25 Things I Would Rather Do Than Partake In Black Friday

I just can't with Black Friday, you guys. Maybe it's because I've worked a lot of them. Maybe it's because I have internet access, a couch and zero effs to give. All I know is that THIS is not on my agenda in life.



I can't believe that no one scooped up that Sponge Bob onsie, yet.

So instead for being involved in that anarchy, I'm here, telling you the 25 things I would gladly do rather than be inside a retail establishment today.

1. Abstain from petting and/or looking at pictures of puppies all day.



2. Watch a Two And A Half Men marathon.
3. Not eat bacon.
4. Get a tight, tight spiral perm.

5. Re-paint an apartment that I'm vacating.
6. Diligently shop online for a 1987 Cathy Calendar. Ack, all the way around.

7. Touch a possum's (opossum if you're fancy) tail.
8.  Go on a "date" with Dustin Diamond.

9. Return something to Ikea.
10. Eat a sh*tload of canned English peas.
11. Listen to Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Women" on repeat.

12. Figure out what the eff that jelly sh*t is inside a fruit cake.
13. Read Yahoo Answers...answers.

14. Perfect the dark brown lip liner/frosted white lipstick combo look.
15. Have Glamour Shots taken with Richard Simmons.
16. Hang on a Teeters Hang Ups.
17. Hit up the Golden Corral chocolate fountain with Tonya Harding.

18. Put together an intricate, to-scale model of one of Beyoncé's summer homes.
19. Get into a twitter war with Tara Reid.
20. Make an ass ton of non-alcoholic Jello Jigglers.

21. Hang out at a Chess King with Stefan Urquelle.
22. Decorate oversized Hane's t-shirts with puffy-painted squiggly lines.
23. Churn butter.
24. Watch middle schoolers' YouTube videos.
25. This:

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BREAKING NEWS: Beyonce Tries Normaling, Shops at Target.

Some mofos with Twitter accounts totally caught Yonnie scoping out the 30% Xhilaration bangles, or whatever.

via twitter

via twitter

PleasebeSolangeinawig. PleasebeSolangeinawig.

Here's the thing, guys. If I had a drop of the bajillions that the Yonn-Z family has, I would never shop at Target. I wouldn't even leave my house.

I would have mini unicorns with wings of Monarch butterflies created for me to bring me such plebeian things as Dawn dish detergent. If any of my foots even touched a Target floor, it would immediately sear off in normal person germs. But, sadly for me in my actual life, going to Target is a luxury afforded for times like when I win the grand prize on Supermarket Sweep.

GET ALL THE HAMS, B. ALL THE HAMS. Well, I'll see you guys at CVS, shopping with only Extra Care Bucks like it's Monopoly money.



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Peep the Sephora Haul Scene...

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I'm Cheap Part 239084390: My Fave Under $20 Finds

I'm cheap, but I like to shop. We know this. Here are some of my favorite items that I have gotten over the past month or so that all rang up for under $20.

I love the drama of a faux fur. And no cute little shmanimals are harmed. Yay! I scored this faux fur vest for $12 thrift.

Speaking of drama, is there anything more dramatic than a cape? Nope, and I want to Sherlock Holmes it up as much a possible. And I got this baby for $20 on sale at Marshall's, thankyouverymuch!

I love stripes. This H&M skirt is super cute layered with tights, socks, boots, the whole shebang and it was FIVE DOLLARS!!!

Lastly, I got this sweet Badgley Mishka belt for $8 thrift. Real leather, and really versatile!

Have you guys scored any good deals lately? What's your favorite way to shop on the cheap?

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Outfit of the Day: Girly Boy!

Shirt: Thrift

Jeans: Genetic Denim, similar (And on sale!) here

Shoes: Aldo, buy (On sale!!!) here

Handbag: Linea Pelle, similar (but bigger) here

Hat: Albertus Swanepoel for Target, buy here

Jewelry: Random hodge podge of crap that I have accumulated over the years...

