The Full-Size Beauty Products I Have To Travel With (Screw You, 50 Pound Max)

I'm going to New York for the weekend, and I'm pretty f-ing excited. I get to see two of my favorite friends, and I sold my Britney Spears tickets to buy my plane ticket, so I plan on livin' it up like Ja Rule and shit. That means that I need to be very, very well-packed. I'm not leaving any favorite beauty homies behind, regardless of weight. I NEED ALL OF MY THINGS.

There are a few interchangeable beauty products that I'll just grab whatever feels lightest and easy, but the following guys are non-negotiables. You can see why I have to check a bag. And pack all of my shoes in my purse.

Skin-y Not Minis

I have assembled a motley-ass crew of skin necessities as of late. I've begun using Retin-A again (more on that another time), so I've really been trying to find the perfect moisturizer to use to curtail that damned, dirty peeling that comes with using the ol' A. So I don't have a favorite right now. It's been more of a favorite rotation-ish.

But I have been completely vibing on this Elta MD UV Shield SPF 45 Oil-Free Sunscreen, which is NECE-MFing-SSARY when you're using Retin-A. Like, I even wear it if I go out at night just in case. And this stuff is pretty bomb. It's oil-free (so you can use it over the moisturizer du jour) and doesn't make my eyes feel crazier than a Craisin™.

I also have to bring my Nivea Creme because I can't be caught unawares if I happen to put on some kind of dress/skirt apparatus. You know I'm not about that non-shiny-exposed-leg life. 

And because I currently live in an actual damn desert, I'm preparing for a humidity-meets-skin oil freakout when I hit the East Coast. That's where the Urban Decay De Slick comes in. It's actually not my favorite setting spray, Model in Bottle holds that place in my dark and oily heart, but I have the older packaging that's made from glass. Homie don't play with putting glass in a suitcase. I have a very deep-seated fear of broken glass (we'll talk about that another time, too), and I refuse to risk that shit. So this'll do, pig. This'll do.

Shower Powers

I have another weird thing that I've been dealing with lately. (I know, I know; shocking stuff.) I feel like my hair is thinning. It's probably not, and I should just chalk this all up to a bathroom with weird lighting and neurotic brain wrinkles, but it's my current (possible) real life deal. I'll get into this more another time. I have a lot of things to tell you about later, clearly, but in the meantime, these things have been my maybe hair saviors. If I need them. Which I might or might not. I'm not sure. HALP.

I bought this Bioinfusion Daily Volume Shampoo a couple weeks ago, and I think I love it. (I told you, these are confusing times.) This is apparently a brand that's made for and by Walgreens, and I can't even hate it a little. I don't know that it's going to cause my scalp to sprout more strands, but I'm lathering up with hope in my heart.

I snatched up this Lee Stafford Breaking Hair Treatment on accident, while I was trying to buy some other crap, but I ended up LOVING THIS STUFF LIKE NO OTHER. Like it's no ordinary love. No ordinary love. You use it between your shampoo and conditioner, and it makes your hair feel like a baby unicorn angel's cashmere baby blanket. Or close.

For conditioner, I've been on that Not Your Mother's Way To Grow Conditioner tip. I also have the shampoo, but you can see that I've been busy being stuck on the Bioinfusion. This conditioner is not crazy heavy, but it moisturizes like woah. The instructions say to massage into the scalp for two to three minutes, but I can't really go beyond a minute or so. I must have the strength of a fetal deer, paired with the oil production of a seal's coat. It's a great life.

I'll KIT re: how all of this mess of a regiment works in the long-term.

Save My Damn Hair

Speaking of hair, I'm not even finished. There's more to my ridiculousness. I have to style this mess in some form or fashion, so let's deal with all of that.

When I get out of the shower, I'm all about being able to brush through my tangles sans maximum hair-ripping-out-age. For that, I turn to a combo of Unite 7Seconds Leave In Conditioner and Josie Maran Argan Oil Hair Serum. These cats are like He-Man and She-Ra for hair saving. Or The Power Team, without the phone book ripping. You know, powerful and stuff.

After my hair is dry and styled, I like to add more texture and volume. I use Bumble and Bumble Dryspun Finish pretty much on the daily, even though it's freaking spendy and I really should save it for special occasions. Whatever. I'm really living la vida loca.

