Bronzy Beauts: My Favorite Shimmery Neutral Shadows At Every Price

I love a bronze eye on basically every-damn-one. It's one of those pretty universally flattering shades, regardless of skin tone/hair/eye color/friggin' astrological sign/whatever. It's just a go-to deal for me -- if I find myself in one of those what-am-I-even-doing-with-a-face-today moods, I throw on a bronze-ish eyeshadow and move on to not caring about another topic.

Because I have really been on that bronze train for the long-haul, I've come across my fair share of great shadows. So here is a complete roundup of my favorites, with bonus picks, because I'm indecisive like woah.

The Super-Power (Susan) Powders

My pick for high-end shadow is probably the eyeshadow I use more than anything else on this silly ol' planet, and that is Smog from the OG Urban Decay Naked Palette ($54). You can also buy it solo ($18), if that tickles your fancy more specifically. The lighting on this picture is half-shitty, so just take my word for it when I tell you that Smog is bronze with a dash of olive. It's perfect, in my eyes. And on my eyes.

For a drugstore shadow, I've chosen the nameless bronze (it's the fourth one over on the top row) from the Maybelline The Nudes Palette ($10). The shade of this dude is very similar to Smog, and the texture is pretty solid. It's just a little less silky than some of the more expensive brands. For the price, I can totally live with it. I'm not THAT much of a princess. This is still good shit.

I also chose two runners-up for powder shadows, and it seems that both of these cats may or may not be discontinued.

Baroque from the Kat Von D True Romance Palette seems to be completely gone from the Sephora website (RIP), and the Revlon PhotoReady Graffiti shadows seem to be only available on Amazon. Well, a day late and a dollar short are kind of my life themes, so at least I'm consistent?

If you do seem to happen upon either of these shadows, they're both more of a "true bronze" than the other two. If that's a thing. 

 I Don't Think You're Ready For This Gel(y)

So, remember 3.6 seconds ago when everything was discontinued and I sucked? Apparently my selection for the best high-end gel shadow, the Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows, are also discontinued. MUFE sent me some of these gel shadow pencils a while back, AND I LOVE THEM. Looks like I'll be taking up hoarding.

Luckily, it looks like the Aqua Shadows have been replaced with the Aqua Matic ($21), and this Satiny Warm Brown shade looks really similar to the old-school #22E bronze baby. So I'm not THE WORST the worst. Just almost.

For a more affordable gel-ish option, I really can't get enough of ColourPop in Game Face ($5). It's the bronziest of the bronze, and has a liquid metal finish. It also costs less than a Venti large coffee from Starbucks. So pretty much "Gimme (Gimme) More" was written about these shadows. I need them all.

My honorable mention goes to Maybelline Color Tattoo in Bad to the Bronze ($6.99). This almost has more of a golden taupe hue, so it's a little cooler-toned. Color Tattoo shadows are really pretty badass, because they last FOREVER. Like, I had trouble washing the swatch off of my arm levels of forever. If you have trouble with your shadow lasting all day, this will change your damn life.

life-changing makeup moment

Okay, that's it. I've exhausted my bronze shadow files. If you have others that you think I need to try, let my ass know. I clearly can never have enough. And on that note...

BYE.




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Meet Kat Von D's Monarch Eyeshadow Palette, The Baddest B Of The Year (Millennium?)

I know, I know. I've been talking about a buttload of eyeshadow palettes lately. BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT. Okay, so I clearly needed this like I need more fibers of laziness in my being, but I just couldn't help myself. I fell in love with this mofo. And we found love in a hopeless place -- the Sephora inside a horribly crowded JC Penney, riddled with back-to-school shoppers.

Let's take a strong look at what reeled my ass in:

Meet the Kat Von D Monarch Palette ($46). It's clearly based on the coloration of that orange-y butterfly, but when I think of Monarch, I think of Monarchy, then I think of Bizz Markie. I probably need to see a psychologist.

The packaging on this bad boy is equal parts beautiful/reminds me of my tramp stamp from 1999. Yay? Either way, it spoke to me. But when I peeped the inside contents, I really fell the eff in love. THERE ARE THREE HIGHLIGHTING/BASE SHADOWS. And they're hella big, like twice the size of normal. This is a big thing for me because I always use up my base-color shadows first.