My husband took this picture, and because he's taller you can't really see my shoes. So here's a pic I took of myself via timer (Yay!), just because I like my shoes!

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Urban Farmers' Market

Shirt: Miley Cyrus for Walmart (don't judge me)

Sweater: Karlie, find retailer here

Jeans: Blank Denim, Similar here

Boots: Old Navy, buy here

Bracelet: Target headband from circa 2004

Necklace: By boe, similar here

I had to cut my head off. I didn't have makeup on yet, and it was tragic. That's Wiggy in the background, with a cameo by a few ghosts in the form of light orbs. Yay?

This is what I wore to a local farmers' market. Because, yes, every day is an opportunity to wear something that skews at least slightly into costume territory. Pin It

Is This Douchey? I Feel Douchey.

Jacket: Target, a million years ago

Shirt: Thrift store, Juicy Couture

Leggings: Brittney, similar here

Socks: Target

Boots: Old Navy, buy here

Necklace: Forever 21, similar (and kind of cooler) here

So I had a few (real and not imaginary) people ask me to do blog posts with my Outfit of the Day. Like, what I wore that day and whatnot. I know a lot of bloggers do this, and a lot of them are really great. But, I feel like who the eff am I that you would give half a crap about what I wore? So here is my first (and possibly last) OOTD post.

Are you guys into this at all? If so, tell me if you want me to do this fairly regularly. I will take silence as an answer of you think that I'm a douche.

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This is Badassness

Check this ish out. On the boutique website Edgeofurge.com you can make your own feather earrings! Now before you're all, "B, that mess is over with. NEXT!" You can put a bunch of different stuff on them, including UNICORN HAIR. Sign me the eff up!

Here are just a few options you can add. A wolf head? A skull thingy? Go check out all the options.

 

The possibilities are endless! Ahhhhh! What do you guys think? Cute? Or hell to the naaw?

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Gaga's Expensive Ass Craziness for Barney's

Have you guys heard about Gaga's holiday line with Barney's? Of course all of the clothes, accessories, even food is crazy, ridic expensive. I saw a chocolate shoe that was $95 or something. What the what? No. But I did fall in love with these press-on nails.

I mean, how friggin' cool are these??? I will not be buying them, because they are $45 per set, but I do think that they are badass. I might attempt to emulate them by raiding a Michael's and gluing crap on some regular, old Lee Press On Nails. Too much? Nah, I'm gaudy trash.

What do you guys think? Are you into this? Or do you think they are too hot to handle; too cold to hold?

P.S. If you are a DGAF richie rich, you can buy the Gaga nails here.

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Sign I'm Old/of the Apocalypse: I Bought More Crap From Old Navy, and I Love it, I Love it, I Love it!

Yes, I just won an award for the longest blog title ever.

Thanks, Zac. Zack? Zak? Whatever. Back to ol' Old (I'm old) Navy. I went there on Black Friday ( I know, what the eff?!?) and I actually got some stuff I really like. Do you guys remember this?



Duh...Of course you do. I actually got the pants that the ginger is wearing in the commercial, which I can't find on the Old Navy website. Boo!!! But these are similar.

Here I am, greasy, sweatyish hair and all! But the pants are aweeee-some. They are tight and the least jiggly-like of any workout pant that I have ever had. And bonus points that I don't have a weird baggy area around the frontal crotchal area, which I frequently have in workout gear. I had to fold them down, because I'm super ridic short, but they stayed that way while I worked out.

The sports bra is also from Old Navy, and is also pretty bad ass. It's padded, but not in a porny way, in a not nippley kind of way. I also couldn't find this on the website, but they do have it in black (which I also bought).

So I give two sweaty thumbs up to this ish! In fact, I'm buying more. I'm fifty. Fifty years old!


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Radom Ish I Totally Want Right This Second

I would stab a b in the ball of their eye, and do the time for it, for Rose Byrne's sexual mustard yellow leather skirt.

