The 34 Beauty Lessons I've Learned in 34 Years

Today is my 34th birthday, and I'm pretty much feeling like an old hag. Or an old handbag. You choose. So, instead of feeling like a sad sack of invisible poop in the eyes of society, I decided to compile a list of 34 of the beauty-related things I've learned on this long journey of life I've had. (I actually thought I would have expired with my oxen while forging a river, Oregon Trail-style, by now. Maybe this is the year.)

I did something kind of similar to this last year, because I like to reflect upon shit. I'm a real thinker. Read ahead as I creep closer to middle age. Yay! Pass the streamers.

#1 -- Extreme eyebrows can screw up your face.

#2 -- Red lips work for everyone. You might look good with an orangey-red. Or a blue-red. Or a true red. (Is this what poetry feels like?) But there's a red for everyone. And I don't care if you think that your lips are too small/big/you think you have a weird mouth. EVERYONE.

#3 -- Bangs are not for everyone. Sorry, people with very small foreheads and cowlicks.

#4 -- I kind of hate blowouts. Okay, so this isn't a lesson for everyone. I just wanted to tell someone.

#5 -- Stay the eff out of the sun. It will slowly murder your skin.

#6 -- There really are some great drugstore products on this planet. Have you HEARD about this Maybelline mascara?!?

#7 -- Your eyebrows don't have to be matchy-matchy with your hair. In fact, dark-haired peeps' brows should be a tad lighter than their head hairs and fair-haired bros should keep their brows a little darker. Also, do whatever your eyebrows tell you to. They are the rulers of the universe. Who runs the world? Brows.

#8 -- Dry shampoo is the shit, but it can only do so much. If you're oily and thin-haired, and on day three, WASH YO' DAMN HAIR.

#9 -- Peeling off nail polish is legitimately bad for your nails. But that doesn't stop me from doing it.

#10 -- So are acrylic nails. At least stay away from the places that use a friggin' Black and Decker drill on them. That cannot be healthy.

#11 --  Unless you have FANTASTIC-ASS skin, skip shimmery bronzer on your mug. The glitter stuff will highlight every pore and imperfection. Trust me, I could have a doctorate in bad skin and things to avoid.

#12 -- Don't let Kim K bully you into contouring. It's not mandatory for your face.

#13 -- A French manicure (pedicure?) on your toes makes your toenails look weirdly long. Or short.

#14 -- Don't let people make you feel shitty about liking/not liking beauty stuff. It's not that serious. If you're into it, cool. If you're more of an I-don't-give-a-shit-type, that's fine, too. Spend your time and brainwaves and monies on what makes you happy.

#15 -- Primers are not bullshit. Use them.

#16 -- I believe in ghosts, aliens and addiction to chapstick. I've read articles saying that chapstick addiction is not real, and I don't believe them. Just like I don't believe in long division in 2015. Use a calculator.

#17 -- Hair is just hair. You can change it back if you hate it. And it grows back almost always.

#18 -- Take care of your damn skin as much as possible, it's the only skin you have.

#19 -- Find a go-to style to deal with your dirty-ass hair, and make it fast and easy. It could be a braid, a bun, a high pony; I don't give a shit. Just learn to love it for those hard and sleepy days.

#20 -- Know how to use products in more than one way. Eyeshadow as brow powder, bronzer as eyeshadow, lipstick as blush, just for starters. When money is tight, you will appreciate these things in your brain.

#21 -- Learn to love your natural hair texture-ish. It's what you have, and fighting against it completely is futile.

#22 -- Just because something works for your friend/Beyoncé/Betsy Ross' ghost, doesn't mean it's necessarily great for you. Every human has different skin and hair and coloring, so everything is not universal, no matter what the people who make that mood lipstick tells you.

#23 -- Be careful with wearing heavy earrings as you get older. STRETCHED OUT EARLOBES ARE REAL.

#24 -- Don't dye your hair with black boxed dye unless you want to marry it and take that mess to the grave.

