To Be Filed Under: How Do I Apply For This Job? (AKA Watch Justin Bieber Get Egged In Slow Mo)

Get More: Comedy Central,Funny Videos,Funny TV Shows

Oh, to be a skillful egg tosser.

Comedy Central just released a promo for its March 30th roast of the world's most hated* toddler, Justin Bieber, and it's quite the fun romp. If you're an egg. Or an oiled up, thin, boy chest.

Also, I'm off omelets for a while.**


*by me
**no, I'm not


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Baby Bieber Sent Himself To Time-Out, Is Now Sorry

Post by Justin Bieber.

Did Biebs make this video after a good nap and tum tum full of Koala Yummies™, or something? Because he is pretty, pretty emo over being such a bad b for the past year or so, and wants you to know that that isn't the real him. He was just playing it up for a role on a "ripped from the headlines" version of Law & Order: SVU where toddlers throw tantrums for a year, maybe. I don't know his life.

So, all we know about the real and mysterious Mr. Bieber (old sport) is that he cares about people and emphatically uses the f-word. Totes kewl.

Play on, Sir Biebs, play on. I guess. I can't really be bothered right now.

I'll be back when I'm feeling more spirited. Until next time.



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SNL Making Fun Of Baby Bieber Is The Best Thing They've Done In Years

Very few things bring me more joy than watching Kate McKinnon bring the hardcore douchey-baby-vibes with her Justin Bieber impression, and this is her masterpiece. This is the GD Mona Lisa of faux Bieb-ing.

"Yo, my pee-pee's in there," is my new mantra. I'm going to chant it in yoga and shit. While wearing a codpiece.

And just in (Justin? Sorry.) case this is too Bieber-adjacent for your tastes and you need to get the stank off, here's your palette cleanser.

You know I never leave you on a shitty Justin Bieber note.




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All Of Our Nightmares Have Come True: Justin Bieber Is An Underwear Model

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:18pm PST

I'm not one of those crazy end-of-the-worlders, but it's the end of the world. I'm certain of this because the universe's most irritating infant, Justin Bieber, is showing off all of his cookies and milk as the newest Calvin Klein underwear model. And if that isn't the biggest sign of Earth's impending doom, I don't know what is.

If you don't feel like vom-ing enough, here's a little more fuel to your barf fire.

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jan 1, 2015 at 2:07pm PST

NOPE. Not today, Satan. Not today.

And now, because I've subjected you to the Bubonic Plague of things to see with eyeballs, here's some adorable salve.

It's so slippery, and his little hooves/paws/foot things can't even handle it! And neither can my heart. Goodbye.



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The "Apparently" Kid And Other Best Bits O' The Day

Have you seen this video of the "apparently" kid? Because apparently I love him more than at least 78% of all other humans. Apparently.
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Apparently (sorry, I can't stop), bears are just like us, and hate Justin Bieber. Yay! According to this story from The Daily Mail, a Russian fisherman-type dude was getting full-on mauled by a brown bear until THE BEAR WAS SCARED OFF BY HIS BABY BIEBS RINGTONE that went off just as the bear was getting down to business.

A few things: a) remind to never move to Russia because it sounds scary as shit, b) HAHAHAHAHA, Biebs, even bears put you in the "Oh, eff no" category. The poor, unfortunate, bear-mauled soul is recovering from severe cuts and bruises from the bear, but homie is going to be okay. As far as having JB's "Baby" as a damn default ringtone, the guy claimed that his "granddaughter loaded it onto my phone for a joke."

Okay, sir, stick to that story. Get well soon and stuff.

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Is Chris Pratt trying to make us all want to kiss him on the mouth? Because if that's what he's campaigning for, it's totally working.

Here he is on a Sirius/XM show rapping Eminem's part from "Forgot About Dre." This really makes me love him 3984230985 times more since I bump to this song on the daily, because it's on my workout playlist. (JK, I'm really horrible about my fitness, so I hear it like thrice a month.) Whatever, Chris, we get it. You're adorable and funny and the best. Just be all of our boyfriends.

P.S. What raps do you guys have memorized? I have a couple of early-ish Snoop Dogg songs, Salt 'n' Pepa's "Shoop" and Biggie's "Juicy" down. Yet, I can't remember to take a damn daily vitamin.



