Live Blogging The Oscars: Why The Eff Not?

I live blogged the Oscars, so if you're into boring stuff you can read it all after the jump. Wiggy and I won the award for "Biggest A-holes," in case you were wondering.

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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Will Smith, For Having a Chico's Kind Of Day At A Grammys After-Party

While skimming this article over at BuzzFeed, I came across this photo of Will Smith at a Grammys after-party:

pic via buzzfeed

What. The. Eff. Is. Happening. Here? This looks just like an outfit that your Auntie Paula, who is a middle school receptionist with this haircut, would wear with some kicky clogs to work because, TGIF. Or maybe an ensemble a woman who is going on a first date post-divorce with a nice manager of a local Honda dealership that she met on Plenty of Fish would put together. This is not an outfit that a man wears to A GRAMMY EFFING PARTY.

Stella needs to get her groove back.





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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Vagina Armpits, As Brought To The Forefront By Jennifer Lawrence

I have a long and sordid history with vag 'pits. I lived through the early-to-mid 2000s, when you couldn't walk to the f*cking mailbox without wearing a tube top, so, of course, this is very familiar territory for me. So. Many. Skin. Folds. And thanks to J Law's unfiltered ass at the SAG Awards the other night, it looks as if all of our armpit afflictions might have a new celebrity spokesperson.

via people

I don't know if the general population has been calling excess armpit fat/skin/whatever that sh*t is by this name, or if it's just an underground movement, but I'm glad it's all out in the open. Thanks, Jennifer, once again you've saved us all with your limitless bravery.

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The Award For The Ho With The Hottest Hair From The Golden Globes Goes To...

JORDAN CATALANO! Or Jared Leto, if you enjoy real people names. Like there was any other lame ass choices available in that vanilla pudding menagerie. Thank you, JJ for bringing bringing light to this lazy ass style from yesteryear. I have worn this hairstyle countless times, most often like this:

EXCUSE MY EFFING BEAUTY

Or, while working on my fitness (Ha! like I do that.), or while cleaning stuff (Ha! yeah, right). Wow, I really need to get my sh*t together.

Let's not get this twisted, though. If Ricky Vasquez popped up at the Globes, I would be doing an at-home perm RIGHT THIS SECOND.

What hairstyle will Leto bring back next? Banana clips? Those tiny, glittery butterfly clips? A bump-it? I'm really voting for these, because they're my sh*t, and it would be great to be able to not have judge-filled eyes resting upon my beautiful hair clip the next time I leave the house (Ha! like I do that, either).

I can't wait to see what majestic hair pieces you plan on bringing next time, Jordy. But until then, work that updo, honey.



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My Open Letter to the VMAs

Hey MTV,

How's it been going for your asses lately? I'm pretty well-outside your target demographic, so I don't usually watch your sh*t much, anymore. (Except Catfish. Get Slow Clap from last night's episode his own True Life, immediately.) But I did DVR the VMAs to see if there was anything that my old ass gave one f*ck about, and here's what I noticed.

Every b*tch on the block is super up-in-arms over Miley Cyrus' "risque" performance, to which I say, mullet, please. Homegirl is 20 YEARS OLD. Do you know what my trash bag ass would have been doing on a stage at this age? Thank you, universe, for no cell phone cameras in the early 00's, or I would have proof of my skank antics. I'm not impressed.

I do have two issues with Miley, as of late. First, I know that I'm as old as sh*t, but what's with the tongue thing? You have a long tongue area. Yay?

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

My other problem with MC is this:

Boo Boo Thang thinks she can dance. And you, MTV VMAs, are encouraging that effery. Listen, Miley seems like a nice enough, albeit kind of annoying, young lady. But I have f*cking had quite enough of this world collectively pretending like this baby Pinocchio can twerk. It's not good, Miley.

By this time, I'm sure you've seen Rih Rih's (and her friend that looks like Monica circa '99) unimpressed c-face over Miley's performance. But, here's the best reaction from the crowd:

I feel you, sir. It's all very, very confusing. Let's move on.

