In the best thing you've ever heard in your life news (no, Koala Yummies aren't coming back), Vulture has just reported that the possible/questionable/it's-just-a-vibe-I-get douche James Franco will be remaking everyone on the planet's favorite movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Merry Christmas, Happy (belated) Hanukkah, and Happy (early) Kwanzaa.
In even better news, TORI SPELLING MIGHT BE PLAYING THE MOTHER.
This person.
You know, this human being.
The person that's always keeping it 100 on the streets. Totally real. (Tor-tally Real?™)
Just stays keeping it all the way real.
Speaking of real talk, I have this shirt. Bye forever. Or until MMISWD reboot is presented to my eyeballs.
Be honest -- is today the most exciting day of your life? If you say no, I don't even know you.
It should come as no surprise that I basically base all my life choices on pop culture.
What should I eat for dinner? Chinese takeout, care of SATC's Miranda Hobbes. What should I watch right now? Reruns of Malibu Country, courtesy of Heather/Gretchen/Alexis on Real Housewives of Orange County. What should I NOT do with my life? Murder people, thanks to every episode of every show I've seen at least thirty-seven times on Discovery ID, or Investigation Discovery. (Side note: WHAT IS THE OFFICIAL NAME OF THIS CHANNEL? I watch it 90% of my life, and it's still unclear to me.)
Then, naturally, the lipstick I wear is based directly upon what the eff I'm listening to. Here's a cosmetic-filled road map to it all.
Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love
This is probably the most obvious link between lips and music videos that ever existed. "Addicted to Love" is basically a lipstick-and-legs commercial, with a dash of LA Looks hair gel thrown into the mix. X-TREME hold.
If this video doesn't make your heart skip several beats over that bold-ass red lip, you can take your not-scarlet-y lips have several seats.
This ColourPop Lippie Sitx in Bichette ($5, ColourPop) is almost a match made in classic-red-lipped heaven with this Robert Palmer jam. Just with a smidge less shine. Might as well face it, this lipstick is the shit. And it costs $5.
Aqua - Barbie Girl
Okay, okay, this song and video are more annoying than watching episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and then Coach with your dad, but the '90s were annoying. They just were.
Similarly, this NYX Cosmetics Matte Lipstick in Shocking Pink ($5.99, Ulta) is annoyingly bright, but in the most complementary sense of the word. Plus, it's pretty much the exact shade of pink (with a touch lilac) as the convertible in the video. Hate the song, not the lip, H8RZ.
Britney Spears - Oops!...I Did It Again
Other than Brit's acting chops (AKA "the old lady dropping it into the ocean at the end"), this video lived and died with that red pleather jumpsuit.
This tarte LipSurgence lip gloss in natural beauty ($19, tarte) is the reddest and glossiest thing I have in my lip arsenal, but I still don't think it does Britney's getup the SHINE and RED justice it truly deserves. Awww, you shouldn't have...OOPS, I...Maybe next time.
Alanis Morrisette - Thank U
"Thank U" is no "You Oughta Know," because there can never be enough songs about allegedly fellating Dave Coulier in a movie theater, but it's the most naked music video that came to mind.
Nude lipstick is notoriously difficult, because everyone has a different skin tone and desired level of opaque-ness, but this NYX Cosmetics Soft Matte Lip Cream in London ($5.99, Ulta) is a beige-y dream in a tube. It's like an impenetrable pair of L'eggs hosiery: all vaguely tan with zero shine. But, you know, sexy.
UB40 - Red Red Wine
Real talk -- I hate this GD song -- I really just wanted to talk about the magic of this kind-of-lipstick lipstick.
If you've ever wanted the color of a wined-out lip stain, but the moisture of a lip chap, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (Clinique, $17) will be your all-marshmallow box o' Lucky Charms. It's the perfect blackberry jam lite color, and if I wasn't disgusted by the word creamy, I would almost say it's creamy (BLEH BLEH BLEH). It's gel-y? Jelly? I don't know; it's fantastic.
I will not be completely hyperbolic and proclaim that I've seen "every episode of Maury." In fact, I haven't watched it in, like, three years. Okay, two. But, I have experienced a SHIT-TON of MP in my day. The photo above is from my own phone. I have receipts.
I think we all can agree that Maury is batshit insane. Like, if your Tinder/Grindr/Ashley Madison date was like, "You know what I'm really passionate about? Maury Povich," you'd probably promptly finish your non-virgin Shirley Temple with 17 extra cherries and jump out the bathroom window, regardless of safety. (Or maybe just marry them.) But when we keep it real in the diary of our minds, you know that show is entertaining. Open your heart to it, Madonna. It just is.
So I decided to compile so my favorite Maury moments. The times that were so completely ridiculous that you actually wished you were there, so your face could look like this:
We'll start with one of my favorite life moments. I want this to be on my gravestone. Mark my words.
1. When this lady had a cotton ball phobia, but mostly THE COTTON BALL MAN.
Every time I watch this I laugh my b-hole off. I'm sorry that homegirl hates cotton balls and it's ruining her life, or whatever, BUT THIS IS WHY TELEVISION WAS CREATED. For a grown man to go to work and wear a low-rent cotton ball suit and scare mofos. Y'all accepting applications or nah, Maury?
2. When this girl's sister banged dudes for cheeseburgers.
This is actually really sad and terrible. But I had to include it, because I think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. The "out of control teen" came out all defiant and was like, "So what? Cheeseburgers taste good." I hope I never forget it.
