My Very Favorite Winter Sh*t

Winter kind of blows when it comes to beauty. Everything is hashtag XXX-TRA DRY, and it just makes life roughly 23454% worse.

Luckily, I have found some products for the hairs, face and body that will alleviate some of those wintery woes. Get off our jocks, Mother Nature. We see you.



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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Pumpkin Enzyme Facial

The second Allure Insiders facial video is a major Fall staple...the pumpkin! I'm getting all up in the Pumpkin Enzyme Facial, which is kind of like rubbing a Pumpkin Spice Latte on your mug, except that it's great for your skin.

What does it feel like? What does it smell like? (Side note -- I had to edit out at least five minutes of me talking about what each thing smelled like. It was getting creepy like woah.) Watch the video to get the answers to these burning questions and more. FALL 4EVA!


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This Is Literally Renée Zellweger

You know when people are all, "This is LITERALLY the worst day of my life," when really the Starbucks barista gave them an (Ariana) grande instead of a venti (AKA A LARGE), or some shit? Well, they're using 'literally' wrong. And you probably think I'm in that same boat. Because there's no damn way that this is literally and actually Renée Zellweger.

BUT YOU'RE WRONG, BRO.

Listen, I am the first person to say that if you feel like effing around with your face, do the damn thing. I don't care. It's your face. What the hell do I care? But the fact that I thought that this was Robin Wright and Christina Applegate's first cousin is slightly problematic. And not through marriage.

RZ hasn't been in a movie since 2010, so I don't know what her life is all about. The singular thing that I do know is that her signature Zellweger squint started bumping "Since U Been Gone" and peaced out this bitch sometime in the last four years. And that I would love to get my hands on her eyebrows.

Live your life and do what you want, Renée, I just don't want to feel like this every time I see your mug.

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What's Up, Smashbox Master Class Palette III?

I was forced to shclep my lazy ass across town to the ol' Sephora today, because I was dangerously low on the love of my life, the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er. I've shoved 10 months of use in a six month expiration bag with that puppy, and it was way past friggin' time. Drier than a bone status.

While I was re-upping on my homie, OF COURSE my eyes had to wander over the rest of the store's offerings. What am I, a nun? While on this peruse-fest, my eyeballs fell upon a true beauty: the Smashbox Master Class Palette III -- Color & Contour. I really was in no mood to purchase this mofo. It's $65, and I'm not exactly at Scrooge McDuck-levels of wealth right now.

But when I cracked this b open, I knew I was sold. Guess I'll eat garbage the rest of the month. Whatever. The first thing that you see are several tutorial sheets on how to do a bunch of fun shit like contouring and specific fancy eyeball things. The back cover has blank face charts so you can create your own little makeup looks. So artsy! It's very fashion plates-y and exciting.

Then you get to the real good good. Try to contain your oooooh and ahhhhs. TRY, I SAY!

What really convinced be to get this thing was the wide variety of shades in shadows and the inclusion of not only three totally wearable blushes, but also completely matte versions of a countour color, bronzer and highlighter. It's pretty much as close to perfection as anything can get for my ass. And eyelids. And face parts.

 I decided to just play around a tiny bit with some of the brighter and more unique colors. I really like a solid 97% of the shadows, and I feel like it might make my mediocre ass branch out a little more and use more color on my eyes.

I also took a hot minute to throw some contour/highlight/blush-type characters on my mug. Everything blends really, really well, and I feel like it will work well for most skin tones. My very fair and deeper skinned peeps, you might want to check the palette in person to see if the countouring shades would work for you.

Overall, here's my justification for getting this b: if I'm paying $50-ish a palette for ten-ish shadows, why in effs sake would I not plop down 15 more clams for, like, four times as much shit? This is a no doy for me. Broke assness be damned.

If you want to see all the specifics on this baby, check it here.



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FYI: My All-Time Favorite Acne Treatment Is Now Available At Sephora

now available at sephora for $39.50!

I'm super excited for the faces of the world today. Well, the acne-prone ones (like my ass), anyway. MY RIDE-OR-DIE, MOST FAVORITE, UNICORN RAINBOW BABY ACNE TREATMENT IS NOW AVAILABLE AT SEPHORA. I'm talking about my homie CLEAROGEN, which I have told your brains about before, and how damn much I love it. I won't be boring and reiterate every friggin' thing I already told you, but I wanted to share this awesome news.

CLEAROGEN actually sent me one of these new kits (they're a little smaller and cheaper than the doctor-sold OG version), and the prods are exactly the same. Just different packaging.  