#25 -- Getting hung up on stuff you can't do is a waste of time. Just work around it. I can't paint my nails in any socially acceptable way, so I just paint all over the place and scrub the skin parts in the shower. Number of seconds of sleep I lose over this: zero.

#26 -- Don't be afraid of oils, even if you're oily. Facial oils are MF-ing delightful. Same goes for hair oils. Even cleansing oils.

#27 -- Doing highlights at home is a terrible idea. Especially if you're using one of those kits that comes with a comb. (Unless you're, like, a professional. That doesn't count.)

#28 -- Your skin changes with time and location. Roll with the punches. I've gone from completely oily to somehow dry AND oily. Ain't life grand?

#29 -- Baby bangs can only be pulled off by roughly less than 1% of the population.

#30 -- Don't go crazy with self tanner. When you look at pictures later, you will be f-ing appalled.

#31 -- Try clip-in extensions at least once. Even if they're borrowed. (From someone you know, not a Craigslist person.) They're fun and make you feel like Ariel when she's a human.

#32 -- Waterproof eyeliner is the universe's gift to humans with eyeballs.

#33 -- You really only need a nude lip liner. You can own whatever the hell you want, but you can use nude with any color.

#34 -- I know nothing. I'm like a way less sexy Jon Snow.

If you need me, I'll be busy being old in the corner with my cake. (JK, I don't even have a cake. Help.)

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A Chronological Timeline Of The Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Birth To Current Times

Today is my birthday. Don't worry, you don't have to acknowledge that shit, I'm just telling you for the context of this article, or whatever you call this crap that I throw together. I've never been big on birthdays because I don't like the attention and, also, we all have one. It's nothing special. I don't really get the fuss, and I am a general curmudgeon. But I did learn that today is also Jon Hamm's (ween's) birthday, so I'll take it. It's Robin Thicke's birthday, too, but let's ignore that gross knowledge.

The point of all of this word effery is that I'm now 33 GD years old, and I'm not getting any younger. The upswing to this is that I have, from the time I was a little kid until this very moment, acquired some decent lessons on beauty and such. I lined up these bits o' brain juices (well, that's gross) for you in a chronological order so you don't follow in my gross habit footsteps. L'chaim!

Baby Years: Birth Times

Here I am, straight out the womb. Don't be crazy, I have zero tips on beauty at this point. I don't even know how to open my damn eyes, much less how to apply eyeliner to make your eyes look larger. I still have ink on my feet, for Chrissakes. But I did have dapper as eff taste in headwear.

Non-Angsty Childhood Years: I'm Just a Girl

Childhood: so full of wondrous moments of innocence and tiny pairs of acid-washed jeans. At this point in life, I didn't think about looks very much. Even when I begged to be in a kiddie beauty pageant, and my mom said eff to the no, I didn't think about what my face looked like, or how weird my jaunty teeth were, I just wanted a fancy ass dress. But looking back, here are the things I know with certainty:

1. Sometimes the dentist will tell you that you'll need braces when you're, like, five, and sometimes those bitches will just straighten themselves out pretty well.
2. Spiral perms.
3. This is the pinnacle of your hair's color. Hopefully, an adult will capture these moments, so your mane can vicariously live through it again when you're an adult, and you can keep trying to recapture those natural highlights via chemical endeavors and experiments and fail completely.

Pre-Teen, Bleeding Into Teen Years: Everything's Terrible

I think we can all agree that puberty can seriously suck it. There are exactly zero things that are physically, emotionally, and whatever-else-lly more awkward than the pre-teen years of life. I was forced to learn a lot from this time in my life, due to sheer survival more than anything else. Seriously, if there's a hell, #1) I'm probably going, and #2) it's just living your pubescent years over and over again. I think you get the point. Here are my learnings from this tragic ass era:

1. The first time you get highlights at the mall with money from your high school job, stop using your bullshit 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Your hair isn't falling out because you have cancer (I DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY), it's because you actually have to take care of your head hairs now.
2. If your skin is really awful and acne-prone, go to a dermatologist and get some help before it gets completely out of control and you are semi-disfigured. I know you're embarrassed, and everything is beyond embarrassing right now, but it can dictate your skin life forever, ever.
3. Maybe don't have bangs. Bangs are kind of a rude bitch to deal with even for adults, and your hair styling skill level is not ready for that jelly.