I also tend to hit up my roots/bang area with psssst! Instant Dry Shampoo to pump up the volume (dance dance) and keep the front of my hair from getting all greased up. It's fairly cheap and it smells better than any other dry shampoo, so I'm into it. Being oily 4 lyfe is superduper fun, man.

I'm now taking bets on how much you think my bag will weigh. I'm going with 1.7 billion pounds. Minimum. And I'm not even taking into account the weight of a hairdryer, curling wand and flat iron. I'm completely screwed.

What are your must-pack beauty items? Tell me more things I should bring. It's all whatever at this point.





Pin It

Beauty For When You're Feeling Blue-y

There are two kinds of people that roam this planet of doom. Peeps that are all optimistic and sh*t, and when feeling low, go watch a Reese Witherspoon movie and just feel better about life. And then probably drink sweet tea on a sunny porch. If that describes your demeanor, this post is not for you. No, this is for the lite misery-wallowers. Those of us that, instead of reaching for a well-read copy of Chicken Soup for Your Mutha Effin' Soul, read this.

for the emo-souled only

I am in a decently-sized funk lately, you guys. This will not come as a surprise to people that know me on a personal level, because my moods typically range from Sophia from Golden Girls to Grumpy Cat with PMS. No one ever believes me when I tell them that my high school pottery teacher called me "Sunshine," because of current constant state of b*tch assness. WELL, IT'S TRUE, MOFOS. I've channeled all of nearing-middle-age angst into the beauty things that I truly appreciate most when my emo levels are breaking the emotionally-bankrupt bank.

What's the Matte-r, Baby?

I love matte nails, especially when they're dark. It's like your fingers are wearing tiny, clean chalkboards of darkness. That's a positive thing, in case you felt unsure. To achieve matte-to-death nails of whatever color, I like to use OPI's Matte Top Coat (Ulta, $9). You can use it over any ol' boring as Bran Flakes nail polish, and it gives you insta-edge of darkness. Like you might be a sexy undertaker.

Wined Out Lips

There's nothing better than a dramatic ass lip statement when you're feeling super dramatic in your brain. It evokes images of wine drinking (which I will be partaking in, well, always) and smoking a cigarette out of one of those long cigarette holder things (which I would only do in my imagination). The most theatric 'stick of the bunch is Urban Decay's Revolution Lipstick in Shame (Sephora, $22), which is a really deep berry color that gives you immediate street cred. It's moodiness in a tube.

A Thin (or Thick. or Smudged.) Black Line

I hate to break it to you, sister, but you only have two eye options during these dark and uncertain times: winged liquid liner or a smudged out lid. It's in the "I'm Moping Handbook." Not to be confused with the "I'm Mopping Handbook," which is effing boring and should be avoided at all costs. Smudgy-lined eyes and this MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Shadow Pencil (Sephora, $20) in matte taupe grey (4E) go together like Hot Topic and strategically ripped fishnet tights. It's not a liner, it's a chubby waterproof pencil, so it literally takes 3 seconds and .098% effort to apply. It's a match made in sadness heaven.

Okay, end of list. We can now commence with our sad and dramatic reclining on a tufted chaise lounges in rooms darkened by drawn velvet curtains of quasi-despair. With badass b*tch lipstick. But just in case you really are in need of lifted spirits, I gift you with this:

Don't you feel better after seeing KK's cry face? It's an sure fire cure to the Wintertime doldrums.

Every time Kim cries, an angel gets its wings. Happy Holidays.

Pin It

Just in Case You Feel Like Judging the Sh*t Out of Someone, This is What I Did Today.

Yep. This is real life.

Pin It

Obligatory Halloween Post: Crap That Scared Me When I Was a Kid

I effing love Halloween. I love scary ish, costumes, when stuff gets weird -- all of it is awesome to me. And I've always been this way.

Oh, who's that badass witch, complete with wig and possible brown face (yikes)? Yup, that's me. I go all out, even at five. I really tried to find a picture of the year when I dressed up as a birthday cake and made my costume, but it's mysteriously missing. Count yourself lucky.

Anyway, I always loved scary crap, whether it happened around Halloween or not. I LOVED Roald Dahl as a kid, and The Witches was one of my favorite books. And the movie was my total jam, but that ish was scary.

Am I right, or what? Anjelica Huston is a lovely woman, but that b horrified me when I was a kid. A couple of years later, I got into Christopher Pike/RL Stine books. (And don't come to me with that Goosebumps garbage.)

