Today is my 34th birthday, and I'm pretty much feeling like an old hag. Or an old handbag. You choose. So, instead of feeling like a sad sack of invisible poop in the eyes of society, I decided to compile a list of 34 of the beauty-related things I've learned on this long journey of life I've had. (I actually thought I would have expired with my oxen while forging a river, Oregon Trail-style, by now. Maybe this is the year.)
I did something
kind of similar to this last year, because I like to reflect upon shit. I'm a real thinker. Read ahead as I creep closer to middle age. Yay! Pass the streamers.
#1 -- Extreme eyebrows can screw up your face.
#2 -- Red lips work for everyone. You might look good with an orangey-red. Or a blue-red. Or a true red. (Is this what poetry feels like?) But there's a red for everyone. And I don't care if you think that your lips are too small/big/you think you have a weird mouth. EVERYONE.
#3 -- Bangs are not for everyone. Sorry, people with very small foreheads and cowlicks.
#4 -- I kind of hate blowouts. Okay, so this isn't a lesson for everyone. I just wanted to tell someone.
#5 -- Stay the eff out of the sun. It will slowly murder your skin.
#6 -- There really are some great drugstore products on this planet. Have you
HEARD about this Maybelline mascara?!?
#7 -- Your eyebrows don't have to be matchy-matchy with your hair. In fact, dark-haired peeps' brows should be a tad lighter than their head hairs and fair-haired bros should keep their brows a little darker. Also, do whatever your eyebrows tell you to. They are the rulers of the universe. Who runs the world? Brows.
#8 -- Dry shampoo is the shit, but it can only do so much. If you're oily and thin-haired, and on day three, WASH YO' DAMN HAIR.
#9 -- Peeling off nail polish is legitimately bad for your nails. But that doesn't stop me from doing it.
#10 -- So are acrylic nails. At least stay away from the places that use a friggin' Black and Decker drill on them. That cannot be healthy.
#11 -- Unless you have FANTASTIC-ASS skin, skip shimmery bronzer on your mug. The glitter stuff will highlight every pore and imperfection. Trust me, I could have a doctorate in bad skin and things to avoid.
#12 -- Don't let Kim K bully you into contouring. It's not mandatory for your face.
#13 -- A French manicure (pedicure?) on your toes makes your toenails look weirdly long. Or short.
#14 -- Don't let people make you feel shitty about liking/not liking beauty stuff. It's not that serious. If you're into it, cool. If you're more of an I-don't-give-a-shit-type, that's fine, too. Spend your time and brainwaves and monies on what makes you happy.
#15 -- Primers are not bullshit. Use them.
#16 -- I believe in ghosts, aliens and addiction to chapstick. I've read articles saying that chapstick addiction is not real, and I don't believe them. Just like I don't believe in long division in 2015. Use a calculator.
#17 -- Hair is just hair. You can change it back if you hate it. And it grows back almost always.
#18 -- Take care of your damn skin as much as possible, it's the only skin you have.
#19 -- Find a go-to style to deal with your dirty-ass hair, and make it fast and easy. It could be a braid, a bun, a high pony; I don't give a shit. Just learn to love it for those hard and sleepy days.
#20 -- Know how to use products in more than one way. Eyeshadow as brow powder, bronzer as eyeshadow, lipstick as blush, just for starters. When money is tight, you will appreciate these things in your brain.
#21 -- Learn to love your natural hair texture-ish. It's what you have, and fighting against it completely is futile.
#22 -- Just because something works for your friend/Beyoncé/Betsy Ross' ghost, doesn't mean it's necessarily great for you. Every human has different skin and hair and coloring, so everything is not universal, no matter what the people who make that
mood lipstick tells you.
#23 -- Be careful with wearing heavy earrings as you get older. STRETCHED OUT EARLOBES ARE REAL.
#24 -- Don't dye your hair with black boxed dye unless you want to marry it and take that mess to the grave.
#25 -- Getting hung up on stuff you can't do is a waste of time. Just work around it. I can't paint my nails in any socially acceptable way, so I just paint all over the place and scrub the skin parts in the shower. Number of seconds of sleep I lose over this: zero.
#26 -- Don't be afraid of oils, even if you're oily. Facial oils are MF-ing delightful. Same goes for hair oils. Even cleansing oils.
#27 -- Doing highlights at home is a terrible idea. Especially if you're using one of those kits that comes with a comb. (Unless you're, like, a professional. That doesn't count.)
#28 -- Your skin changes with time and location. Roll with the punches. I've gone from completely oily to somehow dry AND oily. Ain't life grand?
#29 -- Baby bangs can only be pulled off by roughly less than 1% of the population.
#30 -- Don't go crazy with self tanner. When you look at pictures later, you will be f-ing appalled.
#31 -- Try clip-in extensions at least once. Even if they're borrowed. (From someone you know, not a Craigslist person.) They're fun and make you feel like Ariel when she's a human.
#32 -- Waterproof eyeliner is the universe's gift to humans with eyeballs.
#33 -- You really only need a nude lip liner. You can own whatever the hell you want, but you can use nude with any color.
#34 -- I know nothing. I'm like a way less sexy Jon Snow.
If you need me, I'll be busy being old in the corner with my cake. (JK, I don't even have a cake. Help.)
