Tan-talizing Details On Getting A Perfect Faux Tan (I Know I'm The Worst, But I Can't Resist A Dumb Pun)

I am STAUNCHLY anti-sun. Like, don't go outside without a (not-shitty-for-you) sunscreen and a hat, anti.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want it look like the sun has shone on my literal ass every once and a while. After all, at least it makes my mind grapes believe that my cellulite doesn't look at cellulite-y. Just let my baby brain believe things, okay?

Because of all of these neuroses, I have learned to become pretty dependent on self tanners. In fact, I've probably already written a variation of this article 30845092 times before, but I'm really too old to remember (and too lazy to check). Regardless, I've compiled my best tips and products that will give you the easiest and least ridiculous-looking tan known to science. Yeah, science!

Prep Your Mess

Every blog post/article/weird tan person's advice that's ever existed tells you to exfoliate before self tanning. So that's some real 'no doy' advice. But the most effective way to exfoliate pre-tan that I've ever found? A basic bitch washcloth. Use a washcloth to gently scrub your skin in a circular motion, and it will exfoliate like a scrubby little champ.

If you're really adverse to this method, feel free to scrub it up with a body scrub, or whatever, but just avoid using anything that leaves any kind of oily residue. It will way f up your application, and leave you with a faux tan straight out of Splotch City. Another ingredient to avoid is any salicylic acid, or the like. Your tan won't stick, and it will go right down the friggin' drain with your next shower.

Once you're out of the shower, and completely and thoroughly tried off, apply regular lotion to the parts of your body that just love to soak up self tanner like I like to soak up a glass of wine. That includes: feet and ankles, knees, wrists and hands, and elbows. Now go to a cool (temperature, not attitude) and non-steamy room, so you don't sweat your ass off, and it's time to tan.

The Body Rubdown

This post is going to mainly focus on a full-strength fake tan, but that's not the only option. If you prefer to get your lazy on (hey, soul sister!), or just want something not-so-tan, Jergens Natural Glow is a great (and easy) option. Use it daily for a darker result, or every-other-day for something more subtle, you demure lady. No, I won't hold your opera glasses.

If I'm going full stunt queen with the fakery, I'm using St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse. Always and forever. It dries fast as hell, it's really easy to apply, and it has never, ever let me down. The only downside: it will stain the craps out of your palms, so I always apply it with the St. Tropez Mitt, or more recently, plastic gloves. And that's only because I ripped the mitt in several places, because I trash every-friggin'-thing in life. It's my destiny.

So after you've applied the plain lotion to the necessary places, start applying the tanner in a circular motion to your body. To avoid weird creases from bending and gymnastics and such, here's the best order of application: legs and butt, trunk (front and back), and finally arms. We'll deal with the face in a minute. After you've finished with the whole bod, take off the gloves and rub a dab of lotion on each wrist all the way around. This will keep you from having a significant line of tanner that screams, "HEY Y'ALL, LOOK AT ME! MY TAN IS FAKE!"

Now let's move onto the mug.

Face Time

I typically don't just slap self-tanner on my face all willy nilly, like I do with the rest of my body. I mean, you CAN, just make sure that you put moisturizer on your face and neck before, so you don't end up with straight crazy face.

Once again, there are a couple of options when picking your face formula. I usually pick tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum for gradual color, because I'm just usually not that tan on the body area, and remember, the whole crazy face thing? (Of course you do, my brain still feels shaken and stirred from having that GIF in the periphery of my vision.) And if you're looking for a drugstore option, Jergens also makes a face formula that's pretty decent.

For more of a TAN tan, I really, really love Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Glow Pads. Can you guess why? Yep, it's because they're easy. DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL BY NOW? But they also have all of that good-for-your-skin stuffs. So these are pretty much on little-baby-unicorns-jumping-out-of-your-birthday-cake-levels of good.

Okay, that's it. Go on and bronze yourself silly.

But not crazy face silly. I WILL KNOW.

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The Summer Beauty Stuffs I Never Knew I Needed (Until Now)

I'm figuratively dying, man. And not even in a friggin' cerebral, existential crisis kind of way. I'm talking about how it's hot as shit, and I want to cry and/or never, ever leave my house because it's over 100 degrees outside. Which is an INSANE temperature to expect a human to exist normally. (RIP, polar ice caps.)

In order to ease my First World pains, I've done some beauty soul-searching to find products that a) make me feel better, and b) help me to semi-live a life that seems like it's happening in a post-apocalyptic Earth. Even if it doesn't yet feel like the ninth ring of Hell where you're living, ANTI-WINTER IS COMING, so you better step to planning.