I read so friggin' many of these books in late elementary/middle school. They were all based around teenaged kids with secrets and crap. I can't really remember, but I feel like they were scary versions of Swan's Crossing.



EDIT: I just remember that I WROTE a Christopher Pike-esque book in middle school. It was horrible. (Clearly.)

But something that really scared the ish out of me was Are You Afraid of the Dark?



The sad part is that I was TOO OLD TO BE SCARED OF THIS MESS. I remember CRYING over an episode about a ghost and couldn't sleep, and I was like 15. That is not even appropriate. I am so dumb.



What were you guys scared of when you were kids? I'm still scared of ghosts. Homey don't play that mess.


Pin It

What's in Yo' Bag?

It's no secret that I'm a "makeup" person. B, please. Why else am I even on this planet? And, yes, I'm one of those annoying w's that wears makeup to workout, go to the beach, or use a portapotty. I mean, I used to wear fake eyelashes almost on the daily. I'm a ridiculous, ridiculous person. That being said, it should come as a surprise to NO ONE that I keep an emergency makeup kit in my purse at all times. If I happen to leave my huge makeup bag at home, I will not be caught bare faced and fugged up in this piece.

sephora, $20

For face, the easiest one step quick fix product for me is Sephora Collection Matifying Compact Foundation. You can throw this on in the car without even taking a glimpse at your mug. Ish is easy. And I also like to use it as a finishing powder on top on my liquid foundation for full coverage, and for touch ups during the day.

cvs, $3.99

I have not been shy about my love for Maybelline Expert Eyes Brow & Eye Pencil Duo in Blonde. I love these pencils for a cheap, quick eyebrow defining moment. In my big girl makeup kit, I have actually been using another brow pencil (GASP!), but these kittens will always be my down ass b's.  

P.S. I know some of you are all, "Eyebrow pencil is part of an EMERGENCY kit???" And the answer to that is, duh -- of course.

walmart, $7.84

I won't go anywhere without L'Oreal Paris Infallible Eyeliner in Carbon Black in my bag. This mess will stay all up on your face. It's totally the HBIC when it comes to drugstore eyeliners. To keep it real on my "natural gym/beach/who, me wearing makeup? face," I like to wiggle and dot it on my lash line, just to give the illusion of thicker lashes.

free sample in this b

You've GOT to have a mascara in your baby sized bag of tricks. And I love to use a free sample sized version of a sexxxy ass mascara. Plus that ish is free -- you can't beat them apples. Whether it's from your saved up points from Sephora, or a gift with purchase from a department store, make sure you use that crap and don't let it sit there and get all dried up in your big daddy makeup kit.

hsn, $36

Someone gave me this Shiseido Benefiance Full Correction Lip Treatment a while back, and I am completely obsessed with it. It works to plump and get rid of those bleh lines around your lips in some kind of way. I don't know the science, but it's the business. It's perfect for the emergency kit, because it's colorless, but gives a nice shine to your pucker.

Those are all of my purse angels that must stay near me at all times. Do you guys keep an emergency makeup kit on your person? Am I a crazy ass weirdo? (Don't answer that.)

Pin It

Have You Guys Heard? Miley Cyrus Works Out.

I must start this out by saying that I follow ol' MC (no, not Mariah Carey) on Twitter. I know, there is no good reason for a damn 31 year old woman to follow Miley Cyrus, but here we are. I have noticed a trend with Miley over the past couple of weeks. B LOVES to show a belly-showing self photo on the Twitter. Don't believe me?

Okay, honey boo boo. OH-KAY. Yoooooou (Soulja Boy, Tell 'Em) look good. You been pilates-ing more than Joseph Pilates could ever even imagine in his wildest dreams, during an amazing night's sleep after reading Good Night Moon or even a Berenstain Bears book on working out. We gots it. But you know who has two thumbs and can't even judge yo' ass? This guy.

See? I totally  win the douche award from at least '99-'01, and possibly even currently. Please believe if Twitter (or even Myspace) were around in the late 90's/early 00's, my everything would probably be all over everything. Praise baby Jesus that I'm an old ass b.

pic via buzz feed

So go 'head Miley. You do you.


