Just in case you were of the mindset that Mizz Britney Spears was done with being a sexpot, YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG.
Soak in all of this moment. The dress! The typical Britney-esque "I have no idea how to pose" pose! That she's winning a GD FASHION AWARD! What a choker-wearing card. That's my girl.
And here, she's all, "Someone come get this child and tell her to stop staring at me. She's killing my hair vibe." Everyone knows that laser beams from the eyeballs of children make one's hair fall flat.
P.S. Am I supposed to know the identity of any of those humans in the background? Ol' cactus blouse looks like Giovanni Ribisi's little cousin. I'm too old for this shit.
P.P.S. What the hell is a Twist magazine? I need a nap and a fiber supplement to get through this life.
P.P.P.S. Whoever spilled that bottle of water under Brit Brit's chair shall pay. SHALL PAY, I TELL YOU.
I'm not going to pretend that this "Woman Crush Wednesday" thing is going to be a weekly deal, because let's be real -- I suck at consistency, and I also got a hybrid emotional reaction of bored and annoyed when I typed the phrase "Woman Crush Wednesday." So, let's just see how this goes.
I really just wanted to highlight some of the favorite times that my eyeballs have ever had, and most of them are courtesy of Mizz Britney Spears. Because if you can't get behind giant white tube socks and possible Sketchers Step Ups™ paired with hair so tousled it looks like that of a person dwelling with dinosaurs, then I don't even know what you stand for anymore. This is why my eyes exist. They live for this shit.
Now, shall we?
My absolute favorite Brit Brit is experienced in the times when she's being her true self, and homie is never more herself than when leaving a Starbucks. Would humans even know of Starbucks if it weren't for this angel among us? If they haven't given this woman a black card filled to the brim with a lifetime supply of free Frapps, then they are all a bunch of GD Jon Snows.
Here's my BFF demonstrating another reason I love her so much -- she doesn't have a clue how to wear clothes. It's adorable. It's like she's never seen any of the following: a magazine, a mannequin, another person, an American Girl doll, Winnie the Pooh (okay, maybe; he doesn't wear pants) or Fashion Plates. I hate when someone else dresses her. Like this:
Okay, I just lied right to your face, because I love this. I'm not a monster. Levi Strauss' ghost came through a portal from the spirit world just to witness this moment. (I'm assuming.)
The final reason BS is best -- she's like a glittery unicorn personified:
Sweet!
Colorful!
Literally glittery!
But honest with her emotions. Just like a unicorn.
Okay, so Wiggy Gardenia is actually my dog's stage name. Iggy Azalea is the one on this track, but I think Wiggy would have been a solid choice. Plus, she has a better acting range than Iggs.
We need to get real about this video. Brit Brit's weave situation changes THREE TIMES without so much as one outfit switch. Who in eff's sake was wig wrangling on this set? (My money is on either Jayden James or Daddy Spears.)
P.S. If that shot on the left isn't the cover of a late-'90s porn video, I know nothing about anything.
I'm actually kind of into the Earth Girls are Easy vibe of the whole thing, but JESUS GOD, what are these speaking parts? No one should be talking in this shit. No one. Not even you, lavender lipstick and earrings/bang deal girl. No one.
But especially not Iggy. Her whole, "I can turteelaaay fux it fur yeeeeew," and also the, "Laht me call yewr fran," made my brain quit this bitch and fall out of my ear hole. I first typed whole, so you know that it's true. She sounds like a German person doing an impression of an Australian person doing a Valley Girl accent.
On a positive note, at least Brit was excited for her alien abduction.
Okay, so "breaking news" might be a bit of a stretch. This was a week ago, but have you met me? I'm the worst and also roughly 0.002% timely. But maybe you find it charming? (Insert that closed-eyed emoji thing. What is that thing supposed to rep, shame? It's what my dog does when she's embarrassed as f about pooping in the house, then just keeps pooping in the house, so I'll go with shame.)
Anyway, here's Britney Spears, warming all of our disgusting hearts with the warm sunshine of her awkwardly-cuffed jeans. If you don't love this woman after seeing her traipse around a GD soccer field with the plebs wearing probable Candie's™ wedges and sipping on a red Gatorade, then I don't even have words for your face anymore.
