Hey, Oily Faces: A Ranking Of The Best Non-Traditional Blotting Devices

It's hot as all get out in this b, as I'm sure you've noticed. This is not only spawning a 'pit stain epidemic, but it's also creating widespead cases of shiny faces. Wow, that was really the Dr. Seuss of oily skin sentences. I'm pretty sure my brain is even greasy at this point.

Because the oil times are high, you might find yourself caught completely sans blotting papers while shining bright like an oily ass diamond. If you happen to catch yourself in these dire straits, don't stress. I have compiled a list of the top five household blotting devices that you can use in any slick pinch.

 #5: Paper towels

Pro: It (kind of) absorbs the gross shit.
Con: It (kind of) tries to rip your friggin' skin from your skull slightly.

This is not your best option, but it's better than using either sandpaper or butter. Or buttery sandpaper. 

#4: Copy paper

Pro: It's surprisingly smooth on the mug skin, considering that you're basically blotting with a used TPS Report.

Con: The actual blotting power is pretty, pretty low.

This will rid you of the very worst parts of your shine, but don't get your hopes up too high for matte skin. They'll be Stacey Dash-ed.

#3: Toilet paper

Pro: Medium to strong oil-be-gone force.
Con: Medium to strong makeup-be-gone force.

If you're searching for the most solidly "meh" result, this is your guy.

#2: Receipts

Pro: The blotting is so, so good.
Con: It's probably making you die, or something.

THIS IS SO GOOD AND SO BAD. Everything is so scary all the time. I need a fluffy teddy bear to hold.

#1: Disposable Toilet Seat Covers

Pro: The oil-absorption is right up there with those damn BPA-laden receipts.
Con: It comes from a public bathroom, where strangers do pee pee and poo poo times.

Do you like to live life like you're Devon Sawa in Final Destination? Are you kind of a Josie Grossie? Do you and blot away.

Did I forget any free blotters? Are you using Gam Gam's pantyhose? Why am I asking so many questions today? Why is the sky blue?

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FYI: My All-Time Favorite Acne Treatment Is Now Available At Sephora

now available at sephora for $39.50!

I'm super excited for the faces of the world today. Well, the acne-prone ones (like my ass), anyway. MY RIDE-OR-DIE, MOST FAVORITE, UNICORN RAINBOW BABY ACNE TREATMENT IS NOW AVAILABLE AT SEPHORA. I'm talking about my homie CLEAROGEN, which I have told your brains about before, and how damn much I love it. I won't be boring and reiterate every friggin' thing I already told you, but I wanted to share this awesome news.

CLEAROGEN actually sent me one of these new kits (they're a little smaller and cheaper than the doctor-sold OG version), and the prods are exactly the same. Just different packaging.  

And I'm not just blowing smoke up your no no's about this stuff. My skin has been an absolute terror, like stuff that dermatologist's nightmares are made from, since I've moved to Arizona. I finally got my proverbial shit together and re-introduced CLEAROGEN back into by life, and my skin has gotten much, much better. I'll do a longer post on everything I've been doing later.

If you're one of my fellow acne-ridden sisters or bro bros, go check this more affordable ($39.50) option at Sephora. Yesssssss. Let's all slather it on together and say, "Bye, bitch," to our acne.

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How To Get Yo' (Makeup-Wearing) Mug To Last All Day

There are few things worse than spending a big ol' chunk of time on your makeup, only to discover that it was all in vain by lunch, because that sh*t is fading like a mofo. Don't let yourself me the poster child for a sad sack of a made-up face, and check out how to keep your face on your face.

All Primed Ever-y-thang

Primer is super-important when it comes to making your 'face' last into eternity. It's like the foundation...to your foundation (ugh x2). I know I have told your asses two billion times before, but using Urban Decay's Eyeshadow Primer Potion (urban decay, $10-$20) is a game changer when it comes to your eye makeup. It makes that gross creasing sh*t a thing of the past, all while intensifying shadows and keeping all of your eye stuffs in check. Seriously, as long as I have two pennies to rug together I WILL BUY THIS SH*T.

As far a foundation primer goes, I have had some issues with those bad boys. The only primer I have ever found to not melt right off of my insanely oily face is this one from Murad. But if you're oily-faced and ballin' on a budget, I find that applying a little pressed powder to your face pre-liquid foundation really cuts down on shine and that b*tch of an oily/blotchy/muddy mess that tends to happen to the sebum-inflicted ladies.

