This Is Literally Renée Zellweger

You know when people are all, "This is LITERALLY the worst day of my life," when really the Starbucks barista gave them an (Ariana) grande instead of a venti (AKA A LARGE), or some shit? Well, they're using 'literally' wrong. And you probably think I'm in that same boat. Because there's no damn way that this is literally and actually Renée Zellweger.

BUT YOU'RE WRONG, BRO.

Listen, I am the first person to say that if you feel like effing around with your face, do the damn thing. I don't care. It's your face. What the hell do I care? But the fact that I thought that this was Robin Wright and Christina Applegate's first cousin is slightly problematic. And not through marriage.

RZ hasn't been in a movie since 2010, so I don't know what her life is all about. The singular thing that I do know is that her signature Zellweger squint started bumping "Since U Been Gone" and peaced out this bitch sometime in the last four years. And that I would love to get my hands on her eyebrows.

Live your life and do what you want, Renée, I just don't want to feel like this every time I see your mug.

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Nick Carter Gets Married, Looks...Different.

pic via intouch

Apparently Nick Carter (of Backstreet Boys, you animal!) married this person yesterday. Is that what they wore to their wedding? Or was this some kind of paid-after-wedding-club-appearance? Oh, who gives a shit. We've got bigger fish to fry...Like Nicky's face happenings.

Listen, we're all getting to be old mofos. NC and I are about the same age, so I feel you, dude. But it's not even that he's looking decrepit in the mug, so much, just different. Like Ryan Seacrest and an attractive, yet hairless, cartoon wolverine had a baby.

Also, what kind of insane in the membrane bitch am I that I'm really irritated by the cake? The "Nick" should be on the black part and the "Lauren" should be on the pink, and they should be standing on their respective sides. GET YOUR DAMN LIVES TOGETHER. Unless...it shouldn't? I fancy myself a progressive person. Do whatever, Backstreet Boys alums. I can't be bothered.



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My Life Has Been Pointless Until This Moment, Because Someone (Maybe) Captured A Chupacabra!

Let's be honest. You couldn't even focus on the alleged mythical beast after peeping the more mythical scene on JaQuée's head.(I'm assuming that's the legitimate spelling of Jackie's name.) Is that a teased George Washington wig? If so, get me some wooden teeth and pass me one, because homegirl is the definition of perfection. I want in.

Listen, I don't know what the shit that thing is in the cage, but I'm sure as hell not trusting Arlen Parma's opinion on anything. LAUGH IT UP, ARLEN. THIS IS NO JOKE. You better keep those hater blockers on to protect yourself from my searing eyeballs.

But you know what is a joke? This.

Where did they get this artist's rendering? A late night anime show on Cartoon Network? A pre-teen boy's biology notebook cover? Whoever dragged this effery out of the trash needs to take several damn seats. Quit playing.

The chupacabra bids you good day, news people, and so do I. I really have to go work on some shit. Chupy and I have a ton of new pics to post on our joint "Fans of Queen JaQuée" Instagram account.



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Awkward Celebrity Photos: Starring A Fake (???) Brit Brit, Gaga, And Co-Starring Celebrity Dudes

Lady Gaga tweeted this weekend about going to see Brit Brit's Vegas show, and later posted this picture of the two of them (ALLEGEDLY) on her website. But something is really, really weird here...

via littlemonsters.com

I feel like I'm looking at either a) celebrity impersonators, or b) a Britney Spears and Lady Gaga wax figures shoved next to each other. I call shenanigans on what is being called Brit's face. NOPE. This whole picture feels like ten pounds of weirdness shoved into a creepy five pound bag. Go call the guv-nah, because this sh*t is fishier than the Little Mermaid's birthday party guest list.