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Orlando Bloom Acts For The People Of Earth And Tries To Punch Justin Bieber

This picture is completely unrelated, but I found it really humorous that Justin Bieber and his friend are wearing not only matching shorts and topless-ness, but also identical underwear. Twinsies!

I was scrolling through Instagram last night, and I came across a picture of Miranda Kerr that Biebs had posted. (YES, I FOLLOW HIM. I HATE MYSELF.) That little twerpy derp has since taken it down, but I thought it was kind of weird. But now it all makes sense after waking up to this pretty MF-ing amazing story about Orlando Bloom trying to put his delicate hands across JB's smug mug.

And there's a Swedish video of this. WITH SLOWMO. Let's watch and laugh together.



These two apparently got wild for the night, f being polite, over Baby B maybe doing sex stuffs with Miranda Kerr (BRB vomiting until my jaw falls off) and possibly  Orlando Bloom hanging out with Selena Gomez a few months ago. Whatever the case, we can all thank Yeezus that SOMEBODY finally attempted to spank this toddler. Even if it was Orlando Bloom, who I could probably beat up quickly and efficiently, and seems like he bathes in rose water with a splash of honey. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still firmly in the "would do" camp, he just doesn't seem like the punch shit type.)

After the misfired punch goes down, Bieber apparently screams, "What's up, bitch?" while his security team attempts to contain their giggles, I'm sure. Sounds like it's time for somebody's nap nap. This is all just definitive proof that humans need to stop f-ing Justin Bieber. Ever.

UPDATE: Baby Biebs just posted this to his Instagram. Someone take his damn LeapFrog away.

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The "I Can't" News Of The Week: Justin Bieber Hooked Up With MF-ing ADRIANA LIMA

Remember when Biebs posted this picture of himself with Adriana Lima on his Instagram account about a week ago? No? I'm the only one here that follows him? Great, another black mark on my effed up life. Anyway, US Weekly is claiming that after these two alley cats were partying it up and taking raised-eyebrow selfies in Cannes at some nightclub called Gotha (sounds annoying), they ended up leaving together at 5 am.

I'm taking this all with a big ass grain of salt. This beautiful creature probably didn't even do dirt stuff with JB. It was early morning, so he probably just needed her to put the straw in his breakfast time Capri Sun. That shit's hard to do. This is a 32 year old mother of two, and he's a 24 months old. That's the only thing that makes sense in this world.

Because there's no way that a grown ass Victoria's Secret model is having sexual times with a guy wearing a sunglasses/training mustache combo in a club. Right? In her defense, he was probably wearing those faux denim pull-up diapers so he looked like he might almost be an adult.

I know that you thought that this was a picture of Leo DiCaprio, but it's just a baby. You can see how it's a simple mistake.



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Well, Earth, It's Time To Pack It In: It's "The Plastics" Video That We Never Asked For

So, I'm about a week too late on talking about this masterpiece of mess, but c'est la vie or whatever. If you've been caught unawares on the shit you just witnessed, this is the newly-formed "band" called The Plastics. This wildly talented crew is comprised of the 33 year old dude that wants to look like Biebs and the homegirls that fancy themselves Jennifer Lawrence and Madonna.

Here's my take on this literal bullshit: I don't give half an eff what you do to your face and body. If you want to spend 100k on plastic surgery and plop a straw-like bowl cut on your dome, do it. It's your life and crazy face. YOLO-alter your face into an actual b-hole, I don't care. It's none of my GD business. Thanks, Salt-n-Pepa.

But you know what is my business? These mofos committing assault and battery on my eardrums with their auto-tuned effery. This is (OF COURSE) brought to you/written by that dude that made the Tan Mom song. Can someone on this planet please hire that guy to do ANYTHING ELSE but make these videos? Closet organizer? Dress sock quality control tester? Denim jacket bedazzler? Professional vajazzler? Anything. This has to stop.

And I have more important shit to focus on.

via realitytvgifs

P.S. Is it possible that Fakestin Bieber's pants are actually worse than the real deal's pantaloons? Too close to call.


Thanks to Amber for the heads up on this crap.


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We Can All Reaffirm Our Love For Jon Hamm, As He Pretty Much Says That The Biebs Is Terrible.

via men's fitness

Our sexy as eff boyfriend Jon Hamm has a cover spread (heh) for Men's Fitness this month, and it sadly doesn't feature his very best asset. But, he totally made up for it when he slayed Bieber's ass in the interview with the magazine. Via Buzzfeed:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the f**k, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, sh**head!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing… just s**t you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just s**t you needed to learn in life.”