I was SOLD sold after I started swatching the palette all over my body in the store. Here's the thing about Kat Von D eyeshadows: the pigmentation and texture are LE-MFing-GIT. Did I mention that this is my third (? fourth? fifth? I can't remember, and I've dropped and broken a couple because I'm a monster.) KVD palette? They are my absolute favorite eyeshadows.

Needless to say (or you wouldn't be reading this shit right now, doy), I bought the Monarch Palette. I know, I'm beginning to be an outright ridiculous person. But I did it, so let's at least get some use out of my overspending issues.

I wanted to create a couple different looks so you could see the versatility of the shadows and really get a feel for this b. So this first eyeball fashion plate is a little on the bolder side of the cosmetics tracks. (The Arbor Mist is free-flowing over on this side, you should come hang some time.)

I really felt the need to use the orange eyeshadow (it's called Wrath) to see how wearable it was, and whether or not it made me look like I had a severe eye infection. Spoiler alert: it did not. It actually made me feel kind of cool and post-Apocalyptic, like I could fashion weapons from debris and lizard skeletons, or something.

The second eye deal is more the kind of thing I would wear on the daily -- it's normal, it's basic (without being TOO basic bitch-like), and it's sportin' a touch of sheen, old sport. Between these two looks I actually ended up using all of the eyeshadows at least once, except for one of the base/highlight colors. High fiving a million angels for my mild productivity!

Here's the main point of all of my nonsensical ramblings on: I LOVE THIS FRIGGIN' PALETTE. So much so that I wrote a short poem as an ode to it. Please enjoy.

I love this palette,
more than a salad.
The shadows are bangin',
they won't leave you hangin'.
I love it so much that we might wed,
and sleep in the same bed.

FIN

I don't blame you if you never, ever come back to this blog ever again. Good day.



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Drugstore Darlings: Let's Check Out The Maybelline The Nudes Palette

Gather around for a very important storytime, kids. There was once a lady that loved makeup a little too much for her own good. And sometimes when a person really, really wants to find a palette that they think they'll love on their eyeball lids, they will drive to eight friggin' different drugstores to find said palette. Especially when the palette seems super-affordable and dreamy. And when the lady was united with the palette, she was happy.

THE END. JK! That's just the beginning. And I'm a horrible storyteller. And it's probably slightly inappropriate to tell kids a story about anything called "The Nudes." Keep the youths away from me.

I was pretty damn excited about finally copping this palette. I actually got it for about $7, because Walgreens was having some sort of Maybelline sale. I can't be bothered with the details, because I was on a "GOTCHA B!" high, but I think it typically retails for $12-ish in drugstores.

Here's a close-up look at the shadows and swatches of all of the colors. The eyeshadows are almost evenly split between matte and shimmery finishes, which is a pretty bomb and refreshing find. AIN'T NOBODY THAT WANTS ALL SHIMMERY SHADOW PALETTES, COSMETIC COMPANIES. STOP THE INSANITY.

The matte colors (with the exception of the base/highlight shade) would also all be perfect doubling as brow powders, which is always a nice bonus.

I decided to do a mini head-to-head challenge pitting The Nudes against Urban Decay's OG Naked Palette. The color schemes are pretty similar, so I devoted one eyeball to each palette, and used my wee wee brain (and a camera) to document the differences. (Side note: Please ignore my scaly ass eyelid. I'm using a new skin treatment, and it wants my skin to be dry like whoa.)

I tried to pick similar colors in both palettes to create an as-close-to-identical eye as possible. The verdict? Crazy close, non?

There are a few major differences that I noticed between the two palettes. The spendy ass UD shadows are a lot softer and more blend-y, but almost to a fault. As you can see on the UD lid, the shadows almost blend together a little TOO well, if you know what I'm sayin'. On the other hand, the Maybelline shadows are pretty chalky in texture, but the colors almost seem richer than their more expensive comrades. (The exception were with the lighter/highlighting shades. Those weren't very vibrant. At all.)

Bottom line -- I'm not going to blow smoke up ye olde bung-hole and say, "OWROWIQRJF IT'S JUST LIKE A ONE BILLION DOLLAR PALETTE! WHEEEE!" But, it's really damn great for drugstore eyeshadows. And in some ways it's even better. It's definitely worth them handful of bones, for serious.

So now you can feel free to spend your cash flow on country clubs, strip clubs, or wherever you want, ya' freak bitch!