And I'm not just blowing smoke up your no no's about this stuff. My skin has been an absolute terror, like stuff that dermatologist's nightmares are made from, since I've moved to Arizona. I finally got my proverbial shit together and re-introduced CLEAROGEN back into by life, and my skin has gotten much, much better. I'll do a longer post on everything I've been doing later.

If you're one of my fellow acne-ridden sisters or bro bros, go check this more affordable ($39.50) option at Sephora. Yesssssss. Let's all slather it on together and say, "Bye, bitch," to our acne.

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How To Get Yo' (Makeup-Wearing) Mug To Last All Day

There are few things worse than spending a big ol' chunk of time on your makeup, only to discover that it was all in vain by lunch, because that sh*t is fading like a mofo. Don't let yourself me the poster child for a sad sack of a made-up face, and check out how to keep your face on your face.

All Primed Ever-y-thang

Primer is super-important when it comes to making your 'face' last into eternity. It's like the foundation...to your foundation (ugh x2). I know I have told your asses two billion times before, but using Urban Decay's Eyeshadow Primer Potion (urban decay, $10-$20) is a game changer when it comes to your eye makeup. It makes that gross creasing sh*t a thing of the past, all while intensifying shadows and keeping all of your eye stuffs in check. Seriously, as long as I have two pennies to rug together I WILL BUY THIS SH*T.

As far a foundation primer goes, I have had some issues with those bad boys. The only primer I have ever found to not melt right off of my insanely oily face is this one from Murad. But if you're oily-faced and ballin' on a budget, I find that applying a little pressed powder to your face pre-liquid foundation really cuts down on shine and that b*tch of an oily/blotchy/muddy mess that tends to happen to the sebum-inflicted ladies.

If you are a normal-to-dry person, goody on you. You really have your pick of primers. It's a great way to get a smooth canvas before your foundation application train starts rolling. Just skip putting it on your eyelids -- that's just asking for more creases in your eyeshadow than A.C. Slater had in his pleated Z Cavariccis.

Set It Off

If I'm looking at a long-ass day ahead of me, I know that I will be finishing my face with a setting spray. It's like a hairspray for your face, without actually using hairspray on your face. My favorite setting spray is far and away Model in a Bottle ($18-$21). I've been using this good good for what feels like forever, and it's completely mandatory for me on special occasions/hot and humid/never-ending days. I've tried other brands, but they can all take a seat, because I love this sh*t.

Lips For Days

Long wear lipsticks have come a long ass mf-ing way, you guys. Gone are the days of the chunky, gross lips of yesteryear. And I have found a couple of truly ride-or-die, crazy long-lasting lipsticks that will last forever, ever.

Kat von D makes (made?) a great, lasting lip called Everlasting Love Liquid Lipstick (one pictured is Outlaw) that I CAN'T FIND ANY-DAMN-WHERE, except for on amazon for, like, $2.5 million dollars. Here's another kitty Kat lip that seems semi-similar, but let us all wish on a Magic 8 Ball that Sephora brings the OG back.

I was sampled the hot pink goodness above that is MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Rouge in Fuchsia (Sephora, $24) a while back, and it's still a staple for me when it comes to a statement lip.

The color is really intense, and it will last a looooong ass time, from A.M. coffee times to glass whatever-your-life-is-about of wine. Or until the cows come home. I don't know how you mark your time. But, if you yearn for a NeverEnding (lip) Story, this lipstick is the one for you.

Do you guys have any tips for a long-lating face game? Spill your secrets in the comments, or forever hold your peace and be selfish.




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Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs

 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."

Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.

Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:

And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.

Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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New Badass Skin Care Line Alert -- Drunk Elephant

 First off, you can't even hate on a brand that has "drunk" in its name.

 It's effin' impossible.  Here's the deal on this COMING OUT TODAY brand -- it's not some cheap ass drugstore skin care, but it's super legit.

drunk elephant virgin marula luxury face oil, $72

Here's a little about the line from the founder, Tiffany, who is pretty much my opposite (AKA really nice and smart):

The name Drunk Elephant is rooted in a myth that says that elephants love to eat the fruit that has fallen from the Marula trees. Once eaten, fermentation occurs inside their very large tummies and the elephants become drunk!

Virgin Marula oil, straight from the "pip", can be found throughout our line. It is an oil that I believe is superior to ANY I’ve tried due to the high content of fatty acids and antioxidants. It soaks right in. I’m in love with it. The products are all safe, completely unscented and non-irritating. I hand-picked almost every ingredient in this line. There is no doubt about it, Drunk Elephant was developed with lots of care and love and a large dose of determination.

