Drunk Blogging: Let's Talk About Our T-Gives Weekend

I discovered something about myself this weekend, that I've been suspecting about myself for a time -- I'm a semi f*cking hermit. I like to post myself up in my house and do things like binge-watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and read a sh*t ton of books. This isn't just me trying to be Little Edie-esque. I don't like raccoons that much.

please go watch grey gardens, if you've yet to do so.

I'm apparently kind of a loner. I'm really only telling you this because I've been drinking a little. I have/had friends, and I occasionally have people invite me to do sh*t with them, but I usually don't follow through. I don't even know why. I like hanging out with people for the most part, but sometimes I like books/Lifetime Movie Network/Discovery ID better. Does that make me a horrible person? Needless to say, I spent most of the times that encompass Thanksgiving weekend (so far) reading and watching TV.

via reality tv gifs

I'm not really sure if I'm a sad ass human specimen or kind of semi-normal. Now I'm just getting weird and esoteric. You guys tell me about your Thanksgiving times. I feel awkward.

Currently listening to:







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Blogging Note: You're About To Be Real Tired Of My Bullsh*t.

Hey guys, how's whatever you're working with hanging lately? I wouldn't know, because I haven't even opened my laptop in days. Why? I'm currently the worst.

here's a glittery kitten graphic for your troubles.

I found out earlier this week that I'm moving (from Florida) to a far, far land in the contiguous United States in less than two weeks. I'm being annoyingly vague because my husband works in the entertainment(ish) field, and I can't even say where I'm moving until that sh*t is announced. But it's a shipping cars/dogs flying on an airplane for the first time/I don't even know what the eff I'm doing kind of deal, and that means that I hate everything on this Earth right now. Oh, and I'm working my retail job until the day before we go. I hate everything to Mars.

Bottom line, I'm not going to have an inordinate amount of time for blog effery. So please don't stab my eyeballs out with flaming toothpicks for being even more sh*tty than normal. Or maybe you don't have two effs to rub together about my lack of posting, I don't know your life like that.

So that will be my deal for the next few weeks. I will be trying to post as much as I can, so don't totally give up on this hot ass mess. And if you have helpful tips on how to make two terrible chihuahuas actually behave like civilized creatures, or know how to be an effective packing person or just life person -- let my ass know. Or send me a wine basket.

Keep up with my nonsense on my Twitter and Facebook, if you care to be in my bizznazz.





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Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah

how NOT to have an even skin tone

I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.

The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care

chokers 4 eva

Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety

how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?

Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.

I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.

Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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I've Been Hoarding an Awesome Eyeshadow Palette Like a Total B Face.

When I tell you guys that I'm the worst, I'm not just being hyperbolic. Like, I am literally the worst at all things. I've had a really badass eyeshadow palette for like two months, and using it on the reg, like almost every day, and I haven't said sh*t. And that's like my job(ish).

But, LOOK. I'm trying to fix it. So let me effin' do this already.

Smashbox's Photo Op Eyeshadow Palette in Softbox II, $39

When Smashbox sent me their Photo Op Palette in Softbox II a while back, I knew it would be my jam immediately. It's a great mix of matte shadows and shimmery ish, and it's neutral, so my old ass won't look like a damn tween. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a tween. Or a twink. I'm just jealous that I'm not either.)

Here's a sh*tty-ish up close look at the colors. I literally like them all, which is super rare for me when it comes to palettes. I'm usually meh-ing the f*ck out over at least a couple of them. In my "everyday eye" look I've got happening above, I'm using all of the shadows but juniper. I have bare as my base shadow/under the brow deal. I used truffle from the crease to the lash line, then sumatra under my eye and in the crease. I then blended it out a little with russet. I finished by using a little sandstorm in the inner corner and inner lid. It's a pretty natural look, and a touch smoky. But not in a too slutty for daytime kind of deal.

Bottom line -- bee's knees, cat's pajamas, giraffe's fishnet stockings, butterfly's fancy hat, this palette is the sh*t. You can ch-ch-check it out for your own damn self here.



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Can I Just Be a B Face for a Minute?

pic via people

I came across this picture of Katherine Heigl over on People's Style Watch (or something). They were saying how Heigs was somehow rocking this look. And I was like:

pic via buzzfeed

Um, no. No, she is not. The dress is FINE (I hate that word.) if you like to be pretty effing boring. But I cannot co-sign on those HOSE (not even tights) and those shoes. I don't even have a problem with brown and black together, I kind of dig it, but there's something very, very elderly about this whole shebang.  And while I'm nitpicking, could the necklace BE (Chandler Bing voice) more of an awkward length for that neckline? And what is that necklace, anyway? It looks like a tribal tramp stamp from the year 2000.

Okay, I'm going to take a nap and take some St. John's Wart to try to get rid of my sh*tty attitude. Maybe I can get this puss off my face. (I love saying that. Best saying, EVER.)



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Blogging Note: I'm Lazy, and Have Zero Creative Juices.

I'm in Miami right now, because my husband has this work conference deal, and I decided to go. I thought, I'll have time off from work, I can write; it will be perfect. So instead of blogging like a normal, responsible b would, this is what I'm doing:

Sitting at the hotel bar, drinking, and using free wifi, because I refuse to pay $15 for internet access in my room. I'll spend that $15 on 7 glasses of cheap drinks, thankyouverymuch. I would much rather awkwardly stare at a bunch of strangers and try to think of witty crappy to (not) write. So someone yell at me or something, and make me blog. My laziness is unstoppable!!!!



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I Have Been Living a Lie...And You're Going to Hate Me!

I have totally been hiding something from you guys, and it is HIGH time that my ol' shady ass comes clean. (Why does that sound gross for some reason?)

Time for my confession...

I have been wearing Toms. AND I LOVE THEM. I know, I know. We talked about this. And you all gave me a big ass "NAY" over it.  You don't even know me anymore, do you?

Just hear me out for a minute. It's not my fault. I blame Whole Foods. I was shopping for fun stuff like kale and wheatgrass (See, I'm totally in the Toms demographic!), and I came upon the Toms section at Whole Foods (Yes, that exists, weirdly enough.). I always linger there for a moment, and this time there was a pair for 50% off! I was all, "What the eff. When in Rome..." and snatched them up.

That was it for me. After the initial breaking in (one day of semi-discomfort), I felt like this:



It was like angels were carrying my feet upon their feathery wings!!! (Note: Not AS comfortable as that, but pretty, pretty close.) And I actually found them to be cute! I know, what the eff? Am I a step away from wearing the devil's handmaidens? AKA these:

If you said "Yes," you better quit playin' b. Ain't happening. Sidenote: Crocs, please stop trying to be cute. Just accept that you are the 2000's version of a water shoe/Teva sandal-with-socks hybrid and call it a day.

NO. STOP THE INSANITY.

You can trust that I will never cross over to THAT dark side.

See! I'm still me! Don't hate me...I'm still a girly heels girl at heart. I just have a semi-split hippie personality (With extra dirtiness!).

I'm just being Miley! (I hate myself.)



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Is It Okay to Laugh at This?

Pic via US Weekly

I vote, yes, on babies.

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I'm Going to Hell: Part 298429048

I'm sorry. This ish is funny. Kris Jenner is the #1 stunt queen, like ever. Pin It