Who Would You Do: A Ranking Of Horror Movie Killers

I love horror movies. Even shitty ones. I also love to rank dudes. And as long as my brain and heart are keeping it 100, I really enjoy doing this because women are constantly being ranked like a mofo, and that is mildly-to-moderately annoying. So why not combine these two seemingly unrelated pastimes into a giant, awkward hodgepodge, by playing a game of who would you do, starring horror movie killers? Let's discuss who slayed our hearts (and other parts) and who killed us a little too softly.

#11 -- Pennywise the Clown

I mean, are you effing kidding me? If you find Pennywise attractive in any way, please escort yourself to the nearest exit. Those '90s-Pamela-Anderson-Lee eyebrows alone are enough to induce vivid-ass nightmares.

Verdict: I would rather stab my eyeballs out with one of those teeths than get on that.

#10 -- Chucky 

There's a murderer's soul trapped in a ginger doll's body, which makes for a pretty horrifying situation in the ol' sex department. And look how he's attacking that adorable, miniature King Jaffe. That bitch is just all shades of wrong, man.

Verdict: The only box that little guy is getting in is the one from the toy manufacturer.

#9 -- Freddy Krueger

Homie might not have the best looking mug on the block, but he can put together a decent outfit and even accessorizes pretty well. But his checkered past and sharp finger areas make him decidedly less sexually attractive.

Verdict: Hard pass on those knife phalanges. NOPE.

#8 -- Michael Myers 

MM has terrible hair, and we've only seen a flash of that precious murder face, but there's just something about this pasty-faced slow walker. Ladies love a man in a (janitorial) uniform?

Verdict: Solid maybe for that ill-fitting mask and those bedroom eye holes.

#7 -- Pinhead

Okay, so this dude's the biggest sadist in all of the universes, and his mouth is a real crime scene. But his makeup is kind of amazing, and his face is like a necklace hoarder's wet dream of a DIY Pinterest (heh) project.

Verdict: Ellie Goulding told me anything could happen, so who the hell knows.

#6 -- Jason Voorhees

I'm pretty, pretty sure under that mask lies a blazing hot mess, but I'm still intrigued by the mystery of it all. Someone call Dr. Tobias Fünke, I think I read too many R.L. Stine books in the '90s.

Verdict: Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

#5 -- Hannibal Lecter 

What's not to like about a smart, well-read doctor that loves to cook? And he's such a helper! (Note: The TV version of Dr. Lecter is seriously hot AF, no doubt.)

Verdict: Yes, but only eat at restaurants that you choose.

#4 -- Candyman

This guy used to scare the shit out of me, but in 1992 everyone was afraid of those freaky-bitches-that-popped-up-in-the-mirror-after-saying-their-name-multiple-times types. I see you, Bloody Mary. Upon further reflection (ZING!), CM is pretty hot (that jawline!) and is a boss at pulling off that sexy-whisper voice.

Verdict: Buzz on over to my (lady) flower.

#3 -- Buffalo Bill 

Bill is hot, and he knows it. He's so confident in his tuck! He looks phenomenal in a kimono! And even he would eff himself. Hard. You can't question that.

Verdict: He loves lotion AND dogs! It's a yes.

#2 -- Norman Bates 

Norm has mommy issues like woah and is a total creepy-ass weirdo, but they power of those bangs cannot be denied. MOM BONES + ME 4EVA.

Verdict: Reservation for two at the Bates Motel for this girl.

#1 -- The Scream Boys

Is it inappropriate that two "teenaged" boys are number one for me? Please, I talked about sexing a child's doll -- nothing is off limits. Billy Loomis is the sexiest low-rent Johnny Depp that ever perused the hair gel section of CVS.

Verdict: I will not make the obvious scream joke here. I WILL NOT.

Who would you do? Can this be a new ABC show?

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