As I'm sure you've heard MF-ing everywhere today, the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out. I know that a lot of people are really excited about this sexual release (heh, I'm 13), but I happen to give exactly zero effs about this movie. I was not into the books, and now this trailer is even making me question my attraction to Jamie Dornan, which is some extreme shit.
So, instead of forcing myself to feign interest in this nonsense, I've created a list of the top 50 things that I would rather watch than the Fifty Shades trailer. Please join my ass.
#50 -- Gregg's comedy routine
#49 --The Sex and the City episodes when Carrie is dating Aleksandr Petrovsky
#48 -- Kim Zolciak's solo reality show
#47 -- The Neverending Story 2
#46 -- This, forever.
#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8
#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other
#43 -- Anything this kid does
#42 -- Old people eating soup#46 -- This, forever.
#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8
#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other
#43 -- Anything this kid does
#41 -- A documentary about math homework
#40 -- Someone doing math homework
#39 -- A teacher grading math homework
#38 -- Any infomercial
#37 -- That guy picking up all of those Cheetos
#36 -- A movie about Britney Spears eating Cheetos
#35 -- Tammy thinking it wasn't not funny
#34 -- Paris Hilton dancing to her own music (I'm sure that happens a lot)
#33 -- One of my parents trying to open an email attachment
#32 -- A stranger browsing for culottes at Kohl's
#31 -- The Amy Fisher adult movie
#30 -- A John Wayne Bobbitt adult movie
#29 -- Dogs eating ice cream
#28 -- Cats eating ice cream
#27 -- The "My Heart Will Go On" Music Video
#26 -- A short animated film based on Cathy comics...
#25 -- ...voiced by a drunk Jessica Simpson
#24 -- Farrah Abraham crying
#23 -- Heidi Montag crying
#22 -- On the Line
#21 -- A Creed/Nickelback tribute band playing live
#20 -- Someone making a Fred Durst dick pic collage
#19 -- Tara Reid getting a pair of flared jeans hemmed
#18 -- Baby spiders hatching (nope, never mind)
#17 -- A trained baby spider circus (better)
#16 -- Trya Banks doing a monologue about herself
#15 -- A surveillance tape of alley rats rolling about in garbage
#14 -- Two glasses of milk warming to room temperature on the kitchen counter
#13 -- Katie Holmes painting her nails with a nude polish
#12 -- A remake of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
#11 -- Everyone in the world trying on Crocs at once
#10 -- A cow eating a bag of baby spinach
#9 -- Third graders learning how to play the recorder
#8 -- Richard Simmons creating an original choreography to "Party Rock Anthem"
#7 -- Myself in the mirror eating a pizza Lunchables
#6 -- Kristen Stewart washing her face with a bar of Ivory soap
#5 -- A rousing ShowBiz Pizza performance
#4 -- Dry ass toast sitting on a used Subway napkin
#3 -- Elizabeth Berkley reprising her Showgirls role in a community theater production
#2 -- All of the Kardashians shopping for hoop earrings at Claire's Boutique
#1 -- The Bachelor (just kidding, I choose death)
Are you guys excited about this movie? Am I just being a crotchety ole bitch, or what?
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