This isn't even the end of the celebrity strange. Here's the odd combo of Leonardo Dicaprio (in that f*cking HAT), Bradley Cooper (looking straight mid-2000s), and Lenny Kravtiz (wearing a possible choke collar).

via lk's facebook page

This picture is just begging for a game of bang, marry, kill, so shall we? Here's what I'm thinking:

• Bang -- Leo, because I wouldn't want to live with him. He seems like he would be really particular about where you put his dumb hats and would have a refrigerator filled with only roasted star fruit, or some sh*t.
• Marry -- Lenny. He's hot, seems pretty cool and non-irritating, except for the fact that he's hanging out with these two.
• Kill -- Bradley, because I just have a feeling about that homeboy. He always has semi-to-full douche face. And he goes by BRADLEY.

Now you guys play. What are your choices for bang, marry, kill? And is Britney's face looking super un-Brit-Brit-like, or am I insane in the mf-ing membrane (again)?

Tell me all these things.




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Who the Eff is This Person?

via lana's instagram

Seriously, would you have EVER guessed that this person above is Lana del Rey? I would have sworn it was either Heidi Montag or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader engaged in a quick glamour shots sesh. Maybe it's the fact that she's smiling, too. I don't think I have ever seen homegirl's teeth. She could have a grill for all I know, and be in the St. Lunatics. I don't really know her life like that.

I highly recommend following celebrities on instagram, because they can't help themselves from posting completely insane nonsense every ten minutes. It's not your Angelfire web diary set to private, people. I can see your ass. Speaking of, if you would like to follow the likes of my boringness on instagram, you can follow me at instagram.com/lilshan and see such nation treasures as this.

Did you guys notice that I like to keep my phone charge in the high ninetieth percentile? That's how I roll in this mother effer. (Or no one ever texts/calls/emails me. It's whatevs.)

P.S. Sorry for being so sh*tty about posting lately. I've been working my literal a-hole off (it fell off) at my retail job for the holidays. I've also got some other personal ish going on, which I may/may not ever talk about. But I'll try to be a lot less sh*tty. (Keyword: TRY.)



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Where's My Dirty B, and Who is This Imposter?!?

pic via daily mail

This is ALLEGEDLY a picture of Ke$ha, but I'm calling shenanigans on that mess. I mean, her lady flower is covered up with fabric that isn't made from fishnet! She's wearing a BUTTONED UP COLLAR! HER HAIR IS FRESHLY LAUNDERED! She has an effin' blow out. No, this is not Ke$ha. This isn't even Kesha. I think that this is Stephanie Pratt from The Hills.

AmIright? Someone hurry and get Ke$ha some glitter before this ish gets out of hand. Is there a glitter and dirt shortage right now? Maybe that would explain it. I officially look 250% dirtier than Ke$ha right now. What is happening???



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This is What's Happening Now.

Pic via Buzz Feed

Four people, (or even better, one person four times) googled "Dr. Fellatio" to get to this blog. What am I doing with my life?

P.S. I'm pretty sure it wasn't this cat, but one can never be sure.



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And You Are? Leighton Meester Edition

Blair Waldorf would never co-host some high falutin' (Darn tootin' I said that.) party with period face. Pin It

Get My Sharpie.

 

Time for my dogs to up their eyebrow game. 

Edit: Crap. You can't use a hot phrase like "eyebrow game" twice. B's notice that.

via buzzfeed

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OH. MY.

Story on your boyfriend here. Pin It

I Just Can't.

There are so many reasons that this is sad.

via buzzfeed Pin It

Listen, Ke(I wish I had a cents sign on my keyboard)ha...

Nude hosiery are not a substitute for pants. Not even on the fence about this one. Even Lindsay Lohan is all, "Bitch, please." on this.

P.S. I can see too much. Things that can't be unseen. Pin It

Whooo? How? Uhhh...

So many questions. How does Jess Squared know each other? What are they talking about? Why are they strolling about Yale's campus? Is J. Simp REALLY wearing red denim cutoffs? Why am I 30 years old and I am coveting Honor's headband? I feel mind f'ed right now. Pin It