Never Gonna Get It: Expensive Beauty Mofos That I Covet, But Will Never Own

I want A LOT of crap. Like, I fu'real have a bookmark folder on my computer entitled "Stuff I Want" that contains links to a ton of ish that I will never, ever own -- dammit. (Umm hmmm, that's right.) But I'm not anything, if not a real ass b. I know my limitations. I am not going to buy a damn thing on this list, because all this mess is too expensive.

P.S. If you own any of these items, I will flood your Twitter account with a million Emoji sad face icons.

#1 -- Botox Uggggh. I love Botox so much. Nothing makes a girl happier than a taut ass forehead, although the paralytics in the Botox I want so badly wouldn't allow you to detect my surprise and delight. I would most likely look like an insane cat-faced lady if it weren't for my tiny, tiny bank account. Be thankful, anyone with the gift of sight. Be thankful.

pic via nordstrom

#2 -- Mason Pearson Brush ($170, Norstrom) Only HBICs can use this b. This puppy is supposed to stimulate your scalp and distribute your natural oils. (That sounds mighty, mighty [Bosstones] gross.) I have obvs never used this magical brush, but it must be badass if it costs almost $200, right? It must be made from baby Leprechaun teeth or something.

pic via tracie martyn

#3 -- Tracie Martyn Shakti Resculpting Body Cream ($155, Tracie Martyn) I would pay one million doll hairs if it would eradicate my cellulite-y legs. Word on the beauty street is that this lotion is the boss sauce when it comes to getting rid of cellulite. Can I get a sponsor, like Little League baseball teams do,  to chip in and buy this mess for me? Yeah, didn't think so. Keep supporting children's activities, people. Selfish.

pic via oribe

#4 -- Oribe Aprés Beach Wave and Shine Spray ($35, Oribe) Okay, so $35 isn't INSANE for hair product, but for a styling product it's just not essential. It's not going to iron your clothes, or anything. (Do people still do that? That's what dryers are for.) I have been dying to try this products for a hot ass minute now, because there are a lot of great "beachy waves" products out there, but when you add shine?!? That ish sounds like a game changer, Zelda style.

pic via sephora

#5 -- Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set ($175, Sephora) I have talked about this beast before, but I just can't get the damn thing off my mind grapes. YOU GUYS. YOU CAN CHANGE THE BARREL SIZE. This ish sounds incredible -- I can't even handle it. Plus, it has a five star rating on Sephora. That mess doesn't just happen every day of the week. You know it's the good good.

Do you guys have any beauty items that you are coveting? Do you want to form a En Vogue cover band with me? You must have your own set of long satin gloves -- only requirement.





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Radom Ish I Totally Want Right This Second

I would stab a b in the ball of their eye, and do the time for it, for Rose Byrne's sexual mustard yellow leather skirt.

I mean, seriously. Do I need to even comment? Urban Outfitters, $199

I NEED THESE. In every color. J. Crew Vintage Matchstick Cord, $79.50

Um, please and thank you??? Etsy, $21

I heard that this clip-in weave is the bizz-nasss. Luxy Hair, $119.95

Like a boy, but girly! ASOS PREMIUM Mixed Metal Boyfriend Style Watch, $71.88


What is on your wish list right now? Anything crazy? Or just sane items? Pin It

Is Anyone in Hong Kong? I Need One of These!

These are badass, non? Meet the Fragmented Chronicles ring collection, by Shannnam of Hong Kong. There are over 100 different landscape designs, and they are all uber cool! You can hop on over to Design Boom to see all of the styles, but don't fall too hard (like I did) because they aren't available stateside, yet. Boo! Hiss!!!

Let's all have a good, long, deep sigh over the fact that we will probably never get to own one of these babies. Tear.

What do you guys think? Are you into these, or am I crazy? Pin It

Damn You, Target!

I got an email from Target today, letting me know that they have a limited time designer collabo with Albertus Swanepoel, who typically makes hats that retail for around $400. I super love the leopard hat here, and the best part is all of the hats are $19.99! What??? Okay, Target. You've snookered me again into wanting some of your bull ish!

Here are a few more that I'm pretty much dying over.