Alt White Mani

My love for a fresh-to-death white polish job is right up there (almost) with my fondness for wine-drinking times. But after awhile I get a little bored with the same ol' thang, and want to find a way to mix it up when it comes to that bright white mani. Don't worry your pretty little head, because I've found a couple options to update this whole deal. 

My first alternative (above) was sampled to me by the indie polish brand Seven and Parker. The shade is called "Mr. White," and it's a frosty, opaque white with a touch of silver, from the brand's upcoming Reservoir collection. It's not available just quite yet, put S&P's "Girl in Pale Pink Coat" is a very pale pink shimmery polish that has a similar feel. Or just keep an eye out on the Seven and Parker website for "Mr. White" to become available. This is the perfect polish for a cool-toned white option, and I can't get enough.

If warm tones are more your thing, my girls at Floss Gloss sent me some bomb white substitutes. "Biscuits" is an almost buttery cream color, while "Selena Corpus Crystalina" is a sheer white glitter that's great to top off whatever polish you're currently feeling. Or you can layer them together and create a sugary, all-white-everything buttered biscuit dream. It's your world, baby.

Skindinavia: The Makeup Primer Spray

I begged Skindinavia to send me some of their brand new Primer Spray ($35), because I pretty much feel the need to use a primer anytime I wear foundation, but with this hot ass existence currently happening, the thought of slathering another layer of something on my face is less than mf-ing appealing. This formula is a super-lightweight spray, so it's perfect for the summertimes. It made my foundation stay put even after going to the gym because, YES, I'm one of THOSE that wears makeup to workout. I know, I'm the worst.

I actually took a picture of my hand using the primer with foundation, then without, but my embarrassment over my extremely poor hand selfie-ing skills prevented me from posting it. I do have some standards, believe it or not. But the with-primered  hand foundation was much, much smoother than the sans-primered hand. Just trust me on this one.

Tarte: Not So Slick Blotting Papers

Reason number 309485039 that crazy hot weather can suck it? It gets my oil glands kickin' into overdrive. And although I will use those rubbery drugstore blotting papers (as well as toilet paper, receipts and the back of my hand) in a pinch, I've always been a little bothered by what exactly those little homies are made from. Bike tires? Old scrunchie elastics?

I didn't worry about that at all when tarte sent me these tarte not so slick blotting papers ($10) to try. They're naturally-derived, but still sop up oil better than the longest Target receipt. CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT.

Powerful Drugstore Lips

Spring and Summer make me want to wear the hell out of a heavy-hitting lipstick. And because I like a variety to spice up my mouth area, it's even better if that 'stick is super-affordable. I've accumulated a pretty boss arsenal of lovely lipsticks, but these two just keep popping up on my lips. As you can see, these mofos are well-loved/used and abused.

I've already shared my deep affections for NYX Matte Lipstick in "Indie Flick" ($6), but it bears repeating. That's how into this lipstick I am. A new(ish) love for me is the even lower-priced Wet n Wild MegaLast Lip Color in "Sugar Plum Fairy" ($1.89 at Walgreens). You literally don't get more affordable for a bangin' lipstick than that. What make these an even better deal? They both are highly-pigmented and last all the live-long day. Top that!

P.S. Robin Lively is the best Lively. Don't argue with me.

Brush on Block

I almost didn't include this little guy in this round-up, but I use it a ton so it just felt necessary. But full disclosure on this one: someone sent this to me FOREVER ago to try, and I just now started using it. When I went to get all the deets on it today, I noticed that what I've been using expired a year ago (don't care, 10/10 will still use), and also the company and packaging seems to be completely different. Either way, I really think that this is a great product, so I'll tell you all of the current info.

Brush on Block ($30) is an SPF 30 mineral powder sunscreen with a retractable brush protector thing-y on it, which makes it really portable and easy to use and store. The powder actually comes through the makeup brush, so you just brush it all over your face before you go outside. I like to walk to a coffee shop that's about half a mile from my house a few mornings a week, and this is so easy to brush on in the morning without worrying about rubbing on a sticky ass SPF lotion. It really meets my lazy, vampiric skin needs quite nicely.

It does have a touch of color to the powder, so I don't know if it would blend well with deeper skin tones, or if it's pretty translucent on everyone. (The website says it's translucent.) One bonus for this stuff is that you can buy refills for $16, so you aren't buying the whole damn brush thing every time. Bottom line -- this stuff is a total oldie-face preventative that I need in my life.

That's it. I've spilled every Summer secret I have now. So I guess I'll meet you guys at the crossroads. Or tomorrow-ish. Whatever.

If you need me, I'll be posted up in Alaska, like woah. But keep my sweaty ass company by telling me all about your favorite Summery products in the comments.

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