Vanessa Hudgens Obviously Used My Budget to Make Her (Sure to be Hit) Teaser Video for $$$ex.

Baby V, what the hell kind of effery is this mess? Does the title desperately need three dollar signs? Leave the innocent pool noodles and fanny packs of the world alone. They don't want any part of your nonsense. And how did you b's film this in my first piece of sh*t apartment? I can't believe they let you paint a wall in there. They wouldn't let me do that crap.

Quick side note about said POS apartment, that is NSFL. It (of course) didn't have a washer and dryer in it, so I would use the on-site laundromat. One day, there was a notice on the door from the police saying that a man had been stealing panties (bleh on that word) from the washers, using them for masturbatory purposes, and then PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHERS. Listen, I get the stealing underwear thing. Whatever, you're weird. BUT PUTTING THAT SH*T BACK? That's some code red grossness. I don't know if dude skipped middle school health class, but you can't get b's pregnant by proxy.

Sorry for the perv story, but it's one that needs to be told. Passed down to generations, and such. So anyway, this video is terrible. End of list.

P.S. I realized today JUST how old I am. In order to watch Smirky McSmirkerson's video twice, I had to mute the sound. Next time I'll just remove my hearing aide.




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Seriously, Guys. Make Me Stop This Sh*t.

I think I have a bad disease. In my brain area.

via bieb's instagram

I can't stop thinking Justin Bieber's dad is hot. What the eff is my problem? What's next, one of those kids from One Direction's great auntie? I know that I'm old and sh*t, but do I also have brain/sexual attraction to Canadian dad issues? And does this mean that I really have a thing for dudes that look like skinny Kevin Federlines? Is this really about my deep, deep love for Britney Spears? If I buy Fantasy perfume will it solve my problems? My. God.

I need some advil. Or roofies. Or a lobotomy.

P.S.

P.P.S. I REALLY have to stop following Justin Bieber on Instagram.

P.P.P.S. I'm now following the dad on Twitter. Call the police.




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And My "That Dude's Hot" Shame Spiral Hits a New Low.

I came across this article on I'm Not Obsessed, which contained this photograph of young Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all, "Justin Beiber is hot now." No, he's not. BUT, I was like, "Who is that slightly trashy, Liev Schreiber's less attractive brother looking, jorts wearing, hot man with Lady Biebs?"

Pic via Imnotobesessed.com

Holy ish, you guys. THAT'S J. BIEBS DAD. It's not Kevin Federline's hotter cousin. Ugh. I'm old. And completely gross. I'm going to bury my disgust in cupcakes and wine wine cooler (more appropriate). It's 8:45 where I live right now. IDGAF.

Update: Because I'm weird, I couldn't stop thinking about 'Lady Beibs', and I really think that Justin Bieber should make a cameo on Downton Abbey. This is what it might look like.

I'm done. Happy Friday, b faces.




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Awkward Crush of the Day: Breaking Bad's Walter, Jr.

I'm pretty sure that you guys know that I pretty much hate myself. Well, I can add another reason to the ol' gross list. I have a pretty, pretty horrible confession: I have a thing for Walt, Jr. from Breaking Bad. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, first off, you need to watch this show. It's mf-ing good. Secondly, here comes the gross part. Walter, Jr. is the son of the main character, and is...umm...16. Here he is in the background, behind OG Walter. (He also has cerebral palsy, which is why he uses crutches.)

But, don't call the FBI or anything. I googled it, and he's 19 in real life! So I'm still gross, but not illegally so. JUST weird enough to be a creeper, but not enough to warrant a visit from Chris Hansen. Score, mf-er's!

And I even have a runner up:

I've never really found Joseph Gordon-Levitt sexual at all, but he's looking pretty hot here. This is how I usually think of him:

B was as sexually ambiguous as I was in the 90's. Okay, I'm seriously done exposing my weird ish (for today). Please tell me that you guys develop strange crushes on strange strange. Don't leave this b hanging!



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Fabio's Greatest Hits

I was thinking about Fabio last night, (Not in that way. Gross!) and I was wondering where that b has been hiding. So I compiled a batch of the best Fabio pictures I could find. And there are some beauts...

