The Butt-Themed Weekend Anthem You've Been Waiting On

I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.

I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.

When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.

P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.

P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).

ass song via reddit

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Jeaneez: Just Like Jeggings, But Worse

Please tell me that you've seen this Jeaneez commercial. If you haven't, here's a summary: they're pretty much like the Pajama Jeans' sluttier cousin, yet somehow inexplicably worse.

And right now I'm sure you're thinking, "But look how distressed and fashionable those Jeaneez are!" Nope, that's just Photorealistic 3D printed fabric that looks just like denim! (Their words, not mine.) Those aren't ACTUAL rips. No, no. That would be a smidge too sensible. They're just pictures of rips.

Same goes for the pockets, so don't plan on carrying shit around if you buy these. Or two of these. (I mean, it is the best deal.)

They're also apparently quite filled with magic and woven with unicorn tail hair that can make you lose a solid-ass 15 pounds immediately and make your donk look like a certain someone's, that I refuse to talk about, on a current sans-Jeaneez (or anything else) magazine cover. What I'm saying is, someone please buy all washes of these and then sext me pictures of your ass just straight-up covered in Jeaneez fabric.

Take one for the team, bruh.


Thanks to my friend Kristin for the heads up on these puppies.

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If You Always Wanted To See Bradley Cooper's (Almost) B-Hole, This Is Your Chance

via eonline

Listen, I'm not in the game of offending military people. I'm in the game of rude ass-ing every other person's life, really. But I have to ask this -- is this the regular shorts attire of actual Navy Seals? Because that is the character that B Coops is portraying in this sassy (literal) ass picture from the set of his new movie, American Sniper, and it's causing me to not even really know what to think right now. Except that we need to see what kind of business is happening in the front.

via eonline

 Oh. I mean...I actually don't even know what to say right now. At all. Or how I feel. Am I like:

Or all:

On one hand, I wore shorts of this exact length in my sluttiest of slut days. On the other, they look like toddler apparel. On a third alien hand, Bradley Cooper is usually pretty hot.

I think I'm having some kind of sensory overload-induced brain malfunction. Tell me how to live.

P.S. You're welcome for bringing you this instead of that bag o' dicks-filled Bieber video.





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