Jon sounds like a straight up crotchety old man, and I'm about that life. Put on a Mr. Rogers sweater and let's get bout it bout it. Okay, this is getting gross. BUT LEARN HOW TO WASH A DAMN DISH, JB. LEARN IT. Jon Hamm and I stand in a united front, as usual. Except for the time that he said to stop talking about his man area. Non-united with that shit. I'll probably start a MySpace page for it. So THERE, Jon Hamm. I TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

I'm sorry I'm so yell-y. I had one drink. You can see why everyone hates me.






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Okay, Okay, One More Coachella Related Post. IT'S ABOUT BIEBER.

via buzzfeed

I didn't really want to be all,"COACHELLA, COACHELLA, COACHELLA," today. But when Buzzfeed posted this picture of JB, it could not be ignored. When I see something that gives me the WHAT THE MF-ING EFF? feelings as much as this does, I really can't just let it go. (If you make a Frozen reference right now, I will eyeball slap you.)

Seriously, this bitch has got to be kidding me right now. He's wearing a chain that every dude I knew in high school bought from a kiosk in the middle of the mall. With an oversized bucket hat. But the real clincher are those shorts (???). Those pieces of shit look like something that that guy with the 132 lb ball would be forced to wear. (RIP, sir.)

via realitytvgifs

Biebs is seriously sending me to a (slightly) early retirement home facility with his nonsense. Send me lots of Werther's and hand-made doilies, mofos.



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Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Bieber Edition

The word on the street (yes, I just watched Real Housewives of New York) is that Biebs might be the future bod (gross) of Calvin Klein underwear, or maybe he just wants to be. For one of those possible reasons unknown to good damn common sense, he posted these pictures of himself topless as a newborn baby today on his Instagram account.

via jb's instagram

Listen, JB. I know you just got out of Grade 7 (he's Canadian) science lab, or whatever, but this is what a Calvin Klein underwear model looks like.

Now that your eyeballs have soaked all of this up, you can take 5-7 seats, Baby Bieb Bieb. But all is not lost. You have landed the 2,398,403,280 place runner's up gig: TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS TUESDAY!

Now go cover up.


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Justin Bieber Shows Off His Ta Tas And Grabs His Crotch On Rolling Stone, Because He's A Bad Boy

But is it for life? Diddy wants to know. If so, lawsuit's in the mail.

via rolling stone

Well, well. Looky what we have here. The Biebs on the cover of Rolling Stone, with nips ablaze and a dumb dumb expression pasted on his mug. I haven't read this write-up, but I kind of hope that it's just a blank page that says, "He's going through his terrible twos." End of article.

Other possibilities? He had a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep in his 'big boy' bed.

No one's been reading him bedtime stories.

He had too much Language Arts homework to finish and couldn't watch cartoons.

He needs his ba ba.

He's been eating too much candy and his tummy hurts.

Any other theories?



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Justin Bieber Goes To A Diddy Party, Is The Only Topless One In The Room.

pic via yahoo celebrity

I love this picture so much, I want to marry it. It's like a Highlights Magazine's hidden pictures of pure delight. What exactly are your eyeballs gazing upon, you ask? It's good ol' baby Bieber with his tits out for the boys at some party that Diddy was throwing for himself last night in Atlanta, of course.

There are a few reasons that I can't wait to make this my screensaver, if screensaver pictures still existed. (Holla, '00s!) First of all, the current temperature in Atlanta is a balmy 39 degrees. Notice how everyone else is properly clothed in actual fabrics, with some people even wearing things such as jackets, as people tend to do when temperatures are in the lower range.

But the best of the best thing about this amazing piece of photographic art? Besides the seemingly jovial Rick Ross, and maybe Diddy, EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME. Like, if you told me that all of these people were on their way to the gynecologist for a Groupon pap-smear with a speculum straight from the grocer's freezer, I would totally believe your ass. This looks like an authentically terrible time to be had all around.

What happened right before this picture was taken to induce this grump-fest? This?

 
Is this what happened to Bieber's shirt 30 seconds before?

These are the only logical explanations.




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Justin Bieber Visits Strip Club, Strippers Around The Country Collectively Quit.