3. When this lady found a tooth in her bed and she wasn't missing any fresh teeth. (I don't know her complete dental history.)
Whose tooth just pops off and doesn't notice? Were they eating gummy worms and that bitch just fell out? Was it Sonja Morgan? What is happening?
4. Whenever a sexy decoy is involved.
I LOVE SEXY DECOYS. So much so that I might marry them all.
Here's a quick primer on life, dudes: If there's a highly attractive woman in the Maury greenroom, don't make-out, et al with said lady. Especially if you came to the show because someone wants to know, "Did you cheat and get two women pregnant?" Sexy decoys by nature are both sexy and decoys. They don't actually want to see your ween.
5. When this woman found the entire Home Depot ladder aisle stashed backstage and used it to her stunt queen advantage.
And, really, I give her a lot of well-deserved propers, because that is some innovative and dramatic maneuvering.
6. When dudes do "Not the Father" celebratory dances.
And almost all of the world rejoices for some reason. Except for the 5000% girl. She was sad as F.
And I do mean almost everyone -- even the Tupac hologram.
Oh, Maury, never change. You are our beacon of light (and holograms) in this dark, dark world. And here's a pro tip: if you find a tooth in your bed, change the damn sheets, Arica.
One of my favorite things to do on this planet is drankin' wine and watching garbage TV. Because I'm a trash box that will never quite fill up. So I did a little ditty for Allure this week called, "The 9 Most Fabulous Beauty Moments in Reality Show History, Re-Created." I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Check it out here, if you wish, Buttercup.
Or at least ones that I could readily find on the interwebs. I think that we can all agree that Maury is a national treasure. I don't watch it anymore (I used to DVR that sh*t every damn day), but I have super fond memories of all of the nonsensical madness I've seen on that show over the years. And it should be celebrated, so I am.
The saddest part of this effery is that I remember 99% of these moments. One of my favorite types of Maury eps are the ones that feature people's fears.
I remember this b was freaked out about how cotton balls squeaked. Naturally, they were forced to bring out the cotton ball man. Although, I'm pretty sure this is a Easter Bunny rental suit.
This one was clearly from a paternity test show. SIR, COME THE EFF ON.
Yep, totally watched this one. Dammit, Tom gets blamed for all the world's problems in this b*tch.
I remember this one, too. Dude was totally cheating will a lady whose teeth just fell the eff out at random. ARE THERE NO OTHER PARTNER OPTIONS? Bonus points for liquid liner brow execution.
File this one under "Who could resist that hair flip/eye roll" category.
Hooo boyah.
Listen, if you mom is the pinnacle of feminine beauty and youth like this young lady, you better just keep her away from your rugged cowboy man.
Is that still cheating? Is the dog hot?
He must moisturize.
How could you NOT sleep with this man with that sexy ass hair helmet waving itself in your face? It shouldn't even count.
This dude was on one of those "controlling husbands" shows, and he became one of my favorite/worst things that's ever happened to me.
I mean, just look in his eyes. Stare into his mustache. I'm obsessed with him.
HE BIT HER F*CKING FINGER BECAUSE SHE GAVE AWAY HIS BOLOGNA SANDWICHES. I couldn't even make up a better story than this. It's the best caption that has ever captioned anything. But trust, homeboy was a major dick.
Well, that's it, mofos. But don't worry, we still have so much to look forward to on upcoming Maury shows.
Pssssh. Who hasn't?
Edit: HOW COULD I FORGET THE CHICKEN TETRAZZINI EPISODE?
On second thought, that was a terrible choice of imagery for this post, given the topic. I have to tell you guys something, and it's going to piss some of you off. Here goes:
I kind of hate Fifty Shades of Grey.
Let me say this first. (Ugh, I originally typed "fist.") If anyone in my family is reading what I've typed right now, please go away. This is not for you, Aunt Sally or Gam Gam. (I have changed their names, because clearly they would want me to.)
Now that it's just us dirty-minded w's, can we get real? These books are not good. Was the sex part pretty good at the beginning? Sure, fine. But after the 293487039284 tryst, we gots it. You guys like doing each other and stuff. SMOLDERING!!!! And full disclosure -- I'm only halfway through the second book. So maybe alien abduction or something awesome is going to happen soon. But if not, I must say: Can a b get a plot up in here?
I swear the first book was sponsored by the word "bodywash." And when's the last time you saw a crazy hot dude with copper hair and gray eyes? If this is really a fan fiction book about Carrot Top, I will freak the eff out. How is this going to be a movie? I don't see how. You can only show so many "circling thumbs" before you get a NC-17 rating.
Okay, I'm done. I will attempt to read the rest of the books, and swallow (heh) my pride.
It has just been confirmed that Lindsay Lohan will be starring in the Lifetime biopic of Elizabeth Taylor's life. If you haven't gotten eyeball cramps from all of the rolling of them that you're doing, wait for this ish. The name of the movie: Liz & Dick. What the WHAT? Liz Taylor would be slapping a b across the face with some glittery gloves if she knew about this. That dame would NOT want the name of her biopic to sound like it belongs in the Romancing the Bone porn collection.
Was Tori Spelling not available? That b knows how to turn out a Lifetime movie. If you haven't seen this gem, you are missing out hardcore.
A wonderful cinematic experience
P.S. I found this while trying to find a picture from one of my favorite movies:
