO EDGY.



But sadly, JB is just following a long line of douches that like to pee in stuff when there are totally bathrooms available. When Lord Disick has already done that sh*t, it's totally over.

Don't worry, I'm not even going to talk about Bieb's outfit. I'm just done with it all.

In fact, I would rather just watch this video all day than any of this effery.



Enjoy not sleeping tonight.


Biebs video via TMZ



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We're All Getting Old/Where the Hell Have I Been News

Pic via Daily Mail

Jessie Spano is like one second from pooping popping out (I don't know where babies come from) a kid. How did I not know this? It wasn't in the Saved by the Bell Fans 4EVA!!!! (yes, four exclamation points) newsletter.  In other news, she and her husband obvi love a well-worn military jacket. Are those grommets, sir? How historically accurate of you!

P.S. I don't know this man's story, but if he's not a soap opera or Cinemax late night movie actor, he totally missed his calling.

And on completely unrelated topic, this is what Ashanti has been wearing lately, courtesy Bossip:

Oh, honey. I don't even know where it's safe to rest my eyes in this piece. That lace applique is working hard for its money. But on a positive note, "Foolish" is still totally my jam! That's some good ish.



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I Have a Really Valid Question for This Maury Guest

Mario or Dee, maybe. But why the hell are you sleeping with dudes with names like Timboo or Black?



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Bill Ruins EVERY. THING.

Ugh, ignore Bill and focus on the PENGUIN (!!!)

Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer's rep have confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that ol' Sooks is pregnant. Dammit, Bill! If you ruin True Blood for me, I'll hate you forever. (Too late.) Maybe there was a TB staff hot tub party and things got frisky, and there's a possibility that it's Eric or Alcide's kid.

A girl can dream...

P.S. I googled 'Alcide' (Shut up, it's RESEARCH!) and found this:

 If all of my printer cartridges are dried up tomorrow, I think we all know why.


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Forget About the Foreclosure, What the Eff is Up With Your Eyebrow Game?

Listen, Octomom. You are making a national television appearance. I know that you are down and out right now, but there is not an excuse for those brows paired with not a stitch of eye makeup. And I just can't even start with that shirt.

Let's see with RHOA's Dwight has to say:

 

That b's word is final.

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This is...Different.

Here's a video of (forever in my mind) Cher Horowitz feeding her kid by chewing up her food and spitting it into his mouth. I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of the loop in life. Is this a thing? Do people spit in their baby's mouths? Wouldn't your kid be hanging on your mouth all the time like one of these things?

I'm not going to lie. This ish freaks me out a little. I would be all:

Okay, maybe not that harsh. It is an infant, after all.

What do you guys think? Is this ish 'normaling'?



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Aw, Harpsies!

Pic via E Online Twitter

I'm pretty, pretty sure that Harper Beckham is actually a Cabbage Patch Kid. 

P.S. Harper, let me holla' at that headband collection. 

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