Drunk Elephant Skin Care represents what I would use on my own skin and what really works for me. It is safe, minimal, effective, and non-toxic. I know I’ll be looking no further for the perfect skin care routine–for I have finally found it. I hope you will love the Drunk Elephant system; finding yourself looking forward to the ease of using it every day, getting real results and not wanting to be without it.

Bottom line, here's the badassery regarding this line -- there's no bullsh*t in it. I'm talking no sulfates, parabens, fragrance, yada yada. You can see the entire long ass list of grossness that's been blacklisted here.

I was lucky enough sample this line, and my favorites are the C-Firma Day Serum, TLC Framboos Glycolic Night Serum, and the Virgin Marula Luxury Face Oil. I'm not doing a real and proper review on these b's yet, because I haven't been using them long enough, but I wanted to bring the newness to your attention so you could get that sh*t hot off the presses. 

Here's another bonus: For a sneak preview of these goodies in temporary packaging, you can get 15% off of everything by using the code SNEAKPEEK until they're gone. The REAL REAL isn't launched until September, so scoop this sh*t up while the gettin' is good, man. 

 

 

You can chiggidy check all the Drunk Elephant products here.

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Random Homie: Clearogen Acne Treatment

Writing skincare reviews is hard as hell, you guys. Errrbody up in here has different skin, so I can't win them all. And I am frequently sent skin products that I'm sure are friggin' amazing, but because of my old ass, acne-prone, oily, nast skin, they don't work for ME. And then I can't share them with YOU, because I don't write fake crap. So when the peeps at Clearogen sent me a set of their acne treatment system to try, I was not super sold on it. It's a three part deal, so I was all, "I've tried Proactive like TWO MILLION times. It doesn't work for me."

clearogen two month supply set, $75

But I tried it anyway. It consists of a foaming cleanser, toner (both of which have some salicylic acid), and a benzoyl peroxide lotion. Sounds pretty basic, I know, but crap works. When I use these boo boos every night (listen, I'm a lazy b, it doesn't ALWAYS happen) as directed, my skin is pretty much 100% clear. Which just typically isn't in the effing cards for me, people.

I even conducted a little experiment and sacrificed my own skin to see if it was really the Clearogen working. I intentionally would stop using it for a week, and see if there was a difference. There totally was. I would, within a few days, start getting those annoying ass tiny bumps across my forehead, and then start breaking out. I don't know how this ish works -- probably tiny elves, riding on unicorns, with magic wands that shoot rainbows. Or this:



Full disclosure -- I didn't watch that, but I'm sure it's very informative and scientific. Truth is, I don't even care how it works. I'm just glad it does. I'm sadly almost out of my sample set, so I will actually be purchasing this magical goodness soon. Which is saying a lot. I have roughly 92,384,032 beauty prods, so I rarely buy more stuff. It's got to be MAGICAL UNICORN STATUS to make me spend more money, and this stuff is.

Yep, that good. Find out more about Clearogen here. And learn about the science and such, if you must, smarty pants.

P.S. Lance Bass uses this stuff, so you know it's the good good. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO SPACE.

 

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Random Homie: Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel in Original Formula

Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Face Peel, $15-$78

I know that it seems as if I'm always bitching about the sh*tiness of my skin, and I'm trying to get better about. Like, at least I have a face. But if my new BFFs from Dr. Dennis Gross keep sending me bomb ass products like the Alpha Beta Daily Face Peel, I might not even have to whine anymore. Let's get a quote from the man to see what this stuff is all about:

“This anti-aging product not only diminishes the appearance of wrinkles, but helps complexion problems, balances oil, tones skin, and increases clarity and radiance. Plus, it proves a daily, gentle approach can give superior results vs. a harsh approach. Like exercising daily is better than a long workout once a week, it’s better to treat your skin daily."  - Dr. Dennis Gross

Dammit, I have to workout more. But I can tell you, coming from the crappy skin queen, that this product made a big ol' difference on my mean, mean mug. I mostly noticed that the discoloration I had from old breakouts have waaaaay faded, and my skin just looks more clear. Plus, it feels soft as a kitten's butt. And if you're on a budget, Dr. Gross now offers a little mini pack of five treatments for $15. Not too shabby, yo'.

Oh, and if you're worried about the degree of difficulties on something that sounds semi-ominous, have no fears. YOU WIPE YOUR FACE, WAIT TWO MINUTES, AND WIPE WITH ANOTHER WIPE. You've got this, brain surgeons. Check out all of the peel goodness here.



