My Favorite Dry Hair Treatment Is Cheap As Hell

I recently bought a semi-expensive-ass hair mask/treatment/thing (don't worry, I'll tell you all about it if it's magical), but I don't even know why the f I'm playing with my own money. My favorite hair treatment costs a few dollars. Also, you can eat it.

Don't start sending me cases of those "crazy pills" you can buy from Spencer's yet, I'm not scooping out handfuls of Herbal Essence and ramming it into my pie hole, or anything. But while you're at the mall, make sure you pop a couple bottles of Sun Ripened Raspberry body spray from Bath and Body Works for old time's sake. Pour out a little for your homie Teddy Ruxspin, and shit. Maybe even for cassette tapes, while you're at it.

What am I even talking about?

Olive oil -- I'm talking about GD olive oil as a treatment for dry-as-hell hair. Actually, send my those pills. I think I need them.

Here's how to get moisturized, shiny hair from your kitchen cabinet:

Just get whatever-the-hell olive oil you feel like using or have on hand. You don't have to use my bougie-ass organic stuff, it just has to be made from squished-up olives.

Then, if you have long hair, make a ponytail with your ol' thirsty hair at the crown of your head. I do this to avoid getting oil on my scalp, and making the oily mess of my roots even worse. This way you can target the dry ends of your mop really easily, and it saves a ton of time. (LAZIES 4LYFE.)

Next, start applying the oil. I start with a half-handful-ish amount and go from there. How much you'll need depends on the length/texture/whatever, you've been through this shit, of your hair. Use the amount that gets it nice and saturated and feels appropriate. You know how you do.

After you've reached the level of oiliness that you feel comfortable with, put your hair in a bun and let it marinate like a sexy chicken breast. (Do you marinate stuff in olive oil? How am I an adult?)

I let it do it's damn thing for at least 30 minutes. If you want, you can go longer, you can put it in a shower cap, you can add heat to help it penetrate (heh). Put it in a Laura Ingalls Wilder bonnet for all I care, just let it sit for at least 30 minutes to work its magic.

After at least one Judy Judge episode, finish by shampooing and conditioning like you would on a regular day. You don't have to skip conditioner or your normal styling shit, you do your thing.

Here are the ultimate results:

Listen, this is as glossy and hydrated as my sad-sack, abused strands get. I have insanely hard water and have bleached/dyed my hair to hell and back, so this is the equivalent of a Rapunzel wig sprouting out of my head.

Not to mention, you probably already have olive oil in your kitchen. You really should, so you can make yourself a celebratory Caprese salad, or some shit, afterward.

Huzzah!




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Get Your Asses In Gear, It's Already That Time -- Allure Beauty Blogger Awards 2014 Has Begun!

you too can creepily take pics of andre leon talley! plus, products for dayzzzzz.

I seriously CANNOT believe that it is already time for the Allure Beauty Blogger Award (version 2014) once again. That means it has been a solid two years since my raggedy ass decided to submit myself, and that is completely mind boggling (bloggering? zing!) to me. Entering, and then winning, this contest has been the actual highlight of my life, and I really can't even tell you enough how all of you mean mugs should enter if you fancy yourself a beauty blogger.

The process to enter is very easy, or you know that my lazy ass wouldn't have even attempted. And if you're all, "I'm not even that great of a blogger. Why bother? Pshhhaw on all of this," I say to you...



Put yourself out there. Give that sh*t a shot. At worst, nothing comes of it. At best, you have THE BEST EFFING EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE. I got to do things that I never could have even dreamed of in 2.3 million years, seriously. Go over to Allure right this second and check out all of the details on the contest this year.

I love you all dearly, and I only want the best for all of your damn lives, so do you and go do this. That's as close to a motivational message that you'll ever get from my old, crotchety ass. Now, get off my lawn!








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Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs

 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."

Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.

Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:

And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.

Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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