No, they didn't. But they should, because that sh*t is some inhumane working conditions. The Huffington Post has pieced together a story from TMZ and The Miami New Times involving Biebs visiting a Miami strip club for about an hour and spending somewhere around $75,000. He was there celebrating someone named Lil' Scrappy's birthday. The strip club tweeted this after: "Justin Bieber just ordered 75k ones..." and also included some dumb and annoying emojis. There's also a quote from the club promoter, named Disco Rick, that is boring and adds nothing to this story.

Let's dissect all of this tom foolery, shall we?

• Don't strippers have enough bullsh*t that they have to deal with, without dealing with Bieber? I'm sure dealing with your everyday, garden-variety strip club patron is annoying enough.
• How many Lil's are there out there? These kids are like a Warner Brothers cartoon about a rag-tag gang of kittens.
• Isn't there some kind of code of ethics when it comes to nakey bars? Like, isn't it kind of like a doctor, where they shouldn't be tweeting all of your business all over the internets?
• DISCO RICK??? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? It's 2014, sir, please retire.

Speaking of retiring, I've had just about enough of this world. I just can't with you, anymore, Earth.




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BREAKING NEWS: The Biebs Is Probably Still Acting Like A D*ck

Let's not even delve into that sad sack fuzzy wuzzy upper lip situation that JB is once again forcing us to endure. It's not about that right now.



I'm not even trying to deal with these abominations that call themselves pants, that somehow have both Macho Man Randy Savage and Tupac simultaneously rolling over in their graves. (RIP.) Those pants should be on the body of a 43 year old meth cook that was fired from 7-11 for stealing Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpees, not a young buck pop star. But it's not even about the pants.

Nope, Bieber is on my ain't-nothing-but-a-d-thang radar for this story out of Australia, in which he called a girl a "beached whale," among other bullsh*t insults while being a little sh*t and lounging around a hotel pool. From a witness:

"One girl who was gorgeous looking, with long dark hair and would have been about a size 14. Justin looked over at her and said 'What are you, Hawaiian or something?' She said 'No, I'm not'. Then he said 'You look like a beached whale' ... The girl said 'Are you serious' and he said 'You should go on The Biggest Loser.' ... The whole pool deck heard him call this beautiful young girl a beached whale. Everyone heard. And there was silence. It was almost like his security were used to it."

Ummm, excuse me? Those that live in glass houses shaped like bubble gum machines filled with stick-on mustaches should not cast the first stone. That would be like me calling an actual box of garbage a trash heap. Pot/kettle black deal, and all.

You better get your life right, Biebs. One day, you'll be able to grow an actual big boy patch of facial hair, and your shenanigans will be less than cute. Quit acting like a big bag o' d*cks, JB. No brownie with your Kid Cuisine tonight.




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Zach Galifianakis is Skinny; Spanks Justin Bieber.

I don't know, you guys. I'm not sure that I can get down with this new waifish Zachy G. It just feels weird to me.

But you know what doesn't feel weird to me? Baby Biebs being spanked (in a completely nonsexual manner) with a belt.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Justin Bieber from Justin Bieber

Bieber's blouse is an inch or two and a stiff tug away from Flashdance territory.

Hot. Also, I will not rest until JB stops trying to act in ANYTHING. It's bad. Real bad.

I see you, Bieber.







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My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.

YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!



Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.

 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.



Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.

Nope.

And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?

I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.

And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail

C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.

Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.

Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.



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Great. I'm the Effing Worst, Part 308430984: Justin Bieber Mustache Edition

You b*tches know there are very few things that I hold closer to my heart than hating on Biebs. (Basically, just koalas, unicorns, bacon, and wine.) SO THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF. I really, really, really wanted to make fun of Justin Bieber's non-stache today, as seen here:

via huffpo

We can all hash out that shower curtain liner-embellished, brought to you by the letter "Y" shirt at a later date, because here's another picture of the offensive three hairs:

via jb's instagram

And here:

bieb's i.g. again

I mean what IS that??? I had so, so many Kip jokes to make, you guys.

Like, a lot.

And the worst thing, ever, happened.

yep, still stalking the instagram

HE SHAVED THAT STUPID SH*T. AND PUT ON A HAT THAT I F*CKING WANT TO WEAR.

I hate everything.

I need to pet baby stray kittens (after vaccinations) and drink (more) wine.



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