I mean, seriously. Do I need to even comment? Urban Outfitters, $199

I NEED THESE. In every color. J. Crew Vintage Matchstick Cord, $79.50

Um, please and thank you??? Etsy, $21

I heard that this clip-in weave is the bizz-nasss. Luxy Hair, $119.95

Like a boy, but girly! ASOS PREMIUM Mixed Metal Boyfriend Style Watch, $71.88


What is on your wish list right now? Anything crazy? Or just sane items? Pin It

Good Deals Go Bad (As in Good, Not Bad Bad)

Stila Lip Glazes are some of my favorite lip fancies. I have a bunch of different colors, and I have yet to own one that I didn't like. The normal size, which is .08 oz, retails for $22. Which is pretty pricey for .08 oz of anything, but this ish is pretty, pretty good. So here comes the really good part. Every now and then (usually around the holidays), Stila comes out with a "gift" set (Yeah...Gift for myself! Selfishness = 1, Selflessness = 0!) at Sephora. Right now you can get 8 shades for $25!!! They are a slightly smaller size, .05 oz, but for that price...Gimme, gimme, gimme! You can purchase here if you want to be selfish, yet beautifully lipped. You're welcome, cold hearted snakes! Pin It

Damn You, Target!

I got an email from Target today, letting me know that they have a limited time designer collabo with Albertus Swanepoel, who typically makes hats that retail for around $400. I super love the leopard hat here, and the best part is all of the hats are $19.99! What??? Okay, Target. You've snookered me again into wanting some of your bull ish!

Here are a few more that I'm pretty much dying over.

So cute! What do you guys think? Are you "hat girls?" Check out the entire Target collection here. Pin It

Yes! I Love Cheap Androgyny!

Right on the heels of their major collabo with Versace, H&M announced today that they are doing a line inspired by Lisbeth Salander, the main character of the hot book/movie "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." (P.S. If you haven't read that ish yet, what are you waiting for? It's great. Just skim all of the uber-Swedish names and stuff.) Picture dark, bad ass, leather, hoods and stuff. I personally can't wait. This looks hot as hell. And if the H&M doesn't open soon near me (There has been an "Opening Soon" sign nonsense up forever), I might have to shank a b*tch. I bet Lisbeth would totally endorse that action.

What about you guys? Are you into it? Pin It

Calling All Cheap B's: Old Navy Boots Edition

We all know by now that I'm cheap as hell. I happened into an Old Navy last weekend, and there was some huge ass sale going on. Full disclosure: I kind of hate Old Navy, typically. I feel like everything is super blah, but that's just me. I'm a b*tch. I prefer to shop at F21, and be three times the age of the average demographic when I purchase my cheap ass wares. To each her own and blah, blah. But I actually picked up some pretty cute boots. They were all at least 50% of, which sounds good to me. I hate to pay a lot for a boot that's kind of trendy, and I'm not going to wear next Fall/Winter season. And all of the following probably meet those criteria. Let me shut the eff up and let's see some cheap crap!


First I got these western-style ankle boots. I paid $14. I mean, that ish is cheap. On the web, all of these are more expensive for some reason, so you might want to check out your local Old Navy.


I also picked up these cute wedge desert boots. I've been looking for a cute desert boot this season, but I need a wedge because, A) I'm short, and B) I'm stumpy. So these fit the bill. Plus. they are gray, which is one of my favorite colors. (BOOOORING!) I paid $18 for these, and once again that is cheaper than posted online.

The last pair I got were these motorcycle boots. I've been wanting this split style boot since I came across these Dolce Vita boots several months ago, and couldn't find my size. These Old Navy's are a super close copy. And for $20, it works for me. A lot of people were bitching in the reviews that there was a split in the side of the boot that flopped over. For me, that is the point, but just be warned if that's not your thing.

So that's my super cheap Old Navy haul! If none of these styles are your bag, go check out everything that they have on sale right now. Good luck, and happy cheap ass shopping!

Edit: I took some terrible pictures of the boots on, so you can get a general idea. My photography is AWFUL. All apologies. (Credit: Nirvana)

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