If you are a normal-to-dry person, goody on you. You really have your pick of primers. It's a great way to get a smooth canvas before your foundation application train starts rolling. Just skip putting it on your eyelids -- that's just asking for more creases in your eyeshadow than A.C. Slater had in his pleated Z Cavariccis.

Set It Off

If I'm looking at a long-ass day ahead of me, I know that I will be finishing my face with a setting spray. It's like a hairspray for your face, without actually using hairspray on your face. My favorite setting spray is far and away Model in a Bottle ($18-$21). I've been using this good good for what feels like forever, and it's completely mandatory for me on special occasions/hot and humid/never-ending days. I've tried other brands, but they can all take a seat, because I love this sh*t.

Lips For Days

Long wear lipsticks have come a long ass mf-ing way, you guys. Gone are the days of the chunky, gross lips of yesteryear. And I have found a couple of truly ride-or-die, crazy long-lasting lipsticks that will last forever, ever.

Kat von D makes (made?) a great, lasting lip called Everlasting Love Liquid Lipstick (one pictured is Outlaw) that I CAN'T FIND ANY-DAMN-WHERE, except for on amazon for, like, $2.5 million dollars. Here's another kitty Kat lip that seems semi-similar, but let us all wish on a Magic 8 Ball that Sephora brings the OG back.

I was sampled the hot pink goodness above that is MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Rouge in Fuchsia (Sephora, $24) a while back, and it's still a staple for me when it comes to a statement lip.

The color is really intense, and it will last a looooong ass time, from A.M. coffee times to glass whatever-your-life-is-about of wine. Or until the cows come home. I don't know how you mark your time. But, if you yearn for a NeverEnding (lip) Story, this lipstick is the one for you.

Do you guys have any tips for a long-lating face game? Spill your secrets in the comments, or forever hold your peace and be selfish.




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My New Favorite Dry Shamps, When You've Had Too Much Champs

I was at a friend's wedding this past weekend, and needless to say, my ass shut that sh*t down. The red wine, champagne and dancing was flowing like The River Runs Through It, and I was totally partaking.

So when the next annoying as eff, sunshiny day rolled around, and I had to be at work in, like, ten minutes, I turned to my new lazy BFF. My newest enemy to oily, gross hair is the Macadamia Natural Oil Volumizing Dry Shampoo, that the nice people of Macadamia Natural Oil Hair people sent me a few weeks ago.

macadamia natural oil volumizing dry shampoo, $25 at ulta.com

There are a few things that I look for in a ride or die dry shampoo -- it has to actually work (friggin' duh), it can't leave white mess all up on my noggin, and it better smell good. Well this stuff knocks all three of those criteria right out the damn park.

I can't tell you how many "GREAT ON BRUNETTE HAIR" dry shampoos (from super reputable brands) I have tried that did absolutely nothing to my hair, leaving it still looking like a hot ass, oily mess post-spritz. Not cool, man. Or the ones that work wonderfully, but leave my dark hair looking like I have a George Washington-cutting-down-the-ol'-cherry-tree-sporting-wooden-teeth wig on. So when I find a dry shamp that works like a dream, smells like angel armpits (I imagine they smell delightful), and is truly invisible, 'tis a good day.

My only infant-sized gripe about this beautiful goodness? I wish it were a smidge larger, 'cause I'll be using up this can tout suite, with my oily ass.

You can check it out for yourself from Ulta, here.




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If I Were an Octopus, These Are the 8 Beauty Products I'd Hold All the Time

There are a million beauty products out there, and I feel like I've tried at least 78% of them. And don't get me wrong, I love a lot of products, but these are my mandatory must-haves. I LOVE THESE BABY MOTHERS. I NEVER LET THEM GO.

#1 -- True Red Lipstick
 

kat von d everlasting love liquid lipstick in outlaw, $19 (sephora)

Please believe my ass when I tell you this -- nothing will take your facial area from "meh" to "cha-ching" like an amazing red lipstick. NOTHING. And this beaut is my hands-down ride or die b*tch. It stays on like a mofo, and it's matte. Which means, if you want it to be not-so-matte, you just put a creamy red lipstick over, and then IT STAYS AND ISN'T FLAT. Say somthin' now. 