So cute! What do you guys think? Are you "hat girls?" Check out the entire Target collection here. Pin It

Yes! I Love Cheap Androgyny!

Right on the heels of their major collabo with Versace, H&M announced today that they are doing a line inspired by Lisbeth Salander, the main character of the hot book/movie "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." (P.S. If you haven't read that ish yet, what are you waiting for? It's great. Just skim all of the uber-Swedish names and stuff.) Picture dark, bad ass, leather, hoods and stuff. I personally can't wait. This looks hot as hell. And if the H&M doesn't open soon near me (There has been an "Opening Soon" sign nonsense up forever), I might have to shank a b*tch. I bet Lisbeth would totally endorse that action.

What about you guys? Are you into it? Pin It

OMG, You Guys! How Cute Are These?!?

I think that this is the first time since the late 90's that I am coveting press-on nails! WTF, Dita Von Teese? Quit playin' games with my heart! I'm totally getting these. They are $9.99, people! Get on this train! C'mon and ride it! If you would like to join me on the press-on nail second wind, you can get these bad boys (girls) on Dita's website. Pin It

Finally Free to Be Me!

Hell yes, bitches! It's finally after Labor Day, and I can be free to be my vampy-ass self. If you are a rules-follower (Natch, I am not.), you can start rocking your gothier, vampier nail polish colors. And I can do so without being judged (as much).

Here's my starting lineup of some of my vampier polishes (without my old standbys like OPI's "Lincoln Park After Dark" or Essie's "Wicked"). I'm about to do my inaugural polish change, and I am stumped on which color to pick. Sophie's choice!!! Anyway, how about the polish color that I'm coveting for Fall?

That would be this b. Chanel's "Peridot." Love. It. Sold out, blah, blah, blah. If you are having polish block, and need a little inspiration, here's a great article on Fall's hottest nail polish shades. Check it out. Tres helpful. What colors/trends are you guys hyped for? Pin It

Easy(ish) Cute Hairstyles

I'm always on the lookout for cute, easy things to do with my hair. I get bored easily, and I try to avoid doing drastic, somewhat permanent things to my hair by finding new styling techniques. So, yeah, basically I'm a crazy b that makes rash decisions. Yay! Check out the cuteness that I found scouring the interwebs. So cute, non? I am linking to the blogs where I found this badassness (with instructions, yay) so we all can have amazing hurrrr. For that friggin' awesome bun, find out how do create it here. And the braid instructions are here. Okay, annnnnnd go!

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Hot Cheap Sh*t: Missoni for Target Edition

I'm so excited, you guys! On September 13th, Missoni is releasing a HUGE collection (Over 400 pieces!) for Target. From Missoni's signature zig zag printed knit pieces to housewares to a bike (Eeeep!), this ish is hot.

Target has also released a lot of the lookbook, which you can check out here. I'm dying over stuff like the tights and this hot ass poncho deal right here. But also the clutch, the swimwear...Ugh! So much! Crap, I'm going to be at Target for 2309483098 hours next Tuesday. B's better make way!

What do you guys think? Are you excited for Missoni for Target, like I am (obvs)? Pin It

Put this on Yo' Nails

I am almost constantly on the hunt for my new "favorite" nail polish color. I still feel like I will never find the true red of my dreams, but I digress. There are an ass load of great summer polishes out right now, and I feel like I need to be snatching some of these b's up!

First up, let's see what is currently residing on my toes...

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Summer Fashion for Lazies

Listen, it's hot as a mo fo. And I'm not in the mood to try that hard. So what's a lazy/high maintenance chick to do? Two words. Maxi dresses. They have been around for a few years now, and are still easy and fashionable. I have found a nice selection around the interwebs, so lets take a gander.


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I want it now! (Veruca Salt voice)

I really want a hand/finger harness, y'alls. I saw this thing somewhere, and I didn't even know what it was called, so I searched Etsy for "finger chain bracelet." Yup, because I'm brave like that. Apparently, it's called either a finger harness or a hand harness. Anywhoodle. I want it. Now. And now onto endless hours of scouring the interwebs for the perfect one.

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