I live blogged the Oscars, so if you're into boring stuff you can read it all after the jump. Wiggy and I won the award for "Biggest A-holes," in case you were wondering.
12:00 ET: It's over. Go the eff to sleep!
11:58 ET: I'm really glad 12 Years a Slave won, it's an incredible movie. Watch it if you haven't and prepare to feel sad as eff.
11:55 ET: I'll say this for Matthew McConaughey -- homeboy stays true to his kooky ass.
11:48 ET: DON'T LAUGH AT JENNIFER LAWRENCE. She will yell at you.
11:21 ET: I could do without at least two hours of this mess.
11:10 ET: HOLY EFF. Johnny Travolta asked for the lace-front of a 17 year old boy tonight from his wig closet.
11:05 ET: Wait, that Philomena movie is about murder shit? I thought it was about old people. I might want to see that.
10:50 ET: It's officially been 20 minutes, and I don't have anything to note. But, seriously, what do you guys think that Leto uses on his hair? I bet he's an Apple Cider Vinegar/no-poo person. He just looks like the type.
10:30 ET: These two are magic.
10:26 ET: I watched Jennifer Lawrence eat pizza, then I lost focus again.
P.S. We get it Jordan Catalano, you love your mom and give her delicious pizza.
10:15 ET: LUPITA!!! No one could match this lady's perfection this year. Everyone else can sit the hell down.
10:11 ET: I 100% tuned out the last ten minutes. Sorry, sound people.
10:00 ET: Please, Meryl has NO idea was a retweet is. She only caresses novels made from ancient linen.
9:55 ET: Don't hurt yourself, Bono.
9:43 ET: Can we all agree that Angela Lansbury is the hottest bitch of all bitches?
9:39 ET: Did EVERYONE die in the documentary category this year? Jay-sus, this is depressing.
9:37 ET: The Coop's hair looks wig-ish and, also, I like that shit.
9:24 ET: You mean Zac Efron isn't here because he was nominated for That Awkward Moment?
9:16 ET: Ten years ago, could anyone have ever predicted that Dax Shepard would be attending the Oscars?
9:13 ET: This dude should win an award for most adorably awkward French person in the world.
9:03 ET: So, Harrison Ford is still trying to make that earring happen...
And I'm like:
9:00 ET: I forgot to say how much I love Camilla Alves' cape-y dress. GD-it, I love a good cape.
8:57 ET: Naomi Watts' hair swoop is bringing back serious 7th grade feelings for me.
8:51 ET: Pharrell's background dancers' choreography by Carlton Banks.
8:44 ET: Dammit, Leto. You just started an ovary-bursting earthquake.
8:43 ET: "And the Oscar for everything goes to...Jared Leto's flowing mane."
8:40 ET: What the eff are these weird yard gnome Oscar things all over the stage?
8:37 ET: I don't usually love Ellen's style of humor, but she's bringing the bitchiness tonight, and I highly approve.
8:30 ET: Ellen looks like Elton John dressed dressed as a British judge. Into it.
8:14 ET: Who is this pocket-sized, bespectacled Matt Lauer-looking ABC dude?
8:13 ET: Okay, okay. Work that ascot, Will Smith.
8:08 ET: I switched to ABC due to extreme boredom. And at least it's sans mani cam.
7:53 ET: Ugh. No one looks like shit yet. Boring.
7:41 ET: Kerry Washington's lipstick is gorgeous.
7: 33 ET: Are we going to let a girl from The Hills talk shit about Kate Blanchett's skin tone? I don't effing think so.
7:30 ET: YOU GUYS, J LAW FELL AGAIN. This can't be real, but my love for her totally is.
7:29 ET: Puuurty sure that Matty M has NO idea what a selfie might be.
7:25 ET: P.S. Wiggy and I know you ripped off my hair game, Leto. Rude.
7:23 ET: Can I just rip off Kate Blanchett's skin and wear it a la Buffalo Bill? She's so effing glowy.
7:21 ET: I LOVE Sarah Paulson. Everything about her.
7:16 ET: Kevin Spacey looks really, really great. No hate.
7:15 ET: What the eff, Boobs McServingemonaplate behind Cumberbatch?!?
7:14 ET: Sherlock copped some highlights, y'all.
7:11 ET: I just realized I have zero drops of wine in my house. HOW WILL I MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT?
7:08 ET: "Jared! Jared! What surf spray are you wearing? Who applied all that bronzer?"
7:04 ET: Damn, Ryan. Way to just shove a b out the way.
7:03 ET: Seriously, with the mani cam. Staaaaaahp it.
7:01 ET: I know I really can't shut the hell up about Lupita, but that dress is incredible. THAT PLEATING. THAT CLAVICLE.
6:59 ET: RYAN SEACREST, DON'T YOU DARE MAKE LUPITA WAIT TO BE INTERVIEWED, YOU HAG.
6:57 ET: Thank Jesus Ethan Hawke cut his friggin' hair. He was looking like a jacked up Keith Urban for the longest.
6:50 ET: Pharrell is wearing damn shorts. #surfboard
6:48 ET: I mean...come on.
6: 47 ET: Uh, Lupita looks effing incredible. Like damn Cinderella but hotter.
6:45 ET: Okay, here we go. Turning on E! for pre-Oscars shit. Please, no mani cam, no mani cam. Son of a bitch. Immediate awkward mani cam. Pin It
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