#2 -- Eyeshadow Primer

urban decay eyeshadow primer potion, $20

Sometimes I feel like it's possible that I might die with the good word of UD's Primer Potion on my lips. Like, that's how f*cking much I talk about this stuff. But I literally could not wear a friggin' dot of eye makeup without it, so I press on. If you are oily, or have any issue with your eye makeup fading or shifting, and you don't use this sh*t, then I can't even with you anymore. GET THIS.

#3 -- Beige-y Blonde Brow Pencil for Any Hair Color

maybelline expert eyes twin brow & eye pencils in blonde, $2.39 (drugstore.com)

 Lemme tell you a little something about brow pencils, mmmkay? I don't give two effs what color your hair is, you need to use a blonde/ashy-colored brow pencil. Use the pencil to shape your brow, then fill it in with a brow powder (or even an eyeshadow, I don't give a damn) that somewhat matches your hair color. PLEASE don't use a black brow pencil because you have black hair. TRUST ME, I'VE BEEN THERE, GOT THE HORRIFIC PICTURES TO PROVE IT. DON'T MAKE ME SHOW YOU. Your face (and all the eyeballs of the world) will thank you.

#4 -- Gel/Cream Waterproof Eyeliner 

sephora waterproof smoky cream liner in matte black, $12

On the real, HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT THIS SH*T for the lower lash waterline and in-between upper lashes? Short answer: I effing don't. I apply this with a thin eyeliner brush by wiggling it between my eyelashes, and it makes them look roughly 4095830% fuller. This is one of those makeup steps that if I skip it, people are all, "Why do you look so tired?" And I'm like, "Eff you," then I go put it on, because those dicks are right. Plus, it's the only thing that I've ever used that stays on my waterline. You can pry it from my cold, dead hands. P.S. If you do that, I will haunt you. And it won't be the old man from the amusement park, either.

#5 -- Body Oil

spectrum organic unrefined coconut oil, $9.99 (the vitamin shoppe)

I'm just not that into body lotion, you guys. It makes my ass (and arms and back and legs) feel filmy, and homie don't play that.

I like to use coconut oil, because it has one billion uses, so you super get your money's worth. But I also mix it with body lotion if I'm into that crap that day. (I'm a fickle b*tch.) I'm also not exclusive with coconut oil, either. (SLUT!) I'll really use any body oil that doesn't smell like babies. Even babies don't want to smell like babies.

#6 -- Gradual Tan Body Lotion

jergens glow foaming daily moisturizer in medium to tan, $8.69 (target)

I have a weird thing with being tan/being not tan. I really love pale skin, and I hate the sun (save for the whole "that b keeps us alive" thing), but sometimes I like tans on my legs, but not on my face.



And this ish is my boss b*tch for a few reasons -- it's not lotion-y (see above) or heavy, it dries fast, and you can control your level of bronze to a non-crazy level. (GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINA AGUILERA!) Oh, and it's like $10. GET ON MY SKIN.

#7 -- Black Liquid Liner

vs makeup graphic liner pen, $14 (victoria's secret)

What are your feelings on liquid eyeliner? Are you scared of that sh*t? Because your ass shouldn't be. I wear liquid liner pretty much every day, and that doesn't mean I'm Amy Winehouse-ing the hell out of myself on the reg. You can use it just like you would a pencil liner, including smudging it up before it dries. It's just bolder and lasts longer on my oily mess of a face. My favorite type is a fine felt-tipped pen like the VS one above that I'm currently using. It's waaay easier to control than one of those brush deals, and much better for lazies than that bullsh*t you have to dip in a well like you're penning a friggin' letter to Ponce de Leon in the 15th century.

#8 -- (Fullish) Powder Foundation

mac studio fix powder plus foundation, $27

 Hey, have you guys heard the sh*tty word that I'm oily as f*ck? Oh, yeah, I think I've mentioned it.

 

Ryan Gosling -- making eye rolling adorable since 1980. (Yes, I googled his birthday. Get off me.) Anyway, due to this extreme oily situation, I oftentimes need to use a powdered foundation for a couple of reasons. I initially use it as a primer, as in after moisturizer and before liquid foundation, just to set up a barrier between the oil factory that are my pores and more liquid particles. I also carry this boo thang in my purse for touch ups, because it's a little more substantial than some thin and flimsy powder. I've used it for years on years on years, and it's on my dream team.

Well, I'm fresh out of legs. (Tentacles? Testicles? All of the above?) What would your asses hold if you were an octopus? Oh, and let's get real. If I really were an octopus, this would totally be me.