If you can't recognize a heavenly being walking among us like a damn episode of Touched by an Angel, then I must bid you good day, sir.
P.S. I was looking for a gif to insert here, as I am wont to due, when I came across this:
And I was all, "I love that. It's like I made it...myself. Oh, shit. I made that. Myself." Aaaaaaaand scene. Good day. I need some wine.
Happy National Britney Jean Spears Day! (It's not an official national holiday, but it is in my heart.) Today is Brit Brit's 33rd birthday, so I will be celebrating in the only way that I know how -- by counting down my top ten favorite things about the world's biggest Cheetos lover.
Let's talk about all Britney everythang.
#10 -- The K Fed wedding
The Britney/K Fed era was a weird time, man. It brought about terrible things like that reality show, but also amazing treasures like this wedding picture. (Other wonders not pictured: tiara and glove-lettes.)
I really hope I can forget this moment one day. I still feel weird and sad about it.
When Britney gave Matt Lauer an interview in 2006, she got sad and cried over something (I can't be bothered to google what it was) like she is wont to do, and this resulted in a dangling fake eyelash hanging by a damn fiber from her eye. Whatever, shit happens. BUT THEN IT STAYED THAT WAY FOR THE DURATION OF THE INTERVIEW.
Does Brit not have a lash wrangler? Or a friend? Or a next-door neighbor to pop by for a cup of friggin' sugar? Damn people, that was cold.
#8 -- "Oops!...I Did It Again" acting
Brit's acting starting at 2:50 is one of my favorite things on Earth. I'm not joking even slightly. If I'm feeling shitty, I can watch just that few seconds of true thespian-ism and feel instantly better. And when the "OOPS, I..." starts in, it's like being born into a better universe.
P.S. Can we please take note of how hard current-day Ariana Grande is biting Britney's style from this video? Inappropriate on all levels.
#7 -- ACTING acting
CROSSROADS, YOU GUYS. CROSSROADS. Britney is wearing a bucket hat. I don't think I need to say anything more about this. #6 -- A fondness for chokers and frappuccinos
Brit has two loves in her life, both of which really bring her zero benefits. Firstly, homegirl LOVES frappuccinos more than anyone loves anything, really. She goes through periods when she's on boring diets and shit and goes without them, and when that happens, my heart breaks for her. It's like Rose letting ol' Jack Dawson drift off into a watery coffin in Titanic. (SPOILER ALERT!) But more sad.
Her second lover brings a simmering rage to my eyeballs like few things can, but when you love someone, you look past their truly horrific choker decisions. Brit doesn't care that chokers look terrible on her. She doesn't even care that all the chokers in her choker collection are dreadful.
She's simply about that choker life, and I respect her choices.
A video posted by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on
I've posted this Instagram video of Brit before, but there's no denying its extreme levels of adorableness. Her contributions to social media are often confusing and delightful. It's like your Gam Gam trying to use Facebook, AKA THE BEST.
#3 -- The sexiest MTV VMAs moment, ever
If you didn't die a thousand deaths when Brit ripped off that suit, I'm assuming it's because you weren't alive when it happened. Watching this still gives me chills, and I will not be judged for it. It was amazing.
#2 -- X Factor faces
Britney's faces were so fire on X Factor that there's an entire Tumblr dedicated to them. These are the only reactions I need in my life.
#1 -- Denim on denim on denim (with an assist from Justin Timberlake)
Nothing in history has ever been better than this moment. Try to find a single flaw in this photo. I Highlights-magazine-hidden-picture dare you. It's impossible.
Happy Birthday, Brit! Keep doing you.
Did I miss any of your favorite Britney moments? Let's talk more about our favorite person.
"Oh, hey, guys. I don't really get why everybody is all up on me about being over the top, and shit. I'm just being Miley. HAHAHHA. Remember that? But f'real, what's the big ol' deal about letting your boobs free? And wearing DIY pill googles? At night? And having a worrisome glitter-rash? Pshhaw, get a life, y'all. IT AIN'T NO THING." - Miley***
***Not a direct MiCy quote, so don't be pinning that crap to your inspirational Pinterest board (bored?), or whatever.
Listen, I actually can't find any effs to rub together that Miley is running around sans turtleneck. Or even dickie. Whatever. If you want to wear food-centric pasties until your nips quit that bitch, I really don't care. It's your silly-ass life.