 Late Teens to Early 20's: Is This Real Life? 

The late teens/early 20's years are almost like a second puberty. Life is friggin' hard, and this is the time you're trying to figure out what the hell you're doing. Let me tell you a secret that might save you some strife, early twenty-somethings: I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, SO STOP FREAKING OUT. I'm sure I'll feel the same way at 40. We should all calm our figurative tits. This is what I learned about beauty from these turbulent times:

1. Do whatever the hell you want with your hair/makeup/whatever non-permanent crap at this point in your life. This is the time to try weird shit. The only exception is telling your 50-something temp hair lady to "do whatever she wants" to your hair. She'll give you a sassy, flippy haircut that matches her own, and your Senior pictures will be straight-up (now tell me) awful. And you'll be forced to stare them down on your parents' mantle for the next 40 years.
2. DO NOT TAN. You're going to want to, but don't. Your skin will thank you by not looking like a Slim Jim that's been pickling in a jar of vinegar later.
3. Go easy on the eyebrows. Sometimes those mofos will up and quit your face, refusing to grow back. Tweeze with caution.

Late, Late 20's to Current Days: Zero Effs to Give

Getting older is some kind of witchy weirdness, man. On one hand, it's a medium-sized bag of poop, because we're all crazy youth-obsessed and want to look like sexy teenaged elves until we're 60, and that shit ain't real. But, weirdly, something cool happens when you start jumping up that age chart. You start to not care about stuff so much. Remember when Oprah (or some person) was all, "Don't sweat the small stuff'?" That actually becomes the truth.com after 30. Here's the deal, for real:

1. Let your "Who gives 1.5 craps? Not me!" flag fly on occasion. The 25 year old me would never even check the mail without glitz pageant makeup. The almost mid-30's me goes to dinner, movies, food truck rallies, bacon buying excursions -- you get the point -- in a bun and zero makeup sometimes. It's just your face and semi-dirty hair. It's all cool.
2. Actually take care of yourself, even though that mess is boring. The older we get, the more what you actually put into your body and working out and stuff matters. Even when it comes to skin and hair, it makes a huge difference. I know, so boring.
3. Take your skin care routine all the way down to chesticle town. We have to fight the good fight against the wrinkly chest-in-between-the-boobs deal as much as we can, you guys. Together we can win(ish) the fight.

That's it. I'm all out of years (thank Jesus), and I've poured out all of my brain's non-wisdoms for your eyeballs. The bottom line is, wherever you are in your lifespan, enjoy that shit. You'll never get it back, so live it up. Sorry for the cheese, now pass the nachos. And the margaritas.





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Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Glam As Eff Celebrity Kids

We already know that celebrities primarily have their crap together, looks-wise. As if that doesn't wound your ego enough, how can we even feel semi-cool when so many celebrity kids are such badass mofos? Instead of just being insanely jealous of these small humans, I've gleaned some valuable lessons from their far-more-glamorous-than-mine lifestyles, and how they can enhance our boring, adult lives.

Lesson #1: Maddox Jolie-Pitt's brave ass bleached mohawk haircut reminds you to take a chance and get that gutsy cut.
 

If a five year old (or whatever, I'm terrible with kid ages) can get a haircut that's avant garde as sh*t, then maybe you can get more than a trim next time you hit up the Cost Cutters. Our hair can be a kind of living, growing security blanket, and changing it can take balls, but it's also an accessory that you wear every damn day so it better be pretty cool. If you feel like chopping that sh*t and matching your spirit animal Jennifer Lawrence, listen to Sara Bareilles' "Brave" on repeat three times and do it. It's just hair, IT WILL GROW BACK.

