Sex Up Your Eyes In One(ish) Step

Last week, I told you how to make your face that of a bad mofo in a snap. This week, we're going on the world's shortest magical journey from blah eyeballs to sexy time orbs. Get your freak on.

This is where we are starting. With a face that says, "I'm a perfectly nice person. Everything is fine." And also maybe, "I'm a woman of a certain age and I need several catnaps."

Luckily, we can kick up the sexy in (almost/kind of) one step. Just grab your favorite black eyeliner and meet me back here. I'll be using the Maybelline Master Kajal in Onyx Rush that CVS Beauty Club sent me a while back, but you can use whatever the hell you feel like, as long as it's black and sensual. (I don't know what that means, per se.)

First, line your upper and lower waterlines and your upper lash line.

Then smudge only the upper lash line. Now here's the biggest part: Take a matte black shadow and pat it on both your waterline and your upper lash line. This will not only keep that shit from wandering all about your face (especially if you're an oily flower like myself), but will up the boldness by several notches. Like 37 notches. Well-endowed notches.

That's it! Sexual realness in (mostly) one step. I know, you're all, "But it's just smudgy black eyeliner." Kind of, but that last eyeshadow step is what makes those peepers look like your residential address is 1234 Sexy Mofo Lane, Smolder, Colorado. I promise your sweet ass.

The finished product has my face saying, "I work part-time as a sex machine. Or something. But not WORK work." Well, in my case it says more, "I have no idea how to be sexual and I still need a damn nap," but you get the point.

And just in case you forgot what my OG mug looked like, here's a little comparison. Okay, I now totally get why people are all, "Are you sick? Is it the Black Plague? Should I leave?" when I don't wear eyeliner. I GET IT NOW, WORLD. I GET IT.

via realitytvgifs

It won't happen again.








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Nic Cage Wore A CRAZY ASS Outfit To A Guns N' Roses Concert

via gnr's facebook

Nicolas Cage showed up to a GNR concert wearing this insane shit this weekend. Just soak it all in for a moment. Oh, and Andrew Dice Clay was also in attendance, because of course.

Maybe we should get a closer look at all of this effery. And, yes, that's Nic Cage's meme face on Nic Cage's shirt.

Here's a checklist of what we're dealing with here:

1. An Ann Taylor Loft blazer
2. A well-formed cowboy hat
3. Henry VIII's hand jewels and cane thing
4. Sunglasses inside
5. All of your gam gam's "fancy" necklaces at once
6. A possible holster/fringed chaps (assless-ness unknown)
7. HIS OWN FACE
8. Red wine teeth (I'm assuming)

This is what this outfit just did to my eyeballs:

Thanks, outfit.



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Quick Sh*t: Watch Vin Diesel Lip Synching To Katy Perry And Dancing To Beyoncé All By His Lonesome. In Cargo Shorts. #Surfboard

Post by Vin Diesel.

If that didn't make you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably Superman, and therefore, invincible. Congratulations.

P.S. I see that Vin is still trying to make tank tops and camo cargo shorts happen, like it's 2004 all over again. Yay?


via Vin's Facebook page


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Let Us All Collectively Scream, "NOOOOOO," Because Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are, Like, Really Together.

pic via us weekly

You literally CANNOT tell me that the picture above doesn't look like a scary, sun-weathered hobo abducting a beautiful, unicorn-riding princess. It's actually impossible. Your brain-to-mouth waves won't allow you to live a lie like that.

I've been living in a deep hole (heh) of denial for the past couple of weeks, hoping against hope that the rumblings of these two sitting in a tree were all a big fat lies. But there's no denying that it's true now. Thanks a bunch, US Weekly.

This is terrible news, you guys. If an expired bag of beef jerky, left out in the sun for seven months can find themselves with a stunning alien queen of a human, then what else is possible? I just googled "are monsters real," just to make sure I'm not living in a world that's gone mad. I'm not even the only one wondering. Or maybe it's just opposite day? (month? life?) I can't deal with this world if this is real, real.

via realitytvgifs

Bottoms up, b*tches.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lil' Waynes NEWEST Face Tattoo. (The Old Ones are Kind of Grandfathered in, I Guess.)

pic via spin

I mean, I really didn't even think that this needed to be said, but apparently, it does: Tattooing sh*t on your face is not a great idea. Not only did Lil' Wayne (Side note -- how long in life can one be known as "Lil'" whatever? Is there an age cap on that? I feel like if you are a septuagenarian, or something, it's gone on far too long.) get another face tattoo, but this one reads "BAKED" in squares. It's apparently in reference to a skateboard company competitor? Or something? I don't know, you go try to figure that mess out. I'm far, far too old to know what the eff all of this means.

One thing that I do feel pretty, pretty confident about is not getting a tattoo...on your face. Especially when it's a possible advertising ploy. Like, you realize that is your FACE face, right? And you already have a bunch of OTHER tattoos on that b? You only have one forehead, Lil'. Let's not make it a cluttered Penny Saver advertising page. IT'S YOUR FACE, MAN.

via realitytvgifs

You look crazy.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Keanu Reeves' Turrible, Turrible Facial Hair

pic via celebitchy

Keanu Reeves is a hot ho, but homeboy is pushing the damn limits in this b. That facial hair looks like he shaved a nutria and glued its hair on his face, and not even particularly well. That ish is NOT an effin' complement.

I haven't seen a beard this bad since Justin Timberlake's neckbeard of circa '07.

That crap made rage boil inside my veins. Don't look surprised, Timberlake. You know you look like a friggin' asshat. Gross beards are the Devil's playground, and that is my public service announcement for dudes that are fighting the hot. Clean it up, fellas. Not. Cute. And for that, Keanu, you and your old timey hobo beard are the GUUUURL of the day.

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