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Random Homie: Dr. Dennis Gross Clarifying Colloidal Sulfur Mask

Clarifying Colloidal Sulfur Mask, $42

Who doesn't love a good face mask? (No, not like a Halloween deal-y, although those are pretty dope -- yep, I went there -- too. Except for the rubbery smell when you're wearing them. Not dope.) I've tried my fair share of the sulfur-based masks for acne skin, and I'm usually pretty friggin' "meh" over most of them. They can be overly-drying, or give you that red post-mask weird face thing, that kind of makes you look like you're just wearing a reddish mask upon your mug. So, when the Dr. Gross peeps sent me this mask to try, I was a little worried that it would be one of those culprits. But, no suh (that's my southern twang), it wasn't, to my delight. And better yet, my skin looks instantly cleaner and brighter after using this mask. But let's hear from the experts what it does:

A dermatologist formulated mask that clarifies the skin by absorbing excess oil and acne-causing bacteria. The advanced “time absorbent” formula works especially well when worn overnight.

I also tried it overnight, and it wasn't weird at all. But I feel like the ten minute job does everything it needs to just fine. You can also use it to spot treat blemishes, and it totally shrinks them. Even my big ass gross ones. The dispenser took some getting used to -- it's like a flat pump with a little hole thing that you just push down on to get the goodness out. I'm kind of a dumbass, so I was flipping that sh*t all around like an freaking baton to try to get the pump to work. The good thing is, you just need to leave that b upright and push down. Let me do all of the hard work for your ass, mmmmkay?

Check out the mask for yourself here.



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Random Homie: PureCeuticals Multi-Enzyme Pumpkin Peel

PureCeuticals Pumpkin Peel, $42

I don't mean to harp, but I have sh*tty skin. So whenever I find something that makes it feel or look better, I am on freakin' board, man. And I also like to try skin products multiple times before I give them my glowing endorsement. (See what I did there? I'm the worst.) PureCeuticals sent me some products to try a while back, and I feel totally and unabashedly in love (Can you tell I've been reading classics?)  with this Pumpkin Peel. I've used it probably four times, and it is awesome. It not only makes you feel like you rubbed Fall all over your damn face, but it makes my mug feel supa dupa soft. You only use it once a week, so although the price isn't cheap, it should last your ass a while. And all of the PureCeuticals products are free from:

• No Parabens
• No Sulphates
• Products not tested on animals
• No Petrochemicals
• Fragrance composed with 100% essential oils
• Environmentally Conscience

I love the tingle it gives me (my face, sicko), but if you have very sensitive skin, you might need to pass on this lil' baby. But oily, dry, norms, whatever peeps -- peel on, yo'! I just had a baby sample, so I'm about one more peel away from feeling like this:



Until I buy the big daddy...Then my face will once again have purpose.


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Random Homie: Skin Authority Daily Cleanser

Have I mentioned that my skin is total ish? Oh, yeah -- I have -- about 239,206 times. Yay! Because of this mess of a face, I have to be extremely careful about the products that I use. I first tried the Skin Authority Daily Cleanser when they sent me a travel sample several months ago. I was really into it, so I ended up buying the full size when I ran out. It's not cheap ($42 for 6 oz.), but a little bit of this stuff goes a loooong way. I have been using the tube for at least five months, and it still feels pretty much full. It also has a little bit of Glycolic Acid in it, so it really helps exfoliate and deeply clean the skin, which is EXACTLY what my grossness needs. When I use the Daily Cleanser with my Clarisonic, my face feels super crazy clean. And soft!

"I'm clean! I'm clean!"

I have tried other cleansers over the past months, but I just keep coming back to my ol' standby. The others just haven't been as good for me. So pretty much what I'm saying is, once you go to this dude, you never go back. (Or something else that rhymes more appropriately.)



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Go, girl! (Yes, I just said "Go, girl." What do you want from me? I'm old.)

 I've never really had an opinion one way or the other regarding AnnaLynne McCord of (new) 90210 fame. In fact, I had to google her name like three times to figure out how to spell her damn name properly. This is how I'm used to 90210:

I prefer my 90210 with a heaping lot of Brenda, with a side of OOOOOONdrea Zuckerman. But ALMC recently tweeted a bare-faced pic of herself:

And I have to say, kudos to you, kiddo. Or KADOOZE as Real Housewife Ramona Singer would say.



I'm over celebs tweeting photos with flawless bare skin, and rubbing in all of our average faces. Like, we get it people, you are flawless. Great. I already hate myself enough. What more do you want from me? So I give uber points to ALMC for showing her real face, even if that includes a little uneven skintone LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING.

So to you, ALMC, I say, "Go, girl!"


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