Lesson #2: Suri Cruise's constant elegance shows you CAN get your sh*t together and do a DIY mani.

Oh, who is that, Blair Waldorf? Nope, that's mf-ing Suri Cruise, who is in preschool, or some sh*t, wearing t-stap heels and a chic, floral, bubble-hemmed dress. This picture is really putting a harsh microscope on the extent of my laziness. While I find it hard to wash my hair on the reg, Suri already knows how to wear hear metallic handbag in a cross-body fashion.

I know, I know, Suri. I feel your eyes of judgement. I'll paint my toenails tomorrow.

Lesson #3: Skyler Zoe schools us on letting your beautiful curly-haired flag fly.

Hair is the world's biggest case of that annoying old tripe, "you always want what you can't have." But embracing the natural texture of your hair can be a gorgeous thing, and if you don't believe me, just ask this kid's ridiculous lovely locks. Living in these modern times (old), there are roughly 83 trillion hair products out there, so find the right combo that works for your hair and work that sh*t.

Not you, Biebs. Not you.

Lesson #4: Stafani/Rossdale kids are beacons for not being afraid to try a trend.

Listen, these kids are f*cking way, way cooler than you.  Do you have a badass professor-y looking tweed vest? Are you currently wearing a bow tie with a checkered shirt? Didn't think so. But even though we are all infinitely more pedestrian than these tiny children, we can still learn from their edge and flair. Don't be afraid to wear that bold ass purple lipstick! Zuma (Zima? Zumba? Simba?) would totally encourage it. Feel like wearing some super-extreme cat eye liner? Kingston approves. He's wearing flame shoes. Trust him.

Lesson #5: Levi McConaughey needs you to chill the hell out.

I know, I know, life's a b*tch and then you die, and all that jazz. But we could definitely learn a little something from the offspring of Matty McC, and be a little more hippie and zen-like. Stress is one of the biggest things that can wreak havoc on your beauty life and your life life, so learning to deal with it will actually make you hotter. You've got to do what you have to do to decompress -- workout if it helps, drink so damn cozy time tea, read yourself a bedtime story, I don't give an eff. Figure out your deal and make yourself feel better. And maybe try walking a bandana-wearing dog, or something.

Lesson #6: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt says do you and forget everyone's opinions.

Shiloh is a down-ass little person. She's all about breaking down gender barriers and schooling b*tches on being themselves. Shiloh does and wears what she wants, and I love it. If a kid this young can be true to their style and to themselves, then the horrible adults of this earth can all do the same.

Lesson #7: Louis Bullock lives by the motto, "When in doubt, hat it out."

LLASC, you guys. (That's Louis loves a smart chapeau, if you're a lame.) Listen, there's not much better in this life than a bangin' statement accessory, and hats near the top of the list. My favorite thing about hats? They cover dirty hair, AKA irrefutable visual evidence of my laziness. But they also add style, sass, grunge, weirdness, femininity, or whatever deal you're working with to a basic bones outfit. So take a page from lil' Louis' style book and put a hat on that sh*t.

What celebrity kid do you guys love? Did I miss anyone? Blue Ivy asked me not to mention her. She said her life is none of our damn business.



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I'm Super Old, and I've Learned A SH*T TON About Beauty.

Well guys, it's totally official -- I'm an old ass b. I had a birthday this weekend, and it reminded me of my previous 32 years (holy eff, I can't believe that ish is true), and all of the beauty lessons I have learned from being alive this long ass time. So I thought that I would compile a list of some of the things I've learned and share them with yo' asses, so you don't have to live with the same mistakes that I've made. I know, I know. I'm such a kind-hearted angel face. I hear it all the time. (Nope. I sure don't.)

