Sunday, March 2, 2014

Live Blogging The Oscars: Why The Eff Not?


I live blogged the Oscars, so if you're into boring stuff you can read it all after the jump. Wiggy and I won the award for "Biggest A-holes," in case you were wondering.



12:00 ET: It's over. Go the eff to sleep!

11:58 ET: I'm really glad 12 Years a Slave won, it's an incredible movie. Watch it if you haven't and prepare to feel sad as eff.

11:55 ET: I'll say this for Matthew McConaughey -- homeboy stays true to his kooky ass.


11:48 ET: DON'T LAUGH AT JENNIFER LAWRENCE. She will yell at you.

11:21 ET: I could do without at least two hours of this mess.

11:10 ET: HOLY EFF. Johnny Travolta asked for the lace-front of a 17 year old boy tonight from his wig closet.

Sheeeet.


 11:05 ET: Wait, that Philomena movie is about murder shit? I thought it was about old people. I might want to see that.

10:50 ET: It's officially been 20 minutes, and I don't have anything to note. But, seriously, what do you guys think that Leto uses on his hair? I bet he's an Apple Cider Vinegar/no-poo person. He just looks like the type.

10:30 ET: These two are magic.




10:26 ET: I watched Jennifer Lawrence eat pizza, then I lost focus again.


P.S. We get it Jordan Catalano, you love your mom and give her delicious pizza.

10:15 ET: LUPITA!!! No one could match this lady's perfection this year. Everyone else can sit the hell down.


 10:11 ET: I 100% tuned out the last ten minutes. Sorry, sound people.

10:00 ET: Please, Meryl has NO idea was a retweet is. She only caresses novels made from ancient linen.

 
9:55 ET: Don't hurt yourself, Bono.



9:43 ET: Can we all agree that Angela Lansbury is the hottest bitch of all bitches?


 9:39 ET: Did EVERYONE die in the documentary category this year? Jay-sus, this is depressing.

9:37 ET: The Coop's hair looks wig-ish and, also, I like that shit.

9:24 ET: You mean Zac Efron isn't here because he was nominated for That Awkward Moment?

9:16 ET: Ten years ago, could anyone have ever predicted that Dax Shepard would be attending the Oscars?

9:13 ET: This dude should win an award for most adorably awkward French person in the world.

9:03 ET: So, Harrison Ford is still trying to make that earring happen...


And I'm like:


9:00 ET: I forgot to say how much I love Camilla Alves' cape-y dress. GD-it, I love a good cape.


8:57 ET: Naomi Watts' hair swoop is bringing back serious 7th grade feelings for me.

8:51 ET: Pharrell's background dancers' choreography by Carlton Banks.

8:44 ET: Dammit, Leto. You just started an ovary-bursting earthquake.

8:43 ET: "And the Oscar for everything goes to...Jared Leto's flowing mane."

8:40 ET: What the eff are these weird yard gnome Oscar things all over the stage?

8:37 ET: I don't usually love Ellen's style of humor, but she's bringing the bitchiness tonight, and I highly approve.

8:30 ET: Ellen looks like Elton John dressed dressed as a British judge. Into it.


8:14 ET: Who is this pocket-sized, bespectacled Matt Lauer-looking ABC dude?

8:13 ET: Okay, okay. Work that ascot, Will Smith.

8:08 ET: I switched to ABC due to extreme boredom. And at least it's sans mani cam.

7:53 ET: Ugh. No one looks like shit yet. Boring.

7:41 ET: Kerry Washington's lipstick is gorgeous.


7: 33 ET: Are we going to let a girl from The Hills talk shit about Kate Blanchett's skin tone? I don't effing think so.

7:30 ET: YOU GUYS, J LAW FELL AGAIN. This can't be real, but my love for her totally is.





7:29 ET: Puuurty sure that Matty M has NO idea what a selfie might be.

7:25 ET: P.S. Wiggy and I know you ripped off my hair game, Leto. Rude.

 
 7:23 ET: Can I just rip off Kate Blanchett's skin and wear it a la Buffalo Bill? She's so effing glowy.

7:21 ET: I LOVE Sarah Paulson. Everything about her.

7:16 ET: Kevin Spacey looks really, really great. No hate.

7:15 ET: What the eff, Boobs McServingemonaplate behind Cumberbatch?!?

7:14 ET: Sherlock copped some highlights, y'all.

7:11 ET: I just realized I have zero drops of wine in my house. HOW WILL I MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT?

7:08 ET: "Jared! Jared! What surf spray are you wearing? Who applied all that bronzer?"



 7:04 ET: Damn, Ryan. Way to just shove a b out the way.

7:03 ET: Seriously, with the mani cam. Staaaaaahp it.

7:01 ET: I know I really can't shut the hell up about Lupita, but that dress is incredible. THAT PLEATING. THAT CLAVICLE. 

6:59 ET: RYAN SEACREST, DON'T YOU DARE MAKE LUPITA WAIT TO BE INTERVIEWED, YOU HAG.

6:57 ET: Thank Jesus Ethan Hawke cut his friggin' hair. He was looking like a jacked up Keith Urban for the longest.

6:50 ET: Pharrell is wearing damn shorts. #surfboard


6:48 ET: I mean...come on.


6: 47 ET: Uh, Lupita looks effing incredible. Like damn Cinderella but hotter.

6:45 ET: Okay, here we go. Turning on E! for pre-Oscars shit. Please, no mani cam, no mani cam. Son of a bitch. Immediate awkward mani cam. Pin It

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