How To Take Your Face From Basic To Bad In 10 Seconds Flat

Some days you just have a case of ye olde blah face. Whether you're feeling half shitty, tired, or just can't find any effs to gives towards trying -- we've all been there, sister. It happens.

I'm meh-faced and I know it.

Luckily, there is an easy cure-all for this dreadful affliction, and it takes the absolute minimal time and effort, because you know how I do.  I'm talking about getting fancy with yourself and using a bold lipstick. I know that there are still some of you out there that are all, "I just can't do a bright/dark/whatever lip colors." I SEE YOU, AND YES, YOU CAN.

Are there rules and shit about picking cool-toned lipsticks if you're a cool-skinned person, and all of that hootenanny? Yeah, sure, whatever. But who cares? That's boring. All you really need is a "Bitch, I look good" attitude adjustment, and you can wear whatever the hell makeup item that you're into at that exact second.

With that in mind, here are some of my ride-or-die lipsticks in various shades that are sure to cure boring face in under ten seconds flat. (TIME ME, MOFOs.)

NYX Matte Lipstick in Shocking Pink ($5-$6)

I wasn't lying when I told you I wasn't giving up bright lipsticks anytime soon. In fact, I bought this lipstick after I wrote that post. Screw you, Fall stereotypes!

If you fancy yourself a real girly girl, fuchsia might be the perfect gateway lipstick to jump off your bold lip kick. And if you have a darker skin tone, THIS NEEDS TO BE YOUR SHIT.

MAC Viva Glam I ($16)

Let's be real -- red lips are the training wheels of bold and bangin' lipsticks. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I love red lipstick, and absolutely every pair of lips attached to a face can pull it off. If you're one of those homies that I referenced who are still scared to get crazy with your lipstick, this puppy is for you.

NYX Matte Lipstick in Indie Flick ($5-$6)

My husband just saw me working on this and said, "That lipstick is too crazy," re: this picture. (For reference, he said the red lipstick picture looked "normal.") So, now we're getting divorced. JK.

Orange-y lipsticks are definitely on the more adventurous side of the tracks. Like, where people that think a meal consisting of chips and wine are a more than adequate dinner live. I live there. Join me. It's fun (and apparently crazy) here.

Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame ($22)

Don't get it twisted, I'm not exclusively about that bright lip game. Dark lips are equally dope. In fact, being the moody brooder that I am, deep berry lipsticks probably match my personality best. But I also like unicorns and mermaids and such, so....you see why the shades are vast and varied here.

Okay, I'm 100% sick of looking at my own damn mug, so I'm wrapping it up. What bold-to-death lipstick shades are you into? Tell me in the comments. Or maybe even upload a picture of YOUR beautiful mug. I WANT TO SEE ALL THE THINGS.

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Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah

how NOT to have an even skin tone

I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.

The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care

chokers 4 eva

Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety

how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?

Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.

I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.

Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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