Let's Talk About This New Lana Del Rey "Tropico" Ish

Warning: NSFW due to things like boobies and roughly 10 million effs, but life is kind of NSFW, offices of America. Revolt! (I'm just getting you prepared for the high drama.)

Warning #2: This mess is 30 minutes long, so get comfortable. Or break it up into segments to watch during your pee pee times.



That was a long ass haul, but I happened to watch all of it, and I don't watch all of much. The first scene featured a unicorn, so did I even have a frigging choice in this matter? If you are too time-cheap to invest 30 minutes into watching, here's the Cliff's Notes version:

Lana and a little skinny guy, who I'm guessing is an H&M model, or something, are in the Garden of Eden wearing my Halloween costume from 2002. (This is not a lie. I wish I had a picture.) They're joined by Faux-arilyn Monroe, Fake-lvis and Non-John Wayne. Oh, and Jesus. Jesus is there. Lana takes a bite of the proverbial forbidden fruit, or whatever, and...scene.

She's now a stripper in a club with fire hazard-ly low ceilings, and HAS TEARDROP TATTOOS on her face, which happen to be my favorite accessory.

There's probably a late 90's Ice Cube song playing in this place. Skinny model guy works at some low-rent store where shirtless dudes come in and do possible crank/angel dust/something I don't even know about from the front counter. He also points plungers around like a fake gun. Sometimes Lana sits on the low-rent store's counter in oversized t-shirts, BECAUSE JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A STRIPPER DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S SLUTTY. Skinny's probably getting a raise soon. At some point a Day of the Dead party is attended. A robbery of boring old white men (some with Brad-Pitt-circa-1997-highlights) is planned, using the ol' stripper/armed robbery switcharoo.

Next we find Skinny and Lana in a Bonnie and Clyde-esque car driving through a field, while Lana discards the old parts of their former thug life, ending with her taking off the black chiffon thingy she's wearing. Now they're wearing white, because they're now dead/innocent again. OBVIOUSLY. But don't worry, the tattoo tear drops are still kicking it and staying alive, unlike them. There's wheat field dancing, water play (not peeing though), and finally ascending to heaven, or Non-John Wayne's rifle storage shed. I'm not really sure.

Overall, I was pretty, pretty into this hootenanny. I know some people are not jumping on the LDR train, but I happen to have bought a round trip ticket with no refunds. Not to mention, this mini movie featured her song "Gods and Monsters," and that just happens to be my sh*t.

Judge me if you feel the need, PHAEDRA. What did you guys think? Like/hate/meh? Too long to watch, even for teardrop tattoos? (You need to re-evaluate your priorities.)








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Who the Eff is This Person?

via lana's instagram

Seriously, would you have EVER guessed that this person above is Lana del Rey? I would have sworn it was either Heidi Montag or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader engaged in a quick glamour shots sesh. Maybe it's the fact that she's smiling, too. I don't think I have ever seen homegirl's teeth. She could have a grill for all I know, and be in the St. Lunatics. I don't really know her life like that.

I highly recommend following celebrities on instagram, because they can't help themselves from posting completely insane nonsense every ten minutes. It's not your Angelfire web diary set to private, people. I can see your ass. Speaking of, if you would like to follow the likes of my boringness on instagram, you can follow me at instagram.com/lilshan and see such nation treasures as this.

Did you guys notice that I like to keep my phone charge in the high ninetieth percentile? That's how I roll in this mother effer. (Or no one ever texts/calls/emails me. It's whatevs.)

P.S. Sorry for being so sh*tty about posting lately. I've been working my literal a-hole off (it fell off) at my retail job for the holidays. I've also got some other personal ish going on, which I may/may not ever talk about. But I'll try to be a lot less sh*tty. (Keyword: TRY.)



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Lana del Rey Makeup Tutorial

I have been straight up obsessed with Lana lately. I don't know WTF my deal is, so I did a little LDR tutorial. Oh, and Lana, we all know that your lips aren't "bee stung." Quit playing, boo.

And then watch Lana's new (controversial) video for Ride. I can't quit this b.





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So This Happened...

According to X17 Online, last night Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga, and Lana Del Rey had a sleepover at Chateau Marmont. During this CRAZY, crazy sleepover, they reportedly were "watching old movies and playing board games." Oh, ish! Hold me back. Below is an artist's (my) representation of what happened last night.

Oh, damn. GIRL TALK? This mess just got real.

If Mall Madness was up in that piece, I'm going to be jealous as hell. I wanted Mall Madness SO FREAKIN' BADLY, and my mom said it was too expensive. Sigh. Such a c-block of board game bitchin'-ness.




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Oh, Lana del Rey...

Lana del Rey just released her new music video for National Anthem, in which she portrays herself as Jackie O or something. I love any retro, grainy-type ish, so I'm pretty into it.

But here's my deal. I just can't decide if this b is my soul mate, and I want to split a Fun Dip with her, or if I want to slap the pout out of her face. Lannie can rock some talons, though. That is one thing of which I AM certain.

What are you guys feeling on this?



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"Young lady, you better wipe that puss off of your face right this instant!"

Okay, I just kind of wanted to use that phrase, because I am forever 12. Don't believe me?

This is what I'm wearing on my hand right now. I seriously hate myself. Anyway, enough about me. Let's ish on someone else for a while, shall we?

In case you have caught yourself unaware (How dare you?!?!?), this is Lana del Rey at last night's Met Gala. She is a (kind of ) indie singer, that people like to hate on. I ACTUALLY like this b, but come on, kitten. Is life so hard? YOU ARE AT AN EFFING PARTY, SWEETS. And you're wearing a badass cape. Do you know how much I wish I were wearing a cape right now? And sparkly other crap?

I'm wearing yoga pants and a damn child's bow ring. And I'm in my thirties. Buck up, kid. You've got it pretty good.

And you're pretty. So take your freakin' crabby pants off. Maybe try yoga pants. Them b's is comfy!

P.S. Whaddup to Natalie Portman's peplum-ed out face twin behind you. I see you, b!


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