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Drugstore Beauty: A Sassy Ass Spring Refresher For Just $20

It's officially Spring, you guys. So that means it's time to get our beauty shit so fresh and so clean, clean. But mostly just fresh.

With seasonal changes, I usually like to get some of that new new to spruce up my makeup flair, but due to broke ass-inducing circumstances like having to pay boring taxes and one of my dogs having to have double knee surgery, that cash flow game is pretty damn tight. So I decided to try to keep it affordable and spend $20 at the drugstore, just to find a few key things to help Stella get her groove back on the cheap.

This is seriously the state of one of my local drugstore beauty aisles. Was there a zombie apocalypse involving shitloads of liquid eyeliner and I was completely unaware? And if you wanted to buy a mascara here, you had to go get a clerk to unlock a anti-theft deal to get to it. Is mascara now pots o' gold? Am I unwittingly living on Riker's Island? Too much, drugstore. Too much. Regardless of what kind of effery was going on, as you can see I effectively spent my twenty dollars. Plus a couple of extra dollars. Whatever. I'm no Suze Orman. Here's what I ending up getting:

The one thing that I knew I wanted to get this Spring was an orange-y hued lipstick. Every beauty publication in the universe (seriously, google it) is saying that this is THE COLOR YOU MUST HAVE ON YOUR LIPS OR YOU'LL DIE OR SOMETHING, so who am I to buck the system? I also knew I wanted to get something matte, because that's my deal, so I was delighted to find the bright orange (with a touch of red) NYX Matte Lipstick in Indie Flick. It's a damn dream.

Because I wanted to keep the focus on that bangin' ass lip color, I wanted to keep the rest of my face as neutral as Switzerland (or Sweden if you're Jessica Alba). I've been dying to try the Maybelline Color Tattoo Dare to Go Nude Collection, so I settled on Sleek & Spice, which is a taupe with a dab of metallics. This isn't my first go-round with Color Tattoo shadows. I really love them because they're a gel-like texture, but DO NOT CREASE like a pair of linen pants at a Southern wedding. They're great. And you can layer them with powder shadows. Get on this train.

I next found the adorable cobalt blue turban/headband thing, and my day was made. I have roughly two billion of these because they cover a multitude of unfortunate circumstances, like my huge forehead and dirty hair. I hoard these things. I'm kind of like Brett Michaels and his bandanas about it.

Once I got that little guy, I was kind of on the blue kick, even though I am not a matcher in any part of my life. Either way, I fell in love with, not a stripper, but this Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Pacific Blue polish. It's GD lovely. Bonus: I only used one coat and it was completely opaque. Yay for lazy enabling!

Here's the finished product of my Spring-y reboot.

I'm super happy with how I spent my twenty spot. I would have probably just spent it on brokedown mall gumball machines anyway. What are you guys craving for Springtime beauty stuffs? Tell me what else I can buy.

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I've Been Hoarding an Awesome Eyeshadow Palette Like a Total B Face.

When I tell you guys that I'm the worst, I'm not just being hyperbolic. Like, I am literally the worst at all things. I've had a really badass eyeshadow palette for like two months, and using it on the reg, like almost every day, and I haven't said sh*t. And that's like my job(ish).

But, LOOK. I'm trying to fix it. So let me effin' do this already.

Smashbox's Photo Op Eyeshadow Palette in Softbox II, $39

When Smashbox sent me their Photo Op Palette in Softbox II a while back, I knew it would be my jam immediately. It's a great mix of matte shadows and shimmery ish, and it's neutral, so my old ass won't look like a damn tween. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a tween. Or a twink. I'm just jealous that I'm not either.)

Here's a sh*tty-ish up close look at the colors. I literally like them all, which is super rare for me when it comes to palettes. I'm usually meh-ing the f*ck out over at least a couple of them. In my "everyday eye" look I've got happening above, I'm using all of the shadows but juniper. I have bare as my base shadow/under the brow deal. I used truffle from the crease to the lash line, then sumatra under my eye and in the crease. I then blended it out a little with russet. I finished by using a little sandstorm in the inner corner and inner lid. It's a pretty natural look, and a touch smoky. But not in a too slutty for daytime kind of deal.

Bottom line -- bee's knees, cat's pajamas, giraffe's fishnet stockings, butterfly's fancy hat, this palette is the sh*t. You can ch-ch-check it out for your own damn self here.