But when homie posted this picture, I really COULD NOT cosign on the outlandish behavior.
Lady Gaga performed last night at SXSW (where a girl threw up on her for "art" purposes), and followed up the gig by making an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. After watching this interview, I'm feeling really torn about how I feel about Gaga at this point. I think she's super talented, and I feel like she actually has a sense of humor about herself, but something is bothering me. And it's not the vomit. Or the coffee filter dress. Or the pedicab leotard/fanny pack combo.
What is happening with her voice? It's like she's doing a weird Paris Hilton-esque baby affect, and I can't get behind that. I don't recall this being her typical voice, really, ever. Is she just trying something out, like the Madonna British thing? Maybe she had some dental work done? Maybe it's coffee filter reverb? Whatever the case, I hope this shit's not permanent. No one likes a sexy baby.
And speaking of lady pop angels that live on earth, if you've been wondering what Brit Brit has been up to (OF COURSE YOU HAVE), here's your answer.
Lady Gaga tweeted this weekend about going to see Brit Brit's Vegas show, and later posted this picture of the two of them (ALLEGEDLY) on her website. But something is really, really weird here...
I feel like I'm looking at either a) celebrity impersonators, or b) a Britney Spears and Lady Gaga wax figures shoved next to each other. I call shenanigans on what is being called Brit's face. NOPE. This whole picture feels like ten pounds of weirdness shoved into a creepy five pound bag. Go call the guv-nah, because this sh*t is fishier than the Little Mermaid's birthday party guest list.
This isn't even the end of the celebrity strange. Here's the odd combo of Leonardo Dicaprio (in that f*cking HAT), Bradley Cooper (looking straight mid-2000s), and Lenny Kravtiz (wearing a possible choke collar).
This picture is just begging for a game of bang, marry, kill, so shall we? Here's what I'm thinking:
Bang -- Leo, because I wouldn't want to live with him. He seems like he would be really particular about where you put his dumb hats and would have a refrigerator filled with only roasted star fruit, or some sh*t.
Marry -- Lenny. He's hot, seems pretty cool and non-irritating, except for the fact that he's hanging out with these two.
Kill -- Bradley, because I just have a feeling about that homeboy. He always has semi-to-full douche face. And he goes by BRADLEY.
Now you guys play. What are your choices for bang, marry, kill? And is Britney's face looking super un-Brit-Brit-like, or am I insane in the mf-ing membrane (again)?
As my breaking heart noticed the other night, Brit Brit was nowhere to be found at the VMAs this year. With JT pretty much posted up in that b*tch for 17 hrs on stage, I couldn't help but think of the world's most perfect moment that the public has ever witnessed, which happened to occur at the VMAs.
Nothing in the history of the world has ever, ever been so beautiful. Even the bodyguard-type dude in the background has a finger boner over Brit's divine purse.
The only logical place -- Tony Roma's. And wearing this beautiful outfit, which is really only suited to cleaning out the garage. This is totally an outfit created from lost and found items you'd have to wear if you forgot your P.E. clothes in middle school. C'mon, Brit.
You guys might've heard that Kevin Federline married his tall girlfriend over the weekend. (Somewhere, Shar Jackson is PISSED.) All of that is fine and good, I mean he also had a kid with Tally Talls (street name Victoria Prince, which is total 1996 Penthouse Pet name, and I mean that as a sincere complement), so "yay!" for due diligence, or something. But here's the meat and potatoes of the matter -- K FED IS LOOKING AIIIGHT.
But, considering star-shaped cornrows have been a viable hairstyle choice of his in the past, dude looks good.
Stars are for Lucky Charms, not hair shapes.
And there's a 0% chance of over-sized t-shirts in that b*tch, too, so I'm effing really happy.
But, I am disappointed to not see one of these klassy azz garter/mini dress pictures in the new Federline wedding photo album. (I'm lying. This sh*t was gross and unnecessary for all human and animal eyeballs.)
Bottom line, K Fed is making me feel like he's borderline hot here, with minimal white trash vibe. UPGRADE!