Next, I need to holla at the costume department, because you guys need to get your sh*t together. Most of the "older" (Heeeey, dudes my age. Whaddup?) guys' clothes were WAY TOO F*CKING TIGHT and unflattering. We ain't in our 20's anymore, Robin, and stretchy suits only stretch so much. Lycra isn't a damn miracle worker.

Then the angel of my heart, and the star of the VMAs showed up, right in the middle of JT's 2 hour long concert.

No, not all of 'N Sync. (By the way, can we talk about what an awful name 'N Sync is for a boy band? It's the cheesiest. Sorry, Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.)

I'm talking about this magnificent unicorn:

Chris Kirkpatrick, in all of his ill-fitting suit glory. (RIP, multicolored Chris Kirkpatrick braids. My weave wept for your passing.)

I mean, look how OUT OF SYNC he is with his dance moves. IT'S EFFING ADORABLE.

 And his "super try hard" face. Or, it could have been his pants ripping, because like I said...

Sh*t was tight last night in the mens' suit department. But the best second of the night was this moment:

K-Pat's all like, "Damn, I don't know if my nearing-middle-aged ass can keep dancing. ARRRGGHHHA. What's next? 'Bye Bye Bye' hands?" And then JT's like, "Are you serious, man? It's 30 seconds. Try mall walking on Sundays, or something, dude." NIGHT OVER.

So, listen, MTV. Just let Chris Kirkpatrick come out with a dance show, or some sh*t. But let the man's suit out a damn inch or two.

Love Always,

Shannon

P.S. This sh*t was awkward for all, JC.

Your singing portion was over, time to take a seat. Stop trying to make a solo happen. This isn't an episode of Glee.

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Hair Had a Turrible, Turrible Night Last Night

So the SAG Awards happened last night, and although I never watch awards shows, because that sh*t is super boring, I do like to look at red carpet pictures. And judge them. Duh, have we met? And while I perused the photos over on Buzzfeed, I noticed a very tragic theme. People were werking some horrendous hair, overall.

WTF, Baldwin? I turn to your ass to be the hot old dude. WHAT IS THIS?

Frieda Pinto is a beautiful mofo, and she looks like she's chaperoning a school dance.

Put down the flat iron, Timmy. This is completely gross, and makes you look old.

No, Megan Draper. Zooby Zooby...No.

I LOVE YOU, Jon Hamm, but you look like someone photoshopped your face into this picture. It's weirding me out, man.

And I don't even know what in hair helmet hell I'm looking at here.

 I mean, amiright???

via realitytvgifs

UPDATE IN THIS B:

There seems to be some dissension in the ranks, m'ladies and gents. (I just finished watching Downton. Get off me.) I just received this text from my friend, who CLEARLY disagrees with my JT reading.

This isn't a friggin' totalitarian state, you guys. (Bringing it back to middle school history ish.) Am I way off on any of these? Free yo' mind...and the rest will follow.


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The Big Ol' WTF From the SAG Awards

 

Seriously, Wiig? I hope that this is how we got here: Kristen was playing memory lane dress up (where you put on weird crap that you own from a million years ago) right before the SAG Awards, and she threw on her most heinous choker from circa '98. (She's funny! It amuses her!) Meanwhile, her friend was ironically (hilariously) gluing on Lee brand press-on nails right behind her. Somehow the nail glue droplets fell into the choker's attaching apparatus thingy, locking the horrible choker onto Wiig's neck! And Wiig has a scissor phobia, so she doesn't keep any in her house, rendering her completely unable to remove the gross choker! At this point, she just has to throw on her decent but pretty 'meh' dress and skedaddle! 

That's the only possible explanation. Or a wild west posse forced her to wear that mess at gunpoint. That's it.

P.S. I don't care that it's some old ass Fred Leighton bougie bougie boo boo stuff. A mess is a mess is a mess.

P.P.S. Her makeup looks pretty.


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