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The Badass B List: Treat Yo' Self

Sometimes you just want to be a fancy ass b. AmIright? There are some beauty products that just make your ass FEEL like it's dripping in diamonds, like Little Edie when she was on the cusp of fame, with extra brooches and turbans.

And since I don't actually HAVE any brooches or turbans, I like to find luxurious products to make myself feel like a lady who lunches. (What does that even mean? Don't we all eat lunch? Do rich ladies eat lunch, but not dinner?)

One of the most luxurious beauty items, to me, are false lashes. I freaking love the look of lashes. The more I look like Flower from Bambi, the better. But I'm used to using the cheap drugstore $3 (tops) lashes. So when the people from Goddess Lashes sent me some to try, I almost died from excitement. These lashes are handmade and mink, and can be used up to TWENTY times. (I use my drugstore lashes half a time, usually.) From Goddess Lashes:

Goddess Mink Lashes are made from individually selected mink fur hair that have been harvested by the natural shedding process of live mink, no cruelty or harm to the animals. They have been sterilized to ensure a safe non- allergenic usage.

Awesome, right? They also come in embellished sets, with authentic Swarovski crystals, delicate gold studs and fresh water pearl ornaments. Here are the crystal pair:

How friggin' fun are these b's? And here are the basic signature lashes:

These are so natural and pretty. (So you think you're pretty. -Regina George) These puppies aren't cheap (they start at $150), but the quality and look of them are beyond gorgeous. And you can reuse the hell out of them, as long as you don't get all trashy and actually take care of them. (I'm totally looking in the mirror when I say that.) Go check out all of the varieties of lashes that Goddess Lashes makes, and get yo' fancy ass on!

How about super luxury for under $15??? These Tatcha Original Aburatorigami Japanese Blotting Papers are $12, and have mutha effin' GOLD FLAKES in them. Now, that's some fanciest of the fancy pants ish right there. You b's know that I have not been shy about sharing my skin's extreme oiliness. It's quite the quandary of my beauty life. Putting on makeup only to have it look a blotchy, muddy mess a few hours later, is one of the banes of my existence. So needless to say, my ass has to have blotting papers on my person at pretty much any moment of life. The thing that I really enjoy about the Tatcha blotting papers are how they leave a little moisture to your skin after you use them. You aren't left with a dry-as-a-bone face -- it feels more gentle than other blotting papers I have used. So if you are one of those combo faced ladies or gents, these would be your total homie for life.

Now let's all go drink a spot of tea together. Pinkies up, b faces!




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PTL. Something Cheap That Works Like a MoFo. (Or at Least a Mo. Or a Fo.)

By this time, if you know ANY effin' THING about me, you know a couple of things: I am an oily, oily ass b, and I love some cheapness. But I really hate when something is cheap and doesn't work. I have a freakin' crap load of junk that falls into that category.

On the oily tip, I feel like I have tried almost every dry shampoo out there. From cheap to expensive, powder that you shake on to spray nonsense, I've tried it all. Back in the day, when my hair was so blonde that it was pretty much white, baby powder was my jam. I mean it's made to absorb moisture. Bam! Done. But now that my hair is dark, that ish is completely out the window. Don't even attempt that mess, you will look like a trashy attempt at a George Washington costume. Not good. Back to the point, I have yet to find a dry shampoo in all of my explorations that really does a bomb ass job. I'm usually served up with a big ol' helping of "meeeeeh," with a large side of still oily hair.

Which brings me to a few weeks ago. One of my friends, who feels my oily/dark hair/every dry shampoo sucks pains let me know that she had found a winner in the dry shampoo. Enter Salon Grafix Invisible Dry Shampoo:

You can buy it pretty much anywhere, from Walmart to Target to Walgreens (or wherever the eff) and it's about $6 or $7. I was pretty "b please" about it before I tried it, because usually these 'invisible' dry shampoos are: a) not invisible, and b) don't friggin' work. But I have to say, I was impressed by this lil' dude. I read some of the low reviews on Amazon, and I have to put this out there -- don't spray it on the ends of your hair if you want your hair to be soft and shiny. SPRAY IT ON YO' ROOTS, PEOPLE. I actually took some before and after pictures of my three day unwashed gross hair. Those of you with a weak stomach, avert your eyes.

Not bad. I wouldn't win even World's Ugliest Dog beauty pageant or anything, but much, much better. One and a half thumbs up! (If you are of normal oily levels, this will be your new b.)




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