Are you still into J Law(r)? Or are you of the camp that thinks her whole deal is a shtick-y shtick shtick and you've had just about enough of her bullshit? Like the whole, "LOLZ I FELL AGAIN" thing is definitely a thing now, but I happen to still find this little Hot Pocket endearing as eff, and I hate everyone, but that's just one layperson's opinion.
I did glean an interesting bit from this video -- Jenny LIKES A BOOTCUT JEAN. How Jennifer Aniston 2.0 of her! I bet she slathers on the Aveeno, too.
I wonder if hanging out with Jen 2.0 is like going zip lining. At first you're like, "This shit is fun," but around zip line seven of ten you're more, "I think I'm done and I might vomit if I don't get this GD helmet off."
JK, JL. I love annoying zip lines and I would soar through the sky forever with you. Islands in the stream, that is what we are.
Is this your favorite use of green screen in the history of technology? Why am I even asking, of course it is. Stick it up your ass, Great Gatsby (the movie), there's a new green screen cowboy in green screen town.
This is TV John, and he's your new boyfriend. He also needs someone to turn his vocals way up. And because you are now borderline obsessed with TV John and TV John's life, here is TV John's cable access TV show. Thank you for existing, Reddit, just for finding rare and majestic gems like TV John.
What do you think TV John is doing right now? Maybe he's shopping on Amazon Prime for tube socks.
I will not be completely hyperbolic and proclaim that I've seen "every episode of Maury." In fact, I haven't watched it in, like, three years. Okay, two. But, I have experienced a SHIT-TON of MP in my day. The photo above is from my own phone. I have receipts.
I think we all can agree that Maury is batshit insane. Like, if your Tinder/Grindr/Ashley Madison date was like, "You know what I'm really passionate about? Maury Povich," you'd probably promptly finish your non-virgin Shirley Temple with 17 extra cherries and jump out the bathroom window, regardless of safety. (Or maybe just marry them.) But when we keep it real in the diary of our minds, you know that show is entertaining. Open your heart to it, Madonna. It just is.
So I decided to compile so my favorite Maury moments. The times that were so completely ridiculous that you actually wished you were there, so your face could look like this:
We'll start with one of my favorite life moments. I want this to be on my gravestone. Mark my words.
1. When this lady had a cotton ball phobia, but mostly THE COTTON BALL MAN.
Every time I watch this I laugh my b-hole off. I'm sorry that homegirl hates cotton balls and it's ruining her life, or whatever, BUT THIS IS WHY TELEVISION WAS CREATED. For a grown man to go to work and wear a low-rent cotton ball suit and scare mofos. Y'all accepting applications or nah, Maury?
2. When this girl's sister banged dudes for cheeseburgers.
This is actually really sad and terrible. But I had to include it, because I think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. The "out of control teen" came out all defiant and was like, "So what? Cheeseburgers taste good." I hope I never forget it.
3. When this lady found a tooth in her bed and she wasn't missing any fresh teeth. (I don't know her complete dental history.)
Whose tooth just pops off and doesn't notice? Were they eating gummy worms and that bitch just fell out? Was it Sonja Morgan? What is happening?
4. Whenever a sexy decoy is involved.
I LOVE SEXY DECOYS. So much so that I might marry them all.
Here's a quick primer on life, dudes: If there's a highly attractive woman in the Maury greenroom, don't make-out, et al with said lady. Especially if you came to the show because someone wants to know, "Did you cheat and get two women pregnant?" Sexy decoys by nature are both sexy and decoys. They don't actually want to see your ween.
5. When this woman found the entire Home Depot ladder aisle stashed backstage and used it to her stunt queen advantage.
And, really, I give her a lot of well-deserved propers, because that is some innovative and dramatic maneuvering.
6. When dudes do "Not the Father" celebratory dances.
And almost all of the world rejoices for some reason. Except for the 5000% girl. She was sad as F.
And I do mean almost everyone -- even the Tupac hologram.
Oh, Maury, never change. You are our beacon of light (and holograms) in this dark, dark world. And here's a pro tip: if you find a tooth in your bed, change the damn sheets, Arica.
