The Most Elegant Moments in Maury History.

Or at least ones that I could readily find on the interwebs. I think that we can all agree that Maury is a national treasure. I don't watch it anymore (I used to DVR that sh*t every damn day), but I have super fond memories of all of the nonsensical madness I've seen on that show over the years. And it should be celebrated, so I am.

The saddest part of this effery is that I remember 99% of these moments. One of my favorite types of Maury eps are the ones that feature people's fears.

I remember this b was freaked out about how cotton balls squeaked. Naturally, they were forced to bring out the cotton ball man. Although, I'm pretty sure this is a Easter Bunny rental suit.

This one was clearly from a paternity test show. SIR, COME THE EFF ON.

Yep, totally watched this one. Dammit, Tom gets blamed for all the world's problems in this b*tch.

I remember this one, too. Dude was totally cheating will a lady whose teeth just fell the eff out at random. ARE THERE NO OTHER PARTNER OPTIONS? Bonus points for liquid liner brow execution.

File this one under "Who could resist that hair flip/eye roll" category.

Hooo boyah.

Listen, if you mom is the pinnacle of feminine beauty and youth like this young lady, you better just keep her away from your rugged cowboy man.

Is that still cheating? Is the dog hot?

He must moisturize.

How could you NOT sleep with this man with that sexy ass hair helmet waving itself in your face? It shouldn't even count.

This dude was on one of those "controlling husbands" shows, and he became one of my favorite/worst things that's ever happened to me.

I mean, just look in his eyes. Stare into his mustache. I'm obsessed with him.

HE BIT HER F*CKING FINGER BECAUSE SHE GAVE AWAY HIS BOLOGNA SANDWICHES. I couldn't even make up a better story than this. It's the best caption that has ever captioned anything. But trust, homeboy was a major dick.