Pin It

Have Crap, Will Travel

I went on a trip this past weekend, because I'm a baller (I'm totally not), and I was reminded just how much it sucks to travel when it comes to beauty products. My husband was all, "We'll only be gone a couple days, let's just do carry on luggage." He promptly got this reaction:



Mens (and parents -- thanks Fresh Prince) just don't understand. You can't do carry on, because you're limited to like 1.5 liquid items, or whatever, and they have to be -0.9238438 oz or something and fit in a plastic bag the size of a thimble. (I'm not googling that info. Lazy ride or die, all day, 'err day.) My husband acted like I was crazy in the brains, because b uses a bar of Irish Spring and ish as his only beauty item. Whatevs, I'm high maintenance...Have we met?

So, I'm back, and thinking about what I SHOULD have brought with me.

My Mom just gave me this badass Romancing the Glow palette from tarte. (QVC, for $39.98) It's a perfect traveler -- not this kind, but still:
 


But it's got six eyeshadow shades, a big blush, bronzer, and a highlighter. Plus, it's got the amazonian clay goodness in it, mmmkay? My mom totally gets me.

I also did not bring my L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Conditioner (Amazon, about $6), even though it would have saved me a lot of space in my suitcase. My head is mostly used for a hat rack. What can I say? I love this ish, and it has one of those pumps on top that lock, so it's pretty spill-proof.

Urban Decay's 24/7 Eye Pencil in Perversion (Sephora, $19) is pretty, pretty good. It stays the hell on, through A LOT, including falling asleep on your seat neighbor's shoulder on the plane (all without smearing). And it's as black tar! (Which is a good thing, if you're wondering.) My only complaint on this b is that I wish it was not a pencil you had to sharpen. Make it in a click-up pencil. I beg of you!

Those are my picks for travel! (Still going to check my bags, I'm not a vagrant.)

Do you guys have any travel favorites? Share with a b!



Pin It

Seriously, Don't Watch This. It's Terrible.

Pin It

I Enjoy Drinking Weird Crap

 The first let's say 'non-traditional' thing I drink is Kombucha. It's supposed to deliver antioxidants, probiotics, and help your body rid itself of toxins. Hell if I know. It has gunky stuff in the bottom (or sometimes Chia seeds, yay!) and kind of tastes vinegary. Are you sold yet? Thought so. I usually drink the 'enlightened' version, because the original has .5% alcohol in it, and sometimes when you're driving or whatever it's not COMPLETELY appropriate to be drinking alch' tea. Remember when Lindsay Lohan said her alcohol ankle monitor went off because she drank tea? The original Kombucha was the alleged offender. It's as badass as a tea can be.

I also drink more traditional (kind of) teas. I love Guayaki Yerba Mate teas. It kind of tastes like leaves in hot water, but who doesn't like that? It's made from the leaves (See? Leaves!) of a South American tree, and gives you energy and focus. It one of those ancient-type deals. Fun, right? 

Similarly, Tulsi is an ancient Indian plant known as Holy Basil that is used to energize and calm (???). I don't know how that's possible, but don't you guys feel worldly right now?

I also like random flavorings of more traditional teas. Coconut Chai black tea? It's gurrrd, you guys!

The last thing I like to drink you might have heard of. FRS is endorsed by a lot of athletes, including Lance Armstrong. It's main ingredient is Quercitin, which is found in blueberries and red onions and such. Listen, I don't know how it works but it doesn't have a lot of caffeine (about as much as 1/4 cup of coffee) but it gives me crazy energy, but not cracky energy. I like to drink this before I workout. It's the bizz-nass. You can read about the science behind it on the FRS website.

I also eat some crazy stuff, but I'll save that for another day. Do you guys drink any cray cray drinks? Am I missing out on something that I need to add to my insane lineup?

Pin It

Code ORANGE!

I was perusing the ol' Facebook earlier today, checking out people's Halloween pictures. (One of my favorite pastimes, BT-dubs. I can silently judge people. But now I'm blogging about it...Whoopsie?) I noticed an issue with a lot of girls/ladies/young women/whatevs. No, not the slutiness/tininess/low rent-ness of the costumes. Do your thang, girl! It's Halloween! No, this was something much more sinister. So many b's were way too damn tan! It looked like a dang Valencia orange grove up in there! Let's explore this issue...I'll even talk ish about myself!


I mean, sh*t! Look at me! I was too tan even on my wedding day. And those pictures WON'T DIE! I was a tanorexic b for a looooong time. Not. Cute. But don't worry! I'm not the only one.


Ol' Xtina (Remember that?!?) has been too tan forever, along with a long list of other celebrities. See: Everyone on Jerseylicious. (Yes, I'm stretching at the term "celebrity.") Baseball mitts, anyone?


Oh these two. Even swag-a-rific designers aren't immune to this is. You know Anne Hathaway is thinking, "If this b gets his crazy ass bronzer all over my porcelain skin, I will scream!" (You know she's a stomping, screaming kind. Look at her face. It's okay, Annie. I am too!) I can't even with Donatella. She's just filed under: Too. Much.


And you KNOW I couldn't forget about America's sweetheart! B*tch got 99 problems, and her tan is one. Honey, you SELL SELF TANNER. Get it together!

I'm pleading with everyone. Being too tan is not cute! It's a real thing! C'mon peeps. Let's kick this ish together, and self tan in moderation. (NO TANNING BEDS!)

PSA, anyone? Pin It

Time to Freshen That Mess Up!

Okay, I have not been overly barraged with Summer's Eve commercials (Although, I kind of have, and I give them snaps [shoutout Clueless] for the creativity. And spot buying power. Damn I see those b's a lot.). Anyway, this is not a post on your feminine hygiene. I don't know your life, maybe you have that on lock down; maybe you don't. So get your (my) mind out of the gutter (impossible) and let's talk about your hair.

Do you ever feel like your hair is just kind of...meh? Not that shiny, not very lively, not very Jhirmack bounce back beautiful hairy? So you use more conditioner and products, and you still have bad hair? You might need a little clarifying in your life. Using a clarifying shampoo can get rid of all of that stuff we use every day. Moroccan Oil, Biosilk, leave-in conditioner, whatever. Once again, I don't know your life.

 This is what I currently use. It's from Rusk, and it's pretty cheap ($10-$12) and you can buy it at CVS or wherever you choose to do your moderately low-rent beauty shopping. I use this stuff two to three times a week, but like I have said before, I am oily as hell. I also have super-fine hair. So that works for me. Whether I have platinum blonde, black, or somewhere in-between hair. But here's another little beauty factoid about me. I'm not scared, and I'm extreme. Just do what works for you and your hair type. 

If you're like, "But I dye my hair Rihanna cray cray red! Won't it fade my hair???" Yeah, probably. So if you're scared, or you have super fragile(istic) hair, consult a professional. Which I am not.

What do you guys think? Are you super clarifyers like me? Or do you like to let it marinate?
Pin It

Tell Me WTF To Do

I am a high heels, platforms, wedges as high as they make them kind of girl. Probably because I am short as a mofo and I have a complex with my legs being a-hem, "stumpy." But I digress...I have recently moved to a bigger city, that is much more conducive to actually walking places. Or like parallel parking and walking to your destination. Bleh. It is becoming increasingly tough to wear my beloved five and six inch heels all the time. So, I have been wearing flip flops more and more. I don't like flip flops. So here I am.

Toms. Are these me? Do I keep schlepping around in flip flops? I like their whole give a pair of shoes to needy kids for every pair they sell thing. What do you guys think? I'm facing an internal war of glam versus flats! I need help. Pin It

Why Can't I Quit You, F21?

I effing love Forever 21. I can't help it. I'm too old to shop there; got it. But there's just something about rifling through all the piles of cheap crap that's like black tar heroin to me. And my most favoritest (???) part of F21 are the accessories. They are cheap as hell. And I love it.

Ahhhh, I love a cluster eff of bracelets. I'm a gaudy ass bitch, yesss'm. And I got that panther/tigery little treasure the other day at F21. It was like $3 or something! Do you guys share my passion for the ol' 2-1?

P.S. I also got some other good stuff like big ass door knocker earrings. What up!

P.P.S. I'm afraid this is turning into a blog for cheap b's. Sigh. Pin It

Requested Post: Don't Use Crap Brushes

I think I have been watching too much My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. (Maybe I'll post on that elegance later...) I feel like I have started using their vernacular. Yesterday I said, "It's driving me mad!" Now I just typed "crap brushes." And kept it. Anyway, this is a requested post by my friend, Holly O. Makeup brushes can be confusing, I know. But if you are using any brush that came with something you bought, put that ish down and start reading. And if I find out you are using one of those little sponge tip thingys to put on eyeshadow, you are getting punched.

Pin It