Sometimes, Less Is More.

via realitytvgifs

No, Danielle, I don't mean less clothes. I mean the bedazzling of your face and such. There have been times in my life when it wasn't unusual for me to wear heavy eyeshadow, winged eyeliner, and fake lashes DURING THE DAY. Listen, I like a made-up face. Ain't nothing but a thang. BUT, it can sometimes be a little much for just everyday, reg life. And this is also the reason that I would like to be the first (that I know of) biologically female drag queen. The glitz! The glamour! The showladyship! The perfected sashay-and-lip-syncing! But until that day comes, I have learned to tone down my ish (somewhat) and be daylight appropriate. Boring, but necessary.

Take Care of What You've Got.

Get ready to hear straight Gam Gam advice -- you only have one body, so don't eff that mess up too much while you're young. Be careful how much you're in the sun, because IT WILL CATCH UP with your ass. Trust. Same goes for smoking. I've seen many a wrinkle on a young buck just because of these lifestyle choices. Listen, I know that getting enough sleep and drinking enough water, and crap, isn't as fun as being a rebellious hoodlum. I got it. But you also don't want to look super hag-y by the time you're thirty, right? RIGHT? Just THINK about reigning it in...Mmmkay?

Keep Sh*t In Your Purse.

Okay, so you don't have to carry a purse so friggin' large that it's made from the sacrificial lambs of other, tinier, purses. But there is something to say about carrying a big ass bag, and that is that you can fit a ton of beauty into a bigger purse. This is currently what's in my purse:

And that's just the "makeup" makeup. I also carry deodorant and two dry shampoos in my purse. I'm fully aware that I am a ridiculous person, but I also like to be prepared, like a high maintenance boy scout. Here's my theory -- what if, for whatever fake reason, you can't go home for a day? I could totally maintain regular level of hygiene and live straight from the purse. NBD. It's like a hobo/Tom Sawyer beauty lifestyle. P.S. Ziploc bags are THE BEST makeup bags, because you can replace them every few weeks.

Don't Underestimate the Power of Eyebrows.

See, even Christian Bale knows, and that b likes to yell at people. You mofo's know that I can't stop talking about eyebrows. But there's a real reason. EYEBROWS CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOUR FACE. Don't believe me?

Point, match, game. (Is that how it's said? I know nothing of sports.) Eyebrows are a frame to the artwork that is your face. Don't be a poster hanging up with thumbtacks. Be the framed Monet.

Okay, not a Monet. An Andy Warhol print, or whatever the hell gets you tingly. Just get that brow game right. Alright, that's all I've got, people. I have to go order one million cases of Ensure now, because my ass is older than Dylan McKay over here.

via 90210gifs

I LOVE old Dylan. What a DILF.





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Beauty Ish I Learned from Watching Seinfeld.

I really love Seinfeld. Even though it's so effing old at this point, I can still watch episode after episode endlessly. And I really feel like it's still relevant today, even though the show was totally and completely in the 90's.

 

Sigh. I'm an old ass b -- I'm completely aware. I've even garnered some beauty tips from watching the show, which is a completely strange occurrence. Here are some of them, gathered up and served hotter than the coffee that scalded Kramer's crotch.

Using unconventional beauty products is okay.
 


I actually use coconut oil as my body lotion every day, so I totally feel Kramer on this one. But, beware baking yourself, as he did later in the episode.

Smoking is bad as eff for your looks.



I know that my ass (face) doesn't want to look like a pruned up mofo. Don't smoke people. It's not cute.

Sometimes you need a little (artificial) beauty help.



Listen, there ain't a THANG wrong with utilizing a little fake hair. George's toupee wasn't looking all that glamorous, but do what you gotta do, guys.

Don't be afraid to work what you've got.



Errrrm, this is pretty self explanatory. WERK. THAT. ISH. Sometimes it just gets the job done.

Water pressure is really important.



Bad water pressure can totally eff up your game, man. Don't drool on me, shower, and expect me to be happy about that sh*t.

Do your asses ever pick up beauty tips from scripted TV shows? Andy Griffith or some sh*t? Share your wisdoms!


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