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Don't Serve Life for These Beauty Crimes

Holy eff balls, man, being a human lady can be hard at times. It can be really tough to get your ish together beauty-wise, and just live your life like a person. Luckily for you, I've experienced many a beauty tragedy, and I have learned from my grossest mistakes.

Dalmatian-esque Self Tanner Jobs

Poor LL. The tragic victim of the Cheetos 'Stache. (Duck lips are unrelated.)

This is a very common occurrence with those of us who enjoy hitting the bottle of self tanner. Luckily, there is the world's easiest solution to this mess.

Do like this bang-coiffed child and exfoliate your sh*t before you apply your tan. A plain ol' washcloth works best for the bod, but take a little more care with your mug. You don't want to be too harsh and eff your skin up. Just use your brain area and your best judgement. But, I will say that I find a washcloth most effective for removing existing splotchiness, like on Lilo's stubborn upper lip area (or other annoying areas like armpit creases, knees, elbows, etc).

Creased n' Greasy Eyeshadow

Is there a bigger c-block to bangin' ass eyeshadow times than creasing on you lid? Imma go with "no." This is one of the easiest beauty blunders to overcome, and I owe all of that to Urban Decay's Primer Potion ($20). You just need a little dab of this magic to cover your eyelid, and I even use it on my lower lash line to keep eyeliner and such in check. I literally recommend this sh*t to everyone, and I refuse to shut the eff up about it. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

via mrhankey

OCD Nail Probs

I've told you guys before, I don't give two effs about trying to stay in the lines when I paint my nails. It's super pointless and time-consuming. You can have 100% gorgeous and glossy nails, without a steady hand and being a freaky ambidextrous circus performer. Just worry about painting the entirety of those b's, and them let them dry COMPLETELY. After they're dry, take that same raggedy washcloth, or loofah, or whatever deal you want, and scrub the skin around your newly painted nails. IT WILL COME RIGHT OFF. You can feel free on move on about your life, people. This is now a non-issue.

What other beauty probs do you need me to get to solvin'? Sound off in the comments, or send some smoke signals. Whatever. I got you, boo.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.



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It's a NYX-plosion, B's!

I have never, ever, until recently, tried NYX Cosmetics. I know, I know -- I'm a horrible beauty person. I remedied this situation by asking the peeps at NYX to send me a palette to try, and because they are awesome, they did. They sent me a couple of palettes, but I find myself using one in particular EVERY SINGLE DAY. You know when you have one of those eyeshadow deals. You try to stop using the same sh*t constantly, but somehow your shadow brush keeps gravitating toward that b on the reg. Well, that's me and this bad boy, the NYX Wicked dreams Palette -- proof that being an old, always-in-a-using-the-same-stuff-rut curmudgeon doesn't always have to be a bad thing.

nyx wicked dreams palette, $15

I love that this palette is mostly neutrals, and then has a few jewel-toned shadows tossed in the mix.

Here are just a few of the roughly bajillion looks that you can create with this 24 shadow palette. And the quality of these thang-a-langs ain't too shabby, either, especially considering the low, low price tag of $15. But guess what? My mutha effin' NYX-plotation didn't even stop there. I was looking to buy a matte liquid lipstick from another brand, and while I was reading reviews, I saw that NYX makes a similar product with their Soft Matte Lip Cream. And with a price of $6, it is a fraction of a fraction of the price of the original lip product I was going to buy. So I got my ass in the car and drove nearly 29834982 miles (okay, it was 20 minutes) to the far ass away Ulta that's closest to my house to snatch these mofos up as fast as I could. (Oh, and P to the S, they are currently BOGO at Ulta. So it was a total $9 investment.)

addis ababa (top) and monte carlo (bottom), $6 each

I LOVE THESE THINGS. The Monte Carlo shade is especially magical. It's like roses and unicorns came together to live a tiny, tiny life on your pouty lips. And the formula is different than really anything else I've ever used. It is matte, but not pilly or drying -- if you've ever used a long wear lip product you are totally picking up what I'm throwing down when I say "pilly," right? Yep, thought so.

Okay, enough raving for today. I have to keep up my b face street cred. So what's the moral to this long-ass story??? I'm a total NYX-onette right now.

via buzzfeed

Okay, that was totally unrelated to anything, but I've been dying to use this GIF for over a week. Via la Sugar Bear!

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