Fabio channels Amelia Earhart.

Fabio goes "wheeeeee"!

\

Bear Skin Rug + Body Oil = Bleh

Are those fringed suede pants? I'd rather see them on the tiger.

I kind of want this outfit. Fabio's so fashion forward!

For some reason, when I was googling "Fabio" this cat kept popping up. Into it. This is the new Fabio.

P.S. I never realized how much Fabio's chest looks like two huge loaves of half-risen bread. Delish!





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Lazy B Diaries: Beauty Crap You Should ACTUALLY Do

Hiding Dirty - behind my Snuggie.

 I have not been shy about the fact that I am the laziest of the lazies. If laziness was in the Olympics, I would have medaled in the Junior Olympics back in the day, and now be a contender for the Senior Olympics. (Old.) Even if you are totally on my team, there are some things that you should actually still take care of in your beauty world.

1. Clean your makeup brushes: I know, that ish is SO annoying. But you should really try to clean those b's once a week. Ugh, it's the worst. But neglecting to clean makeup brushes can actually damage the bristles. Not to mention it can totally eff with your skin if you are using dirty mess all over your face. (Duh.) If you don't feel like getting fancy and buying a brush cleanser like this one:

MAC Brush Cleanser, $13

You can use a baby shampoo or a gentle facial cleanser. Do this, seriously.

2. Don't leave your lips nakey: Even if you want to you bare-faced, throw on some type of lip product. Gloss, lipstick, chapstick with a hint of color...Something! You can cover your eyes with sunglasses, but nothing screams, "Look at my washed out face," like bare lips.

Pic via Buzzfeed

Do  you want everyone looking at you like this??? I didn't think so. Keep something easy like:

 

 Maybelline Baby Lips Lip Balm

Or one of my favorites:

Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter

on your person all the time. You never know when you're going to run into your ex-boyfriend. Don't look a hot mess.

3. Style your "bang area": Even on days when you just want to air dry your hair, blow dry/style the front. Trust. You won't have that weird, cowlick/but wait I don't have a cowlick/I look crazy hair thing going on. This is literally what my hair looks like if I don't do this, and let all of my hair air dry.

I'm not exaggerating. Don't let serial killer Aileen Wuornos be your hair twin. You want to look bad ass, but not THAT kind of bad ass.

4. Wash your freaking face at night: Ugh, I hate this one the most. Washing my face at night seems as daunting as swimming the English Channel every night. (Is the Chunnel under the Channel? That would make sense, but I'm no Magellan.) But this ish is really important, as much as it sucks. Sleeping all night with a nasty makeup/oil/dirty gross marination on your skin is not cute. If you want to skip a cleansing, skip the morning wash. Not washing at night leads to congested skin, clogged pores, acne, and just all-over grossness. (It's a medical term.)

What is your beauty dread? Being a girl is the worst.



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Let's Play the 'I'm Trash' Highlights for Adults

You guys remember Highlights Magazine, right? It was at your Dr.'s office and crap when you were a kid, waiting to get your tetanus shot or whatever your pediatric deal was. You had to find a pair of scissors in a picture of an owl's nest or some mess. You were supposed to locate the stuff that didn't belong. That was the point. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you should get a subscription. That ish was the bomb. (Yep, it's '97 all over again.)

So let's play a little Highlights. Pick out all of the things in this picture that prove that I am a trash bag. I won't even make you flip to another page for the answers!

1. I have weave tracks falling out of my head. (A least it's not real REAL hair. Silver lining!)
2. As you can tell by my steering wheel, I am both an unsafe driver and a dirty b, because I put my makeup on in the car. (And obvs smear junk all over the car.)
3. I often have black crap on my fingers because I use them as a cosmetic brush.
4. It's hard to tell in this picture, but all of my nails BUT my thumb nail are painted.
5. If this were a scratch-and-sniff photo, you would know that my makeup brushes kind of smell like McDonald's french fries. I haven't been to a McDonald's in years.

Wow, wasn't that nostalgic and fun??? I am an equal opportunity b. I hate myself as much as everyone else, so it evens out...

What makes you guys trash? Or are you way to classy to answer that question?



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